


The Savior Sessions

by ApolloLoki97



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alpha - Freeform, Angst, Conversations, Daryl is a good dude, Gen, Gender Neutral, Jailed Negan, Reader Insert, Season 9, The Whisperers - Freeform, Whisperer War, negan is a good dad, pre-season nine, prison Negan, season 10, spoilers from season 9 to season 10, the reader is a good parent, twd imagine, walking dead imagine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 33
Words: 141,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25965391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApolloLoki97/pseuds/ApolloLoki97
Summary: When Michonne and Gabriel ask you to speak to public enemy number one, an unusual relationship is formed. What happens when feelings on both sides start to form and evolve? And how will it last when the Whisperers enter the picture?A story that takes the reader and Negan through the war with Alpha and the beginning of a connection neither saw coming.
Relationships: Negan (Walking Dead) & You, Negan/You, Negan/original female character, Negan/reader
Comments: 64
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: None
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Open Season” by Josef Salvat
> 
> Note: These are going to be smaller stories that I will be updating randomly. Each fic will be a conversation/situation about Negan in his cell in Alexandria. Some maybe very short, others not. I am still working on the other stories, but I wanted to post this as I work on those as well. Thank you for your kind words about my family, I really appreciate it.

“I just don’t know why you’re asking me to do this, Michonne.” 

You stood across from Alexandria’s head of security in her kitchen. Michonne meticulously cleaned her Katana as you spoke, remaining calm the entire time. When she had asked you to meet her today, you never imagined this would be the reason. 

“Gabriel is worried about his state of mind,” Michonne said, “He thinks somebody should be speaking with him on a regular basis.” 

“Isn’t that already Gabriel’s job?” you asked. “He’s always the one who’s down there.” Michonne sighed, sliding the blade back into its sheath.

“He believes that he can no longer get through to him and that they’ve become too familiar with each other,” Michonne said, placing her sword down and bracing her hands against the kitchen counter, “I also think we can benefit from it and I suppose he can as well.” You frowned. 

“You’re asking me to become Negan’s therapist,” you pointed out. “How is any of that beneficial?”

“Whether we like it or not, Negan did run an entire community unchallenged. He may have insight into this world that we don’t and I have started to think that perhaps keeping him so isolated isn’t doing anyone any good,” Michonne explained. “I am asking you because you don’t have a relationship with him. The two of you never interacted during the war and you made sure to stay out of his line of sight for most of it. You’re not a total stranger, but he doesn’t know you like he knows Gabriel, me, or even Aaron.”

“So, basically, you want someone he can’t push around by pushing their buttons,” you concluded and Michonne grimaced. 

“You were also a teacher, (Y/N),” said Michonne, “that is something you two have in common. Maybe that will get him to open up or at least… God, I don’t know what I want the outcome to be, but Rick wanted Negan to be a symbol for how we can grow as a society. I don’t know if he can ever be redeemed, but if he can even a small amount, then it may start with you.” 

“You pulled out your Rick card,” you said with a sigh, “not fair.” Michonne smiled with a shrug. 

“I knew it would come in handy someday,” she said and you finally gave in. 

“Okay, I will be the big bad wolf’s confidant, but if he tries anything or pisses me off to a degree that makes me want to commit murder, that’s on Gabriel,” you said with a wink and Michonne visibly relaxed. 

“Thank you, (Y/N),” she said, relieved. “I’m going to let you run it the way you want to, but try not to piss him off if you can.” You smiled at her brightly. 

“Oh, you know me, Michonne, something like that is inevitable.”

* * *

When you arrived at the cell an hour later, you dismissed the guard who stood out front. 

If you were going to be talking to Negan to gain insight and trust, you didn’t see the need for a chaperone. As the guard left, you pushed open the heavy door and sealed it behind you. 

“Gabe, if you’re here to give me another life lesson, you can save it. I’m not in the mood,” Negan said in the darkness of his cell. You had never been this close to the man before. You had fought against the Saviors of course, but always at an outpost or in a larger fight. Rick had also used your talents with the sniper rifle and kept you up high most of the time. This whole situation was alien to you and while it was unnerving to be so near to a killer, you didn’t let that stop you from stepping out of the shadows. 

“Then it’s a good thing I’m not Father Gabriel,” you said, dragging a chair from the wall and centering it before the jail cell. Negan, who had been laying on his bed with his back to the door, slowly sat up and turned towards you.

In the cool light of the room, you could see him clearly now. His hair was shorter than the last time you had seen him which was when Rick had dragged him into this cell about five years before. He still had the stubble on his face, but the cocky grin that you had gotten used to seeing through your scope was nowhere to be seen. 

“Have we met?” he asked, tilting his head in curiosity. You shifted slightly in your seat, trying to get comfortable. 

“Not officially,” you told him. “I’m (Y/N).” Recognition dawned on his face then. 

“Yes,” he said, sitting forward on the edge of his cot, “Little Miss Grimes has mentioned you before.” It wasn’t news to you that he spoke to Judith. Most people knew that she visited Negan often. The only person who probably didn’t know was Michonne. Judith had confided in you that she wasn’t scared of the man and that all she wanted was for him to know he wasn’t some kind of wild animal. You now started to realize that her reasoning was exactly why you were here. “So what can I do for you, (Y/N)?”

“I’ve been sent by the overlords of Alexandria to be your new best friend,” you explained, crossing one leg over the other. 

“Is that right?” he asked, leaning forward. “Gabe get too bored with little ole me?” 

“I don’t know, I didn’t ask,” you told him, “but I am here as a favor for Michonne so how about we just accept the new normal?” Negan bowed his head slightly. 

“Well then, what exactly do the big shots upstairs want us to do? Compare breakup stories? Organize a block party?” 

“I see you haven’t lost your wit,” you pointed out, leaning back in your chair. 

“We all have our things, (Y/N),” he said, “I am curious, though,” he went on, “where were you when your people were trying to kill all of mine?” 

“Usually on a rooftop,” you explained, “Grimes always had me up high with the guns.” Negan seemed genuinely thrilled by the thought of that. 

“And you never got me in your cross-hairs and took a shot? Damn, that is incredibly terrifying.”

“I was never ordered to,” you told him. “I was more surveillance than an assassin.” 

“Either way, my men never saw you watchin’ me,” he said and it sounded like a compliment. The way Negan was looking at you reminded you of kids staring at a lion in a zoo. Ironic seeing how he was the one in the cage and not you. Every glance was out of curiosity and you thought you noticed a bit of gratitude in his eyes. Perhaps Michonne and Gabriel were right after all. The man just needed someone to talk to.

“Okay, how about this?” you said, after a moment of silence. He waited for you to continue. “You and I are just gonna talk. You can ask me anything you want and I’ll answer and hopefully, you will return the favor when I want to .” Negan raised a single brow. 

“It’s that simple?” he asked.

“Do you want it to be difficult?” you asked. “I think I could add some really brash and annoying terms to the arrangement if you want.“

"You are a very strange person,” Negan said.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

“As you should,” Negan said with a cheeky grin. “However, I am curious about one thing. Don’t you hate me?” You mulled over his words for a few seconds before shaking your head.

“Hate, it has caused a lot of problems in this world, but has not solved one yet,” you quoted easily. Negan’s eyes lit up.

“Morrison?”

“Angelou,” you corrected.

“Ah,” he said. “Wise woman. So what you’re saying is that hating me isn’t going to solve anything, am I right?”

“Pretty much,” you agreed, crossing your arms.

“But I killed your people,” he reminded you. Negan was clearly trying to put you off, but you had expected this. 

“And I killed your people,” you said. “Do you hate me?” Negan scoffed, leaning back on his hands as he watched you through the bars.

“You’re good,” he complimented.

“You didn’t answer my question,” you said. Negan licked his lips before shaking his head.

“No, I don’t hate you. Although, I don’t even know you so that could change.” This time you let out a quick laugh that was pure instinct at this point.

“Fair enough,” you conceded.

“Alright, (Y/N), if you are so inclined to answer questions, answer me this: how did you end up with this merry bunch of survivors?" 

"Simple,” you said, “I saved Carl Grimes from a Walker.” Negan’s face dropped at the mention of the late teenager. You knew about the soft spot Negan had for Carl. It wasn’t a mystery, hell, Carl wouldn’t have lived long after he attacked the Sanctuary if Negan didn’t like him.

“You saved him?” Negan asked, pulling you from your memories.

“Yeah, I met Carl and his mom, Lori, shortly after everything happened,” you began, “They, alongside other survivors, were camped at a quarry outside of Atlanta. I was on my own, trying to make it to the coast when I came across their campsite. I was wary of people, of course, but I knew I wouldn’t make it far on my own. I stayed around the edge of camp for a while, just gettin’ a feel for the people when Carl ran off when Lori wasn’t looking. He was running around with another kid from the group.” You paused, unsure if you should divulge much more, but Negan was staying entirely focused on your story.

“Carl was with Sophia…Carol’s late daughter.” Slight surprise entered Negan’s eyes, but he remained quiet. You went on, “The two of them got turned around and then Carl being Carl, decided to run off alone without Sophia. He was near me when the Walker came out of the trees and grabbed him. I didn’t really think at that moment. I just ran for the kid. I shot the Walker in the head and the next thing I know, I had a crossbow pointed at my back.”

“Let me guess, Daryl?” Negan figured. 

“Damn right. Son of a bitch thought I was shooting at the kid, but luckily Carl spoke up and explained. They took me back to their camp and Lori insisted I stay so that’s what I did.”

“And here you are,” Negan said, impressed.

“Here I am.”

“That kid was pretty damn special,” Negan said fondly. “This world really does take the good ones, don’t it?”

“I always think that it would have been easier if a person had killed him instead of a Walker, you know? At least then we would have an enemy." 

"What, you don’t think the Walkers are the enemy?" 

"They’re just a part of the new world,” you explained. “Can’t really call them an enemy if they didn’t intend to be here in the first place.”

Negan was quiet again as your words sank in. In fact, you were surprised that he hadn’t spoken over you whenever he got the chance. According to the rest of your friends and family, the man loved to hear himself talk. You stored that new observation away for later.

“In your opinion,” Negan said slowly, “what kind of person classifies as an enemy, or rather, just evil?”

“I’ve seen darkness, Negan,” you told him. “We all have and it was before we even heard your name. If you’re trying to ask me if I think you’re evil, the answer is no, I don’t. Most of us here like myself, Daryl, Michonne, we’ve all seen what happens when someone has lost all trace of humanity. Seen what they do to other human beings and trust me, those are the evil people of this screwed-up world. You haven’t lost your humanity, Negan, and I pray you never will.”

Negan leaned his forearms onto his knees, rubbing a calloused hand over his bearded face. Something had clicked inside his head, that much was apparent, but you weren’t sure what.

Yet.

“Sounds like you’ve been through hell,” Negan whispered.

“And back,” you finished. “Multiple times.”

“You gonna tell me that story? About the loss of humanity?” His question wasn’t overly eager, instead, it was all curiosity and you were starting to think that was the main characteristic of the man who once called himself the “big bad wolf”.

“One day,” you nodded. “If you’ll let me come back again.”

“I get to decide?” he asked, intrigued.

“Yeah, no point in coming down here if you won’t talk to me. That would be wasting both of our time.”

“Then by all means, (Y/N), feel free to drop by,” Negan said, spreading his arms wide in a welcome gesture. You rolled your eyes but nodded.

“If it means anything,” you said as you stood from your seat and turned towards the door, “Carl once told me that you were the only person he always trusted to tell him the truth, and coming from him, that’s a lot.”

Negan looked at you for a long moment before bowing his head. “Thanks for that,” he said softly. You gave him a small smile, one more out of understanding than anything. Whether people hated him or not, nobody could deny that he cared about Carl Grimes and that the teen’s death had affected him as well.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” you told him as you pushed open the heavy door and stepped into the sunlight. Negan didn’t call you back as you climbed the steps and began walking home.

You watched as Alexandria spun on, unaware of the emotions that ran deep through you at the moment. Gabriel and Michonne had been right, after all, Negan needed to talk to another human being, but perhaps that was exactly what you needed as well and you had a feeling this was just the beginning of an odd relationship. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part two of the Savior Sessions. Negan asks about how the reader met Rick Grimes and they have a question of their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: None
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Lost On You” by LP
> 
> Note: Thank you so much for the love on the first one. As I said before, these are just going to be uploaded at random, but I was having writers block so this came out of it while I work on my other works.

It was early the next time you pushed open the heavy door that led to Negan’s cell. 

“Rise and shine,” you sang as you entered, biting into a fresh apple. Negan was already awake, sitting on the floor of his cell bouncing a tennis ball against the stone wall. 

“Have you always been so cheerful in the mornings?” Negan asked and then succumbed to a yawn. You smiled as you took your chair and positioned it once again in front of the bars.

“Absolutely not,” you answered. “Mornings were the bane of my existence before the world ended.” 

“What changed?” he asked. 

“Probably the fact that Walkers woke you up no matter what and if you slept in, you risked being eaten or murdered in your sleep,” you finished with a shrug. Negan just shook his head, already amused. “Oh, I got you something,” you told him and then dug into the bag at your side and produced another apple that you had grabbed from Eugene’s backyard. “Breakfast.” Tossing the piece of fruit through the bars, Negan easily caught it, turning it over in his hands. 

“Special delivery from my new favourite person? How did I get so lucky?” Negan asked as he took a bite of the apple. 

“You’re locked in a cell because you started a war with Rick Grimes, I wouldn’t exactly call that lucky,” you said. 

“Actually,” Negan said, getting to this feet, “ _he_ started it with me.” 

“Optics,” you said with a wave of your hand. Negan chuckled and collapsed onto his cot, watching you through the bars. 

“So, what has been going on with you, (Y/N)?” 

“Not much,” you said, “I was roped into helping Porter with something yesterday that I highly regret.”

“How’s that?” 

“Eugene needed some help scavenging for scrap metal and parts for some new radio he’s going to attempt to build. We went to an old office building about forty miles West and after looking for a couple of hours, he finally found what he was looking for…in the ceiling.”

“Oh no,” Negan said as he took another bite of his apple, clearly absorbed in your story. 

“And of course, I was the only one who could fit into the small space so I hauled my ass through the ceiling to grab his damn wires. I have never been a fan of small spaces, but this felt like I was crawling into my own casket. Not a fan and no matter what Eugene wants, that will never be happening again.” 

“Ah, Eugene,” Negan mused, “I do miss that weirdo. I did have a soft spot for him at one point.”

“Until he went all double-agent on your ass and blew up your bullets,” you said fondly as you remembered that particular day in the field. 

“Can’t win them all, (Y/N),” Negan said. 

“No, you cannot,” you agreed. Sitting further back in your chair, you crossed your ankles. “What about you? Anything interesting happening around here?”

“How would I know about anything that goes on in this postcard of a town?” Negan asked with a glint in his eye. 

“I know that you listen to us through your window,” you said, pointing to the small hole that offers him a peek at Alexandrian life. Negan smirked, leaning back against the stone wall, matching your position. “Out with it.”

“Very well. Gabe and Scott were arguing about something to do with the council. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but Scotty boy isn’t on the council, right?”

“He’s not,” you confirmed, “but he’s one of Michonne’s right hands when it comes to security. Normal for him to have concerns. He’s practically Judith’s personal bodyguard these days.”

“As if Miss Grimes needs one,” Negan said with a smile. 

“You should see her when she used the sword,” you told him. “She looks just like her mom.” 

“Always knew she was a special kid,” Negan said. It was silent for a few moments as the two of you finished off your apples and basked in the quiet. Eventually, it got too much and you finally spoke. 

“I’ve been thinking about heading over to the Kingdom,” you said, “check in on the King.”

“That guy is weird as shit,” Negan said, “and what was up with the tiger?” 

“Shiva?” you asked with a grin. “She was incredible. Ezekiel was a zookeeper before the Turn and he saved her when she got hurt once. When everything went to hell, he went back for her and the two of them took on the Walkers together. Shiva was with him every step of the way.” 

“What happened to her?” he asked, noticing your use of past tense. “I didn’t see her after the day everyone rode in here.”

“Walkers got her,” you told him. “Ezekiel was cornered and she fought them off to save him, but there were too many of them.” 

“Damn,” Negan said.

“Yeah, tell me about it,” you said. Shiva’s death had hit you pretty hard when Jerry had told you. When you had met the big cat, she had immediately taken to you. Besides Ezekiel, only a few people were able to get close to her. Yourself, Jerry, Daryl, and Carol were those people and all four of you had mourned the loss of Ezekiel’s tiger for weeks after her demise. There was something so primal about hunting alongside the cat and as weird as it was, it felt almost natural to move through the new world alongside a predator such as her.

“So,” Negan said, snapping you out of your reverie. “What’s on the agenda for the day?” 

“That’s up to you. I’m just here as a sounding board,” you told him. 

“We both know that’s not true,” Negan said as he smiled at you. You shrugged and waited. Eventually, he sighed and gave up. “Fine, fine, I will start,” he said. “How about you tell me how you met the infamous Rick Grimes.” 

“I can do that,” you agreed and settled in for the story. “I met Rick the same day that he was reunited with his wife and son. Do you know what happened to him at the beginning of all this?” 

“No,” Negan said, intrigued, “do tell.” 

“Well, you know he was a cop, right?” Negan nodded. “Right, so before the Turn, Rick was shot on the job and he ended up in a coma. His partner, Shane, tried to get him out of the hospital when everything happened, but he couldn’t wake him up and so he left him behind so Shane could get Lori and Carl to safety. He barricaded Rick’s hospital room to keep him safe and then he left. Rick woke up well after the Walkers began taking over and he was all alone in the hospital.”

“Jesus,” Negan said, cringing at the thought. 

“He ended up meeting Morgan not long after and he explained everything that had happened.”

“Stick guy?”

“Yeah,” you nodded, “eventually, Rick made it to Atlanta to look for the refuge centers, but of course the city was overrun. He was pretty much screwed until someone saved his life and got him off the street.”

“Who was that?” Negan asked and you paused. You had tried not to think about Glenn now that you were tasked with speaking to the man who had murdered him, but now it was unavoidable. Negan waited while you tried to control your anger that swelled in your chest. 

“It was Glenn,” you said, “Maggie’s husband.” Recognition flashed in his eyes and his face fell, but you continued. “Glenn was just a kid then, but he risked everything to get Rick to him and got him to our group that was scavenging in the city. They’re all dead now, but they were good people. Well, all of them except for Merle Dixon, Daryl’s brother. He was a piece of work…”

“And what happened to him?” 

“The first time? Rick handcuffed him to a rooftop cause he was being a racist misogynist and then eventually Merle cut off his own hand to get away. The second time, this asshole we had problems with killed him and let him turn. Daryl had to put him down.” Negan’s brows rose at that, but he didn’t interrupt. “Eventually, Glenn, Rick, and the others got back to our camp at the quarry, and Rick, Lori, and Carl were reunited. Lori introduced me to Rick shortly after.” 

“Did you two get along?” 

“Not at all,” you laughed as you remembered your first meeting. “I didn’t like him when I met him. He was too…uptight. Daryl also hated him for leaving Merle, but those two worked it out eventually. Rick just showed up and took charge and it bugged me, but I soon realized he was the best person to lead us and so we all fell in line. He ended up saving our asses more times than I can count so I guess we made the right decision after all.”

“Hero type, huh?” 

“No,” you disagreed, “if you knew everything he did to protect us, you wouldn’t call him a hero. He was just one of the only ones to do what was necessary to do what needed to be done. I learned a lot from his actions.”

“Meaning what?” Negan asked. 

“Meaning I learned quickly how to kill someone when it was necessary to keep my people safe. We all did.”

“Even Carl?”

“Even Carl,” you agreed. “As I said, we’ve all done things. This world never cares how old you are, you just have to survive.” 

“Who was the first person you killed?” he asked. You stared at him as the images flashed through your mind. The face of the man whom you killed as he went for Tyreese when the Governor attacked the prison. You could still feel his blood on your fingers as you removed the knife from his skull. It was the first of many kills, but it was still the first. 

“We’ll save that one for another time,” you said.

“Did I touch a nerve?” he asked, but it wasn’t his usual snarky comeback, he genuinely seemed concerned. You smiled at him.

“I’m a lot tougher than I look, Negan,” you told him. “You can’t piss me off that easily.” 

“Good to know,” he said. His expression changed then, watching you as if trying to read every inch of you like a book. “I can see the gears turning in your head, (Y/N).”

“Is that so?” 

“I know you have a question on your mind,” he said. “Go on, ask me what you want to know. God knows I’ve been doin’ all the damn talking.” Negan was right, you did have something you wanted to ask him and it had been on your mind since the day Jadis, or rather, Anne had shown up at the gates of Alexandria looking for Rick.

“Why did you kill all of Jadis’ people? What was the reason for wiping them all out? Was it vengeance or were you just bored?” You hadn’t meant for it to come out as harsh as it did, but this was something you needed. While Jadis wasn’t your favourite person, she had helped your group when it was needed and before she disappeared, she had become a key member of the group. Negan sighed and you could see that the question bothered him. 

“I didn’t kill them,” he said in a low voice. “I ordered Simon to go and speak to her and get them to drop their alliance with you, but I never wanted him to… Simon killed Jadis’ people. I didn’t know about it until she told me herself.” You watched him, trying to see if he was lying, but you also knew he wasn’t a liar. In fact, Negan’s whole thing was that he never shied away from the truth. It was annoyingly charming and something that you admired and found incredibly irritating. 

“So, you’re _not_ a cold-blooded killer then,” you concluded. 

“Not always,” he said with a slight shrug.

The sun was getting higher in the sky now and it began to stream through the small window of Negan’s cell. You knew you would have to leave in a bit. You had promised Aaron that you would watch Gracie so he could run an errand. And by errand, you knew that meant meeting up with Jesus. The man thought he was being slick, but you could see right through his lovesick lies. It was adorable. 

“(Y/N),” Negan said, gaining your attention once again. “Let me ask you this because I have been curious since our last visit.” 

“Shoot,” you said. 

“What was your vote on what to do with me?” he asked. 

“We didn’t vote,” you reminded him. Rick had made the decision and that was that. 

“Well if you had,” Negan said, “what would you have chosen?” You thought about telling him, but a part of you loved keeping him on his toes. 

“I’ll tell you next time,” you said as you got up from your seat. 

“Tease!” he said dramatically as he fell back on his cot. You rolled your eyes but didn’t stop the smile that spread on your face. 

“Not used to getting what you want, Negan?” he looked over at you with narrowed eyes. You leaned over and wrapped your hands around the bars. “Tragic.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part three of the savior sessions. Both the reader and Negan open up about their fears on a rainy day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mention of The Governor being a rapist (briefly)
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Rain” by Ben Platt
> 
> Note: I am trying to make these as gender-neutral as possible. If you have seen me use specific pronouns or anything that counters that, let me know! Thanks! I am working on my Daryl story, but I wanted to throw this out there as I do.

It was raining when you woke up.

Droplets raced down your windows and thunder rolled in the distance. You knew it would be a day that was spent mostly inside. However, you also knew you had to pay Negan a visit. 

It was odd. He had surprised you. You could still see the layers of the man he was years before, but there was something…new that wasn’t there when he stepped out of that RV and introduced himself to your people.

Since you were young, you always believed in second chances. You never really thought anyone was truly evil until the world ended. Then, you had met people like the Governor and Gareth, two men who killed who for fun, who took pleasure in the torture and destruction of others.

While Negan had done evil things, you didn’t think he was evil. If horrific acts categorize someone as unsavable, then those closest to you, and even yourself, would be considered just as bad. Nobody was innocent in the new world, but perhaps some of them could still find redemption. 

Rolling onto your back, you stared up at the ceiling as the rain pelted the roof. The drumming of it drowned out the world for just a moment and you allowed yourself just a few more seconds of peace before throwing the blanket off and getting up for the day. 

You quickly dressed and then made way your way to the window. Few people milled around in the soaked streets. A few kids splashed in puddles as their parents smiled from the cover of their porches. You watched as Gracie ran around as Aaron tried to catch her, both of them laughing the whole time. 

Your house was one of the only ones that were left unscathed from the Savior’s attack. You lived next to Rosita who would sometimes use your spare bedroom when she needed a break from her boys. However, you tended to be alone for the most part unless one of the parents asked you to watch the kids. Being a teacher before the turn, you were really the only one who was able to get the little ones to calm down and listen.

Many people figured you would be the one to take over as the full-time teacher in Alexandria, but you couldn’t do it. You loved teaching back then, but now after everything, you were so different. And while you still cared about the kids, you were now more comfortable with a gun on your hip, watching the walls, or now, chatting with a killer. 

You grabbed your coat and then headed out of your house, walking towards the infirmary. Siddiq had been experimenting with a new tea that would help improve the immune systems of the Alexandria residents as the weather turned for the worse. Laura had been his last guinea pig for a taste test and the blonde had nearly choked it down while she tried to put on a brave face. However, the doctor had seen right through her and tried again. 

You were more than willing to help him out this morning as he had stitched you up enough over the past few years. The rain soaked your hair as you walked down the road, trying to keep your jacket tucked around your neck to keep the bandage that was placed there somewhat dry. Siddiq had patched you up the day before, but you had no desire to get an infection from a ruined bandage. 

As you approached the infirmary, Siddiq was already waiting for you on the porch. “I saw you coming,” he said with a warm smile. 

“I would have been here sooner, but I slept in,” you said with an apologetic shrug. 

“It’s the weather,” Siddiq said as he picked up two mugs from the table by the door. When he handed both of them to you, you rose a brow in question. “It gets cold in that cell,” he said with a shrug of his own. You smiled slightly, oddly touched that Siddiq had thought of Negan. Then again, he was the one who had looked after the man after Rick had opened his throat. 

You took a hesitant sip of the sweet-smelling tea and then relaxed as it actually tasted pretty good. “I think you managed to get this one right, Doctor,” you said raising your cup to him. 

“Mind telling other people that?” he asked.

“I’ll spread the word, Siddiq,” you said, walking back down his steps.

“Have fun,” he teased. 

“If both of my hands weren’t occupied, I would be sending you a very rude gesture right now,” you called over your shoulder as you continued toward the main road that led to Negan’s cell.

The guard waved to you as he left his post. You figured he hadn’t been there long. You were also trying to convince Michonne to drop the guard altogether. Negan knew he would most likely be executed if he broke out and from your conversations with him, you didn’t think he would try anyway. 

Balancing the mugs in one hand, you entered the stone building, shoving the door close with your foot. “Someone has their hands full this mornin’,” Negan said as he stood by the bars. 

“Courtesy of the good doctor,” you said, approaching him and handing him a steaming mug. “Trust me, I already checked for poison.” You hadn’t but it amused him. Negan took the mug through the bars and enclosed his hands around it.

Not bothering with the chair this time, you sat on the ground by the bars, pulling your knees up. Negan joined you, leaning against the cold wall. “How was your morning?” he asked, pleasantly. You chuckled under your breath. “What?”

“Nothing,” you said shaking your head. “It’s been…wet.” Negan looked at you and you rolled your eyes. “Don’t be gross,” you warned and he raised a hand in surrender. 

“I didn’t say anything,” he said. 

“No, but you were thinking it,” you said with narrowed eyes. 

“Ah, see, would you look at that! We’re so close we can already read each other’s minds.”

“Oh, great,” you said, turning up your nose. Negan mirrored your earlier expression and rolled his own eyes. 

“So, you don’t like the rain, then?” he asked.

“I don’t care for the thunderstorms, but I like a little rain. It makes the Walkers slower and freshens up the rotten air,” you explained, sipping on your tea. 

“Yeah,” Negan agreed, “I’m not too big on the thunderstorms either. Way back when the world was still somewhat functioning, we had a massive storm that cut the power right in the middle of the school day. Kids are rambunctious enough and then you give the little assholes a power outage and well…”

“Shit hits the fan,” you concluded. 

“You sound like you have personal experience,” Negan noticed. 

“I used to teach middle and high school English,” you revealed and Negan looked at you in surprise. 

“Did you like it?”

“It was better than this,” you said with a snort. 

“Fair enough,” Negan said. You let your head fall back and that’s when he noticed the bandage on your neck. “What happened there?” Your hand came up to touch the dressing. 

“Oh, I got cut when I was helping Scott with one of the walls. Walkers snuck up on us and I tripped on a piece of metal, scratch it on my way down. No big deal, I’ve had worse.” 

“Haven’t we all,” Negan muttered and you saw a flash of something behind his eyes, but it was gone in a second. “Well, you need to be more careful (Y/N), I can’t have my BFF gettin’ munched on by a corpse.” 

“BFF?” you asked with raised brows. Negan just winked back. “Alright, Mister, today, I want to hear a story from you.”

“I thought you said you were going to tell me what your vote would be,” Negan said, turning his head to look at you, waiting. You sighed as you remembered promising him that at the end of your last conversation, but you had been doing most of the talking in these sessions and it was his turn. 

“Story first,” you told him. “Then I’ll tell you.” He looked at you annoyed for a moment before shrugging. 

“As you wish, your majesty,” he said, but then he began his story. “Alright, how about the first time I ran into a herd?” 

“Oh? Do tell,” you said, resting your elbow on your knee and watching him. 

“Right, so, it wasn’t long after the Turn. Corpses were everywhere and you couldn’t walk out the door without having to bash in some skulls. I was trying to find someplace to hold up for a few days. I was with two other people, both are dead now, but they were decent people to travel with. My wife had just died and I needed to just leave, you know?” you nodded, understanding. “I made it to Richmond and god the number of Walkers was fucking terrifying. At this point, nobody knew what the fuck was going on. Not like we do now, but it was different back then as you remember.

“We moved into the city and then when I headed into the main district, lookin’ for the old FEMA centers, that’s when we saw it. Must have been over five hundred, maybe more. It was like they were all rotating in one big circle and then the bastards saw us and…well shit, I had never run so damn fast in my life. It was like we were magnets for the things and no matter where we turned, there were more and more…” Negan let out a breath as his memories haunted him. 

“What did you do to get away?” you asked.

“Managed to get an old tow truck workin’,” he said. “Plowed that sucker right through them until we could find high ground. Wasn’t pretty, but dealing with Walkers never is.”

“I think we all learned not to go to cities again after the first time,” you said, finishing your tea. 

“You did it too?”

“Atlanta,” you said with a nod. “Though, I did it multiple times for supplies so I guess I’m the idiot here.” 

“These were the runs you went on with Glenn?” he asked and you were surprised to hear him say Glenn’s name, but you nodded nonetheless. 

“Right,” you confirmed. “Though, I wasn’t with him the day he found Rick.”

Negan was quiet then and you knew he was thinking about Glenn. A few days before, Gabriel had come to you and told you that he sometimes overheard Negan saying his victims’ names in his sleep. Negan probably didn’t even know he was doing it, but it only added to your theory that Negan felt guilt for what happened at the line-up and everything afterward. 

“The fear I felt when all those Walkers were coming for us…” Negan continued. “It was the most primal thing I had ever felt. You know how they talk about fight or flight?” 

“Yeah.”

“I never once thought to fight at that moment. All I wanted to do was run and not look back. It wasn’t until weeks later that I got sick of running and I finally made Lucille.”

“‘Lucille, give me strength’,” you quoted and his head whipped towards you. “I told you, I was good at surveillance. I guess she did more for you than we all first thought. Not just a bat after all.”

“Never was that simple,” he said and you could hear the sadness in his voice as he spoke the words.

You were wondering if you could find her out in that field. It had been years, but if by some miracle it was there, you may be able to get it. Not that you were going to give it to Negan, but maybe someday if he was let out and went looking for her, you could give that piece back to him. The thing that was hated by your people but created the resilient man before you. You figured that was something. 

“You asked me before who the first person I killed was,” you began. Negan waited patiently. “I never knew his name or if he had a family, but I remember his face and how I felt at that moment. I was terrified. We were under attack by this man who called himself The Governor. This man ran a community, a town, and he was horrible. He was a rapist, a killer, and an overall tyrant. Not somebody that would have been welcomed here or the Sanctuary.” 

“Damn right,” Negan sneered. 

“We had liberated the town and Michonne had tried to kill him so he was pissed and eventually rolled up to the gates of the prison we were living in. He blasted our towers to rubble and his men and women began killing us. We were lucky enough to be pretty strong then and we killed most of them. Daryl got his hands on some grenades and took the tank out.”

“Tank?” Negan asked. 

“I told you, son of a bitch was crazy. His people attacked and we had to defend ourselves. I was trying to wrangle all the kids with a man by the name of Tyreese. He was Sasha’s brother. He and I were almost out when this man came up and tried to kill Tyreese as he held a very young Judith in his arms.”

Taking a breath, you tried to stay calm as you recounted the events. “He was gonna kill the baby and I had one of Daryl’s knife so I just rammed it into the man’s neck. I didn’t think it would be that hard, you know? Walkers are much easier, so when the blade made contact, it almost didn’t go through. Blood flowed all over me from the artery I had severed and Tyreese ran with Judith. I watched the man die at my feet as I collected myself, but it didn’t last long. A second later and an explosion racked the courtyard and I went down. I didn’t see Tyreese or the baby until we were all reunited.”

“You did it to protect your people, to protect a child,” Negan reminded you. 

“I wasn’t upset I killed him, Negan,” you said. “I was upset at how easy it was to do it.”

“I get that,” he said and you could tell he was being honest. That was something you admired about him, he never lied if he could help it. “What happened after that?” 

“Michonne killed the Governor and I woke up just as a Walker was about to kill me. Then, Glenn came out of nowhere and killed it and I ended up staying with him and Tara as we went to find the others. On the road is where we met Rosita, Abraham, and Eugene. I didn’t know it then, but I would be killing a lot more in the next few weeks.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not and you wouldn’t be either if you knew who tried to kill us…who tried to fucking slaughter us like cows…” your fists curled in as the visuals of Terminus flashed behind your eyes.

You hadn’t realized you were shaking until you felt a hand on yours as Negan reached through the bars to calm your hands. You realized then that this was the first time he had touched you and you felt oddly comforted. You patted his hand in thanks and he withdrew it, placing it back in his lap. “So, just know you’re not the only one who has felt fear like you did in that city.”

“But you fought,” he said. 

“I did, but all I wanted to do was run. It took me a long time to run towards danger than from it. Rick, Daryl, Carol, Abe, they all taught me to fight.”

“They did a good job,” he complimented. “You are one certified badass (Y/L/N).” 

“Who told you my last name?” you asked, narrowing your eyes. 

“Judith,” he said with a grin. 

“Should have known,” you said with a small smile. 

“There it is,” Negan said, pointing at your mouth. “I like seeing you smile.” You went to roll your eyes again, but a loud crash of thunder interrupted you. You jumped. 

“Jesus,” you swore under your breath. “That is why I hate storms.” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you,” he joked and you pushed his shoulder through the bars, making him laugh. The two of you sat in silence then, listening to the rain. This was only your third time speaking to him, but you were starting to feel a kind of camaraderie between the two of you. It was strange, but it began to feel natural. You wondered if this is how Judith felt when she spoke to him, this kind of calmness. Then again, Judith could make friends with everyone.

Negan’s eyes fell closed as he breathed in deep. In the low light of the cell, you could see the shiny line of the scar that permanently marked his throat and you finally answered his question. 

“I would have voted no,” you whispered. His eyes opened slowly and his head rolled to the right to look at you. 

“Why?” he simply asked. You kept eye contact as you spoke, making sure he understood every word. 

“None of us are saints, Negan,” you began. “All of us, Hilltop, Alexandria, Kingdom, Oceanside, we’ve all killed without a second thought to protect what’s ours. I’m not saying what you did was right, but sometimes I think back to the line-up or when you set the Walkers loose on Hilltop and I can’t help but think that I would’ve done the same if the situation was reversed. Maybe not with a baseball bat, but we’ve tortured and we’ve executed.”

“So, you’re saying that you wouldn’t have killed me because you’ve done shitty things, too?” he asked. 

“There is enough death in the world already,” you said with a shrug.

“Unbeing dead isn’t being alive,” Negan quotes and you tilted your head slightly. 

“E.E. Cummings was a wise man.” 

“Indeed he was,” Negan agreed with a smile. “Thanks for saying that.” 

“I told you I didn’t hate you and I meant it. To an outsider, we’re both monsters,” you explained. “I imagine that if I had been with the Saviors, I would have seen this side as the villains. All about perception, my friend.” 

“Ah, so you agree,” he said with a grin, “we are friends.”

“Oh, shut up.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fourth session in which you finally tell Negan about Terminus and then you have a realization that you don’t know what to do with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions of Cannibalism *terminus*
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “No Light, No Light,” by Florence + The Machine
> 
> Note: This one is a bit shorter, but I did say that was gonna happen. I just love writing these when I’m in a block

“Tell me something, Negan.”

“Such as?”

“What’s your favourite color?”

“That’s a stupid question.”

“Well, Negan is a stupid name.”

“Real mature.”

You lay on your back, staring up at the ceiling as you tossed a small ball up into the air. It had finally stopped raining in Virginia and after a long day of hunting with Eugene, you needed a break from the world.

And so you went to visit Negan.

The man in question mirrored your position on the other side of the bars. His pillow was behind his head as he watched the sun slowly go down and darken the cell. 

“What are you thinking?” He asked.

“Honestly? I’m thinking about how much I hate hunting,” you admitted.

“I would ask why, but I have a feeling it’s to do with how exhausted you seem today,” Negan said.

“Usually it doesn’t bother me, but today all I wanted was to do absolutely nothing.”

“Not trek through the woods hunting down deer.”

“Exactly,” you said with a yawn. “I did originally want to go find Daryl, but I’m not sure where he’s at these days.”

You and Daryl had an interesting friendship. It was much like his and Aaron’s. You didn’t spend every moment with the man, but when you did find the time to see him, it was as if no time had passed at all. Having known him since the quarry, it was easy to slip back into old routines. However, since Rick had died, it hadn’t been very easy on the archer, and he had, in turn, alienated himself from the rest of his family. 

You hadn’t told many people, but you really did miss him. You were seriously thinking about going to the Kingdom and seeing if Carol had spoken to him. You knew there might be an answer at Hilltop, but you hadn’t been to see the King in a while, and you were wondering how they were doing over there. 

“Judith has been asking about him. Overheard her and her mom yesterday,” Negan said. 

“He just needs time,” you said, more to yourself than him.

“And what do you need?” Asked Negan.

“Me? I need a day off,” you said, throwing the ball up again. Negan was quiet for a few more minutes, watching the task you completed.

He was curious about you, maybe even more than you were of him. Negan could tell by the way you spoke of the world that you were not as used to the horrors as some might think. Then again, he didn’t think anyone could truly get used to the way the world had ended and began again. 

“Okay, here’s a question for you,” Negan began.

“Shoot.”

“If you could do anything right now and I mean anything at all. What would your little heart desire?”

“Anything?” you asked. 

“That’s what I said.”

“Uh, probably watch TV,” you admitted.

“Wow, that is boring.” Negan said. You caught the ball again and then threw it through the bars, hitting Negan in the chest. He caught it before it could bounce away. “Damn, you are in a mood today.” 

“Sorry,” you muttered, trying to not let your mind wander too far. 

“Don’t apologize, just tell me what’s botherin’ you, and don’t say it’s hunting cause there’s more to it than that,” Negan said, twisting the ball around in his hands. 

“So what? You’re my therapist now?” you asked, keeping your eyes on the ceiling above you. 

“I am a fantastic listener,” he said and you just knew he was grinning. With a sigh, you turned to look at him and he mirrored you, his patient eyes waiting. 

“When I was out hunting earlier…” you began, “I found a Walker that made me remember…something.” You took a breath, trying not to let the feelings from that time catch up, but you knew it was inevitable. The horrors of that place had never left you. “Do you remember the first time I came to speak to you and I mentioned I had seen what happens when someone loses all sense of humanity?” Negan nodded. 

“Yeah and then you said you would tell me about it one day. The same day you said I hadn’t lost my own humanity and that you hoped I never would.” 

“Right, well, uh,” you took another breath, trying to steady your breathing. “The Walker I saw had its throat slit open and I don’t mean a little. It was cut from ear to ear and I could see…everything.”

“I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of Walkers, (Y/N). Some worse than that,” Negan said, trying to see where you were going with this. 

“The reason that it bothered me so much,” you continued, “was because of what happened at Terminus.”

The word itself felt like a curse. Those who were still here and had survived it still had issues with the name, let alone the memories that came with it. You and Daryl, however, were the only two left that had been at the trough and witnessed what Gareth had done to those they took captive. 

“Terminus?” Negan echoed, confused. 

“It was supposed to be a ‘Sanctuary For All’,” you said bitterly. “It was the complete opposite. Our group had been separated after the Governor’s attack on the prison. I didn’t know who was dead and who was alive. It was just me, Tara, and Glenn on the road and all he wanted to do was find Maggie. Nothing was going to stop him from doing so and Tara and I were willing to do whatever it took to reunite them.” 

Negan went still at the mention of the Rhees as he always did, but he didn’t interrupt. “As I said before, we met up with Abraham, Rosita, and Eugene on the road and they agreed to help us find her. It wasn’t long before we started seeing these signs and maps for Terminus. Some kind of Hail Mary in our desperate search for shelter. 

“Maggie was ahead of us,” you went on. “She and Sasha and another man by the name of Bob were leaving us breadcrumbs that all lead to Terminus. We didn’t know it at the time, but others had seen the signs too. Rick, Michonne, Daryl, and Carl were going to Terminus as well and it was only a matter of time. We met up with Maggie and the others in a tunnel and then joined them as we entered Terminus. It seemed perfect. Fences, people, food, weapons, everything you needed to survive in the world.”

“But it wasn’t what it seemed,” Negan guessed and you shook your head. 

“They offered us food and then…and then they attacked us. We were stripped of our weapons and then shoved into a train car like cattle. I don’t remember how long we were in there before I heard more gunshots and then the unmistakable sound of Rick Grimes yelling out orders.” 

“They had come to save you?” Negan asked, but he was wrong. 

“No, they had believed in the same thing we did and fell for the ruse. Rick figured it out sooner, but it was too late. They had guns on Carl and were threatening to kill him and Michonne. Daryl and Rick made the choice to cooperate. They dropped their weapons and then were placed in the car with us.” 

“How long were all of you in there?” Negan asked, softly. 

“Not long before they came for us. Gareth, that was the man who ran the place, he had his men drag me, Rick, Bob, Glenn, and Daryl out of the train car and into the main warehouse. I still remember how Rick looked when I saw him in the light for the first time. He was…determined, worried, but also changed. Blood was all over him, and something told me that he was still reeling from something but I didn’t know what.”

“What happened next?” Negan asked, trying to keep you on target. You sat up then, pulling your legs underneath you as if feeling the need to curl in on yourself. 

“Our hands were bound behind our backs and we were forced to our knees,” you said, trying to keep your hands from shaking.

“We were put on our knees before a large steel trough, like the ones they use for horses. As soon as I saw the drain at the bottom, I knew what was going to happen. Glenn was next to me and I have never seen him that scared. Not when he thought Maggie was gone, not when the farm was overrun, or even as he knelt at your feet. Glenn looked at me and he knew, just as I did, that we were going to die.”

“What did Rick do?” Negan asked.

“He threatened Gareth, but there wasn’t much he could do. Then we had to sit there as his men slit open the throats of other prisoners and let their blood drain into the tub. Just before they went for Glenn, Gareth stopped them. Something about too much in the inventory,” you said, feeling sick. 

“Please tell me…” Negan began, “please tell me they weren’t doing what I think they were doing?” Your eyes met his and you could see that he had figured it out. 

“It wasn’t until we found the torsos hanging on meat hooks that we became absolutely sure that they weren’t just killers—”

“They were cannibals,” Negan finished. 

“Ironic, isn’t it?” you said with another bitter laugh. “We fight the Dead monsters who tried to consume us only to find worse ones within the Living.” 

“How the hell did you get out of there?” he asked and you oddly smiled at the memory. 

“Carol,” you said. “Carol had intercepted one of the Terminus soldiers while traveling with Judith and Tyreese. She had a very large gun and proceeded to blow up a gas tank that sat on the edge of the property. Blew it and a hell of a lot of Walkers sky high. Distracted the psychos long enough for us to fight back and kill the captors. As soon as Daryl freed me, I killed the son of a bitch who had nearly killed Glenn.” 

You took a moment to compose yourself, trying not to sink even further into the memory of it all. Negan was watching you with concern on his face. You didn’t quite understand why. He must have seen some horrible things since the start of it all. However, you weren’t sure how long he had been the leader of the Saviors before you had met him. He could have been sitting comfortably longer than the rest of you had initially thought. 

Although, it was interesting to see how disturbed he was by your story. It was just another piece of evidence that proved that the man before you was not the monster people wanted him to be. 

“(Y/N),” he said, pulling you back to the present.

“Right,” you said, shaking your head slightly. “So, after we managed to get out of the Slaughter House, we got the rest of our people out of the train car and fought our way through the compound. We must have killed most of them by the time we managed to get over the fence and into the woods. Carol found us soon after and she had some of our weapons, including Daryl’s bow. She had saved us all and then she had taken us to Tyreese where Rick was finally reunited with Judith.” 

“I bet that was…a lot,” Negan said.

“Considering Rick and Carl both thought she had died at the prison, it was incredible. We were finally all together again but had no place to go. We found Gabriel soon after and that set us on our path to here,” you said looking around the room. 

“And to me,” Negan finished. 

“Yeah, and to you,” you said, this time looking away from him. “Sometimes I wish we never had gone with Aaron that day. We never would have gotten involved with Gregory and Hilltop, my family never would have been in that clearing that night, we would have never would have gone to war.” You ran your hands through your hair, trying to block out all the negative thoughts that threatened to erupt. 

“I’m sorry,” Negan whispered and your eyes locked onto his. He was looking at you, but his mind seemed far away. 

“Don’t do that,” you said. 

“What?”

“Apologize. Just because I don’t feel intense hatred for you that doesn’t mean I want to hear you say sorry for murdering my friends,” you said strongly. “It happened, it was horrible, but it’s done.”

“It wasn’t my intention to upset you,” Negan said as you stood up from the ground. “Where are you going?” he asked. 

“I need to be alone,” you said as you walked towards the door. You paused before opening it and turned back to him again. You went to say something else, but couldn’t get the words out. Quickly pulling open the door, you locked it behind you and nearly jogged away from the cell.

As you walked down the street, you nearly ran into Gabriel who was walking towards the Grimes’ house. “Are you okay?” he asked. It took you a moment to focus on his face. Gabriel looked down at you with concern, reaching out a hand to place it on your shoulder. “(Y/N), what happened?” he asked, clearly knowing where you came from. 

“I told him about Terminus,” you whispered, barely focusing on the world around you. Gabriel tilted his head.

“Why?” he asked. You looked up at him with a confused expression of your own. 

“I…I don’t know.” You stepped away from him and continued walking towards your house. You couldn’t keep Negan’s face out of your head. You hadn’t intended to end the session like that, speechless and somewhat angry.

Shutting your door behind you, you leaned against it and tears flowed from your eyes, more out of frustration than anything. Staring down at your hands, you couldn’t get them to stop shaking.

Gabriel had asked you why you felt the need to share that story with Negan and the truth was, you did know why, but you couldn’t bring yourself to say it out loud, though the words echoed in your mind:

You and Negan were the same. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a storm approaching, you offer to house Negan for the duration and maybe in the process deal with all the nagging thoughts that have come up during all the sessions so far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: None
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Keeping Your Head Up” by Birdy
> 
> Note: This one is more like an intro to the next one, but I thought I’d post it cause I’m posting these in between some angsty stories!

The constant arguing was finally getting on your nerves. **  
**

Sitting in the meeting hall, you listened to the council and other key members of Alexandria argue about the same thing as always: Negan. This week’s issue was that there was a storm coming in that would most likely bring lots of rain, at least that’s what Eugene was thinking. Whether he was right or not, there was still the question of where they were putting their prisoner so he didn’t drown in his cell.

There were those such as Aaron and Rosita who couldn’t care less about what happened to the man, but then there were people like Gabriel who were still mildly concerned. They had locked him up, kept him fed, and Gabriel didn’t think it was fair to keep him in such a vulnerable position during the potential downpour.

Nobody wanted to leave him alone in an empty house and Aaron had even suggested tying him up in the watch post, but Michonne had shot that down immediately. 

You sat in the back row of the hall, waiting for them to stop hollering at each other. The last conversation you had had with Negan hadn’t ended well. You were tired, he was curious, and you were not in the mood for his… _negan-ness_ at all. The realization that you and the former leader were similar had rocked you a bit. You weren’t sure what to do with the information. 

There was a part of you that wanted to just walk out the front gate and not look back. Running away had once been a pattern for you before the world had ended, but you had fought to break that streak once you joined up with this group of survivors. However, spending a few days in the woods alone seemed not too bad right now. Daryl did seem to have the right idea at times, you thought. 

The hum of arguing continued and you fought against everything you had not to yell at them. If Alexandria didn’t have strong walls, you were sure the Dead would have been called from miles away with this volume.

“I’ll do it,” you said, more to the wall than anyone. The yelling continued so you stood up and projected your voice louder, “I’ll do it!”

Everyone in the room turned to look at you, Michonne pausing mid-sentence. “What?” Aaron asked.

“I said, I’ll do it. Negan can stay with me at my place for the duration of the storm.” Nobody knew what to say as you offered your home to be Negan’s temporary cell.

“(Y/N),” Gabriel began, unsure how to continue.

“I have an extra room,” you explained, “my fireplace works, I live alone, and I’m already his therapist, might as well be his warden too.”

“It’s not your job to… _house_ him,” Rosita said.

“No, it’s not,” you agreed. “It’s probably Michonne’s considering she’s head of security, but _she_ has two little ones. Now, I doubt Judith and RJ would care if Negan stayed in their living room, but this way I keep him from all of you and y'all can stop bickering like a PTA meeting." 

"And if he tries to leave?” Aaron asked, but you rolled your eyes.

“He won’t,” you assured him, “though, if he managed to sneak past me, all the other houses, _and_ get over the walls in the storm, then hell, he would deserve the escape." 

"Let’s try not to let that happen,” Michonne said and you nodded. “Are you going to need extra supplies?” She asked simply. You resisted the urge to roll your eyes at how easy it was to take on the responsibility. You knew it was just a matter of time before someone spoke up and you also knew that person was going to be you.

“I think we’ll be okay. I’ll wait until the sun goes down and then drag _Alcatraz_ on over.” 

You didn’t wait for a response before grabbing your jacket and exiting the hall. All around Alexandria, people were prepping for the storm. There wasn’t much they could do considering there was only a few hour warning. These were the days when you missed The Weather Channel the most. Since the world had ended, it was the small things that you missed about the old world rather than the big ones. 

Waving to Gracie who was sitting on the steps of her house, you continued on your way to your small home near the South wall. It wasn’t much and it was smaller than the rest of the homes, but you preferred it. Rick had once called it your “crows nest” which was appropriate considering your time as a sniper. 

Rosita’s house was locked up tight as you passed it and jogged up your front steps. There wasn’t much more to do as you tended to keep your house secure most of the time.

You spent the next couple of hours taping down the windows, grabbing firewood from the communal supply, and taking inventory of your food stock. The whole thing was becoming…odd. It was as if you were a kid again, making sure the house was clean for company so your parents didn’t feel embarrassed.

The thought alone made you chuckle as you finished off your chores by grabbing extra blankets from the hall closet. Glancing outside, the sun began to dip and droplets of rain were already spattering against the windows. With a sigh, you grabbed your coat and began the walk over to the cell. 

There were very few people out on the streets and you had a feeling Gabriel and Michonne had spread the news that public enemy number one would be lead out on his leash tonight. Walking by the Grimes’ house, Judith looked at you through the window. You sent her a wink and she grinned back, giving you a thumbs up. 

You often wondered where her constant optimism came from because it definitely didn’t come from being raised by Rick or by her biological father. Shane was never one to see the glass as half full for as long as you knew him. However, now that you were thinking about it, Lori did have that little spark deep down…very deep down. Perhaps Judith Grimes was one of a kind after all.

Pulling the keys from your belt, you shuffled down the steps and unlocked the large door. Stepping inside the cold room, you were surprised to be met with silence. You stepped closer to the bars and then you understood why. 

Negan was fast asleep. 

You took a moment to watch the sleeping man. There was something so innocent about the way a person slept. It was like a reset button for a night and right now he didn’t look like the monster Alexandria and others feared, he was just a man trying to get some rest in a screwed-up world. Rest that you felt bad about interrupting. 

Pulling the right key, you inserted it into the cell door and pushed it open. Negan remained asleep as you crept forward. Leaning down, you gently shook his shoulder, trying to wake him. Negan’s eyes flew open and his hand tightly gripped the arm that was resting on him. “Ow,” you grunted at the pressure, trying to pull your hand back. 

“What’s going on?” He muttered, blinking in the darkness. 

“I’ll tell you if you let me go,” you hissed. Negan finally focused on you, his brows furrowed. 

“(Y/N)?” he asked.

“Negan, _hand_ ,” you reminded him.

“Oh, right,” he said, releasing you from his grip. You stepped back, rubbing at the skin that was sure to be bruised later. He slowly sat up and glanced at the open cell door before looking back at you. “What? Has the Queen of Alexandria finally agreed to a public execution?” he asked bitterly.

With a roll of your eyes, you reached over and grabbed the thick jacket Gabriel had gotten for him a few weeks ago. You threw it at him. 

“There’s a massive storm rolling through and Eugene thinks it’ll flood some areas. You’re staying with me until it passes. No more than two days,” you explained, crossing your arms. Negan was silent as his fingers played with the thick material of his jacket. 

“Why?” he asked. 

“Why what?” you asked, exasperated.

“Why would anyone care if I _succumbed_ to the elements?” he asked with narrowed eyes. 

“You don’t want to come? That’s fine. I don’t mind being alone,” you said with a challenge in your eyes. Negan quickly stood, shaking his head. 

“No, no, a warm house sounds very nice,” he quickly said. “I’m a great house guest.”

“Right,” you said, still feeling the awkwardness that remained between the two of you from your last conversation. Negan shrugged on the jacket and then you walked to him, producing a pair of cuffs. 

“Seriously?” he asked, staring at the chains with disdain.

“Either this or learn to swim,” you said, dangling the cuffs. Negan huffed but offered you his wrists anyway. You quickly fastened them and then took hold of his arm. “Come on, it’s already started to rain.

Negan followed you out of the cell, hesitating on the threshold for a moment. You squeezed his arm briefly and he kept walking. The two of you pushed out into the damp air and you let go of him for a second to close up the room tightly, trying to reduce the amount of water damage that was sure to come.

Turning back to Negan, his attention wasn’t on you, but on the overcast sky. His head was tilted back as he breathed in the night air. A look of content was on his face and you almost thought he was smiling slightly. It was then that you realized this was the first time he had been outside in…you didn’t know how long.

Taking his arm again, you pulled him away from his thoughts and tugged him after you. Negan kept pace with you as you began the walk home. The streets were completely empty now, but it didn’t stop Negan from looking around with those curious eyes of his. 

You didn’t know what compelled you to do it, but you easily slowed your pace, letting the walk take twice as long as usual. Looking up at Negan who was completely focused on Alexandria, you let yourself feel a bit sorry for the man. Obviously, Michonne had her reasons for keeping him locked up. You knew them and so did Negan, but you thought that perhaps he should be let out a bit more often. 

Michonne had asked you to start visiting him because she thought all the isolation was bad for him, but she also didn’t realize that it wasn’t just being _alone_ that wasn’t good for him. He needed to be _out_ and even if it was starting to pour, you were going to let him have this moment. 

Sliding your arm off of his, you let him wander ahead of you a bit, keeping him close, but not so much him being a dog being lead on a leash. He took the paths with grass on them and ran his hands down light posts and across fences. It was like watching someone rediscover the world and it made you oddly happy. 

“This way, genius,” you called when he began walking down another street. He quickly walked to your side with a grin on his face. “What?”

“I just never imagined you’d be taking me home so soon,” he joked and you rolled your eyes. 

“Well, I didn’t think you would enjoy spending the night in the stables,” you explained, kicking at a loose stone on the road. 

“And Michonne and Gabe probably told you that I needed a babysitter.”

“That too,” you agreed. You finished the walk in silence. There were moments when you had to steer Negan in the right direction, but overall, you let him walk on his own without a guard. Arriving at your house, you pulled him up the steps, ignoring Rosita who was glaring at him through her window. Negan didn’t seem to notice or if he did, he didn’t say anything.

“Home sweet home, huh?” Negan said as he stepped into your house. The fire was already burning as your pulled of your jacket and lay it across a chair near the flames. Negan was looking around at the warm room when you walked to him and grabbed his wrists, the key to the cuffs in your hand. “Really?” he asked, surprised. 

“Did you expect me to keep them on?” you asked, removing the cuffs.

“Kind of, yeah,” he admitted. 

“Well, this is not the cell, it’s my house. My house, my rules, and I say that nobody needs to wear handcuffs. So, here you go. Two days of whatever you want. The kitchen is stocked, there’s decently hot water, and the spare bedroom is the final door on the left. However, you touch my _weapons_ and I will put the cuffs back on, deal?” Negan stared at you for a second before nodding. 

“Yeah, no problem,” he said and you gave him an awkward thumbs up before leaving him be in your living room. Walking into your kitchen, you wished for whiskey, another small thing you missed from the old world.

“This is going to be a _long_ two days.” 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part six! Negan and the reader have a little chat by the fireside that may or may not involve booze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: None
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Secrets” by One Republic
> 
> Note: I am so happy that so many of you want to be tagged in this! I think this series is my favourite to write right now! I have a lot more stories to get through before session 7, but I already have an idea for it!

The storm arrived that night.

Eugene had been right after all. The rain created a curtain around the house. You could barely see anything through the downpour and you had a feeling that there would be a lot of damage to clean up once the storm had eventually passed. You began to wonder how many drowned Walkers you were going to have to clean up and that had made your stomach turn. The water-logged ones were the worst. 

Then, of course, there _had_ to be a problem with your house to top it all off. Grumbling, you hammered a piece of wood against the bottom of your back door, slipping on the water that was flowing through the small gap. You had thought you had fully storm-proofed your home _before_ the clouds rolled in, but the distraction of your newest house guest had caused you to miss a few things. 

Swinging the hammer again, the side of it clipped your finger and you let out a string of curses that would have had Gabriel’s ears burning. “Need some help?” Negan’s voice came from behind you and your grip tightened on the hammer as you fought to keep your emotions under control. 

“Can you make it stop raining?” you asked, finishing up with the board. 

“Not that I am aware, but who knows, I am _pretty_ amazing when I want to be,” Negan joked and you rolled your eyes. Standing up, you threw the hammer on the counter and turned to look at him. “You know, I am very good around the house. Made the wife _quite_ happy back in the day.” That statement had made you pause. Negan _never_ spoke about Lucille, at least not to you, and never so candidly. 

“Well then I am very sure that you will make a group of suburban housewives _very happy_ one day,” you quipped, pushing past him to grab your glass of water. 

“Wow, you are _so_ funny,” he mocked and you smiled behind the rim of your glass. Looking over at him, you took a moment to really look at the man outside of the cell. He had stripped off his heavy coat and while he still wore his usual denim ensemble, there was something very relaxed about his demeanor. “What?” he asked, catching your eye.

“Nothing, it’s just odd seeing you so… _normal_. You know? Out of the cell,” you explained with a shrug. Negan mirrored your movement. Leaning against your kitchen counter. “It’s funny,” you continued, “I actually imagined you as a stay at home dad rather than a handyman.” 

“Is that so?” Negan asked.

“I think it’s just ‘cause you’re so good with kids. You got Judith to trust you,” you told him. 

“I didn’t do anything except talk to her,” Negan said. “She’s a bright kid.”

“Yeah, she is,” you said and then the room became very awkward. You weren’t exactly sure what you were supposed to be doing. When you had offered your home to house Negan, you figured he would take the opportunity to get some sleep on an actual bed for once. You didn’t really expect him to want to talk to you. 

“So,” he said, “this is a nice place.” You raised your brows at the attempt at small talk and ran with it. 

“Yeah, it’s decent. Not as big as some of the other places, but after you and yours burned down half our houses, this was one of the only ones left,” you said casually. 

“Everything always comes back to all the fucked up shit I did, doesn’t it?” Negan asked, but his tone was neutral and not angry which was a relief. 

“You could bring up all my screw-ups too,” you mentioned. 

“I don’t know any of them,” Negan pointed out. 

“No?” you said, feigning surprise, “that’s unfortunate.” Grinning, you pushed past him and into the living room where the fire was burning bright. You collapsed onto your couch and Negan joined you on the other side. 

“I remember the first time I went into one of these places,” Negan said, leaning back into the pillows and propping his feet up onto the table in front of him. “Had to bring the kid back after he broke into the Sanctuary. Grimes did have a nice house,” Negan said, nostalgia entering his eyes as he thought about Carl. 

“I remember that day,” you said. “Ended quite bloody, didn’t it?” Negan grimaced, but you just laughed which of course, only made him look at you as if you were insane. “Don’t worry about me being pressed about you gutting Monroe in the middle of the street. The guy was an _asshole_ ,” you said. 

“Sometimes I _really_ wonder about you…” he said slowly, watching you play with a loose thread on a cushion. 

“Spencer was ready to ‘overthrow’ the _one_ person who had kept us safe. Rick was the only one capable to lead us and Spencer was just pissed that nobody let him be the King after his family died. Even his _mom_ knew that Rick was the best for Alexandria.”

“So, to be clear, you’re not pissed that I killed him,” Negan said, 

“No, but I _am_ kind of pissed that you had Arat kill Olivia. She was a good one, bit mousey, but nice.” 

“In my defense, I told her to kill _somebody_ , I didn’t specify which person.”

“Yeah, well, now she’s dead too, so who cares, right?” Negan quirked a brow at that one. 

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re a bit cold?” Negan asked. Instead of answering, you just gave him a sly smile. Negan shook his head with a chuckle, turning his attention back to the fire. Sitting there with him felt…nice. 

When you began to see the similarities between him and you, it had alarmed you, but now? Now you were starting to perhaps realize that it wasn’t all that bad. You and Negan were _both_ survivors and _both_ of you had done some pretty horrible things to get to where you were now. Your drive to help others was there too along with your desire to protect what was yours. Rick had always mentioned that you were built for the new world and you knew he was right. 

Getting up, you went to the cabinet next to the fireplace. “You drink?” you asked him as you rifled through your shelves. 

“As in alcohol?” Negan asked, sitting up straighter. You peered over your shoulder with amusement in your eyes. 

“No, milk,” you deadpanned. “Yes, Negan, alcohol. Do you drink _alcohol_?” 

“I do if you are offerin’,” he said as a smile slowly spread across his face. Reaching behind an old stack of blankets you produced two jars of clear liquid and held them up. “Is that what I think it is?” Negan asked, his smile widening. You rejoined him on the couch and handed him one of the jars. 

“It’s not vodka, I will tell you that much,” you said, unscrewing the lid on your own jar and taking a small sip. The moonshine hit the back of your throat and you sighed at the burn. Negan lifted his own drink to his nose and then pulled back, his eyes widening. 

“This would’ve been illegal,” he said, nearly tearing up at the strength of the whiskey. “Who the hell made this?” 

“Eugene,” you said, taking another sip. “Good right?” Negan finally took a sip and he had a similar reaction to your own. He took a few more sips before answering. 

“Okay, I admit it, that is _damn_ good,” he said, sinking further into the couch. You grinned as the alcohol filtered into your bloodstream. You didn’t drink often due to your duties in Alexandria, but you figured now was as good a time as any. It wasn’t like you had to be anywhere the next day. 

“Just don’t get too wasted,” you warned. “I am not responsible enough to tackle someone to the ground before they end up in the fireplace due to their lack of ability to hold their liquor.” Negan scoffed. 

“Trust me, I am _more_ than capable of handling my booze,” he promised. “However, I am curious about _your_ drinking habits. I didn’t think one of _Alexandria’s finest_ would be able to drink _and_ protect the valiant citizens,” he said with a half-ass salute. This time, you were the one who scoffed.

“You say it like I’m Michonne or something,” you said. “I am purely a person who can shoot a gun, kill a Walker, and apparently be a rather good therapist.”

“Aren’t I supposed to be the one who gets to be the judge about your skills as a pseudo psychologist?” Negan asked as he swirled his drink. 

“Alright then, lay it on me,” you said and he grinned. You rolled your eyes. “You know what I meant.”

“Again with the mind-reading, (Y/N),” he said. “It’s honestly getting a bit creepy.”

“I’m waiting,” you said, staring up at the ceiling. 

“Pushy,” Negan observed, but continued on. “I would give you four out of five stars. It would be a full five-star rating, but you’re missing something.” 

“And what would that be, oh wise one?” you asked, not really wanting the answer. 

“You leave things out,” Negan said and your eyes snapped to his as your brow furrowed. “It’s true, don’t try to deny it.”

“But I don’t…” you said, confused. “I’ve always told you the truth.”

“You edit,” he accused. “I know there is way more in that head of yours. You don’t wanna tell me? That’s fine, but just know that one day I am going to know all of your secrets.”

“Because of the mind-reading?”

“Well yeah,” Negan joked, “but also because you will learn to trust me. I can see it now, (Y/N), you and I, taking on the world together.” You snorted, shaking your head. 

“Sounds like a bad TV show to me,” you said, the humor slowly leaving your voice. 

“You’re doin’ it now,” he observed. You looked at him with narrowed eyes. “You’re not tellin’ me everything you’re thinking.”

“I didn’t realize that was a requirement for our arrangement,” you said. 

“It is now,” Negan said and then gestured for you to continue. “Tell me, what’s bothering you?”

“Do you actually care?” Negan nodded. You watched him for a moment before relenting and sitting up higher on your cushion. “Do you want to know why I live alone?” you asked. 

“Go for it,” he said. 

“I don’t…fit in all that well. At least not anymore. I don’t have many friends.” 

“What about Michonne?” Negan asked, placing his drink down on the table, giving you his full attention. 

“We get along,” you said, “but it’s been different since Rick. I was a lot closer to some of the others. Aaron and Siddiq are great, but Glenn, Daryl. Maggie, Carl, _those_ were my people. I learned how to survive with them, you know? I was with the Grimes family since the quarry and then we later met Maggie and her family, but it was always us against all of this. When we moved in here, I felt as if something had broken. I knew that some of the others had seen it. Glenn especially. He knew something was different, but he wanted to make a home here. There was only one person who truly shared my feelings.”

“Who was that?” Negan asked quietly, which is how he usually got when you brought up Glenn. 

“Sasha,” you answered, feeling a weight in your stomach at the mention of her name. Negan nodded, remembering her. “She and I were…different. We both saw the ugliness wherever we went. Sasha was always tough, but after her brother died, she became _hard_ and she didn’t trust this place, not for a while. She was my best friend,” you admitted. 

“I’m sorry about what happened to her,” Negan said and then froze as he remembered what happened the last time he had apologized, but you waved him off.

“Wasn’t your doing,” you said. “Sasha made a choice to do what she did. I don’t think it’s fair to blame anyone for what happened.”

“She wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t of… if I hadn’t of been who I was.”

“Maybe,” you said with a shrug, “but she was dealing with a lot.” Negan was quiet after that as you sipped on your moonshine, watching the flames flicker in the dark. You didn’t talk about Sasha a lot, there weren’t many people to talk about her with. When you would visit Maggie, you would reminisce, but it had been a long time since you went to Hilltop. 

Downing another mouthful of your drink, you basked in the warmth that ran through you. Negan watched you, observing how laid back you were. It was odd to see someone so relaxed around him and he wasn’t sure what to do with it. 

“So,” he said breaking the silence, “why stay here if you’re not close with the others? Why not go to Kingdom or one of the other communities?” 

“Carl is buried here,” you said simply, placing your jar to the side. “Rick’s children are here and they need someone to remind them of the family they lost. RJ needs to know stories about his dad and Judith needs to know about both Rick and Lori. I can give them that. Carol…well, she found a family and her own path and so did Maggie and I guess Daryl did too in his own way. I suppose I’m staying here until I figure it all out.” 

“You were a teacher before all this, right?” Negan said, remembering, “why don’t you do that?”

“I’m not the kind of teacher these kids need these days. I’m not exactly the best person to teach them how to survive,” you said quietly. Negan didn’t ask you to elaborate on that. At least, not tonight. 

Suddenly, the house shook from thunder causing you to jump. “I forgot,” Negan said, “you hate thunderstorms.” You looked over at him, surprised he had remembered that small detail you had previously revealed. You didn’t know if it was the liquor or just the solitary your home offered, but you leaned forward and looked him in the eye. 

“I’m gonna make you a promise,” you said. Negan waited patiently. “I am not going to let them keep you locked up all the time anymore.” Negan’s brow furrowed.

“What?”

“I am going to talk to Michonne about letting you out of your cell more often. Hell, even the worst prisoners got yard time back in the day. Even if it’s just early in the morning or late at night, I want you to be able to walk around and not feel so trapped. Maybe even let you stay here once in a while.” 

_“Why?”_ he asked, clearly surprised. Another crash of thunder shook your walls and you instinctively grabbed onto Negan’s arm. His eyes flashed to your hand and back to you before you quickly let go. 

“Because,” you continued, “while they are never going to trust you or forgive you, they should _at least_ trust that you’re not gonna kill someone. Also, they need to start treating you like a person instead of an animal locked in a cage.”

“And what if Michonne and the rest of the council say no?” Negan asked. You shrugged, grabbing your jar off the floor and drinking deep. 

“Michonne and Gabriel aren’t the only ones with keys.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part Seven! Negan wakes the reader from a nightmare, the reader shares a moment of their past with him, maybe people can change….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: None
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “I Caught Myself” by Paramore
> 
> Note: Oh I do love a good middle of the night chat.

You were running.

The Dead surrounded you, cutting off your exits wherever you turned. Their groans bounced against the city walls as their numbers grew. No matter where you turned, more would join the horde and they were relentless.

“Rick!” you screamed, trying to see over the mass of Walkers. “Carl!”

Nobody responded and nobody came for you. Only you and the Dead remained. Without a weapon, you pushed through the rotting limbs and pushed your legs harder, your boots digging into the torn-up asphalt beneath you. You could hear the sound of Walkers and in the distance, someone was screaming. 

Careening around a sharp corner, you faltered as you came face to face with a man. His head was cloaked in the darkness from the hood he wore, but in his hands was a shotgun. The screaming came closer and you soon recognized it. It was from Carl. It was the same scream from when Walkers had attacked the Quarry and killed Amy. 

You frantically tried to get to him, but when you turned to run, the Walkers only moved in closer. Turning back to face the man, he raised his gun at you. With wide eyes, you felt for a weapon on your hip and found Rick’s colt. You didn’t hesitate, you couldn’t, you had to get to Carl. With a quick draw, you unloaded a round into the man’s chest. 

Blood sprayed from the wound and he fell. Around you, the Walkers dropped too, falling into heaps of rotting flesh with fresh bullet wounds in their chests. 

Identical ones to the faceless man.

Looking down at yourself, you were covered in red and black blood. Before you could register anything else, a melodic whistle reached your ears. 

Slowly, you lifted your head, and out of the corner of your eye, you saw a flash of leather and barbed wire. 

* * *

“(Y/N)!” 

You sat up with a gasp, your hands frantically searching for a gun that was not there. Instead, you only felt the warm blankets that were your own bed.

You were safe, in Alexandria, and someone was talking to you. It took you a second to focus on their voice as you came fully out of your dream. “Who?” you said, still confused. Then, you felt a hand on your shoulder and you finally realized who was sitting beside you. _“Negan?”_ you asked, his face finally materializing in front of you in the low light of your bedroom. 

“Welcome back to the land of the conscious,” he said, dropping his hand. 

“What’s going on?” you asked, rubbing at your eyes. 

“You were having some kind of nightmare,” Negan explained. “Hell, you were yellin’ so loud that if it weren’t for this damn storm, people would be thinkin’ you were being murdered. Which, by the way, would _not_ be good for me.” You didn’t have the energy to laugh or smile at his joke, instead, you rubbed at your temples, trying to soothe the ache that bloomed behind your eyes. 

“Did I hit my head, too?” you asked. 

“No, _that_ would be the moonshine,” Negan said. “Wait here.” Negan left the room and you wiped at the sweat on your brow. The storm was still raging outside your walls, the rain wasn’t as heavy, but the wind had only gotten stronger. You figured it was around three in the morning or so and sleep was the last thing on your mind as you reeled from the dream you had been pulled out of. 

You didn’t take much stock in the analysis of dreams, but this one had to be telling you something. Although, you weren’t sure if you wanted to find out. Especially with how it ended. 

“Here you go,” Negan said as he entered the room again, holding a glass of water. He sat down on the edge of your bed and handed the glass to you. You drank half of it in one go. The water cooled your dry throat but didn’t do much to soothe the nerves in your stomach. 

“Thanks,” you said, placing the glass on the table beside your bed. Running a hand down your face, you tried to take some deep breaths. “And thanks for waking me up.” Negan nodded, but his eyes were full of concern as he looked at you. 

“Wanna tell me what you were dreaming about?” he asked, tilting his head slightly. 

“No,” you shook your head, and then the conversation from the night before came back to you. “And that is not me keeping things to myself or editing my thoughts, I just don’t want to talk about it,” you quickly added, but Negan wasn’t backing down yet. 

“You were yelling Rick’s name,” Negan said softly and you were sure that if it hadn’t been as dark as it was, red would have been very apparent on your face right then. 

“Negan, I really don’t want to talk about it,” you said, exasperated. 

“Alright,” he conceded. “I’m sorry.” He looked at you for a moment before looking down at his feet. You wanted to reach out and touch his shoulder, to try and offer comfort, but you quickly dismissed the idea. It was rare when you offered physical touch to _anyone_ , let alone Negan. However, the more time you spent with the man, the more you found yourself gravitating towards him. 

In more ways than one.

“It’s okay,” you said gently, _“I’m_ the one who should be sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” Negan shrugged off your apology, leaning back on his forearms. 

“I wasn’t asleep, still trying to get used to not having to sleep in a concrete box,” he said with a small smile. You felt something swell in your chest at the small expression and pushed it down just as fast as it had arrived. 

“Right,” you said, unsure of what else to say. The night before, you had told him that you wanted to speak to the council in hopes of letting him out of his cell more. However, now, your thoughts were going the extra mile.

Ridiculous scenarios were flying across your mind, ones that involved Negan staying more than just the two days and you had to block those out immediately. You were letting yourself become too comfortable with the arrangement. You went to say something when Negan leaned back and pulled something from under your pillow. It was one of your smaller knives. 

“Planning on fighting off bed bugs?” he asked and you took the blade from him sheepishly. 

“Force of habit,” you admitted. 

“So, not because of me, then?” he asked and you realized he was being completely serious. 

“No,” you whispered, “not because of you.” At that moment, you were suddenly _very_ aware that Negan was in your bedroom, in the dark, and sitting _very_ close to you.

You swallowed thickly, unable to deny the tension that had been created by the very simple circumstances. Negan furrowed his brow as he looked at you, but before he could say whatever was on his mind, the walkie by your bed crackled to life. 

_“(Y/N), you there?”_ Gabriel’s voice said, breaking the tension. Leaning over, you answered the Father. Negan leaned away again.

“Yeah, Gabe,” you answered. “Everything okay?”

_“Yeah, we’re good on our end. How’s it going on over there? Wall still holding? Any issues?”_

“Still locked uptight, as for the wall…,” you said as you climbed out of bed and walked to the window that gave you a great vantage of the surrounding wall. Peering out into the darkness, you were satisfied with what you saw. “Wall is good here, too.” 

_“Alright, let me know if that changes,”_ Gabriel said. 

“Will do, over,” you said. 

_“Over and out.”_ The radio went silent and you dropped it down onto the window seat. In the reflection of the window, you saw Negan stand and make his way to the door. The next words were out of your mouth before you could stop them. 

“Wait,” you called and he froze before turning on his heel. “I, uh, want to tell you something,” you began. Negan waited. “You said that I keep bringing up all the screwed up things that you’ve done, but never any of my own.”

“Yeah,” Negan said, his hands going into his pockets as he watched you. 

“Well, nobody knows this, though, Carl knew but…” Negan took a step towards you. 

“You don’t have to tell me,” he offered, but you shook your head. 

“No, I do. I want to. Besides, I shouldn’t be the only one who gets to judge,” you said with a small smile. Negan grimaced but motioned that you should continue. “Alright, uh, after we first took on the Governor, he took off and nobody knew where he went. However, Michonne, Daryl, and I... we went looking.

“Michonne would be gone for days at a time, but she always brought something back for Carl. Comic books, a new knife, maybe some new shoes. However, she never did find the man. Daryl looked, but eventually, even he couldn’t keep chasing a ghost. Rick was fairly sure we had seen the last of the Governor, but I had no intention of dropping my guard. We had fought too hard to find the prison and keep it and I wasn’t going to let some halfwit asshole take it from us.”

“So, you kept looking,” Negan said as he leaned against the wall by the window you stood in front of, listening closely. 

“Yeah,” you said, “but what I found _wasn’t_ the Governor, it was one of his men. I nearly shot him right then, but then I remembered that we needed answers. I recognized him as one of the men who worked with the Walkers that the Governor kept. He had known Merle and I’m pretty sure he didn’t do anything to stop the son of a bitch from killing Daryl’s brother.”

You paused, trying to focus on the details and not expose what you were feeling to the man next to you. The walls that you usually had up around yourself had been slowly chipping away since Rick’s death, but since you started meeting with Negan, they seemed to be crumbling more and more. Still, Negan didn’t rush you. 

“I set up a snare that Daryl had taught me. One that was big enough to trap a Walker. The man, his name was Lee, fell right into it and I grabbed him. There was an old cabin not far from the prison and I walked him there, a gun pressed to his skull. I tied him up and…” you nearly choked as you forced the words out. 

“(Y/N),” Negan said, “I think we both know that you are the lesser of two evils in this situation.”

That got a small smile from you, but you knew what he was doing. Negan was trying to keep you distracted. He didn’t think you needed to tell him any of this, but you did. In some ways, you knew that he was one of the only people still around that would understand. 

“I tortured him for three days,” you finally said. You waited for a look of disgust or a sigh, but Negan remained the same. Patient and attentive. “At first, I didn’t know what I was doing. I had seen Daryl do it once before when we were on Maggie’s farm and I had a decent understanding of the human body. Walkers were easy to…take care of. Walkers didn’t scream when you shoved a blade against their arm.”

A short laugh echoed from you as you watched the wind outside your home. Back then, you had felt like ivory, slowly cracking from the weight of the world, but now it felt as if steel was slowly filling in those fissures. You weren’t sure if anyone else could see it, but you had a feeling that Rick had begun too, especially when he first put a sniper rifle in your hands. 

“I never did find the Governor,” you said, “I waited three days full of yelling and blood, but Lee never cracked. Now I realize that maybe he didn’t know anything after all, but I wasn’t thinking clearly back then. Do you know what the worst part is?” 

“What?” Negan asked. 

“I never felt bad about what I did to him,” you whispered. “Not then and not now.”

“I thought you said that the first time you killed someone was _after_ the prison fell,” Negan said, remembering one of your first conversations in his cell. 

“I didn’t kill him,” you clarified. “He escaped, but he was pretty messed up. I managed to track him down and when I did, he was already a Walker. There was a large bite on the inside of his arm. I guess they had followed the scent of the blood and he was too weak to fight them off.” 

You could still remember the look in Lee’s clouded eyes as he stumbled toward you. This time, you hadn’t hesitated, taking him down with a single shot to the head. Leaving him in the middle of the street, you trekked back to the prison and that was when Carl had approached you, telling you that he knew why you were leaving the gates early in the morning. 

You never found out how he knew what you were doing. The kid had been incredibly insightful. You missed him every day. 

“I had to do _something_ ,” you continued. “After what the Governor had done to my people, to Merle, to Michonne, to _Maggie_ …”

“You were protecting your people, your family,” Negan rationalized.

“It was unnecessary,” you said. 

“Was it? Because after what you told me about who this _prick_ was…” Negan sighed as he stepped closer to you. You didn’t move as he stood beside you, looking at you in the dark. 

“The things I did…” you said, shaking your head. “It’s not remorse I feel, it’s more like I’m surprised I was even _capable_ of something like that.”

“We’re all capable of many things,” he rationalized. 

“Perhaps that was my tipping point into who I am now. The beginning of all the blood on my hands,” you whispered, staring down at your palms. The vulnerability you felt right then was almost too much. Standing there in your room with Negan didn’t feel as if you were in an apocalypse. It felt normal and that was terrifying. 

Your hands clenched into fists, but then Negan’s rested gently on your wrist and your fingers relaxed. “Don’t think about it,” he said softly. “That was then, this is now. Things change, (Y/N). _People_ change.” You knew he wasn’t just talking about you, but himself. 

He was right and at that moment, you finally saw it. There had been hints here and there about the new man that Negan had become, but now it was very apparent. The killer, the showman, all of it, it was still there somewhere, but now there was something else, something new. 

“Yeah,” you whispered, looking up at him, “yeah, they do.” Negan was looking at you and his eyes flickered down for just a second before they returned to your eyes. His hand was still on yours and his touch felt heavy and almost as electric as the lightning outside. 

You felt yourself gravitating towards him when a large crash came from downstairs.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part eight! I feel like this is more of a part 2 to session 7, but here ya go!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: None
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Warriors” by Imagine Dragons
> 
> Note: Thank you all for the love on this series. Ya’ll make me so damn happy

You didn’t hesitate to go for your weapons. 

“The _hell_ was that?” Negan asked, watching as you pulled your boots on in a hurry. 

“Whatever it was, it wasn’t good,” you said and then placed your knife between your teeth as you finished your laces. Grabbing the radio, you slid it onto your belt and ran for the stairs. Negan was behind you, keeping close just in case. When you arrived at the back of the house, you discovered the source of the crash. Your window was shattered as a tree branch had broken through.

“Uh, (Y/N),” Negan said as you frowned at the mess you were going to have to clean up. 

“What?” you asked, going over to where Negan stood by your back door. Through the glass pane, you finally saw what had him so concerned. 

A large tree had been uprooted from the wind and had crashed down between your house and Rosita’s, taking a portion of the wall down with it.

 _“Shit!”_ you yelled as you saw the first Walker stumble through the gap. 

Running outside, you didn’t hesitate to grab the first Walker that tried to reach its mangled arms towards you. Grabbing it by its neck, you plunged your knife into its skull. It dropped at your feet just as Rosita came running from her house. 

“(Y/N)!” Rosita yelled and then suddenly you were pulled back by your arm as a Walker went for your throat. Negan had pulled you back and you were able to shove your knife into the Walker’s eye. Negan checked in on you, looking you over, but you just waved him off. 

“I’m fine,” you told him as you grimaced at the mess the storm had created. “Now would be a _really_ good time for a damn rifle,” you said. 

“Now would _also_ be a really good time to give me a knife,” Negan said and you shook your head. 

“No, not a good idea,” you said and he rolled his eyes. 

“Right, so I am just supposed to wait inside like a _good little boy_ while you fight Walkers? Yeah, not happening,” Negan said. He was challenging you which he hadn’t done before. Not like this at least. There was a shred of the former leader in his eyes and it had you thinking about all the things that could go wrong with his request.

One on hand, nobody would like that the man would be wielding a weapon. However, on the other hand, what would it look like if he just stood by while Walkers invaded Alexandria? You glanced over at Rosita who was stabbing a Walker in the head before groaning and jogging up your steps. 

Negan lingered in the doorway of the backdoor as you ran to the drawer by your fridge and pulled out a long hunting knife. One very similar to the one Negan used to carry. You walked over to him and pressed the blade into his hands. 

“You stay by my side the entire time and try not to injure or kill anything but Walkers. Especially the people who hate you.” Negan took the knife, balancing it in his hands before smiling. 

“I will do my best,” he promised. With another sigh, you pushed past him and went back into the fray. More Walkers stumbled through the wide gap and together, you and Negan began taking them down. Rosita soon joined you, not commentating on Negan wielding a blade, which you were grateful for. Even though she hated the man, she knew that in situations like this, it was all hands on deck. 

More trees began to crack in the woods behind the community and you were worried that they would be coming down as well. One gap could be controlled, but multiple? That would be a nightmare that would take hours to control. With the storm, it was already difficult enough. 

You spun around as two Walkers came behind you and stabbed each one before they could dig their hands into your flesh. Rosita cut the legs of one that went for Negan and he finished it with a quick jab, kicking it away.

As more of the Dead pushed in, the others arrived, finally getting the calls you and Rosita were putting out. Gabriel, who had been on watch in a house near the front gate, came running with his shotgun in his hand. Using it as a club, he swung it up, cracking the closest Walker to Rosita, taking it down quickly. 

The wind was making everything too loud and the muddy ground was not helping to keep you and the others on your feet. Turning, you found that Negan was gone from your side, his large form disappearing into a swarm of Walkers. You didn’t have time to go to him before a rotting body crashed into you, taking you to the soaked ground.

Your blade flew from your hand as the Walker struggled to sink its teeth into your neck. You tried to push it off, but the creature was soaked in both blood and rainwater, making it impossible to get a firm grip. Just as it moved closer, two large hands grabbed it by its shoulders and pulled it off of you. 

You rolled over, coughing at the pungent smell and checking your arms for scratches and the like. Looking up through the roaring wind, you yelled as Negan struggled with the Walker he had rescued you from. It pinned him against the side of the house. He dropped his knife in order to use his full strength. 

“Negan!” you yelled, but the wind silenced your scream.

Suddenly, just as the Walker was about to tear out Negan’s throat, a katana blade entered the side of the corpse’s head. Michonne pulled her sword free as the Walker dropped at Negan’s feet. He let out a breath as he slumped against the wall. 

“Thanks,” he said and she flicked the dark blood from her blade. Michonne then noticed the knife on the ground and bent to pick it up. Negan watched cautiously, afraid of what she was going to do with it. However, instead, Michonne just silently handed the knife back to Negan who took it without a word. 

You watched the exchange as Aaron ran to your side and helped you to your feet out of the mud. It was then that Scott finally arrived with others as they hauled chain-link towards the gap. You and the others had managed to salvage the fencing from the Sanctuary when it had gone under. You were now very grateful for it. 

As Michonne ran to go help with the fence, you noticed that Aaron was glaring at Negan and the weapon he once again held. Negan began walking towards you when Aaron got into his face. 

“Stop,” you warned, getting in between the two men. 

“You gave him a weapon?” Aaron asked you, stunned. 

“What was he supposed to do? Use his hands?” you asked, pushing him back slightly. 

“We don’t need his help,” Aaron snapped, gesturing to Negan who stood behind you, staring down the shorter man. 

“Oh for the love of God, Aaron,” you sighed. _“Grow up.”_

“(Y/N),” Negan warned, not wanting you to start anything.

“No,” you said, “I’m _sick_ of this! _Walkers_ are the problem tonight, not people. When it comes to Walkers, it’s _us_ against _them_. Yeah, I gave him a knife, but I am so sorry that it annoys you s _o much!_ Here,” you said taking the knife from Negan who willingly let you grab it from his hands, “happy now?” 

Shoving past Aaron, you stalked off. Negan glared at Aaron once more before following after you. Rosita stepped up next to Aaron as the two of you made your way back over to the fence where Negan held it as Gabriel began fastening it to the remaining wall, staying useful. Gabriel didn’t seem to mind. 

“Nobody would care if he died,” Aaron said to his friend, but Rosita wasn’t seeing what he was. 

“I’m not so sure about that,” she said as she watched you stand watch over Negan in case you had missed any Walkers. Though, Rosita was almost positive that you were also wary of the human threat towards Negan rather than just the Dead. She prayed that you knew what the hell you were doing. 

* * *

Everyone, including Negan, worked well into the night. 

Michonne must have said something because nobody commentated on the fact that Negan was pitching in. Though, you figured that they were just glad to not see a blade in his hands anymore. You kept the hunting blade in your boot in case he needed it again, but with the chain-link now in place, no more Walkers were going to get in.

At least not on your watch. 

It took many hours, but eventually, you and the others were able to cut apart the tree that lay in the way of the wall and haul the pieces away. Mostly that task was left up to Scott, Negan, Siddiq, and Michonne who were able to lift the pieces together.

You were helping with body clean-up and checking the rest of the wall. You had just done a full perimeter walk when you saw a familiar pair of little cowboy boots running along the grass. With a frustrated sigh, you followed the sound of Judith’s steps. You knew that she wasn’t supposed to be out in the storm.

Running after her, you lost her between the houses. Eventually, you gave up on the chase and just ran back to the main site, knowing that is where she was going. Most likely to convince her mother to let her help. Always her father’s child, you thought. 

Although, something went wrong almost as soon as Judith Grimes ran towards Michonne. “Mom!” Judith called. Michonne whirled towards her daughter just as a large bough from an above tree cracked from the wind and crashed towards the ground. 

Right where Judith was standing. 

_“Judith!”_ you screamed, but you were too far away. Michonne screamed as the tree fell to the ground. However, in the dark, you saw a very large shape run across the grass as the large branch crashed into the ground, sending debris flying in all directions. 

It was silent and nobody moved until everything had settled. Then, Michonne was running towards where her daughter was just standing. You followed her, leaping over pieces of both tree and Walker.

Michonne stopped just before the broken bough and let out a cry of relief as she looked before her. On the ground, safe from harm, was Judith, and the large arms that had pulled her to safely belonged to none other than Negan himself. 

Judith was clinging to Negan, her form shaking slightly. As soon as Negan realized they were in the clear, he began detangling her from his shirt.

“You’re alright, kid,” he said as he pushed her away from him. Michonne jumped over the branch and slid to Negan and Judith’s side.

“Judith,” Michonne breathe and then Negan was pushing the kid towards her mom. Judith threw her arms around her mother, clinging tight. Negan met your eyes and you gave him a relieved smile. He almost mirrored it when Michonne got his attention. “Thank you,” she told him and it was probably the most sincere thing she had ever said to him.

Negan nodded to her and then went to get up. However, he didn’t get very far. Negan let out a pained groan that had Judith turning to him with worried eyes. 

“Negan?” she asked and you too were concerned then. Slowly, Negan lifted his shirt and swore. Just above his right hip was a piece of wood jutting from his skin. 

“Oh, perfect,” he said, falling back to the ground with a huff. Michonne held Judith back as you called for Siddiq. Getting to his side, you knelt down with a frown. 

“When I said not to injure anyone, that included you too, dumbass,” you chastised as you examined the wound. “At least it’s not a bite.” 

“Nah, instead I get my ass handed to me by a damn tree,” he said, cringing as you put pressure on the wound. 

“Don’t be so dramatic,” you said, but inside, you were slowly starting to freak out. There did seem to be a lot of blood. Siddiq was there quickly and the two of you managed to get Negan on his feet. Michonne held Judith close to her side as you and the doctor hauled Negan back to your house. 

He was stumbling slightly and you could already tell the pain was getting to him. Judith followed after, her face filled with worry. You tried to offer her a smile, but then Negan’s head dropped and you and Siddiq had to focus to keep him upright. 

Dragging him up the back staircase, Rosita opened the door for the three of you, Siddiq grunting a “thank you” in response. “Toss him on the couch,” you said. 

_“Toss?”_ Negan scoffed. 

_“Gently_ toss,” you corrected and Negan grunted again. Setting him down on the sofa, Siddiq grabbed a lantern and got a closer look at the wound. You stood over them, watching and hoping he wasn’t going to bleed out in your living room. 

Not like this, was all you could think about. 

If Negan died because he was saving a kid, you would never hear the end of it. Though, you weren’t sure what the reaction would be. Sure, Michonne would be grateful for what he had done, and when word got to Daryl he would probably be too. Although, not many would care that the man was dead. Maybe Laura would have some empathy and of course, Judith would miss her friend, but you didn’t think he’d get much of a funeral. Not many cared. 

Well, except for you.

“It looks shallow,” Siddiq said, “it’ll leave a nasty scar, but you should be just fine.”

“Wonderful,” Negan said as his head hit the back of the couch with a sigh. Seeing him like this, so vulnerable felt odd. He was once again at the mercy of Alexandria’s makeshift healthcare. However this time, it wasn’t their fault that he had been injured. This time, he had saved someone rather than Rick choosing to save _him_. 

Thinking back to what had transpired in your room, you tried to shake out the feelings that had risen. You were struggling with understanding what they all meant. You didn’t want to have _any_ kind of feelings or thoughts towards the man who had once laughed as he killed two people you loved dearly. That was never the plan, and yet…

Negan looked at you in the low light and you could see that he was in pain. It was then that you realized he had almost died _twice_ tonight and it was both when he was saving people. First you and then Judith Grimes. You were now certain than the man before you would do it again, save someone, even if it meant he would die in the process. While you liked the new Negan, that fact alone scared you. 

You had lost too many people already and you weren’t ready to lose him. Not now and not ever. At that moment, you felt a need to run and so that’s what you did.

“I’m going to go see if they need more help. Are you good here?” you asked the doctor. Siddiq nodded and then you turned to go. 

“(Y/N),” Negan said, stopping you. 

“I’ll be back,” you assured him. “Doc here isn’t gonna kill you. That would be too boring,” you joked, trying to lighten the awkwardness. 

“Asshole,” Negan said with a small smile. You gave him a quick wink before heading towards your back door again. As soon as the latch closed, Siddiq smirked. “Somethin’ funny?” Negan asked Siddiq who just shrugged. 

“It’s just…the two of you,” Siddiq said.

“What about us?” Negan asked. 

“Nothing,” Siddiq said, “I just hadn’t realized how much you two were alike.”

Siddiq then got up to grab the medical kit you kept in your kitchen. Negan mulled over his words as he stared at where you had disappeared moments before. He sighed deeply, not feeling the physical pain as much as the turmoil that turned in his chest. Siddiq was right as he usually was. You and Negan were very much alike. 

Negan had seen it too.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part nine! Negan and the Reader are a bit separate in this but both of them have some things to think through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Waiting Game” by Parson James
> 
> Note: Sorry for the delay on this one. I have part 10 planned too but election has me STRESSED. coming soon!

Sitting on your front steps, you watched as RJ ran after Gracie, the two of them splashing in the many puddles leftover from the storm. 

After the wall had come down, it had soured everyone’s mood. However, while the Walkers were an annoyance, nobody had died and nobody was hurt. 

Well, except for Negan.

Negan was still in your guest room, recovering from the injury he had sustained when saving young Judith’s life. Nobody argued when Siddiq said that he needed Negan to stay and not to move. You didn’t know if that was because he didn’t want Negan to rip his stitches or because the good Doctor was giving the man a bit of leeway because of his heroics. 

Either way, you were keeping your distance. 

You hadn’t spoken to Negan since that night. Whenever he was asleep, you peeked your head in the room to make sure he was still breathing, but other than that, you couldn’t bring yourself to go and see him. You were overwhelmed with the feelings that had grown since Michonne had first asked you to speak to him. 

As your thoughts kept drifting back to Negan in the house behind you, Michonne came walking up the street towards you. Her katana was strapped to her back and she had that look that said she wanted something. 

“Looks like the temporary wall is going to hold while Eugene preps the replacement piece,” Michonne said as she stopped in front of you. Looking up, you leaned back into the steps, waiting. “Right, you’re not really one for small talk.”

“Not really, no,” you admitted. “What do you need?” 

“I need you to go on a run,” Michonne said, sitting into her left hip. Hesitating, you chewed on the inside of your cheek. 

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea right now,” you said as you got to your feet, keeping the path to the front door blocked. You didn’t think Michonne would try to go inside, but the timing was a bit odd. It also seemed as if it was becoming second nature for you to protect Negan. “I’m not comfortable with leaving Negan here with all the tension from the other night.” 

“You mean because of what Aaron said,” Michonne said, already knowing where your head was at. 

“Can you blame me?”

“No, but Gabriel and Siddiq are still here, and regardless of what we all think about Negan, they’re not going to let Aaron kill him,” Michonne said with a hint of amusement, but you weren’t laughing. She picked up on that quickly. “Please, (Y/N), I need you to go look for some more material for the wall. Fasteners, bolts, all that stuff. Take Laura with you.” 

It was a rare moment when Michonne said please. For the past couple of years since Rick died, you had slowly become a person that she trusted when it came to the security of Alexandria. Michonne relied on you and she tended to let you do whatever you wanted. Besides asking you to look in on their prisoner, she didn’t ask much. You figured now was as good a time as any to do this for her, especially if it meant getting a break from the man inside your house. 

“Alright, I just have to grab a few things. You mind askin’ Laura to meet me by the main gate?” 

“Already did,” Michonne said with a wink as she turned away. 

“Of course you did!” you called and then she was laughing as she ran after her son who began calling her over. 

When you entered your house, you went right up to your bedroom, not even glancing at the closed door of the guest room. Gearing up quickly, you began to get a little excited. As much as you loved Alexandria, going outside of the walls was _liberating_. There were days that you missed when the group was on the road, fighting everything that dared to challenge you. It was odd, but sometimes you needed a little fear and adrenaline to make yourself feel alive again. 

Once you had secured all your weapons and laced up your boots, you pulled on your jacket and jogged downstairs. It took you another minute before you pushed yourself towards the closed door. Knocking lightly, you pushed open the door and were met with the curious eyes of Negan. 

“You do realize that this is _your_ house, right? You don’t have to knock,” Negan said as you stepped towards the bed he lay in. He was shirtless and the large bandage on his side was flecked with blood from when Siddiq had changed it earlier in the day. You tried to keep your eyes on his as you stopped a few feet away from him. 

“Force of habit,” you said with a shrug. “How are you feelin’?”

“Right as rain, Chief. Doc says I’ll be back in the dog house by tomorrow,” Negan joked.

“Well, I just came to tell you that Michonne wants me to go on a run so Laura and I are heading out,” you explained. 

“Just the two of you?” he asked, his brow slightly furrowed. 

“We’ll be fine. Laura is one of our best fighters as you well know,” you said. 

“Oh, I do. I also know that she _loves_ to flirt so keep an eye on her,” Negan said with a coy smile and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” you said and then shifted on your feet, trying not to get stuck in the awkwardness. “I’m assigning Judith as your bodyguard so be nice to her.”

“I’m always nice, especially to a Grimes,” Negan said and you raised a brow at him. “Well, to the Grimes _children_.” 

“Right, well _this_ Grimes is going to make sure that Aaron keeps his distance until I get back.”

“I’m not afraid of Aaron,” Negan said with a snort. 

“You should be,” you said, moving closer to him. He watched your movements as you sank onto the mattress next to him.

“Is that concern I hear, (Y/N)?” he asked, tilting his head slightly. 

“Don’t get used to it,” you joked, relaxing a bit. Negan reached over at flicked the strap of your canteen that was slung over your shoulder. 

“Why not?” he asked softly, his eyes boring into yours. Your throat suddenly felt very dry. His hand slowly moved towards yours and before he could touch your skin, you were back on your feet, backing away. “(Y/N)…” he began, trying to form words. 

“No,” you cut him off, “no, I just need to think. Look, I’ll be back within a day or so, but we should still be available through radio. I’ll check in with Judith.” You gave him one last look, unable to say anything else. Turning around, you headed for the door, and just before you closed it, you heard him speak. 

“Be safe.” With a lump forming in your throat, you let the door close behind you and went to meet Laura, needing to get some much-needed space.

* * *

It wasn’t long after you left, that Judith showed up at the house looking for Negan. 

She had waited until Siddiq had left before entering through the back door and skipping towards the guest room. She didn’t bother knocking as she pushed open the door and peeked in. “Can I come in?” she asked. 

“I don’t know, did you bring me something?” Negan asked. Judith then produced an apple from her jacket pocket and Negan laughed. “I _was_ joking, but I will gladly accept it.” Judith grinned as she walked over and hopped up onto the bed in the same spot you had been sitting in before. She handed him the apple in which he rolled around in his hands. “Does you’re mom know you’re here?”

“Maybe…” Judith said and Negan chuckled. Then, Judith became a bit solemn. “I’m sorry that you got hurt.” Negan’s brow furrowed. 

“I’m not. This is _nothing_ compared to what would have happened if that branch had hit you. Don’t be sorry, Judith,” he told her.

“If I had just _stayed_ in the house then you wouldn’t have had to save me,” she said, but Negan was shaking his head. 

“Stop it. This was _not_ your fault, Judith. You were in trouble and I didn’t want anything to happen to you and I would do it again, no hesitation. Okay?” Judith nodded, her hat sliding down her forehead a bit. Negan reached out and righted it before it could cover her eyes. 

“Okay,” she said. “Thank you.” 

“Anytime, kiddo,” Negan said with a smile and then Judith was smiling back, but there was a bit of mischief in those brown eyes of hers. “What?” he asked, trying to get a read on her. 

“(Y/N) likes you,” she said and Negan didn’t think kids could master shit-eating grins, but someone Judith was doing it perfectly.

“Shut up,” he teased and then, “What do you know?”

“I know a lot!” Judith scoffed. “I’m a kid so nobody thinks I care when they talk. I’ve heard Siddiq and Rosita talking and they talk about how (Y/N) acts with you and how they act when you’re around.”

“And how do they act?” Negan asked, exasperated. 

“Like they used to before my dad died,” Judith whispered. “Happy.” Negan froze at her words, not expecting to hear any of that. “Daryl always used to say that (Y/N) always looked like they were waiting for something. Maybe they were waiting for you.” 

Negan turned his eyes back towards the ceiling, letting Judith’s declaration wash over him. He couldn’t stop thinking about how you had nearly run away from him earlier. Then with what Siddiq had told him when he was bleeding on your couch, you had been on his mind nonstop. He thought he had seen _something_ in your eyes that night in your room, but he began doubting himself, thinking he was just reading into things. However, now with what Judith was saying, he wasn’t sure _what_ to think. The only thing he _was_ sure about was that he needed to see you and he wasn’t the praying kind, but if it would get you back to him safely, that was what he was going to do.

* * *

You and Laura were now in the second warehouse of your run. 

The first one had been a bust and so you had to go out farther than you had anticipated. Sleeping in an old antique shop for the night, you didn’t end up getting much sleep. Laura walked along the aisle adjacent to you, her eyes scanning for everything you needed. You were looking as well, but your mind was still back in Alexandria.

The apparent hurt on Negan’s face when you had backed away from him was haunting you. Any time you closed your eyes you saw his face. Laura had been quiet since you two headed out, but now it seemed that she was starting to get restless. 

As you rounded the corner of the aisle, Laura met you, her hands resting on her hips. “What?” you asked, narrowing your eyes. 

“What’s going on with you and Negan?” she asked. 

_“Subtle,”_ you said with a roll of your eyes as you pushed past her, going over to an old workbench. 

“Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, (Y/N),” she said. 

“I’m not talking about this,” you said, shoving tools and washers into your pack. 

“I’m just saying…” Laura said, hopping up onto the bench. “It has been a while since he’s been with someone.”

“He’s been locked up, Laura,” you reminded her. “I’m not sure he had much of a choice.” Laura pursed her lips as she was thinking. You liked the former Savior a lot. She, along with Alden, had integrated into the group seamlessly. Laura had joined Alexandria after everything had gone down and Eugene had vouched for her immediately. She was a good person and someone you considered to be a good friend. 

Laura also never sugar-coated anything and that usually was a good thing, until now. “Why are you bringing this up?” you asked her, stopping what you were doing. 

“Look, we all have our own opinions on the guy, but he was never cruel to me. He treated me well enough and I for one, think he deserves a little bit of redemption.” 

“I didn’t say he didn’t,” you pointed out, “but I am not sure how that relates to me.” Laura groaned, throwing her hands up. 

“You don’t see it, do you? (Y/N), I _remember_ how he was with his wives, he was _never_ happy. Hell, he had someone to warm his bed whenever he wanted, he had endless companionship, but it was never enough. Do you wanna know the only time I ever saw him truly happy?”

“When he was killing people?” you asked, already wanting to drop the subject. 

“When he would talk about Lucille,” Laura corrected. 

“His wife?” you asked, knowing damn well, she didn’t mean the damn bat. 

“It was rare when he did it and god forbid anyone who brought her up on their own, but I’ve seen it. When he talked about her, his Lucille, he would get this _light_ in his eyes. For just a second, Negan would look like he wasn’t the monster everyone knew, but just a man who loved and missed his wife. I’ve seen that look again recently when he was talking to you.” 

“What are you getting at?” you asked, trying not to overthink her words. 

“Maybe this professional relationship Michonne and Gabriel set up is more beneficial than you first thought,” she offered. 

“He killed my people,” you said, trying to make an argument. 

“We killed each other’s people, (Y/N). It’s the Apocalypse baby, get over it,” she said with a wink and a flick of her blonde hair. 

“You may be the only one with that mindset, Laura,” you whispered. Laura gave you a look, leaning back on her hands. 

“Am I?”

* * *

When the door to the guest room opened again, Negan expected it to be Judith and not her mother. 

“Well aren’t I incredibly popular lately,” Negan greeted as he sat up. He was clear to be locked up again the next day and while he was glad to not be stuck in a bed for much longer, the cell was the _last_ place he wanted to be. 

“Must be a good boost for your damaged ego,” Michonne said with a sigh. 

“Oh, trust me, Michonne, my ego has never been more intact,” he said with a grin and Michonne rolled her eyes, but there was a hint of a smile.

“You saved my daughter and no matter what our history is, I’ll always be grateful for that,” Michonne told him. He nodded at her. She had already thanked him, but he was still happy to hear it even if it wasn’t necessary at this point. 

“I don’t like seeing kids get hurt,” Negan explained. Michonne dropped her arms and nodded. 

“I know. That much I can see about you,” she admitted and Negan smiled slightly. 

“I knew there would be at least _one_ thing you could tolerate about me,” he said. 

“Don’t push it,” she warned. 

_“Yes Ma’am,”_ he teased. Michonne was about to say something but then her daughter came running into the room. Negan hadn’t even known that Judith was in the house.

“(Y/N)’s back!” Judith announced. “ _Laura_ and (Y/N), I mean,” she corrected with a grin at Negan who mirrored her expression. 

“The two of you scare me,” Michonne said and then just walked away from the room as Judith and Negan began chuckling. 

When you got home, all you wanted to do was take a shower, but based on the way Judith smiled at you as you walked up the stairs, you headed for the guest room first.

The door was open this time and so you just leaned in the doorway, watching as Negan gazed out the window. It was good to see him on his feet again. 

“Hey,” you said, gaining his attention. Negan turned to look at you and then his eyes were full of worry as he took you in. You knew what he was seeing. You were covered in blood, courtesy of a small herd that had cornered you and Laura on the way home. Unfortunately, Alexandria was now missing another horse. 

“What happened? Did you run into a cherry pie eating contest?” He asked, crossing his arms. 

“Yup,” you said, “Won first prize too. Though, I did have to use the trophy to bash in some heads on my way back.”

“Hilarious,” Negan deadpanned. 

“How are you doing?” you asked. 

“Just fine. I’ll be back in the cell tomorrow. I guess this is my last night of freedom for a while,” said Negan. 

“I’m still going to talk to Michonne and Gabriel about more time outside. Still supervised, of course,” you said. Negan took a few steps towards you and was happy to see that you didn’t retreat this time. 

“Just as long as _you’re_ the one doin’ the supervising,” he said with a grin. You couldn’t help but smile back. You also couldn’t help but look him in the eye, trying to see that spark Laura was telling you about. So far, you weren’t sure what you were looking for. 

“Alright,” you said, finally noticing just how covered in Walker blood you were, “you should get some sleep. I need a shower and you need to heal.” This time when you turned to leave, Negan bolted forward and grabbed your hand, halting you. 

“Wait,” he said and you looked at him, your grip tightening in his. 

“What?” you asked carefully. 

“Thank you,” was all Negan said. 

“For what?” you asked. He reached up and brushed a stray eyelash from your cheek before letting his hand drop back to his side. 

“For not treating me like a monster and instead, treating me like man,” he whispered and it was then that you saw something in those beautiful eyes of his. It made your heart skip. 

“Get some sleep, Negan,” you said and then squeezed his hand before pulling away and walking up to your room. As soon as the door closed and you were alone, you slid to the floor. _“Fuck.”_


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 10! This one is important ya’ll. This may be my favourite so far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing. 
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “The Wire” by Haim
> 
> Note: This may be my favourite so far.

You never did understand why some Walkers’ heads were harder than others.

With a hard pull, you wrenched your blade from the Dead woman’s head at your feet, flicking the blood off with disgust. You and Rosita were currently working to take out a small group of Walkers that had converged outside the West Wall.

When Gabriel had asked for volunteers you had agreed to go almost immediately. You needed anything to keep your mind busy and bashing in heads seemed like a good way to start.

Negan was finally back in his cell much to his disapproval. Siddiq had cleared him and then you had helped him back to his cage, shutting the door behind him. You couldn’t forget the look on his face as you closed the door and locked it. 

He had leaned against the bars, once again separated from you. He had then reached through them and knocked his fingers under your chin, telling you to smile. You had given in to his request and then left him to get some rest. 

That had been a week ago. 

You hadn’t been to see him since that day and you knew why, but you kept telling yourself it was because you were busy. However, you also knew that you were the one making yourself that way and that your friends had noticed. 

“What’s wrong?” Rosita asked as she kicked away another Walker that reached for her long hair. 

“I just haven’t been sleeping,” you said with a shrug that was then followed by a yawn, only proving your point. Rosita knifed another Walker before approaching you with a smirk. 

“Missin’ your bed buddy?” she teased. 

“You’re not as funny as you think, Ro,” you said, sidestepping a Walker so it tripped over another that was already on the ground. You were well aware that your friends had noticed the way you and Negan had been during the night of the storm. 

“Sorry,” Rosita muttered, wiping her knife on the grass.

“It’s fine,” you said with a sigh. You were trying so hard not to let it all get to you. In fact, you were honestly surprised at how much the looks and subtle teasing affected you.

You could handle it when it came from Negan. Most of the relationship the two of you had built was based on the jabs you gave one another. Although, whenever Aaron or Michonne gave you a look or Rosita or Eugene made a comment, it felt as if you were slowly becoming a traitor. 

You had to keep telling yourself that nothing had happened between you and Negan. You weren’t trying to get him released or even attempting to help him escape. You had just connected with him in a way that _nobody_ had expected. Still, you couldn’t help but feel awkward around your family and friends whenever his name came up in conversation. 

Rosita and you worked for another hour or so before finally taking out the last straggler and calling it a day. The two of you walked back into Alexandria, both spent from fighting. As you passed the Grimes’ house, your eyes drifted to the small barred window at the base of the stairs and then quickly averted your eyes as Judith came jogging down the steps of her house. 

Her sword was slung on her back and her father’s gun was holstered on her belt. She grinned when she saw you. “Where are you goin’?” you asked, taking in her determined look. 

“I’m going out hunting with the others! They’re going to teach me a few things,” Judith explained with an eager grin on her face. 

“Well, you be careful, alright? I don’t want to have to hunt you down myself to get you back home in one piece.” 

“I will!” Judith sang as she skipped down towards the main gate where you saw Aaron and Laura waiting for her.

Without looking back towards his cell, you turned and walked back towards your house, begging for your mind to shut him out, even for just a little bit. 

After a quick shower, you headed into your garage. It had become a sort of Alexandrian museum. You had collected things from the first day you and the others had step foot into the Safe Zone. There were still items from Deanna’s office, Denise’s medical journals, and even an old toy you had found in Sam’s room after he died. You didn’t know why you kept all of it, but it felt wrong to get rid of anything that would tell people that you all were once there. 

As you looked through the many shelves, your eyes caught a small tool hidden behind a stack of old broken cassette tapes. Picking up the old screwdriver, you smiled softly to yourself. It was one of Daryl’s, something he always used when working on the bike Aaron had given him. Your thumb rubbed at the chipping plastic on the handle and felt the hole in your chest open. The one that had formed the day Daryl had left in hopes of finding Rick. 

You understood, everyone did, but it didn’t mean that you didn’t miss your friend like crazy. Daryl was someone that could always keep your head on straight. He was also one of the only people to never sugar coat things for you. If you fucked up, he would tell you immediately and you had always appreciated that about him. 

You were so caught up in your memories that you didn’t hear the knock that came on the side of your open garage door. “(Y/N)?” a voice said, causing you to jump. It was Gabriel. 

“Oh, hey,” you said, trying to level your breathing. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said with a sheepish smile. 

“No, it’s fine. I guess I was just lost in my head,” you explained. Gabriel approached you and then noticed what was in your hand. 

“That’s Daryl’s, isn’t it?” 

“Yeah, he kept a lot of things in my garage,” you said, placing the tool back down on the shelf as if it were made of glass. “I miss him,” you admitted. 

“I do too,” Gabriel said, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder. You gave him a small smile before he let go. “I was coming to see how you were doing.”

“Let me guess, Rosita spoke to you?” you asked, leaning against a dusty workbench. 

“She may have,” Gabriel said with a shrug, Rolling your eyes, you splayed your hands. 

“Alright then, Father, lay it on me,” you said.

“I’m not here to offer any sort of council, (Y/N),” he said, “I just wanted to know how things are going with Negan and if you have run into any problems.”

“Besides everyone looking at me like I’m going to build my _own_ Lucille and go after the next person that pisses me off?” 

“Nobody thinks that,” Gabriel said softly. 

“Seems like they do,” you muttered. 

“I _have_ noticed that the two of you are quite… _relaxed_ around one another.” 

“Wasn’t that the whole idea, Gabe?” you asked. “When you and Michonne asked me to become his therapist so to speak, you _wanted_ me to get closer to him. I thought the whole point was for me to make sure he wasn’t edging on becoming a total psychopath.”

“It was, in a way,” Gabriel said. 

“Then why does it feel like that isn’t what happened?”

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Always,” you said, crossing your arms. 

“When I asked Michonne to ask you to do this, it wasn’t _just_ Negan that I was thinking about,” he said slowly.

“What do you mean?” you asked, confused. 

“I saw you slipping, (Y/N). Whether you realized it or not, something had gone out in your eyes. I don’t know if it was losing Rick or Daryl being gone all the time, but from the moment I met you back in those woods, I saw a fire in your eyes, and then one day it was just snuffed out.”

“It’s the Apocalypse, Gabriel,” you reminded him, but he wasn’t done yet. 

“That doesn’t matter. Something had happened and so I thought that giving you something to focus on besides just keeping this place safe would help.”

“And so you thought to play matchmaker with me and public enemy numero uno?” Gabriel blinked at your choice of words and then smiled slightly. 

“I never said anything about you and Negan being romantically involved,” he said with a knowing look. You froze, your mouth slightly agape. 

“Well….it was…. _implied_ ,” you tried, but you could tell the Father wasn’t buying it. “I think.”

“(Y/N), I want you to know that I care about you and that when I asked you to do this, I didn’t mean for it make you uncomfortable or resentful in any way,” Gabriel said, trying to steer back the conversation. 

“Who said I was uncomfortable?” you asked. 

“You haven’t been to see Negan in a week,” Gabriel pointed out. 

_“Wow,_ Judith is a snitch just like her big brother,” you said with a deep sigh, causing Gabriel to smile.

“I’ve never met a Grimes who didn’t care about you.”

“Lucky me,” you muttered. 

“Yes, you _are_ lucky. And do you know why?” 

“No, but I am sure that you are about to tell me,” you said.

“You have a _gift_ for seeing people for more than they are. You saw me more clearly than anyone else did when we met. You were also one of the first people to trust Aaron and this place. I believe that was why Rick gave you the role that he did. You were always able to see what we couldn’t, especially through the scope of your rifle.”

“Why are you telling me all of this now?”

“Because I don’t want you to give up on Negan. Yes, he did some horrible things that nobody can forgive him for, but I see the potential he has as a person. Someday, I have a feeling we’re going to need him,” Gabriel admitted and you were then reminded why he was considered the voice of reason within all the communities. 

“I’ll try my best,” you said. “And while we are admitting things, I agree with you. I know everyone sees a monster when they look at him.”

“But you don’t,” Gabriel realized. 

_“I do_ , actually, but I’m not so sure that in this new world, being a monster is all that bad.” Gabriel considered your words before nodding thoughtfully. 

“Rick would be _incredibly_ proud of you, I hope you know that.” You couldn’t help the tears that swelled behind your eyes at that. 

“Thank you, Gabriel. That means more to me than anything in this world.” Gabriel slid next to you and gripped your hand in his. 

“Go see him, (Y/N). I think you both need it,” he said and you nodded. No matter what you were feeling, you knew he was right. Whether it was intentional or not, Negan was now _your person_ and you had to stop avoiding it.

* * *

Well, if it ain’t my favourite zookeeper,” Negan said as you pushed open the heavy door. 

“Hey, you,” you said, closing up behind you. Negan was standing at the bars, casually leaning against them. He must have heard you coming. “How are you doing?” you asked with a gesture towards his side. 

“I’m fine, (Y/N),” he assured you. “Though, I did miss ya and your famous stories.”

“Is that so?” you asked as you grabbed the chair from the corner and placed in front of the bars just as you had that first time you went to visit him. He remained standing as he looked down at you with those curious eyes of his. 

“It is,” he said, his fingers curling slowly around the bars. Your eyes followed the movement before they return to his face. 

“Sorry that I’ve been a bit M.I.A, I’ve just been…” you trailed off. 

“Busy?” he asked, but you could tell that he could see right through you. 

“Sort of,” you said. “I guess I’ve just had a lot going on up here,” you gestured to your head. “Kind of made me a bit neurotic.”

“You seem calm now,” he noticed. 

“ _‘Life finds a way’_ ,” you quoted. Negan chuckled.

“Did you just _Jurassic Park_ me?” 

“I did. What about it?” you challenged.

“Nothin’!” he exclaimed. “You just tend to quote more _refined_ authors is all.” 

“Spielberg is as refined as it gets, Negan,” you defended.

 _“Technically_ , you’re quoting Michael Crichton,” he said with a shrug.

“Who knew that Negan was such a literature snob?” you teased. 

_“I’m sorry,_ weren’t you a teacher?” he asked and you pursed your lips. 

“That was a whole other lifetime ago, my friend,” you said. Negan quirked a brow at your term of endearment but didn’t comment further. However, he did smile slightly and rested his forearms on the bars. “What? I can see those gears turning.”

“You have a nice voice,” Negan said nonchalantly and in your chest, your heart skipped. 

“Thank you,” you said as multiple scenarios entered your mind as he looked at you as if he may have been thinking the same thing. 

“Tell me something,” Negan requested. 

“What do you wanna hear?” you asked, leaning forward slightly. Negan thought for a moment before settling on his choice. 

“Tell me about the last time you were terrified,” he requested. All at once, hundreds of moments washed over you from since the start of the end of the world. However, when it came to the most recent one, only one moment came to mind. “(Y/N)?” he asked softly. 

“It was,” you paused, taking a shaky breath, not looking at him. “It was hearing Michonne scream as we watched Rick die on that bridge.” Negan was silent after your declaration and you couldn’t stop the tear that rolled down your face. You hastily scrubbed it from your cheek. 

“Shit, (Y/N), I’m sorry,” he said, and when you looked back up at him, you could see the sincerity in his eyes. “I didn’t mean for you to relive that.” 

“It’s okay,” you said, shaking your head. “You asked and I promised to always answer.”

“I never wanted him to die,” Negan said. “Maybe I thought sometimes… but in the end, I never wanted that. Especially not like that.” 

Nodding, you stood from your seat and approached him at the bars. “I know,” you whispered. Feeling a bit bold, your wrapped your hands around his through the bars and held onto them. He squeezed back, resting his forehead against the steel. 

“You know, sometimes I try to imagine what he would say if he was here,” you whispered. “Would be happy that Judith is training to kill Walkers? Would he be upset that we have cut off the other communities? I think he’d be disappointed if he knew what happened to us.”

“You didn’t fail him, (Y/N),” Negan said.

“It feels like I did,” you admitted. “He always trusted me to be his eye in the sky. He was our leader, but I was a protector and I’m scared Negan. I’m scared that I won’t be able to protect us.”

“From what? What do you think is coming?”

“Something _always_ happens. We think we’re safe one day and then a man shows up at our doorstep with a tank or when you think you found sanctuary and then they try to slaughter like you cattle.”

“Or when a man with a barbed-wire covered baseball bat murders your family out of spite and revenge,” Negan added and you nodded silently. 

“I can’t handle another war, Negan. Not after everything we lost in the last one,” you admitted. “Does that make a coward?”

“It makes you _human_ , (Y/N),” Negan said, taking one of his hands back and reaching through the bars. He cupped your face and you leaned into him. “I can’t tell you that another war or fight or tragedy won’t happen, but I do know that you will survive it.”

“Nobody can know that,” you said. 

“You have to trust me on this. You told me, that night we sat drinking on your couch, that you weren’t the best person to teach the next generation how to survive, but you are so wrong. You may be the _only one_ who can do it because as you said, _Rick_ trusted _you_ to be a protector. You also have to understand that this new world is _always_ going to bring challenges. _‘The planet has survived everything, in its time. It will certainly survive us,’_.”

“Now who’s quoting _Jurassic Park_ ,” you said with a small laugh. 

“See, I _knew_ you read the book,” Negan whispered. Laughing again, you looked up at him with blurred vision. 

“I can’t do it alone,” you said. 

“You’re not alone. You have family and now you got me and I’m not goin’ anywhere. Death himself will have to take me before I abandon you. Do you understand?” You nodded, feeling his calloused palm scratch against your cheek. 

“Yeah,” you said. “I do. Thank you.” Negan smiled softly at you and then, hesitantly, pulled you forward and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

Heat bloomed from where his lips touched your skin and when you pulled back, that light was back in his eyes and you were _drowning_ in it. He glanced down at your lips for a second before his eyes flicked back to yours and all you wished at that moment was for the bars between you to dissolve. 

“(Y/N)…” he whispered as he moved in closer, but then a large commotion echoed from outside the cell. 

“(Y/N)!” you heard Aaron calling for you. “(Y/N)!” 

“Go,” Negan urged, but you tried to argue. “I’m not going anywhere, remember?” he said and you nearly melted at the look in his eyes, angry that you had been interrupted once again.

“I’m holding you to that,” you said with a firm look. He winked at you and lifted your hand to his lips, pressing a firm kiss to your palm. 

_“Go on!”_ he said and with another look at the man locked away from you, you pushed out into the Virginian sun, running towards Aaron who was walking with Laura, Eugene, Rosita, and Judith. Behind him, were five other people. 

“(Y/N)!” Judith exclaimed as you ran up to her. 

“What’s going on? Who are these people?” you asked, your eyes flicking between her and a concerned Aaron. 

“These people need our help!” Judith said. “Their friend is hurt.” You noticed that one of the women was hunched over, blood dripping down her brow. 

“Where’s your mom?” you asked her. 

“Michonne is on a run,” Aaron explained. “When it comes to security, you’re the next one in charge.” 

Blinking, you tried to focus your thoughts on what was happening in front of you, but your head was back in the cell with the man that had consumed you. Then, the man from the new group stepped forward and offered you his hand. 

When you took it, he gave you a kind smile and said, “Hi, I’m Luke.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 11! The reader has to greet the newcomers and try to convince Michonne to do the right thing…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Off My Mind” by Radio Company
> 
> Note: Bit more of a filler, but I am slowly trying to map out the timeline that extends from the beginning of the whisperers all the way through s10 finale. I am going to be staying as close to canon as possible with a few changes. For example, Negan getting out, certain deaths, and of course Alpha and company. There will be spoilers in the upcoming chapters.

Staring at the group in front of you, you felt an immense amount of pressure building in your chest. 

The man before you, Luke, was still gripping your hand. He was waiting for you to say something, but your brain was moving a mile a minute. Not just because of Negan, but because you hadn’t been faced with a decision such as this one. Michonne was the one to make the rules.

It was an unspoken thing, her reign over Alexandria. Before Rick had died, he was the one in charge, but since the bridge incident, the council had been born. However, everyone knew that if Michonne said no, that was the law and she would not be happy with what was happening right now. 

“This isn’t my decision,” you said, taking back your hand from the stranger and giving your full attention to Aaron. 

“It is now,” he said, and coming up behind him was Gabriel who was nodding in agreement. You looked back to the newcomers and noticed one of the women was signing to another, translating everything that was going on. You also noticed that the woman who was injured wasn’t looking much better. 

“(Y/N),” Judith said, pulling your attention. You looked down at the girl, worry still on her freckled face. “This is Luke, Connie, Kelly, Magna, and Yumiko. They need medicine and water, please.” All you wanted to do was be there for the little girl, but you had never been put in this position before. 

“I don’t know what to do,” you admitted. “Michonne, your mom, she needs to be the one to make this decision.” Judith frowned, ready to make her case when suddenly the far gate opened and you heard the unmistakable pounding of hooves along the road. Michonne was home. “Oh, thank god,” you whispered.

“(Y/N), _please_ ,” Judith begged. You reached down and squeezed the hand that was gripping the bottom of your shirt. 

“I’m sorry, Jude, but it’s up to your mom,” you said, and with barely a glance towards Luke and Company, you jogged over to Michonne as she dismounted from her horse. 

“What is this?” Michonne asked, already seeing the small group forming around the others. 

“Judith found them,” you explained and it was enough for Michonne to rub the space between her eyebrows. 

“My kid, always the good one,” she muttered and then let out a deep sigh. It was then that you could already tell what she was thinking and it wasn’t good. 

“Michonne,” you began, “just let Siddiq look at the woman. She’s hurt and Judith saved them. I know your rules, but we’ll keep them under guard.”

“You know that we can’t,” Michonne said, her hand snaking back around her waist to hold onto the sheath that held her katana. You noticed that she did that whenever she was on edge. It seemed that was her natural state these days, not that you could blame her. Michonne had seen enough terror in her life to last a lifetime.

“We are better than this and you know it,” you challenged. Michonne blinked at your strong tone but relaxed her arms. 

“I am thinking of our people, (Y/N),” she said back, staring you down. 

“And you don’t think I am? Alexandria has always been a place of refuge. What would our people think if we just said, 'good luck people, go and fend for your damn selves,'?” you asked, crossing your arms. 

“We did,” Michonne reminded you and your mind flashed back to those days on the road after Terminus. You glared at the woman, knowing that she was trying to get you to cave, but you had dealt with enough of your own bullshit over the years. 

“Aaron found us,” you argued. “He invited us here and you were one of the _only ones_ to convince Rick to accept Alexandria. Aaron took a chance on us and _because of us_ , we helped this place thrive. Hilltop, Kingdom, Oceanside, all of them accepted us and we helped them because we believed that there were more good people out there.” 

“You weren’t there, (Y/N),” Michonne said and you knew what she was referring to. Only she and Daryl had witnessed the horrors of Jocelyn. You weren’t even sure if Judith remembered the day she was taken. 

“I know,” you said, this time your tone much softer. “However, I also know that we are not the kind of people who have stopped caring.” She was quiet for a moment, thinking over your words and eventually she hung her head before looking back towards Aaron. Her eyes fell on her daughter who was looking at her with those big brown eyes of her and the determination of a Grimes. She looked back at you and then nodded. 

“I will speak to the council,” she settled on and you sighed, 

“Thank you, Michonne,” you said and she nodded once before grabbing her bag and heading over to her daughter who was still looking at her with a pleading expression. Not wanting to intrude, you decided to head out of the community to make sure that nobody had followed them 

The last thing you needed was for Michonne to blame you for something you championed for.

* * *

You had killed a lot of Walkers since the beginning of the Apocalypse, but it still never failed to gross you out. 

Once you realized that the group had been alone, after all, you began the trek back towards Alexandria. Nevertheless, the monsters of the new world had still managed to ruin your day. After fighting through a small pack of them, you were exhausted.

Your mind began to wander towards Hilltop as you walked through the woods. You hadn’t been to see Jesus in some time and you were missing him a lot. When you had met the eccentric man the day Rick and Daryl dragged him into Alexandria, the two of you had connected almost immediately.

With your skills as a long-distance fighter and his close-quarter combat ones, you were an unusual, but strong duo. You often worked as a spotter for the man, keeping your hand on the Walkie as he fought through hoards of Walkers or smaller groups of Saviors. Then, when Paul had approached you about taking the survivors of a Savior outpost back to Hilltop to keep them as prisoners instead of killing them, you had backed him. 

Maggie was not thrilled that you were not willing to kill the Saviors, but that wasn’t how you thought anymore. You knew that you had to kill to survive some times, you had even done it yourself, but there came a time when the killing had to end. 

Jesus always told you that holding grudges would never amount to anything and you believed him. It was why you had never told anyone that Rick had actually come to you to discuss what he was going to do with Negan.

You had told Negan that there wasn’t a vote, but what it actually was, was a conversation between you and the man you trusted most in your life. You weren’t sure if even Michonne knew what was going to happen on that field when Rick slit open Negan’s throat. 

That day had been one that nobody wanted to remember. There was already too much loss on both sides and after losing Carl, nobody wanted there to be more carnage.

Well, except for Maggie Rhee.

You couldn’t even begin to think about what she would be thinking right now if she knew what you were feeling when it came to the man who murdered her husband. 

You were close to Maggie once, but after Glenn died, the two of you had begun to pull away from each other. You both missed Glenn, but while you were just trying to resolve the issue, Maggie was out for revenge. Never once did you blame her for it, she had every right to want Negan dead, but you weren’t so sure that Negan was still that man. 

At least that was what you felt. 

As you approached the main gates of your home, that analytical side of you, the one that made you such a great teacher, began hounding you. You couldn’t stop all the scenarios that ran through your head and all the possible negative reactions that could happen if anyone outside of Alexandria found out about you and Negan.

However, there was still one thing that offered you comfort. You knew that your best friend, Paul, would not judge you and as you stepped into Alexandria, you felt the urge to run all the way to Hilltop. Instead, you let Eugene roll the gate behind you and seal it shut.

* * *

The next day, Judith Grimes sat on the steps of her home as she did her homework.

“Airplane ‘A’ and airplane ‘B’ are 1000 miles apart. If airplane ‘A’ is flying east at 500 miles per hour and airplane ‘B’ is flying west at 650 miles per hour, how…”

“You know what?” Negan interrupted, “I would _definitely_ recommend booking a seat on airplane ‘C,’ because that is shaping up to be one hell of a mid-air collision.”

“You gonna help me or what?” Judith asked with a frown, the small sheriff figurine in her hand as she read from her textbook. Negan chuckled, watching her from the small window of his cell. 

“All right. Let me ask you somethin’,” he began, “you ever seen an airplane fly in any direction, at any speed?” 

“No,” Judith said. 

“Do you think you ever will?” Negan asked. 

“Probably not,” Judith said. 

“So, what the hell difference does it make?” Negan asked. “See, math problems are supposed to apply to the real world. You want my help? Give me a question or a problem from right here, right now.” Judith was silent for a moment as Negan waited patiently for her to continue, but instead of math, she diverted the conversation. 

“You know the strangers we brought here yesterday? My mom’s gonna make them leave,” Judith said with a sigh, pushing up the brim of her hat slightly. 

“Well, _no_ , I didn’t know,” Negan said with a smile, “but let me guess. _You_ being _you_ , you wanna help ‘em.”

“I found 'em. I brought 'em here,” Judith argued. 

“What does (Y/N) think? Ain’t they second in command or somethin’?” Negan asked, wondering where your head was at. 

“They think that they should be able to stay,” Judith revealed, closing her book and bracing her elbows on the cover. 

“Does your mom agree?” Negan asked. 

“No, but (Y/N) got her to let Laura stay after the war,” Judith explained. “They’ll get Mom to let these people stay too. I’m almost positive.” That bit of news had Negan slightly surprised. 

“They wanted Laura to stay?” he asked. While he knew that Laura was the tamer of his former fighters, she was still a Savior and he didn’t think her transition into Alexandria would have been that easy. 

“(Y/N) wanted as many people to live after the war as possible,” Judith told him, “They don’t like it when people die. I like that about them.”

“Me too,” Negan said softly. 

“What are you two chattin’ about?” you said as you approached the duo. Negan’s eyes lit up as you came into view, a bottle of water swinging from your fingers as you looked at Judith with a smirk on your lips. 

“Math,” Judith said nonchalantly. 

“Mmhmm,” you said, not buying it for a second. “Your momma is askin’ for you, Jude,” you said with a nod towards her house behind her. 

“Okay, fine,” Judith said with a sigh. 

“Wait a minute,” Negan said, “Where you going? I thought you wanted my help.” you looked over at him with a smile and he sent you a wink. 

“I do, but just with math,” Judith said, gathering up her stuff.

“Why just math?” he asked. 

“Because it doesn’t matter if you’re a good or bad person on the inside. The numbers don’t care,” she said with a shrug as she jogged up the steps and into her house. You watched her, your mouth open in shock. 

_“Wow,”_ Negan said as soon as the door closed behind her. “Since when is she that sassy?”

“Since she was born,” you said with a snort as you leaned against the gate, turning your back to him. “Just lettin’ ya know, shit might start hittin’ the fan. Michonne is on edge.” 

“Ain’t she always?” Negan asked with a sigh. “This about the newcomers the kid found?” You nodded, twisting off the cap of your bottle.

“She thinks Hilltop will take them. Apparently, the meeting didn’t go too well. One of the women is a bit… _edgy_.”

“Will Maggie take them?” Negan asked. 

“It’s not up to Maggie. It’ll be up to Jesus and Tara,” you explained. “Maggie isn’t at Hilltop.”

“No?” Negan asked in that curious tone you liked so much. 

“She went away for a bit,” you said, “At least that’s what Enid told me last time I talked to her.”

“So what does this mean?” 

“It means that Michonne is going to have to _finally_ talk to the people we once considered friends.”

“And you?” he asked. 

_“I_ am going to have to keep my head on a swivel,” you said with a sigh. All the drama that had come up hadn’t helped the insomnia that had crept up on you in the past couple of weeks. 

“Which you will, of course,” he said and you rolled your eyes. 

“You really have so much faith in me, don’t you?” you asked with a sly smile. 

“I like to put my money on people I know will win,” Negan said and you just knew he was shrugging.

“What exactly is the competition?” you wondered. 

“Life,” he simply said. 

“I am not so sure you can win at life, Negan,” you said with a small chuckle, drinking from your bottle.

“I don’t know, (Y/N), _I_ seem to be doing pretty damn well,” he said, his voice lower and you almost choked on your water right then. You weren’t quite sure what to follow with after that statement and he seemed to realize. “Too strong?” he asked, worried he may have pushed it a bit far. 

“No, _no,”_ you said, turning to face him. “I just, uh,…” you tried to find the words.

“You’re blushin’,” he pointed out with a sly smirk.

“It’s hot,” you said. 

“Not really,” he whispered back. 

“Shut up.”

“Is that a challenge?” he asked with a quirk of his brow. 

“It’s an order. I am still technically your warden.”

“I thought that was only when I was in your bed,” he said as he wet his lips with that grin of his. 

“You were never in my bed, just beside it,” you clarified.

 _“Optics,”_ he said with a wink, and you were reminded of the time you had said the same thing to him when discussing the details of who started the war. Pushing off the gate, you straightened your clothes. 

“I am going to go and do something…something else,” you said, still flustered. 

“Yeah, maybe ask Siddiq about what to do about a heatstroke,” he teased and you flipped him off. “How adorable,” he cooed. 

“I hate you!” you called as you walked away.

“No, you don’t!” he yelled back and you chuckled under your breath. 

No, you really didn’t.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 12! When the reader finds out that Rosita is hurt and Eugene is missing, they leave for Hilltop in a hurry to help. With the help of old friends and new, they find themselves at the beginning of a war they never could have imagined. Meanwhile, back in Alexandria, Negan is left to his own devices. Takes place within 9x07 “Stradivarius”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: None
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Hit The Ground Running” by Alice Merton
> 
> Note: As I mentioned in a part, I am sticking pretty close to canon for the Whisperer War so if you have not caught up from season 9 all the way through the recent episode of season 10, there will be spoilers for it. Also, I never expected this series to evolve so much so a lot more of the story will be told from the reader POV, but don’t worry Negan will have a POV as well. I’m going to give both sides throughout! Also: timing is different, I changed a few things to fit the plot.

“Do you know what confuses me?” Negan asked. 

“A lot?” you offered and he hit you with his pillow. You were hanging out in Negan’s cell, the keys hooked to your belt. When Gabriel and Michonne had assigned you to be his therapist, they never said anything about you not being allowed inside the cell with him.

Even if they didn’t like it, you were still going to do it. The two of you were sitting side by side on the cot, staring at the stone ceiling together. 

“Can I finish what I was going to say?” he asked. You gestured for him to continue. “I was _going_ to say, why do we call them Walkers?” 

“Because they walk?” you offered. You didn’t really know where it came from, but Rick had called the Dead that once and it just sort of stuck within the group. It was easier than saying the Dead all the time. 

“We don’t call people, _breathers_ ,” Negan noted. 

“Yeah, because they are _people_ , Negan,” you reminded him, looking over at him. 

“So are Walkers,” he said. 

“Not really,” you said with a dismissive scoff. “They cease to exist as soon as they turn. They’re just shells.”

“If I turned, is that how you would see me?” he asked. 

“I don’t want to talk about that,” you said quietly.

“About what? Me becoming a Walker. It could happen one day, (Y/N),” Negan said. 

“I know that, but I would rather not think of you with white eyes and…” you trailed off, taking a breath trying to stay calm. “Don’t make me think about that.” You felt Negan take your hand and you slipped your fingers through his, letting the firm grip comfort you. 

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Not your fault,” you told him. “You know me, I get all doom and gloom.”

“Welcome to the club,” he sighed. “You know you’re allowed to feel like that, right? All doom and gloom,” he teased with a bump to your shoulder. 

“I know,” you said, leaning into him. Any time either of you initiated physical contact, it felt weird and good at the same time. You weren’t sure if anything was going to go any further at this point, but any time he reached for your hand or brushed his knuckles across your cheek, it made you absolutely melt inside. 

A yawn escaped you before you could help it. “You should go get some sleep,” he whispered. You nodded but had no intention of moving. “(Y/N)…” he said and you sunk down further on the cot. “You can’t stay here.”

“Says who?” you argued. 

“Me,” Negan said, “you snore.” You smacked his chest. 

_“I do not,”_ you argued. 

“Come on, Teach,” he said, a new nickname he had come up with, “you don’t need to be sleeping in a cage. Not you.” Knowing he wouldn’t let up, you relented and sat up with a frown. 

“Fine, but I won’t be happy about it,” you said. 

“I would hope not,” Negan said with a wink.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” you said, pulling your hand from his slowly. 

“I’ll be here,” he promised. With a last look, you unlocked the cage door and secured it behind you. Waving goodnight to him, you headed out of the cell and up onto the street, ready for some decent dreams for once. Considering the feeling in your stomach from your evening with Negan, you figured that may happen after all.

* * *

It felt way too early to be saddling up a horse. 

When Michonne had knocked on your door early that morning you were less than thrilled to be greeted by your fearless leader. She explained that she was going to be taking the newcomers to Hilltop and that she was worried about the cold greeting she knew she would be getting.

You didn’t really know what to tell the woman. You knew how Tara felt when she left Alexandria and you also knew that Michonne had pushed everyone in Hilltop away. Nonetheless, you agreed to keep an eye on things while she was gone and went to the main stable to hitch up the makeshift wagon. 

With Yumiko, the injured woman with the new group, still being injured, they had to set out at a slow pace. As you ran your hand down the side of one of the larger horses, you could see Judith frowning at her mom in the distance. You knew she was upset that Michonne was going to Hilltop without her, but Michonne wasn’t planning on staying long. 

Your mind began to wander then and so did your eyes. You searched for Rosita, but her dark hair was nowhere to be found. She had mentioned something about helping Eugene with something, but you hadn’t seen her since. Knowing Porter, he most likely dragged her out into the middle of nowhere. 

Still, you would ask Michonne to keep an eye out just in case. While Rosita was opinionated and brash, she was also the one person next to Jesus, one of your closest friends, that you trusted to talk to. Then again, there was still one other person who you confided in, but Negan wasn’t the best choice when he was the topic you needed advice on.

* * *

Once you managed to get the horses saddled and ready to go, you made your way over to the new group. You hadn’t had any time to actually talk to them for more than a few minutes, but they seemed nice enough and you were glad that Michonne was giving them a chance at Hilltop. 

As you approached, you noticed Judith attempting to do some sign language. With a small laugh, you placed your hand on her shoulder and she looked up at you with a goofy grin.

“I’m trying,” she said with a wrinkle of her nose. 

“You’ll get it,” you assured her before turning to the woman you knew as Connie. _“It was nice to meet you,”_ you signed much to her and Judith’s surprise. Connie smiled at you and stood from her kneeling position to shake your hand. 

_“You too,”_ Connie signed back and you nodded to her as well as the woman you knew to be her sister.

“You gotta teach me that,” Judith whispered as you took a few steps back from the wagon as they began loading up. 

“I got you, kid,” you promised, hooking her pinky with yours. As Michonne mounted her horse, she nodded to you and you returned the gesture. Waving to her daughter, Michonne and the others lead the newcomers out of Alexandria to start the trek to Hilltop. 

* * *

It was much later when you found Judith alone. “Come on,” you said, “how about you and I get some training in?”

“Don’t you have things to do?” Judith asked, confused. 

“I always got time for you, Jude,” you said. “Also, who else is going to teach me how to use a blade if not you?” you teased, and she beamed up at you before running to get the practice swords Daryl had made for her a couple of years before. 

Since guns were not as readily available, you had to pick up hand to hand pretty quickly. You were never bad per se, but you were always better from a distance. Daryl had tried to teach you to use his bow and while you could when you had to, you never felt comfortable with arrows or bolts. 

Instead, you began observing Michonne and Judith’s sessions. Whenever you went to see Jesus or he ventured over to Alexandria, he would spar with you as well. As you twirled the wooden sword in your hand, you wondered what it would be like to spar with Negan. 

You weren’t sure how skilled he was in a fight when it came to specifics. Of course, you had seen him go after Rick and kill Walkers, but intricate fighting was a lot different than just swinging a baseball bat. 

Trying to stay focused on the task at hand, you circled the young girl, blocking her strikes. Considering how small Judith was, it was a challenge to get your own hits in, but you managed to work up a bit of a sweat as you practiced. Eventually, she collapsed on the ground with a dramatic sigh. 

“Why is it so hot?” she asked, pulling her hat off to shake out her hair. 

“Because you’re working hard, Jude,” you said, joining her on the grass. 

“You’re getting really good,” she complimented. 

“Why thank you, Jedi Master,” you joked and she looked at you confused. “Nevermind,” you said. “You know, I may have to get one of the blacksmiths to make me a sword of my own. Might be a bit better than the knives I carry now.”

“One like Mom’s?” Judith asked. 

“Oh, definitely not!” you said with a laugh. “I think you and your mom have the exclusive rights to those beauties. Maybe something a bit smaller, a short sword kind of thing.” 

“I think that would fit you,” Judith said after consideration. 

“You see Rosita anywhere?” you asked her, looking around again. 

“No, sorry,” Judith said, placing her hat back on her head. “(Y/N), can I ask you something?” she asked. 

“Of course,” you said, giving her your full attention. 

“Do you think we’ll ever all be together again?” Judith asked. 

“What do you mean?” 

“We never talk to the others anymore. Hilltop, Oceanside, even The Kingdom. I haven’t seen Aunt Carol in so long,” she said sadly. “I miss them.”

“I know, kid,” you said, dreading the conversation. You didn’t think you were the person who should be talking to her about this. “I think that one day we’ll all be back together. Hopefully sooner than later.”

“Uncle Daryl, too?” she asked, looking up at you with those big eyes of hers. 

“Yeah, your Uncle too,” you whispered with a small smile. Judith nodded, wiping at her eyes when suddenly she sat up straight. “What is it?” 

“That’s not one of our horses,” Judith said as she stood. Turning to where her eyes were aimed, you saw what had caught her attention. A rider had arrived at Alexandria and you recognized them immediately.

They were from Hilltop. 

“Stay here,” you told Judith as you got to your feet and jogged over to the stables. Gabriel was already there. “What’s going on?” you asked the Father as soon as you approached. 

“Rosita,” Gabriel said, frozen where he stood. You placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“What happened?” you asked the Hilltop rider. 

“We found her,” they said, “she’s hurt and Eugene is missing.”

“What do you mean he’s _missing_?” you asked, taking charge of the situation just as Michonne would have wanted. 

“I don’t know, but that’s all we got out of her before she passed out.”

“(Y/N),” Gabriel began, but didn’t get much more out. You knew what he was asking and you didn’t need to be asked twice. 

“Saddle a horse for me, Gabe, I’m riding for Hilltop.” 

* * *

Just before heading out, you stopped by the cell to explain what was going on. 

“So, you’re leaving?” Negan asked as he stood at the bars, his arms crossed. _“Alone?”_

“This is not my first time riding to Hilltop and I am going back with the escort. We’re going to ride fast so I can help with the search. I know those woods and surrounding areas well.”

“And what if whatever or whoever that hurt Rosita is still out there?”

“Then we will deal with it. I’m not going out alone, but Gabriel needs me to go and I have to go help them. I can’t just sit here.”

“I thought Michonne and Siddiq were already going?” he asked. 

“They’re pulling the wagon and they had to make some stops to pick up the new group’s things. I can get there faster on horseback.”

“So help me, (Y/N), if you do anything stupid and get hurt…” he said, bracing his hands on the bars. You put yours on top of his. 

“I will be _fine_. I think you forget that I’ve been a skilled fighter for years now. I know how to handle myself against the Walkers and the Breathers,” you said with a wink. He smiled at that. “When I get back, I’ll come to see you first, I promise.”

Negan was quiet for a moment, but then said, “Please be careful.”

“Always,” you promised and then reached up and paced your hand against his cheek. “I’ll be home soon.” 

“I’ll be waiting,” he said as you took a step back, and with a final look at him as if you were trying to memorize his face you turned your back and headed for your horse.

* * *

You, along with the Hilltop escort, rode hard towards the community. 

All you could think about was Rosita and what the hell had happened. Ro was a fierce fighter and Eugene was brilliant. Whatever had gotten the jump on them had you worried.

Your mind went back to a conversation you had had with Negan. He had asked you what you thought was out there and you didn’t have an answer. There was a part of you now that had a feeling you were about to find out. 

It took a while to reach Hilltop, but when you did, the doors pulled open as your horses turned up the long road to the community. Diane was on watch and the surprised look on her face as you rode in was enough to make you feel nervous. You hadn’t seen anyone outside Alexandria in a while and it was like going to a high school reunion and you didn’t like it. 

However, your nerves were short-lived when you spotted a group of people saddling up horses and gearing up. You nearly crashed to the ground dismounting your horse when you saw a familiar vest.

A vest with wings. 

“Daryl!” you called, walking toward him, trying to get your legs back beneath you. Turning at the sound of his name, Daryl spotted you immediately and ran for you. You didn’t hesitate to pull him into your arms. “Holy shit,” you said as you clutched at him, giving him a hug that could have crushed bones. 

“Hey, (Y/N),” he said, pulling back. “What are ya _doin’_ here?” he asked. 

“Hilltop told us what was goin’ on. I couldn’t just sit there while Ro was hurt and Eugene was missin’, could I?”

“Rosita told us where she stashed him,” Daryl explained. 

“Stashed him?” you asked, confused. 

“Not a lot of information right now, but we got an idea of where he is,” Daryl said and then his shoulders dropped a bit. “It’s damn good to see ya,” he said and you reached out and gripped his shoulder. 

“I missed you too,” you said and he smiled. It was then that you noticed another member of your family had arrived at Hilltop as well. “Give me a second, yeah?”

“We’re leavin’ in a bit,” Daryl said and you nodded, walking past him and over to a woman with long white hair. 

“Your Majesty,” you greeted and Carol looked up at you and her face split into a grin. 

“Oh my god,” she said as she walked to you and gave you a big hug. “How are you?”

“Still kickin’,” you said and she rolled her eyes. You spoke to Carol for a while before Jesus exited Barrington House with an annoyed Tara following him. Jesus was dressed for battle and Tara was not thrilled about it. 

You waited until Tara had stormed off before approaching Jesus, your arms crossed. 

“You know,” you began, “pissing her off is never a good idea.” 

“You…,” Jesus said as he turned to face you before his face split into a grin. “My _God_ , I’ve missed you!” He didn’t hesitate to bring you in for a hug. You both relaxed in each other’s arms and it just felt right to be with him again. You knew it was your fault that you hadn’t gone to see him.

Just because Michonne had prevented others from going into Alexandria, that didn’t mean you couldn’t go and see the others. Seeing Daryl at Hilltop with Jesus and Tara began to take you back to the war and then your thoughts were being tugged back to Alexandria, back to _him_. 

You couldn’t even think about what would happen if Daryl found out that you were getting cozy with his previous jailer. A part of you worried that he would be angry, but there was another side of you who thought that he would just not comment on it at all. Whenever Daryl was quiet around his family, you knew he was more than angry. 

When Jesus let go of you, you noticed the blade on his belt. “That’s nice,” you complimented and he unsheathed it to show you. 

“Been using her more and more lately,” he said proudly. 

“I’ve been thinking of getting one myself,” you said and he raised a brow. 

“Well, when you do, let me be the first to spar with you,” he offered. 

“You got it,” you said with a smile.

“Hey!” Daryl called, “Are we goin’ or what? Ya can catch up later!” With a roll of his eyes, Jesus mounted a nearby horse and offered you his hand. 

“Just like old times?” he asked and with a laugh, you joined him on the saddle and he took off after Daryl who was revving his bike. Just as you rode through the gates, you only hoped that you would be able to find Eugene in time. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader, Aaron, Jesus, and Daryl set out to find Eugene, but what they find may be even worse…takes place in 9x08 “Evolution”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Angst, Swearing, Blood, Massive Angst (I’m sorry)
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Game of Survival” by Ruelle
> 
> Note: So I realized that the riders from hilltop don’t make it until well Gabe speaks to Negan in ep 8, but just go with me, okay? I hope you like this one! (All official dialog used is property of AMC)

It didn’t take long for you and the others to pick up the trail Rosita had left. **  
**

After leaving the horses, you all went on foot with you and Daryl leading. Next to Dixon, you were a decent tracker, but he had taught you everything you knew and it felt nice to be by his side once again.

Jesus was on your other flank, careful not to make any sound, which of course, he never did. You never found out what the man did before the world ended, but a part of you thought it had to have been some kind of military job. There was just no way he was this stealthy without any proper training. 

His sword glinted in the setting sun, his grip always adjusting on the handle. Aaron, who had joined up with the party just as you were leaving Hilltop, walked at the rear. He was keeping his eyes on Jesus, but also the surroundings. You knew that they were together or at least had grown closer. You weren’t sure why they were hiding it, but you didn’t press the issue. 

When Jesus and Aaron ventured ahead, you and Daryl split, taking each side along the main hill, checking for tracks. When you met back with the other two, they were crouched behind an old tree. As you approached, you could see what they were looking at so closely. Just over the hill was a herd of Walkers and they were behaving oddly. Daryl’s furry companion, Dog, jogged up to your side to get a closer look as well.

“You ever see them do this before?” Jesus asked Aaron. 

“No,” Aaron said and you were in agreement. The way the Walkers were walking in the field looked almost as if they were in a corral. Something about it made your stomach turn. 

“Rosita’s trail goes right through ‘em,” Daryl said, stopping at your shoulder. “We should get the horses, circle around, then we’ll pick it up on foot.”

“What about the Walkers?” you asked him.

“What about them?” 

“They’re just milling around,” Jesus said with a nervous look at you. “That’s not normal, Daryl.”

“No,” Daryl said with his own look of worry. “No, it ain’t.” A sudden shift in the wind had you turning to Daryl and nodding your head to the sky. He nodded in agreement, he could feel it too. “We need to move, there’s a storm coming.”

A storm was definitely coming, but you weren’t sure if you all would be able to get out of its way this time. 

* * *

Back within the walls of Alexandria, Negan listened to Gabriel’s attempt at getting him to open up. “You do realize that this is a bunch of bullshit, right?” Negan asked as he threw the ball at the wall again. 

“What is?” Gabriel asked with a sigh. 

“You trying to get me to clear my head and open up and be a _better man_ ,” Negan joked. “It’s not working.”

“Is that so?” the Father asked. 

_“Yep,”_ Negan said with a grin. 

“And is that because I’m not (Y/N)?” Gabe asked smugly as the ball stilled in Negan’s hand. 

“They are definitely _much_ cuter than you,” Negan said, not risking to look in the Father’s eyes. 

“You’ve grown quite fond of them,” Gabriel noted, placing down the items in his hands. 

“Maybe I have, _maybe_ I haven’t,” Negan said. “What is it to you? Are you jealous? I didn’t interrupt some freaky threesome with you, (Y/N), and Rosita, did I?”

“No,” Gabriel said, patiently. “However, I _have_ noticed that (Y/N) seems…lighter these days.” That made Negan pause again. 

“What do you mean?” he asked. 

“They went through a dark time,” Gabriel explained. “Not that long after you were going through yours. I didn’t think I would see them smile again let alone interact with any of us for more than a few moments. You changed that. I don’t know what you did, but you brought them back to how they used to be.” Negan looked over at Gabriel, absorbing the information. He only had a few memories of (Y/N) before he was locked in the cell and even then, he wasn’t ready to share them with anyone, especially not Gabriel.

However, this new information had him a bit worried. What if they slipped back into the darkness? How was he supposed to help them? 

“I wouldn’t worry,” Gabriel offered, clearly seeing the turmoil in Negan’s eyes. “I have known them for a while and trust me when I say this, (Y/N) is one of the strongest people I know. Although, they are also one of the most loyal.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” Negan asked. 

“Because I can see that they trust you. Don’t ruin that.”

“I don’t plan to,” Negan said and for the first time in all the times Gabriel had been talking to the fallen king, he felt as if he was finally being sincere. Gabriel left then, leaving Negan to his thoughts, but he couldn’t focus on anything besides you and where you were. He trusted your friends enough to watch your back, but Negan was also worried that when it came down to it, you would be the reckless one and that would be your ultimate downfall. 

* * *

You were walking alongside Jesus while Aaron and Daryl were ahead, keeping Rosita’s trail in their line of sight. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Jesus asked, pulling you out of your thoughts. You blinked, turning your attention back to him. 

“What do you mean?” you asked. 

“I haven’t seen you this distracted in a while. What’s goin’ on?” 

“There’s just a lot of drama at home,” you admitted. 

“Is this about Michonne?” Jesus asked, kicking at a few loose rocks on the ground, skipping them a few feet ahead. 

“No,” you said, shaking your head. “It’s…” you paused, trying to get your nerve. You wondered if Aaron had mentioned your newfound bond with Negan, but seeing as Daryl hadn’t jumped down your throat yet, you figured the answer was no. “It’s Negan,” you admitted, lowering your voice. 

“What’s he done now?” Jesus asked, but his voice wasn’t full of malice, just with curiosity. Jesus was always the person to look at things from every side and that was why you cared for him so much. 

“Nothing,” you said with a shrug. “It’s just, I’ve been keeping my eye on him at the request of the council, and well, _some_ people don’t like it.”

“Define, ‘keeping an eye on’?” he asked. 

“We’re sort of… _friends_?” you offered, not wanting to expose more of the relationship. Jesus was quiet for a moment and you wondered if he was thinking about Maggie. 

“Is that a bad thing?” 

“To everyone but me, it seems to be,” you grumbled. 

“What does Negan think about this newfound friendship?” Jesus wondered. 

“He thinks that I should be careful about how much time I spend with him. He is always worried that my people are going to turn on me.” 

“Do you think they will?” he asked. 

“I don’t know,” you said honestly. “I’d rather not find out.” Jesus reached over and laid his hand on your shoulder and then glanced over at Daryl and Aaron before lowering his volume as well. 

“It’s _more_ than a friendship, isn’t it?” You almost froze at his words, but he took your silence as an answer. With a sigh, he dropped his hand but kept close to you. “I can’t say that I _fully_ approve, but I always did think there was more to him than just the leather and the barbed wire.” You laughed at that. 

“There is,” you said. “There is _so_ much more.”

“Then why worry?”

“Because it’s _Negan_ and everyone hates him,” you reminded him. 

“You don’t,” he pointed out. “I think that counts for something.” 

“Yeah, maybe it does,” you said with a small smile. “Thanks, Paul.” He winked at you and then went to catch up with Aaron. You watched after him and felt a weight disappear off your shoulders. Maybe people finding out about your connection to Negan wouldn’t be so horrible. It wasn’t as if the world could end twice. 

Catching up to your friends, you stopped as growling reached your ears. “You hear that?” you asked Daryl. 

“That herd is followin’ us,” Aaron said. 

“Nah, has to be the wind,” you argued. “Walkers can’t follow scents like that. _Can they?”_

“Let’s not find out,” Daryl said, gesturing the group ahead. “We need to put some distance between us and them.” 

Nobody argued with that and so the four of you set out again, keeping to the shadows of the tree line when you could. You acted as sentry in the back, your knives in your hands as you scouted along the trees, keeping your senses alert. It had been a while since you had been out in the world like this. 

Michonne had asked you to go on runs here and there, but it had been too long since you had walked the same earth Walkers stumbled across daily. The stench of rot and new growth was in the air and it almost felt alien to be hiking through the weeds again. 

You were reminded of the time before you got to Alexandria. All those days on the road when you didn’t know what was around every corner had given you the much-needed adrenaline rushes. Then with the war, they had returned. You would never admit it out loud, but you sort of missed that feeling that rushed through your body when you were fighting. You missed the danger. Though, you definitely didn’t miss the loss.

* * *

When Daryl, Aaron, and Jesus stopped sometime later, you came up behind them confused. 

“What’s wrong?” you asked. 

“Is that the same herd?” Aaron asked, looking through the trees. Peering at the Walkers, you had a feeling it was. “If it is, it just got a whole lot bigger.”

“Herds merge, Aaron,” you reminded him. 

“I still don’t like the feel of this one,” he admitted. 

“Don’t matter how big it is as long as it’s going the other way,” Daryl said. “Come on.” As Jesus and Aaron followed Daryl, you hesitated as a feeling entered your gut. It was something you had sometimes felt when acting as a sniper. Whenever someone had spotted you, you got the sense that you were being watched. 

That feeling had now returned. 

Turning away from the herd, you gripped your blades tighter and followed after the others, but the fear followed you and you didn’t know how to shake it. 

* * *

It was well after the sun came down, that Daryl finally picked up the end of the trail. With Dog in the lead, Daryl picked his way toward an old barn, the rest of you on his tail. “Something ain’t right,” you said to Daryl as you walked. 

“What’s wrong?” Aaron asked, hearing your concern. 

“I don’t like this, _any_ of it. I don’t feel…safe,” you admitted. 

“I know, I feel it, too,” Daryl said, meeting your eyes. “We just gotta find Eugene and get gone. Go on, boy, go find him,” Daryl urged as the canine trotted into the barn, sniffing the straw as he went. 

You walked parallel to Daryl, something you learned to do when you would hunt together. It was so easy to fall in step with him again. He seemed to notice it too considering he was reacting to every step you were taking as well. Suddenly, Dog began to whine as he scratched at a portion of straw on the ground. 

“Good boy,” Daryl said. 

“Eugene? Are you in there?” Aaron asked above the hay mound and then through the silence, you finally heard a voice. 

“Affirmative,” Eugene said. All four of you began to dig him out, careful not to injure him further. Once you got him situated back onto the barn floor, you got a better look at him. He was shaking, sweating, and something about the way he was looking at you told you one thing, Eugene was petrified. 

“Are you alright?” you asked, getting down to his level. 

“I took a bad step and dislocated my knee. There was a herd on our six, and Rosita was forced to stash me here,” Eugene said, his hands still shaking. 

“Well, if it’s dislocated, we can just pop it back in,” Daryl said, but Eugene was shaking his head. He then grabbed your arm tight. 

“We have to get out of here,” He said, his eyes boring into yours. 

“Eugene…” you tried, but he wasn’t having it. 

“The herd that followed us here is on its way back,” he said and you looked up at Jesus with cautious eyes. His own were flicking back to the entrance of the barn. “Those Walkers ain’t normal, (Y/N).”

“What do you mean?” you asked. 

“When they passed us by, we could hear them. They were… _whispering_ to each other,” Eugene said, looking back and forth between all of you. 

_“Whispering?”_ you echoed, a chill running up your spine.

“I know how it sounds, but Rosita heard it as well. Trust me, those weren’t no normal growls and grumbles.”

“We need to get him back,” you said. “Right now.” Daryl was agreeing when suddenly Dog began barking. Eugene froze and when you looked out the window and saw the Walkers converging on the barn, you nearly tripped over your own feet. That was impossible. You said as much. 

“They’ve got us cut off,” Daryl said. “We gotta go around them, get back to the horses and the bike,” Daryl said as Jesus and Aaron pulled Eugene to his feet. “(Y/N), you’re on our six,” he said and you nodded, already feeling the blood rush through you.

As the four of your hobbled towards where you had tied up the mounts, the herd never slowed and they never turned. The adrenaline that was pumping was slowly turning into pure fear. None of this was making any sense. Sneaking through the woods, you watched as the Walkers stumbled down the main road as you dragged Eugene along. 

Reaching a crossroads, Jesus got Eugene to rest against an abandoned car as you spread out, trying to see where the Walkers were coming from. “It doesn’t make any sense. They shouldn’t have doubled back like that. And they definitely shouldn’t have followed us all the way to the barn,” Jesus said and you shook your head, trying to understand as well. 

“I do have a theory to posit,” added Eugene, “the Walkers are evolving.”

“Bullshit,” you said. “Walkers are _dead_ , they are _already_ evolved. That’s how they can even fucking walk around in the first place.”

“They’re not dead in any sense that makes sense,” Eugene challenged. “It takes an impact to the cranium to stop them, which _means_ the brain is alive, degraded as it may be. And if it’s alive, it can change. Maybe even start to remember things, too, like how to talk.”

“And what? _Hunt?”_

“Possibly,” Eugene said and you never wanted to scream so much in your life. This was not the trip you had envisioned and it was quickly turning into a full-blown horror movie. 

“They’re right on our asses!” Aaron said as he came running from the trees. 

“We need our damn horses,” you said to Daryl. 

“You have to leave me behind,” Eugene said, clutching at his leg. “I’m slowing you down and tiring you out. Every time we stop, the Dead get closer.”

“Eugene, shut up!” you snapped. “No one is gettin’ left behind. We came out here to find you and bring you home. Not to sacrifice your ass to some mutant herd of Walkers.” 

“The numbers actually work for us,” Jesus interjected. “We can split up. You two get him back to the horses. I’ll wait for the herd to get here, then I’ll draw them off in the other direction. Then I’ll ditch them and meet you back at the Hilltop.”

“Splitting up is never a good idea, dammit!” you said. “We work better together and you know it. When has splitting up _ever_ worked?”

“They’re right,” Aaron said, agreeing with you.

“If anyone stays, it’s gonna be me,” Daryl said and when you went to argue, he shot you down. “Ya need to keep Eugene safe. I’m better on my own. Go! I’ll turn the herd, you keep him safe!” Aaron and Jesus began to drag Eugene away and you reluctantly followed as Daryl ran off with Dog by his side. 

* * *

You weren’t sure what Daryl was using to pull the herd, but it didn’t seem like it was working. The herd kept on your tail as the three of you hauled Eugene across the barren landscape. The fog was setting in and visibility was low as you picked your way across fallen trees and branches. 

Eugene was screaming in pain with every jostle between Jesus and Aaron as you walked ahead with the useless flashlight. “Come on, come on,” Jesus urged, as you came to a fence. 

“They’re still on us,” Aaron swore as you shone the light around. You couldn’t even see the outlines of their bodies as they stumbled through the dark. Thunder rumbled overhead and lightning lit up the sky, throwing shadows everywhere. 

“Paul…” you said, your voice slightly shaky. 

“Come on,” he said. “We gotta go.” Jesus grabbed Eugene again and began dragging him along the fence. You ran ahead, keeping your weapon raised when you finally found a parting in the wall. 

“Here!” you yelled as they came up behind you. Jesus knew what you were thinking immediately. 

“Yes, yes! We can use the break as a chokepoint. Slow them down,” he said with a grunt. You and Jesus jumped through and then helped Eugene over the crumbling stone, trying to keep the weight off his bad leg as much as possible. When you realized it was a cemetery you had dropped into, you almost ran back out.

However, with the growls only growing louder, you pressed on. “Follow the wall,” you said. “The last thing we need is to get lost in this.”

“Find a gate, (Y/N),” Aaron said as Walkers began crashing through the chokepoint. You were then reminded of the night the tree crashed through the wall. The first night you fought _next_ to Negan instead of _against_ him. His face and the promise you had made him was the only thing that pushed you through that graveyard.

You tried to clear a path as you made it to the other side when you finally found the gate. “There!” you shouted as you ran to it, but when you tried to open it, it wouldn’t move. _“Shit!”_ you swore, kicking at the dirt that had buried your escape route. 

“(Y/N)!” Aaron called. 

“It’s stuck!” you cried. All four of you backed up to the wall as the Walkers approached.

Jesus got Eugene to lead against the wall as he drew his sword. You and Aaron also took up defensive positions, ready to fight through it. With a crash of thunder, loud enough to deafen giants, the Dead fell upon you. 

It was a flurry of swords and legs as you kicked out and slashed down on the Walkers. Heads toppled, bodies crumbled, and dark blood stuck to your face and boots. You could see both Aaron and Jesus fighting alongside you, taking out their fair share of Dead, but they were still coming and you were barely making a dent. 

Eugene took care of his own as he balanced on one leg and you went low. Using your blades, you cut them off at the knees, spinning the blades to enter their skulls after. Ducking under one, you slid your knife into another, and so on. Aaron and Jesus worked as a perfect team, much like you and Daryl. Aaron grabbed a Walker, throwing it towards Paul who spun it around to land against a headstone. With a downward kick, Jesus crushed its brains into nothing. 

Suddenly, a sound echoed across the graveyard, a sound that chilled you to your soul. It was whispering and it sounded as if it were coming from _everywhere_. You and Jesus looked at each other in fear as Eugene began to shake again. Raising your knives, you were prepared to go down swinging at the invisible threat. 

However, it seemed as if the universe had other plans. “Eugene!” yelled a voice that you instantly recognized as Michonne’s. You could see her arrive at the gate, her hands braced against it as she fought to open it. 

“The gate is buried!” you said as you ran over, trying to give her a hand. “We can’t get out!”

“I need you to push back,” Michonne said as you and Eugene braced yourself against the gate, forcing it back. Just then, out of the shadows came Magna and Yumiko. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Earning our keep!” Magna shot back as they began digging. Finally, the gate was freed and you pushed it open, stumbling out first. 

“Get him out of here!” Jesus was yelling at Aaron who was running to help Eugene. Getting back on study legs, you ran back toward the gate, trying to push past Yumiko. Through the bars, you could see Jesus slashing away with his sword, fighting like the warrior he was. It was mesmerizing. 

“Paul!” you shouted. “Come on!” He met your eyes and then began heading back to the fence

And that is when everything went wrong. 

Just as a Walker dragged itself across Jesus’ path, Paul swung, but the Walker ducked. In a single movement, the man who you weren’t so sure was actually Dead, twisted around and then plunged a blade right into Jesus’ back. He went still and then you watched in horror as his body fell to the ground. 

_“No!”_ Aaron screamed as he and the others ran back through the gate, their weapons raised. Michonne pulled her katana and you followed her, tears springing in your eyes. You yelled in fury as more armed Dead came running at you, blades in their hands. All you saw was red as you slashed at them. 

A bolt came from behind a headstone as Daryl joined the fight, taking more of them down. Michonne slashed with her sword while Yumiko fired arrows. The bloody battle was over in a manner of seconds, but the pain was very real. You and Aaron collapsed to Jesus’ side and you let out a scream so loud, you thought it might have been louder than the thunder itself.

Your best friend was dead.

Daryl then leaned over and picked up something off one of the corpses. When he lifted it up for all of you to see there were only more questions than answers. It was a mask, made of the skin of the Dead and someone had been wearing it.

“What _are_ they?” Michonne asked. You looked at Daryl and he at you and for the first time since knowing him, you had no idea what he was thinking, but you did know one thing. 

He was scared. You all were scared.

* * *

Miles away, in the darkness of a cell, an iron door of a cage was left open…


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan goes home, Jesus is brought home, and a whisperer is taken captive. What happens when Negan starts to see how the world is emptier without the one he cares for and how does the reader react to coming face to face with the daughter of their new enemy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALL OFFICIAL DIALOG FROM SERIES IS PROPERTY OF AMC
> 
> Warning: Swearing
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Unhinged” by Nick Jonas
> 
> Note: As I mentioned before we will be getting two different POVs for the next couple of parts, but they then will interact again soon. we need a look into their heads again and thus, we enter the war. THIS ONE IS SO LONG. We flip flop a bit, but its all for story tellin purposes.

Alexandria was a ghost town at night, but Negan moved through it easily. 

The last time he had been out on the vacant streets, you had been by his side. Now, it was just a dark street with closed doors and a feeling that something different was in the air.

As he wandered through Alexandria, his thoughts were on you. What would you think if you saw him right now? He had promised that he was going to be waiting for you, but when the opportunity presented itself, Negan felt a draw to the world beyond his concrete box.

He wondered where you were or if you even made it to Hilltop safely. There was a part of him that wanted to take a detour to where his mind was telling him to go. He figured he could just skim the perimeter of Hilltop to see if you were there. However, from his many moments of overhearing Aaron and Gabriel talk outside his cell, he knew how much security was around Maggie’s former homestead. 

The thought of you had him heading to the Grimes house. He knew that Michonne was gone and that the kids would be with Gabriel. It was lucky that nobody bothered to lock their doors anymore. The people of Alexandria were safe considering the big bad wolf was locked up…until now. And while Negan felt anger towards his jailers, violence was the last thing on his mind. So, instead of burning down walls or taking revenge, he took the time to wander through the house. 

He could see little things here and there that had once been Carl’s, trinkets that were too old to be Judith’s or RJ’s. There wasn’t anything out that was once Rick’s, but Negan figured that Michonne would keep that in her bedroom for just her. 

Negan had no intention of crossing that line. 

Instead, he found himself in the doorway of another bedroom. Hanging on a small hook by the door was a compass. Gently, he picked it up and turned it over in his hands. Etched into the metal were the initials “JG”. He smiled softly at that and then looped the compass around his neck. 

Not trusting that the community was going to stay silent for long and with the sunrise on the horizon, Negan ducked back outside, grabbing some laundry that hung on a line close by. Shoving a cap on his head to hopefully obscure his face from afar, he searched for a way out. 

The sun was just rising over the trees when Negan grabbed a shovel as he headed to a portion of the wall that was behind an empty house. Staring up at the wall, Negan took one more second to think about what he was about to do, but then he remembered your face as you watched him through those infernal bars. With a huff, Negan threw the shovel over the wall and then began to climb.

“I thought you were smarter than this,” a small voice came from below him. Negan froze and then slowly turned to see a pajama-clad Judith Grimes. In her hands was her daddy’s gun and it was aimed right at Negan. “I guess not.” 

“You’re not gonna shoot me, kid,” Negan said, looking down at her. 

“I will, I’ll do it,” Judith said but Negan could see her arms shaking from trying to hold up the colt python. 

“I’m not going back. So you just pull that trigger if that’s what you’re gonna do, little lady. How ‘bout this? How 'bout I go my way, you go yours, and we never see each other again?”

“How about you come down and I don’t put a bullet in you?” Judith offered and it was quick, but Negan saw so much of Carl in her then.

“You know, when your mom and dad… when they locked me up, they told me I was gonna be good for something, that I would help people see that things could change,” Negan said.

“Haven’t you done that?” Judith asked.

“Sure, but all the good shit happened to everyone _else_. I’m just rottin’ away in that box and I don’t think I can do it anymore.”

“What about (Y/N)?” Judith asked. Negan sighed, expecting this. 

“What about them?”

“They’re gonna come back and find you gone. Don’t you think they deserve better than that?” she asked with a frown. 

“They deserve better than me,” Negan said. 

“I don’t think that’s up to you,” Judith said. 

“Judith…” Negan began, but she wasn’t done. 

“No! I heard what you said to them. You promised to be here when they got back.”

“People break promises all the time.”

“Not to people they care about,” she argued. Negan knew she was right, but he had made up his mind. 

“I can’t be locked up anymore, kid. Who knows, maybe I’ll see them again someday but it will be on my terms, not your mom’s.” Judith frowned but then dropped the gun, letting it hang by her side. “You’re not letting me go. You’re just not seeing me leave,” he tried to reason. 

“You know, there’s nothing out there for you. For anyone,” Judith said. 

“You know me better than anyone’s known me in a very long time. So… I promise… I promise you that I’m not gonna hurt anyone. Even if they try to hurt me, I promise you, I won’t hurt them. But… I gotta go, kid. I have to figure some stuff out.” 

“What do I tell (Y/N)?” she asked and Negan’s heart sank. 

“Nothing,” he said. 

“That’s not fair,” Judith whispered.

“I know,” Negan said and they looked at each other for a moment before she took a few steps back and she nodded. “Thanks, kid.” Negan began to climb again when Judith finally noticed the compass. 

“Hey, were you in my room?” she asked.

“You want it back?” Negan asked her, holding out the trinket. Judith shook her head after thinking about it. 

“Keep it. It’ll help you find your way,” she said and then raised her gun again. “But if I see you again, I’ll shoot.” Negan grinned at her as he continued to climb. 

“Yeah, I would.”

* * *

The road beneath your feet felt wrong.

Everything _around_ you felt wrong and every little sound had you jumping. You were all still shaken about what had happened in the graveyard and you could still hear that horrific whispering. It was like someone had dragged ice up your spine and you couldn’t get warm again.

As you made the trek back to the horses, Aaron and Daryl carried Jesus’ body as you helped Michonne with Eugene. Magna and Yumiko were ahead with their weapons drawn keeping an eye out for any more of the freaks with the masks.

The thunderstorm had been hard enough and then hearing Aaron scream after Jesus had been killed was even worse. It still rolled through your head alongside the whispering.

“What are we supposed to do?” you asked Michonne.

“Keep moving, get back to the horses, and get back to Hilltop,” she assured you.

“Who the hell would do this?” you asked.

“Someone who ain’t right,” Daryl said from behind you.

“You think there’s more?” Yumiko asked, her bow held out in front of her as she surveyed the area.

“Yeah, I do,” Daryl said as he readjusted Jesus’ body.

“Just keep movin’,” Michonne reminded everyone and you plowed on ahead, helping Eugene keep off his knee. It was swelling up even more and he needed to get to Siddiq. It took a bit longer to reach the horses, but eventually, Magna and Yumiko were taking the fence down and helping you to get Eugene up on the saddle.

Aaron and Daryl laid Jesus over one of the other horses while Yumiko and Magna rode the other. You, Michonne, Daryl, and Aaron walked alongside the animals, keeping your eyes on the woods as you did. Everyone was nervous and everyone was on edge. Daryl kept a bolt loaded in his bow and you kept noticing Michonne reaching back to touch her katana. Your own weapons had been lost in the fight, but you now had a new one that rested on your hip.

It was Jesus’ sword.

After you managed to get Jesus’ body off the ground, Aaron had picked up his blade as you all began to run from the cemetery. When you were finally clear, Aaron had passed you the sword without a word.

You had been hesitant to take the blade at first. Not because of whose it was, but because you figured Aaron would be the one to keep it. However, there was a look in his eyes that said more than anything he could put into words. And so, you carefully unbuckled the scabbard from Jesus’ belt and slung it on your own, sheathing the blade.

It swung on your hip now, your hand occasionally brushing against the pommel. Thinking back to the conversation you had with Judith about wanting a blade of your own now made your stomach turn. This was not the way you wanted to gain a new weapon. It felt both alien and right to carry Paul’s sword. 

You were now determined to use it to take down as many of the murderers in masks as you possibly could. Whether they knew it or not, they had just declared war.

As Michonne spoke to Aaron behind you, Daryl caught up to you, matching your stride. He reached out and placed his hand on your shoulder. You reached up and held onto it, letting him ground you.

“It’s good we’re bringin’ him back,” Daryl said.

“I know,” you said with a nod.

“I know ya don’t like small talk,” he said.

“You’re right, I don’t,” you agreed, keeping your eyes forward.

“But, I’m worried about ya,” he admitted.

“I’m alright, Daryl,” you said. “Though, I think that may be the shock.”

“He didn’t deserve to go out like that. Not Jesus,” Daryl said and you knew he was hurting. Jesus and Daryl had an unspoken bond. Both were warriors who cared for the people they protected and they had become quite close. Dixon wasn’t one to be open with his emotions, but you could tell that he was in pain.

“I feel too exposed out here,” you admitted.

“Ya wanna go home?” Daryl asked, but you shook your head.

“No, not yet. I mean, yeah, I _do_ want to get home, but this is more important.” Daryl was watching you and he could see something else was bothering you.

“What have I missed back in Alexandria?” he asked suddenly. “Somethin’ is different with ya. What’s goin’ on?”

“Not now, okay, D? Not now,” you pleaded.

“I don’t want us keepin’ secrets,” Daryl said and you nodded.

“It’s not a secret, I just don’t have the energy to explain.”

“Long story?” he asked.

“Somethin’ like that,” you agreed and he turned his eyes back onto the road, accepting your answer. It was only a few minutes later that Daryl spoke up again.

“I’m gonna try to convince Tara to let them stay,” Daryl said and you knew who he was talking about. You glanced up at Yumiko and Magna with gratitude. While you all had lost Jesus, without them and without Michonne, you could have lost everyone. You could have died too and all you could think about was what would happen to Negan.

It felt wrong to be thinking about him at that moment. Your best friend was gone, but all you wanted was Negan’s strong arms and the comforting sound of his voice. You needed your person and it made you feel a bit sick to think about him that way while walking beside someone who loathed him.

Negan’s hazel eyes lit up your mind like beacons of hope and you were willing to drown in them even if it meant losing the people closest to you. It was selfish and a bit insane, but nobody’s touch would offer you more comfort at that moment more than Negan’s.

When Michonne sped up to walk alongside Daryl, you fell back to walk with the horse that Jesus’ body was laid across. Aaron walked on the other side, keeping his eyes forward.

Michonne and Daryl were speaking about Rick and the sound of his name sent a jolt into your chest. You couldn’t help but wonder what he would do in your current situation. You also wondered what he would do about Negan in general. Would he have let him out of the cage more than the others? Or would he just leave him to rot like the others?

While you were all feeling the loss, Eugene was feeling a more complicated emotion.

Guilt.

“I’m sorry that we had to be in that graveyard,” Eugene said from atop his horse. “If I had just crawled out of that damn barn and went to find you—”

“Eugene, don’t,” you said, interrupting him. “This was _not_ your fault. The only people we need to be blaming are those psychopaths in the damn masks. _They_ killed Jesus, not you. Who knows who they are. They could have been watching us for weeks and we wouldn’t have known. Do not put this on yourself,” you said and then reached for his hand. Eugene reached down and held onto it tightly, tears pricking at his eyes.

Squeezing his hand tight, you tried to reassure him that you were there for him and that he was not alone in any of this. If anyone should feel guilty it was you. You had turned your back on Paul, had let him go and fight the Walkers alone. However, you were trying to remind yourself that the situation was one that nobody could have predicted. Still, it felt as if there was ice in your heart.

Suddenly, Dog became alert. His bark echoed around you and Daryl immediately raised his bow as Michonne pulled her sword. Your hand rested on the foreign weapon on your hip as you caught the motion that Dog had picked up.

Walkers were moving through the trees, but you weren’t so sure they were alone this time. “Is that the living kind or original recipe?” Eugene asked and if it was any other time you may have laughed. However, now, you were silent.

“Let’s find out,” Daryl said and then motioned for you and Michonne to move. You followed your leader, drawing your blade. The small herd was moving across a bridge. Yumiko and Magna secured the mounts while Daryl positioned himself at the end of the bridge, his crossbow raised.

You remained on the other side, Michonne adjacent to you as the others remained hidden too. As the Dead stumbled towards Daryl, he aimed and fired a bolt at one of their legs. When they kept walking, he reloaded and tried again. The second bolt found its target and a shout of pain lit up the bridge.

The masked man went down clutching his leg and the Walkers fell upon him, biting into his fresh, and very much alive flesh. While the Walkers converged, two more individuals in masks turned their attention to the other end of the bridge. One pulled a blade, but they didn’t get very far as an arrow cut through the air and embedded itself in the assailant’s forehead.

You turned to see Yumiko standing there with her bow raised and a murderous look in her eye. When the last mask went to go for her, you and Michonne moved at the same time. You both raised your swords, crossing them into an “X” to block her escape. When the killer drew their weapon, Daryl moved in.

“Drop it!” He yelled. The other hesitated for a second before throwing the knife down and getting on their knees, raising their hands. Yumiko and Magna moved to take out the rest of the Walkers while you, Daryl, and Michonne approached the shaking figure on the ground.

Daryl didn’t hesitate to reach for the back of their head and pull the disgusting mask from their head. When their face was revealed, you took a step back.

It was just a kid, a teenage girl.

“Please, _please_ don’t kill me,” the girl said as she looked up at Daryl with terrified eyes. She was filthy and looked as if she had been walking the Earth with the Dead for _years_. It was unnerving. Even more so, she couldn’t have been that much older than Carol’s son, perhaps even the same age. 

“How many?” Daryl spat.

“Please… you killed them all. It’s just me now,” she said, her eyes narrowing in on Daryl’s weapon. Michonne surged forward then and placed her sword against the girl’s throat. 

“I don’t believe you!” Michonne shot, but you knocked the sword back. Michonne looked at you in shock. 

“She’s a fucking _kid_ , Michonne,” you said.

“She’s also a killer, _(Y/N)_ ,” Michonne argued, pointing her sword back at the kid. Behind you, more Walkers began to approach from the East and it would soon be too much to handle and keep the horses safe. Not to mention keeping an eye on the scared teenager at your feet. Daryl then made the call. 

“We ain’t got time for this, we’re takin’ her with us,” Daryl said as he roughly grabbed the kid’s arm and hauled her to her feet. Michonne shot you a look as she followed after. 

“Shit,” you muttered under your breath, knowing you were never going to hear the end of it. 

* * *

Negan stood in a clearing, the grass at his feet dead from years of heat and the Dead trampling it. 

He knew where he was, he knew the second he turned off the main road. Years before he would have thought about this particular spot with a smug smile. Now, all he wanted to do was be sick.

And so he did. 

The air felt too hot and every image and sound from that bloody night had come back. He knew their names now. Glenn Rhee and Abraham Ford. Gabriel had made sure that he knew who they were when he first visited him in the cell. From faceless corpses to actual people, Glenn and Abraham haunted him and he took every abusive shriek from the other side as he soaked in his guilt.

You _had_ been in the clearing that night. Though you had barely been conscious since Dwight had given you quite the beating when you tried to stop him from hurting Daryl. Not long ago, you admitted that you barely remembered him talking to everyone in the lineup. You remembered Glenn and Abraham dying and the screams of your family, but not much else. He didn’t know if he was grateful for that or not. 

Perhaps if you could remember everything from that night, then you wouldn’t be wasting your time with him now. It was always so odd for you to talk to him as if the first time you had truly noticed each other was when you first visited his cell. The truth was, he _had_ noticed you that night in the very clearing he was kneeling in. 

He didn’t know what it was that made him look at you twice, but there was a resolve in your eyes even as they glassed over. He could tell that somewhere behind the disorientation and fury was someone who would be the last one standing.

He still believed that. Though, he didn’t think you would be much of a survivor with a failed Savior by your side. At least, not until he knew who he had become and the best way he knew how to figure that out was a test and the new world was the biggest one there was.

* * *

Returning to Hilltop was not the celebration you had anticipated when you had set out. 

What started as a rescue mission turned into a funeral procession and as the large gates opened, silence filled the air as you walked with Daryl and the others. Tara and Enid were coming out of Barrington when Enid gasped as she finally saw what and who was on the back of the horse Aaron led. 

Stopping right before the Colonial house, Aaron approached Enid who ran to hug him, burying her face into his chest. He was shaking as he held her. Tara stepped towards Jesus’ body and placed her hand on his back, dipping her head in sorrow. 

You took a step back, not wanting to intrude on the moment. You also made sure Paul’s sword was out of sight. It felt wrong to bring it into Hilltop when it was separated from its owner.

Former owner. 

Instead, you focused on the other task at hand. Daryl hauled the girl off the horse, the blindfold he had put on still tightly in place. She stumbled on the ground as he righted her and began dragging her towards the cellar that you knew led to Hilltop’s jail cells. You followed closely by, ignoring the people’s calls for answers. Daryl yelled back a few but kept walking. 

He yanked open the cellar doors and shoved her down the steps. You followed him and Michonne, your hand now resting on your weapon. You could hear Tara speaking to Tammy above ground, but you ignored her. 

“Daryl?” a voice came and you recognized it immediately. When Henry saw you, his eyes were filled with worry. “(Y/N)? What’s going on?” 

“Jesus is dead,” you told him as Daryl tossed the girl into a cage on the other side of the cellar. 

“What?” Henry asked. You didn’t have the energy to respond to the kid as you slipped away towards Daryl and Michonne. You didn’t even want to ask why the kid was down in the cells in the first place. 

Daryl was glaring down at the kid as she stared up at him with those same terrified eyes. 

“No more bullshit,” he sneered. “Yer gonna talk or I’ll finish what _she_ started,” he said pointing to Michonne. The girl met your eyes through the bars, but you just faded back into the shadows and watched. 

* * *

Negan didn’t remember the world feeling this empty. 

Then again, anytime he was out in it, he had an army at his back. Now, he only had himself. He could practically hear your voice in his head saying something like, _“Come on, now you’re just bein’ dramatic.”_

That thought comforted him as he came across a building that seemed to be Walker-free. With a quick shove, he broke in through the front door and began making his way through the shop. Immediately, he clocked it as too small and that you would hate it. You had only briefly mentioned your fear of small spaces, but it was one of the small details that he had never forgotten. 

When he spotted a leather jacket, a laugh flew from his throat, and with a smile, he slid it across his shoulders. “Damn Teach, would you look at _that?_ Fits like a glove,” He said quietly. Shaking off the thoughts that were threatening to overwhelm him, he moved further into the shop. 

When a gnarled hand grabbed at his ankle, Negan swore in surprise but brought his boot down on the Walker’s head before it could take a bite out of his leg. Then, of course, because his luck was turning for the worse, the storage room door broke open and more Walkers flooded into the small aisles.

Negan ran for the back door and slammed his body into it. Scrambling to get back outside, he wrenched the door open and shoved it behind him just as the Walkers reached for him. _“Jesus Christ,”_ he swore, and then finally, he got it to shut. 

Negan glared at the door as he tried to catch his breath. He hadn’t had to fight Walkers for over six years and he had almost forgotten how it felt to go up against the things. He thought back to the night when the wall had come down and he had seen you fight with your blades. You had been a powerhouse and one that he had no intention of ever going up against. He definitely understood then why you were one of Alexandria’s main protectors. 

Letting that image wash over him, he finally turned his face towards the direction he was always heading.

He was going home.

* * *

The girl was still begging, but Daryl wasn’t having it. 

“How many more?” he asked for the third time. 

“They’re all dead,” the girl said as tears streamed down her face. “My family’s dead. Please just stop.” The begging was starting to get to you, but you couldn’t bring yourself to ask Daryl to stop. You knew that you needed answers. However, no matter how angry you were, you hated seeing a kid in a cage. Just another thing you had in common with Negan.

“Not until ya start answering our questions. Your name. Start with your name.”

“I told you, I don’t have one. None of us do. None of us did. That’s not how it worked,” she said, trying to make him understand. 

“How _did_ it work? Why do you wear their skins?” you asked, finally stepping out of the shadows. “What’s the point?”

“It’s what we did to live. That’s… That’s all we wanted to do. _Live_ ,” she said, but you still couldn’t understand why. Since the start of the Apocalpyse, there was only one constant rule and that was to stay away from the Walkers. How these… _people_ could willingly surround themselves with them is something you couldn’t comprehend.

“You’re saying you had to do this?” Michonne shot back. 

“You wouldn’t understand,” the girl whimpered. 

“Then make us understand. What the _hell_ were you doing?” Michonne tried again.

“We… We were just trying to see if they were good people, too. But then you attacked us, and now they’re dead. They’re all dead. And I don’t have anything!”

“What did your people know about us? Do they know about this place?” Michonne asked, glaring down at the girl.

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything. They didn’t tell me anything!” she yelled as the sobs continued. “Please stop asking me. Just leave me alone, please. Please just leave me alone,” she begged and Daryl threw his hands up in exasperation. 

As Michonne and Daryl slammed the cage door behind them, he looked at you and you knew what he was asking. You nodded and leaned back against the wall to watch over the girl as Daryl led Michonne outside to speak to her.

After a moment of hearing the soft cries of the girl across from you, you finally stepped forward. She backed away as you approached her. Resting your arms on the bars, you stared down at her calmly. You were well-versed in speaking to someone from the other side of a cell, but this was not Negan and you were not in the mood to play games. 

“I don’t care about your name,” you began. “That not what’s important right now. To be honest with you, I am struggling with not breaking this door open and strangling you.” She gulped at that. “However, I am not someone who kills kids. Though, I can’t say the same for my friends that just left. You see, kid, we are incredibly protective over our people and we don’t let monsters hurt them.” 

“I didn’t—”

“I’m not done,” you stopped her. “I know all about monsters. I know how they think, how they act, and I know how to make them talk.” She was staring up at you with wide eyes and you could feel the fear that was radiating off of her. 

“(Y/N)…” Henry interjected. 

“Shut up, Henry!” you shot back, turning your glare on him as he sunk back into his cell. 

“I never wanted to hurt anyone! You attacked us!”

“We were killing _Walkers!”_ you shouted back. “And in case you damn well forgot, _you_ were the ones hunting _us_.” 

“This is just how the world works now,” she whispered. 

“I know damn well how the world works. You’re a _child_ , you may be a part of some kind of cult or whatever the hell you wanna call your _family_ , but you are still. A. Child. We’ve all seen the way this world is, we’ve fought for our lives here, won wars, and lost friends. Now, I got someone waitin’ for me and I ain’t about to waste my time on you and your bullshit. I stand by my code that I don’t want to kill you, but make no mistake, if I don’t start gettin’ some damn answers, I _will_ keep your ass down here. Even if that means you never see daylight again.”

* * *

“Home, sweet home,” Negan said as he looked up at the factory that was once his kingdom. 

A pipe was resting on his shoulder as he smiled up at the building, feeling a shred of his former self trying to breakthrough. If he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine that there were people on the other side of those walls waiting to welcome him home. 

However, he knew the truth. The Saviors were gone, his kingdom had fallen, and all he was now was a washed-up leader with a rusty pipe. From the corner of his eye, he could see a few Walkers staggering towards him. With a wide smile, he swung the pipe and cracked the first skull. Dark blood sprayed as the creature hit the ground and then, he was fired up. 

As more and more of the Dead converged on him, he got back into the rhythm that he thought he had lost. It was exhilarating to just let go and take out all his frustration on the Dead. He had been feeling quite overwhelmed and angry the past few months, more so than usual and he had been so afraid that he would lash out at you and scare you off. 

By the time he was out of breath and thoroughly proud of himself, Negan strutted towards the front doors. However what he was met with was not a shrine to his empire, but a sunken graveyard of failure. 

The entirety of the factory floor was flooded and if he hadn’t known the building like the back of his hand, he wouldn’t have thought this was the same place he had stood above proudly seven years before. Negan leaned against the railing, hanging his head.

None of it was right. 

He could see bodies of fallen Walkers submerged in the corner, old equipment from before used to barricade doors, and even evidence that multiple fights had broken out. Negan wasn’t fully aware of what became the Sanctuary during the year after the war. Laura had told him once that Daryl was overseeing it but that he was rarely there and when he was, he always wanted to leave. 

Negan didn’t blame him. Daryl had been through hell and back at the Sanctuary. Another thing he wasn’t all that proud of. Truth was, Negan _liked_ Daryl, he even respected him, but back then, he liked power even more. Just thinking about the kneeling and the killing now made Negan ashamed. 

Not all of it, but most of it. He never felt guilty for what he did to the Monroe boy. Even you had agreed that Spencer had deserved it and nobody missed him all that much. He probably didn’t deserve a full evisceration, but he never felt bad about killing him. Then there were the moments that he killed to protect his people, the incidents that happened before he met Rick. 

However, then there were the moments that he had learned about _after_ the war. The killing of the child at Hilltop, the massacre at Oceanside, and of course, the slaughter of Jadis’ people at the dump. Simon had been very busy. Negan thought his Second was simply spreading fear, but he had never known just how blood-soaked his name had become. 

“I am Negan” was now sounding more like a curse than a mantra. 

As Negan walked through the ruins of his former home, he was met with a loud bang as a Walker threw itself at one of the doors. Negan recognized them immediately. "Big Richie, is that you? Look at _you_. Loyal to the end,” Negan said as he looked at the Dead man. 

He moved on, heading out onto the main floor where he felt the true loss of everything. Most importantly, though, he was missing you. He didn’t know if you were home yet or if Judith had told anyone what happened. 

If he was being honest with himself and he always was, he didn’t care about a cage or a warden in the form of Father Gabriel. He just wanted _you_. Leaving Alexandria, breaking his promise, all of it was a mistake and he now hated himself for it.

His hand found the compass around his neck and he flipped it over, rubbing his hands over the initials carved into the back. He sighed, closing his eyes as he thought about the last thing he had said to you. 

“I’ll be waiting,” he whispered to himself. That was what he said to you and you had believed him. _“Fuck,”_ he swore as took a last look at the fallen kingdom. He had made up his mind and there was no going back this time. 

He didn’t care about Michonne or Daryl or even if Rosita wanted to skill him alive. He only cared about you and that alone had him walking from the Sanctuary and turning his back on his old life in favor of the new one he wanted to build with you. 

As he spotted a motorcycle, a realization hit him like a truck. He smiled and the rusty pipe in his hand fell from his grip, the sound echoing around the yard like the final ring of a church bell on Sunday.

“I’m comin’ home, (Y/N).”

* * *

Michonne was leaving. **  
**

You knew that she had too. It was too dangerous for people back home in Alexandria to not know what was going on. However, you had decided to stay just a bit longer. “Are you sure?” she asked you as you walked through Hilltop.

“I need to be here to get answers and I don’t know, try to get Daryl to keep his head on straight,” you said. 

“What about Negan?” Michonne asked and for the first time, her tone wasn’t that hostile when speaking his name.

“He knew I was coming out here. I’ll see him when I see him.”

“Should I tell him what’s going on?” Michonne asked. You thought about it for a moment before nodding. 

“Probably for the best. He’s gonna hear people talking about it anyway. Hell, maybe he’s heard about these freaks before. I know he traveled for a bit before settling at the Sanctuary.” Michonne nodded. 

“I’ll ask him,” she said. 

“Something isn’t adding up with this girl,” you admitted. 

“What are you thinking?” 

“This kind of pack mentality, the no-names, the vicious nature of these people,” you said, trying to wrap your mind around it all. “I don’t think she’s telling us the truth when she said we killed them all. If my instincts are right, there is a whole herd of masks out there. They may have been out there for a while too.” 

“This is not good,” Michonne said, rubbing at her brow, 

“I’m going to get the answers I need and then I’ll come home and tell you what I think,” you said. 

“Alright, I think that’s the best idea.”

“Go, Michonne, get back to your kids,” you said and she smiled softly, reaching out to give you a hug before going over to Daryl to tell him the same thing. Your eyes scanned the community around you and you were starting to get nervous. 

Tara had told you that Alden and Luke had gone out to look for you and they hadn’t returned. There were thoughts that were nagging at you that said that they were in trouble and you couldn’t shake them. Alden was a good friend and he was special to Enid. You couldn’t handle losing him so soon after Jesus. And Luke was important to Yumiko and Magna, two people who you now trusted with your life. 

When Jesus was finally buried, you stood at the back, gripping his weapon. Aaron stood next to you, his hand wrapped around your shoulder as you watched the man you both cared for be placed in the ground. It was a silent ceremony and as the grave was filled in, Enid was nowhere to be found. But you knew where she was, she was with Glenn. 

Enid always went to his grave when someone had died and you were probably the only one who knew that besides Alden. You didn’t mention it as Aaron hugged you goodbye and followed the rest of Alexandrians from Hilltop with Michonne leading them home. 

Instead of participating in the moment of silence with the rest of Hilltop, you headed back down to the cell. Daryl found you down there a few moments later and didn’t say anything. The girl had cowered at your presence when you had entered, but now just watched you with open curiosity.

Daryl was pissed when he barged in, heading straight for her. You didn’t try to stop him. 

“Who are you?” Daryl barked. “Answer the question. You wanna die? Is that it?” he bellowed, but Henry wasn’t having it either. 

“Daryl, what’s your problem?” Henry said. 

“Quiet!” you yelled at the kid and he just slammed his hands against the bars. 

“Do you?” Daryl repeated. “People up there just buried a good man. And they are ready to string you up right now. All I got to do is drag your ass up them steps. How many in your group?” 

“I already told you…” she said but Daryl ripped open the door and grabbed her, throwing her against the bars. 

“How many?” he yelled.

“I don’t know, ten maybe? We wore skins to blend in. We didn’t have names. I mean… I mean, we did, but we didn’t use them!” 

“How long you been out around here?”

“I don’t know. We moved around with the… with the Dead. I mean, the skins made them leave us alone. They protected us, so we protected them.”

“You got a camp? Walls?” you asked.

“Walls don’t keep you safe. Places like this don’t make it. They never make it. That’s how it is. My mom and me, we saw it happen over and over. I… I barely remember the world before all this. But my mom, she told me how it was changing, how we had to change with it, how we needed the dead and each other to keep safe. We’re never alone.”

“Why’d your people kill our people?” Daryl asked. 

“It’s just what we do. Everybody still alive is a threat. It’s us or them.”

“How many people in your group and don’t lie to me!”

“My mom! It’s just my mom,” she said. 

“You said your people were never alone,” you said, narrowing your eyes. The girl’s eyes widened as she was caught in a lie and then Daryl was grabbing her and trying to drag her from the cell. 

“No! No, I told you the truth!”

“I told you what was gonna happen!” Daryl yelled back

“Daryl!” Henry shouted. 

“Shut up!” Daryl snapped at him.

“Please! Let go of me!” the girl begged.

“Daryl, stop!” Henry begged again and you were ready to ship his ass back to the Kingdom right then. 

“Please, Daryl, _please_ don’t kill me, please,” the girl said, and at the sound of his name falling from her lips, he pushed her back into the cell and slammed the door. As Daryl went to yell at Henry, you couldn’t hear anymore. You climbed back to the surface and tried to calm down. 

Daryl wasn’t far behind you. “I don’t believe her,” you said. “What happened with the herd and the graveyard, it was too coordinated.”

“I know,” Daryl said. “Come here.” He led you over to the window that led into the cell where the girl was and he sat down. You joined him and then, you listened. 

“Thank you,” the girl said. 

“What?” Henry responded. 

“For saving me, thank you.” 

“You’re welcome,” he said and then, "I’m Henry.” It was quiet for a moment before she finally responded.

“I’m Lydia.”

* * *

Negan had seen a lot of weird shit in his life, but seeing little Judith Grimes in the middle of the road pointing a gun at him took the cake. 

“Shit!” Negan swore as Judith fired at the bike he rode. He skidded on the road, the bike going into a ditch as he flew off it, landing on his back. Judith ran after him.

“I _told_ you I was gonna shoot you,” Judith said, aiming her weapon on him again. 

“Yeah, you did,” Negan sighed, getting to his feet as he brushed off the dirt from his pants. 

“Why’d you come back?” Judith asked. 

“Because I should have listened to you,” Negan admitted. “There wasn’t anythin’ out there for me.” Judith narrowed her eyes but then shook her head.

“That’s not the full reason,” Judith argued and Negan sighed, crossing his arms. “Tell why you really came back.”

“Judith…” Negan said. 

_“Negan,”_ she shot back and he knew that she wasn’t going to let him move without an answer. Instead of brushing off the girl’s question, Negan knelt down to her level, keeping his eyes on hers. Whatever she saw in his eyes had her dropping the colt and moving closer to him. 

“I don’t care about being locked in a cell if it means that I’m near them,” Negan admitted. “If I can spend only an hour a day with them, it’s worth it because dammit kid, you were always right.” 

“About what?” she asked

Negan reached out and adjusted the brim on her hat as he smiled gently at her. He took a deep breath and then with an open heart said, “I’m in love with (Y/N).”

* * *

As tensions rose, somewhere not too far from Hilltop, Alden and Luke were met with the barrel of a shotgun. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when a rider from Alexandria arrives with news from home? How does the reader react and what does Daryl think of it all. Then, when Alpha arrives at the gates, how will the group react when they discover that their enemy is much larger than they thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song I Wrote To: “Start A War” by Klergy and Valerie Broussard
> 
> Note: Enter Alpha. I promise there will be a reunion in the next part, but whether it will be a nice one…i don’t know. Set during episode 9x11 ″Bounty”.

The next time the doors opened at Hilltop, you expected to see Alden and Luke, but instead, you saw Scott entering on a horse with a concerned look on his face.

You were sitting with Daryl on a table a bit separate from the other residents of Hilltop, trying to brainstorm about what you were going to do with Lydia. 

“What’s he doin’ here?” Daryl asked, nodding his head towards Scott who was dismounting his horse.

“I don’t know…” you said, just as confused. Tara was the one to meet him, gripping his hand tight. After sharing a quick hug, she pointed over at you and Daryl. Scott’s eyes found yours and he gave you a tight-lipped smile. You didn’t like the look of that. Scott squeezed her shoulder before heading your way. Something told you that he wasn’t there for a friendly catch up with distant friends. As he approached, he almost looked worried, you _really_ didn’t like that.

“Hey,” he said and Daryl reached out to grip his hand in a friendly gesture. The two men smiled at each other, but then Scott looked at you and a coldness settled over you. 

“What’s wrong?” you asked. “Is Michonne okay?” The last thing any of you needed was to be ambushed on the road by Lydia’s mother and the rest of her so-called family.

“Michonne is fine,” Scott assured you. “I was on my way here when I ran into them. They caught me up to speed on what happened. I’m on my way to Oceanside to inform Cyndie, and Michonne is going to send a rider to Kingdom. I’m so sorry about Jesus.” You nodded, appreciating his condolences, but you knew there was more.

“Why were you on your way here? What happened at home?” you asked and Scott then began to wring his hands, something he always did when he was nervous. “Scott, tell me.”

“He got out,” Scott said, “Negan, Negan got out of his cell.” And with those words, your world was pulled out from beneath you.

 _“What?”_ you asked, not quite registering what he was saying.

“The door to his cell was left unlocked and he escaped,” he explained and you immediately went to defend yourself, but Scott was ahead of you. “We know it wasn’t you, (Y/N). _Gabriel_ was the last one to see him.” Scott said, but Daryl was visibly confused. You, however, couldn’t keep a single thought in your head before it went away and was replaced by another.

A feeling of almost betrayal washed over you and you nearly felt sick. You shoved it down before you could start tearing up, but it was almost too much. 

Negan had walked out on you. 

“Where’s that son of a bitch now?” Daryl asked, bringing you back into your body.

“That’s the weird thing,” Scott said. “He came _back.“_ Your eyes shot back to his in shock.

 _"Excuse me?”_ you asked. Scott was chuckling under his breath.

“Yeah, confused the hell out of us, too. Just _walked_ back in with Judith and said nothing as she took him back to the cell.”

“What game is he playin’?” Daryl asked, but you couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ , hear the answer. You got up from the table slowly.

“(Y/N),” Scott said, reaching for you. He was one of the people who had really seen the way you were with Negan and so he knew what this news would mean to you. “He’s back now,” Scott assured you, but you didn’t want to hear it. 

“Does that matter?” you shot back. “He still _left_ in the first place, didn’t he?

“I know, but something tells me he wasn’t planning to stay gone long.”

“So, what? He just decided to go for a stroll? Does anyone even know where the hell he went or even how he got over the _damn wall?_ The armory was locked too so he couldn’t have gotten weapons. Unless he was in _my_ house which means I _will be_ killing him as I have told him many times not to touch my damn knives. Then again, he’s very resourceful and smart, but he hasn’t had to kill Walkers in a while. I mean, not since the night when the tree came down. I don’t understand why he would even—”

“(Y/N)!” Scott said as he grabbed you by your shoulders and you jolted in his grip. “Calm down,” he said softly. Scott was looking down at you with understanding in his eyes and it was making you even angrier. You knew that you were rambling, it was something you did when you got overwhelmed.

Negan always said that when you did it, it was as if you were on fast forward. 

"I need to not be here,” you choked out as your heart felt like it was pressing against your ribs. You ignored their calls as you walked away. You didn’t have a destination in mind, but you needed to be alone. 

You found yourself at the stables and jogged up the steps and into the loft. Hay was piled up in the corner as you collapsed against it, bringing your knees up to your chest. You didn’t fight the tears this time. They dripped down your cheeks and onto the damp floor.

You knew he was back. Negan was back home and probably waiting for you, but he had still left. What hurt the most wasn’t the fact that he decided to finally break out, but because you thought that what the two of you had was enough. You knew that he hated being in that cell, but you were going to try to do something about that. There also wasn’t a day that you didn’t think about leaving that door open in hopes that he would be free too, but you also knew that there were too many factors. Michonne would never let him be free and if Maggie had ever found out, Negan would be hunted. 

_“Foolish,”_ you whispered to yourself, scrubbing at your face. After everything you had lost, you thought at least that Negan was your new constant, but now? Now there was that level of uncertainty that just broke your heart. 

“(Y/N)?” Daryl asked as he came up the stairs. You hastily wiped your face as he appeared around the corner. 

“Go away,” you said, not looking at him. 

“Not happenin’,” he said as he took a seat across from you. “Will ya look at me?” he asked and you were still for just a moment before finally turning your eyes back to his. He noticed the expression on your face immediately. “What’s goin’ on? And tell me the truth, no more of this ‘later’ shit.”

“I can’t do this right now,” you said and you were starting to hate the phrase. 

“Well, yer gonna,” Daryl shot back. “Since when do ya lie to me?”

“Since when do you care?” you returned with just as much venom,

 _“Hey,”_ he said shortly. 

“You’ve been _gone_ , Daryl,” you said. “You don’t just get to jump back into my life like this and start demanding things. That’s not how this works.” He narrowed his eyes at you before relaxing into the hay at his back.

“You’re right,” he said. “I have been gone. I left ya, but I can still read ya like a damn book. So, why has this news about Negan got you all upset? Did he do somethin’ to ya? Did he hurt ya?”

“What? No!” you said, trying to diffuse his temper. “Nothin’ like that.”

“Then tell me,” he pleaded. You were trying to force the words out and you knew you had to tell him _something_. Jesus had been understanding, but this was Daryl and while he could always read you, sometimes he was impossible.

“We’ve grown closer,” you finally admitted. “Michonne and Gabriel asked me to speak with him. To make sure that he was still all there in his mind. Whether they had some kind of ulterior motive, I don’t know, but that’s how it started.”

“That’s how _what_ started?” Daryl asked and you could hear some anger in his voice, but he was trying to remain calm for your sake. 

“Do I really have to explain it?” you challenged. 

“Maybe it’ll seem less insane if ya do,” Daryl said and you sighed. 

“I care about him, alright? I fucking _care_ about Negan and he cares about me. I have feelings for the man. Is that what you wanted to hear?” Daryl was frozen as he stared at you. You cautiously looked at the blades in his belt, taking note that he hadn’t grabbed them yet. That seemed to be a good sign. 

“How did this happen?” Daryl simply said. Surprised that he didn’t immediately lash out, you began to tell him that had happened over the past couple of months. You poured your heart out to him and it felt…freeing. Daryl was quiet as you spoke, even moving over to your side so you could lean against him as you explained. 

He didn’t interrupt and he didn’t leave.

He was patient as you told him about everything that had grown between you and Negan. When you mentioned the night when Negan saved Judith, Daryl began to chew on his thumbnail which you knew he only did when he was either nervous or thinking. 

“He _promised_ me that he would be waiting for when I got back,” you finished, your head on his shoulder. 

“He is,” Daryl pointed out softly. 

“Only after he realized he wouldn’t last more than a day outside our walls,” you scoffed.

“How do ya know that?” Daryl asked. “Ya don’t know why he went back, do ya?” You froze and then sat up in confusion. Daryl was looking at you with a stoic expression. “What?”

“Are you _defending_ him?” you asked, surprised. Daryl sighed. 

“Nah, I hate the guy. You and Judith may be the only ones who don’t,” he said. “Doesn’t mean I want ya to be hurt over somethin’ stupid the asshole did, (Y/N). There’s a lot we ain’t know about him. Sometimes I thought he was gonna off himself just for the fun of it. If you’ve been able to get inside that thick skull and ya found somethin’ worth carin’ about, that’s yer business.” You gaped at him.

“Who are you and what have you done with Daryl Dixon?”

“Shut up,” Daryl scoffed.

“I mean it, what the hell? I have been terrified to come and see you because I thought you’d shoot me for even lookin’ at him for more than three seconds.” 

“I’d never shoot ya,” Daryl said. 

“You’d shoot him,” you pointed out. 

“Probably,” he admitted, “but I haven’t seen the son of a bitch since his ass got thrown in there. Yer a grown-ass adult, ya don’t need some kind of blessin’ from any of us. Ya wanna be with him, be with him, but it better be for the right reason. Not just cause ya wanna fix him.”

You were honestly in shock at his words. Perhaps both you and Negan had been too quick to jump the gun on what people would think. 

Then again, maybe Daryl was just trying not to set you off again. 

“Jesus said something similar to me earlier about nobody really knowing Negan beside what he let us see,” you said quietly. 

“Jesus knew?” Daryl asked. 

“I told him when we were looking for Eugene. I guess you and Jesus do know me better than I thought,” you said and then pause. “Knew,” you corrected. 

“He wouldn’t want ya to be sitting here like this,” Daryl said and then his hand drifted to your side where Paul’s sword rested. “M’glad Aaron gave you that.” 

“Why?” you asked. 

“Cause, Jesus knew the kind of person ya are. He recognized the warrior behind everything,” Daryl said. “He was a crazy son of a bitch, but when it came to readin’ people’s character, he was never wrong.” 

“Thanks, D,” you said, grabbing his hand and gripping it tightly.

“Look, I ain’t gonna pretend to understand what yer doin’ with Negan,” he explained, “but I just hope ya don’t forget who he was even if he’s different now.” You nodded, taking his words to heart. You would never forget the monster behind the man. Just as you would never forget who Daryl or Michonne were when you met them. Hell, even your own past haunted you. 

“I haven’t forgotten and I won’t, but I am not going to condemn him forever. If we did that, half the people in our lives wouldn’t be here,” you said. 

“Ya talkin’ about Carol?” he asked with amusement in his eyes. 

“You said it, not me,” you said with a jab to his shoulder. “No matter what we’ve done in the past and _shit_ , I know we’ve done a lot, I just don’t want to use that as a death sentence. I think we’re better than that. We have to be.” Daryl looked thoughtful for a moment before sighing. 

“Fine, I’ll go along with it for now,” he said, “but if he hurts ya and I mean, _really_ hurts ya, I’ll kill him.”

“I’ll let you know if it ever comes to that,” you said and he smiled softly at you. You then reached over and kissed the top of his head while messing his hair. “Thank you.”

“Just stop keepin’ things from me. We’ve been through too much shit together for that to happen.”

“I know and no more secrets. I promise,” you said. 

“Good.”

“Now, what are we gonna do about Lydia?” you asked, trying to divert the conversation. 

“I don’t know. I don’t like that she and Henry seem to be bonding. I don’t trust her,” Daryl admitted. 

“I don’t think we’re supposed to,” you said. Nothing about Lydia screamed trusting. However, after sleeping on it, you began to think that perhaps she was just what you had initially thought: a kid. While you still wanted to smack her at times, you were finally realizing that you have been too quick to judge. 

“Come talk to her with me?” he asked and you took the hand he offered as he hauled you up to your feet. 

* * *

When you went to speak to the girl, hearing about the horror that was her mother was not what you expected. 

After Daryl had yelled at him about him telling Lydia about the Kingdom, Henry had convinced him to listen to Lydia and what she had been telling him before you and Daryl had barged in. Daryl had offered her medicine and after asking about Alden and Luke, he began asking her questions. 

You sat quietly next to him as they spoke. Lydia talked about what their life was like at the beginning of the end. The way she spoke about her mother sent chills down your spine. You knew about screwed up parents, as did Daryl, but this was a whole new level of crazy. 

Although, hearing her talk about her father was when you finally saw the kid behind the killer. Though, you still weren’t sure that Lydia was even a killer after all. Even so, you could tell by just the way Lydia recounted the events of her father’s death that he had been the abusive one first. Although, that didn’t make up for the fact that her mother was beating her now. 

You noticed the bruises before Daryl did and when you nodded towards them, that was when he went into protector mode. You knew that he still didn’t like her, but you knew that Daryl stood by the same code you and Negan did. 

You don’t hurt kids. 

“This place isn’t real,” Lydia said as Daryl tried to convince her that Hilltop was safe. “The world changed, and you’re all acting like it’s gonna change back. My mom walks ‘cause that’s what the dead do. It’s their world, and we have to live in it. And what my mom does, she does for a reason.” You shook your head at how much of an apologist Lydia had become for her abusive mother. 

“Your mom beats you because she loves you? That’s bullshit,” you said, not believing it for a second. 

“No, it isn’t. When you stay soft, people die,” Lydia argued. 

“There’s a difference,” you said. 

“Is there? Is that what you see when you look at yourself? I can see it in your eyes,” Lydia said. “You’re a killer. You may not know it, but one day you will be. You told me that you knew how monsters think,” Lydia leaned in towards the bars, “ever wonder why that is?” 

You stood from your seat, ignoring Daryl’s look as you stormed out of the cell. You didn’t need to hear that bullshit. You knew you were harder, colder these days, but you were not a monster. At least, that was what you kept telling yourself.

Daryl soon followed you out of the cellar. “What was that all about?” he asked. 

“Apparently Lydia pays more attention to what I say than I first thought.”

“Ya threatened her, didn’t ya?” he asked and you rolled your eyes.

“And _you_ didn’t?” you countered. 

“We both know that our versions of threats are very different. I use blades, you use….psychological warfare,” he said with a look. 

“It works, doesn’t it?” you challenged and now it was his turn to roll his eyes. You were about to suck it up and go back into the cellar when Tara yelled for Daryl.

You and Daryl both looked at her in alarm as she waved you up to the watchpoint where she was standing with Magna. The two of you ran towards her, hauling yourselves up the rungs of the ladder.

When you got to the top, you finally saw what had gotten Tara so worried. Standing at the gates were members of Lydia’s family and in the lead was a woman who you immediately knew was Lydia’s mother. 

“She calls herself ‘Alpha’,” Magna whispered to you as Daryl stared down the woman, your hand was resting on your sword. 

“I show you my face because we mean you no harm. I just want my daughter. I know you have her,” Alpha said to Tara who didn’t take her eyes off of her enemy.

“You should turn around,” Tara warned. “Leave now and no one gets hurt.”

“Wrong answer!” bellowed Alpha as more masks came out of the trees and approached. Kelly, who was next to you was shaking. 

“What’s wrong?” you asked. 

“Connie is in the field,” she whispered. Your eyes instantly searched for her sister and fear settled in your stomach. 

“They don’t see her. Least not yet,” you assured Kelly as you gripped her shoulder, trying to reassure her. 

“That girl told me what her mom does to her. We ain’t sending her back to that,” Daryl added as Enid arrived on the platform, and in her hands was Daryl’s crossbow. She gave it to him and he instantly loaded it. 

“Yeah, but what if she has Alden and Luke? Pissing her off can get them killed,” Enid added as she moved to your side. “They killed Jesus, Tara.”

“I know,” Tara whispered and then turned to speak to Alpha again. “Did you kill our friends? We found their horses.”

“No,” Alpha said. “Which one of you leads these people?”

“The hell does that matter?” challenged Daryl.

“Then I’ll just address all of you. Your people crossed into our land. There will be no conflict. Your people killed our people. There will be no conflict. I’m done talkin’. Bring me my daughter, or there will be conflict,” she threatened and you decided then that if it came down to it, you would gladly kill this woman. 

“No one touches the girl,” Daryl said. “The last thing I am doin’ is sending her back to that. No matter who she is.” 

“I agree,” Enid said. Daryl then turned to you and held out his bow. You raised a brow as you took it. 

“What do you want me to do with this?” you asked.

“I’m gonna go talk to her, but I need eyes up top. You’re a sniper, (Y/N),” he reminded you, “be a sniper.” You gripped the crossbow tighter as he began to climb down the ladder. Enid gave you an encouraging smile, but you were feeling nervous already. 

You moved on autopilot, going to kneel down next to Kelly and open the small window Diane had cut out for her bow. It was the perfect size to stay somewhat hidden and defended. You were decent with the crossbow, but you desperately wished for a rifle. 

“You can do this,” Enid said as she stood behind you with the binoculars, keeping an eye on the surroundings as you trained the sight on Alpha. You didn’t know if you could make a kill shot from that distance, but you could surely injure her if you needed to. That offered you some comfort. 

As you crouched, your mind drifted back home to Negan. You needed him right now as much as you were pissed at him. He could always keep you calm and you hadn’t had to slip into the sniper role since the end of the war with his people. Having a long-distance weapon in your hands felt too foreign. You took a deep breath and tried to focus. 

You watched as Daryl approached the gate and you couldn’t hear exactly what he was saying, but you knew Daryl was not going to back down. He had faced down enemies before and won. Although, you knew that these masked enemies were more terrifying than anything you had faced. 

“They’re just people,” Yumiko said who had come up behind Magna.

 _“Psychotic_ people,” Magna added. Suddenly, the sharp cries of a baby echoed across the field. 

“What the _hell?”_ Enid asked, her eyes glued to the mask that was holding the struggling infant. Daryl must have said something then because two more of Alpha’s people came forward as they dragged two more. When they pulled the masks from their captives, Enid gasped. 

It was Alden and Luke.

Your finger twitched on the trigger of the crossbow. These people had already taken one of your people and now they held two more at knifepoint without hesitation. You were seeing red and just for a second, you nearly squeezed and took her out. You wanted her to burn and you wanted her to suffer, but a voice in your head made you pause. 

Negan had once told you, _“I think we both know that you are the lesser of two evils in this situation.”_ You held onto that as your hand relaxed. Nobody knew what exactly these people were capable of let alone what their true numbers were. 

“Steady,” you said to yourself as you breathed evenly. You nearly yelled, however, when the mask with the child, placed it on the ground and walked away as Walkers approached. _“No,”_ you said, staring at the baby with horrified eyes. 

The Dead were beginning to stumble towards the baby and you trained the bow on them, ready to take your shot when suddenly, Connie burst from the field. Kelly jumped as her sister fought her way towards the baby. It was then that you realized Daryl was gone. You could hear him below giving out orders, but you didn’t move. You weren’t going to give Alpha a single chance to make a move without you knowing. 

Although, your focus was cut short when you heard a quick whistle behind you. Turning, you saw Daryl who was looking up at you with a pissed expression. He then shook his head and you knew what had happened. Lydia was gone. 

“Shit,” you swore. 

“What is it?” Enid asked. 

“The kid is gone.” Enid was quiet for a moment before she shook her head.

“I think I know where they went,” she said as she headed for the ladder. “Don’t take your eyes off of her.” You nodded as she disappeared off the platform. This was either going to go very well or end in a fight and you didn’t know which one you’d rather prefer.

* * *

You didn’t know how long it was that you stayed glaring at Lydia’s mother. 

There had been so many enemies and battles in the past, but there was something about these masks that felt different. They were ruthless like the cannibals at Terminus but calculated like the Saviors. Alpha reminded you of a wild animal a lot like the Wolves, but with a bigger bite. She also demanded respect like the Governor and you had never wished for Rick more. 

Grimes wouldn’t have let her get this far. Not after losing Jesus, not after what happened to Rosita and Eugene. Even with Negan’s new outlook on life, you also knew that he wouldn’t have allowed it either and if it wasn’t for Lydia, Daryl would have taken the shot too. There were too many factors and you didn’t know which one to focus on. 

You were beginning to get very nervous. If Lydia wasn’t found soon, you were going to have to watch Alden die and Luke as well who you had begun to like for the short time you had known him. Then there was Connie. You didn’t know where she was or if the baby was safe. You were in your nest alone while your family hunted down a couple of teenagers because you knew that Henry had gone with her. He was incredibly loyal, just like his dad. 

Though, you had a feeling that Ezekiel would have a few choice words for his son when it came to who he hung out with. “This was so much easier when he just had a crush on Enid,” you grumbled as noticed more Walkers approaching. Diane who was on the other side of the watch glanced at you with worry, but you signaled for her to be calm.

Walkers were easy as long as you knew that there were in fact Dead. Hilltop had dealt with worse hordes before. Alpha was the problem right now and you weren’t going to give her an inch. 

When the gates of Hilltop opened again, you were almost shocked to see that Lydia was walking out with Daryl. Neither of them looked as if they were happy about what was happening, but still, Lydia walked to her mother as Masks shoved Alden and Luke forward. 

You could practically see Daryl fuming as Alpha smacked her child and then hauled her away along with the rest of her people. Daryl didn’t move until they were out of sight. As soon as Alpha blended in with the trees, you finally relaxed. Your body was cramped as you lay back on the platform, the crossbow falling to your side. 

You could hear the cheerful reunions going on below you and eventually, you pulled yourself up and climbed down to join them. You then spotted Connie who was hugging Kelly and you relaxed a bit more. You found Daryl immediately. You handed him his bow which he slung over his shoulder. 

“Thanks for havin’ my back,” he said. 

“I get why we had to do it,” you said. “But it doesn’t make it okay.”

“I never said it did,” Daryl said and you could tell he was thinking about Lydia.

“I gotta go home, D,” you said and he nodded, expecting this. 

“I know,” he said. “I need you there, too. Check on the kids and let Michonne know what’s goin’ on.”

“You’re going after her, aren’t you?” you asked, but you already knew. It was Daryl and he was always going to do the right thing. 

“I have to,” he said. With a sigh, you pulled him in for a hug, squeezing him tight. 

“Get her back and keep yourself alive,” you said and then took a step back. “Also know that if it came down to it, I’ll keep her safe.”

“A day ago you were ready to feed her to Walkers,” he pointed out. 

“I’ve learned a lot about anger lately,” you said. “Being blinded by rage never helps.” You gripped his shoulder and turned to go grab your things. 

“(Y/N),” Daryl called. 

“Yeah?”

“I hope ya know what yer doin’ with him,” Daryl said.

“I’m not sure of anything, but I’m working on it. We can’t lose everyone, Daryl. Go get her and try not to die. I’m not willing to lose another brother.” Daryl nodded, taking your words to heart.

“I’ll see ya soon,” he said. You didn’t answer him as you walked away. War was coming and you knew that to win it, you would need Negan. You just hoped that others would feel the same because if they didn’t, more people were going to die.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the reader arrives back home, they have to face Negan, but first, they need to tell the others what happened with Alpha. When they find out that Daryl is about to step into the fire what will happen and how will Negan and the reader get past his escape?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Falling” by Harry Styles
> 
> Note: I wanted to make this part focused on conversation and have a breather after all the action. More to come.

The walls of Alexandria greeted you late in the afternoon. 

The entire ride home you had been paranoid that any Walker was one of Alpha’s people. The original fears from the start of the Apocalypse were returning. A lone Walker or even a few hadn’t given you the sense of fear like this since those first few months. However, now, the Living threat moved with the Dead and there were new rules to play by.

At least, that is what you felt this was. A cruel game. After Terminus, after the Wolves, and even after the Saviors, you didn’t think people could get worse. How naïve you and the rest of your family had been.

As your horse swayed beneath you, your hands gripped the reins tightly as Alpha’s face remained at the forefront of your mind.

There was something so feral yet powerful about the woman. You could also tell that she was the product of the new world and based on what Lydia had told you, Henry, and Daryl, her mother hadn’t always been this way. You only hoped that whatever Daryl was about to do didn’t unleash even more of the terror that you were sure was hidden beneath her stoic features.

Siddiq was the one that met you as the gate opened. He took the reins of your horse and led him to the stables, not saying a word as you finally relaxed when the gate shut securely behind you. 

“Here,” Siddiq said quietly as he reached for your arm to help you down off the horse. You gripped his shoulder as your feet hit the ground and then he was pulling you into him. “I’m so sorry about Jesus,” he said and you gripped him back, trying to keep your emotions in check. 

“Thanks, Doc,” you said as you gave him a final squeeze before letting go. Stepping back, you looked up at him and then noticed something else in his eyes. Something that wasn’t just sympathy. “What else happened?” He took a breath and then smiled slightly.

“Rosita’s pregnant,” he said proudly and that was the last thing you had expected to come out of his mouth. 

“And it’s….it’s _yours?”_ you asked, carefully. 

“Yeah, it is,” he said with a wider smile. You couldn’t help the wave of emotion that overtook you then. Even with all the sorrow, this was something to celebrate. 

“I am so happy for you,” you said and you meant it. “Look at you, _a dad.”_ You punched him in the shoulder lightly. 

“Thanks,” he said and you could tell he wanted to be even more excited, but after what had happened, nobody was feeling very gleeful. Instead, you focused on the task at hand. 

“We need to talk. All of us,” you said with a heavy sigh, “we are not even _remotely_ done with these people.” Siddiq understood immediately. 

“I’ll call for a council meeting,” he said. “Did you want to and talk to…” he began, but you shook your head. 

“No, just call the meeting. Negan can wait.”

* * *

“They’re back,” a quiet voice said in the dark. 

Negan slowly opened his eyes. He wasn’t sleeping. He hadn’t been able to since Michonne returned and told him what had happened and asked him if he had ever heard of people walking with the Dead while wearing their skins. He hadn’t, but he wasn’t surprised that they were out there. The new world changed people in the most extreme ways. 

Michonne hadn’t stayed long, but he could tell the new threat was getting to her. It was rare when he saw the woman rocked and he didn’t have a good feeling about what was to come. 

Turning over on his cot, Negan looked at Judith who had just returned to the cell. Judith folded herself onto the floor as she had hours before. She had been doing so since he got back, only leaving to see her mom and sleep. Whether Michonne knew or not, she never told her to leave. 

“Do they look angry?” Negan asked.

“They look tired,” Judith said softly. “I think something else bad happened.” Negan furrowed his brow as he sat up. 

“Why do you say that?”

“Siddiq just called a council meeting. They only do that when something _bad_ happened,” Judith said.

“They called a council meeting once because Eugene tried to make a catapult,” Negan reminded her. 

“This one feels different,” she said with a slight shake of her head. “Before I came down here, I heard (Y/N) say that Uncle Daryl was _afraid_. He’s not afraid of anything.” Negan frowned at that. He knew Daryl enough to know that he rarely showed fear in the face of danger. 

“Your uncle is strong, kid,” he told her, trying to reassure her. “He’s been through worse.” Judith, however, wasn’t convinced. She leaned in more towards the bars, removing her hat so he could see her better. 

“Negan,” she whispered, “I’m scared.” He didn’t hesitate then. Negan moved towards the bars and crouched down to her level. He reached for her hands and she held onto them tight. 

“You listen to me, kid,” he said, “no matter what happens, nobody will hurt you. Do you understand me? I won’t _let_ them hurt you. Besides, you are a survivor, and _dammit_ , you’re a Grimes. To these new freaks that may not mean somethin’, but to me and to everyone else in your family, that means a lot.”

“Does it?” she asked in a small voice.

“Hell yeah it does,” he assured her. “You, your mom, and that little boy upstairs are what’s left of this badass family I met seven years ago and you know what I learned after knowin’ your daddy and big brother?”

“What?”

“Nobody goes against a Grimes and wins.”

* * *

As soon as you finished explaining what had happened at Hilltop, the meeting hall was silent. 

“I don’t know what Henry ended up saying to her, but it got the kid to open up,” you explained. “I think that she could be valuable.”

“For what?” Aaron asked. “You saw those freaks the same night I did, (Y/N). You know how ruthless they are. They aren’t going to back down for _one_ girl.”

“Lydia is Alpha’s _child_ , Aaron,” you said. “Whether the woman is capable of compassion or not, that means _something_ to her. I don’t think she would have openly exposed herself like that if it didn’t.”

“And that’s why Daryl went after her? For leverage?” Rosita asked. You noticed that her hand was placed protectively on her abdomen. You didn’t think she realized she was doing it. 

“I think it’s more about protecting her,” you said with a sigh. “The girl’s been abused.”

“She also killed Jesus,” Aaron argued. 

“No, her _people_ did. _Lydia_ didn’t kill anyone,” you countered. 

“As far as you know…” 

“Look all I know is that Daryl is about to declare war and we need to be ready,” you said. Looking around at the faces in the room, you could see that a wave of fear was being passed from person to person. These… _Whisperers_ , as Eugene called them, were something out of a nightmare and that was saying something considering everyone had been living in a horror film for a decade. 

“Negan didn’t know them,” Michonne interjected, gaining your attention. You nodded.

“I figured as much,” you sighed. “I don’t think _anyone_ would have known them. I think that this is their first time showing themselves to people that they weren’t immediately going to kill afterward.”

“Looks like we’re all going in blind on this,” Michonne said. 

“It’s new territory, that’s for sure,” you said, leaning against the wooden column at your back. 

“What’s your take on all of this?” Gabriel asked you. 

“I think they are more dangerous than we think,” you said. “We’ve fought villains before, but this is the first time when I can’t see how this is going to go. Guns and armies are one thing, even those _freaks_ at Terminus made _some_ kind of sense in my mind. But this? This is absolute insanity and I’m positive that we haven’t seen the last of Alpha or her people.”

“Why didn’t you go with Daryl?” Aaron asked. 

“I was needed back here,” you said.

“For Negan?” Aaron asked, narrowing his eyes. 

_“Yes, Aaron,_ instead of informing my family that there are masked psychos after us, I ran _all the way_ back here to check on escaped convict number one,” you spat, gathering your things and gripping your sword tighter. “Fuck off.” 

Nobody said anything as you stormed from the hall. 

“Nice,” Michonne said with a smack to the back of Aaron’s head. 

You headed for home, still boiling with anger. You knew that Aaron was angry with you about everything with Negan no matter what he said. He blamed Negan for Eric and while you understood, you just wished that he would remember that _Negan_ wasn’t the one to kill his boyfriend. Eric tragically died in the war, but so did a lot of people. 

Pausing in the middle of the road, you couldn’t believe that that thought crossed your mind. You were invalidating Aaron’s grief because of your own emotions and feelings and you hated the way it made you feel. “Get yourself together,” you whispered to yourself. 

Continuing on towards your house, you passed by the Grimes house when a small voice reached your ears.

“You always tell _me_ to be honest!” Judith’s yell came from the cell beneath her house. She sounded frustrated which had you moving closer. 

“You’re the kid, I’m the adult,” Negan said back. Hearing his voice offered you both comfort and stoked that anger in your gut. You wanted to throttle him and hug him at the same time. Your feet were moving before you could even stop them and the next thing you knew you were pushing open the heavy door of the jail. You were met with silence. 

“Get out, Judith,” you ordered. The young girl looked up at you from her spot on the ground. Her hat was in her hands and she looked as if she had been there for a while. 

“No,” she said, “you’re gonna yell at him.” The girl was too smart for her own good, you thought. You still avoided looking at Negan, but you could feel his eyes on you. 

“I’m gonna yell at both of you if you don’t get out,” you said. “Your mom is gonna wanna talk to you.”

“Is this about what happened to Jesus?” she asked, getting to her feet. 

“Yes, now _go_.” Judith hesitated. “Judith, right now.” With a sigh, she placed her hat on her head and sulked as she walked from the room. With one last look at Negan, she stormed out and ran up the steps. 

“You shouldn’t be angry with her,” Negan said, finally speaking directly to you. You paused and then let your bag drop from your hands. Dust flew from where it thumped to the cold floor and then you were turning to finally look at him. That light was in his eyes again, the one that was only reserved for you. 

Normally, it would give you so much joy, but it only fueled your fire. However, you kept your temper under control. “Are you sure you don’t know anything about these Whisperers?” you asked, your voice low. 

“Is that what you seriously want to talk about right now?” he asked, his arms braced on the bars as he gave you an incredulous look. 

“I’m not sure I can talk about anything else without screaming.”

“You’re angry,” he said.

“I’m _hurt_ , Negan,” you corrected. “When Scott showed up and told Daryl and me that you had left, yeah, I was pissed. I couldn’t understand why after _everything_ you would just leave and then I realized something.”

“Which was what?” he asked carefully. 

“That I was so _stupid_ to believe anything that happened between us was real.” Negan stared at you in shock, not expecting that at all. 

“You honestly believe that? Are you fucking kidding me?” 

“What else am I supposed to believe!” you shouted. “I am so goddamn stupid! I should have known the _second_ you had the chance, you were going to leave. I just don’t know why you even bothered to come back.”

“Don’t bullshit yourself, (Y/N),” he countered, not letting you be the only one on offense.

“Excuse me?”

“You know _damn well_ why I came back! You just won’t admit it to yourself because you’re afraid!”

“Afraid? Of _what?_ Why don’t you tell me Negan since you seem to know me _so well,_ ” you said, crossing your arms.

“That’s the thing, though. I _do_ know you. I know you better than anyone has in a long time. And I’m not talking about where you grew up or how many Walkers you’ve killed. I know _you_. We are the same and I know that I’m not the only one who has felt that way. You can deny it all you want, but _I_ know the truth and so do you.” 

“You don’t know _anything_ ,” you whispered, but your voice was thick with emotion. “I can’t _feel_ like this, don’t you understand?”

“Like what?” 

“Like I am willing to turn my back on my entire family just to keep _you_ safe. Just to make sure that you are still _alive_ when I come home. I shouldn’t be this…this _consumed_ by one person!”

“Why are you acting like the idea of you and me is so fucking terrible?”

“Because everything I touch, I kill and so do you! You say we’re the same, well you’re right, Negan! We are _both_ monsters and all people do is die around us! Rick, Carl, _Jesus!_ If we are the same then I don’t want to be!”

“I’m not going to let you stand there and say that what we feel for each other doesn’t mean anything!”

“Don’t tell me how to feel,” you shot back.

“Then _say it_ , (Y/N),” he said, leaning through the bars. “Say that I mean _nothing_ to you and I’ll stop.” You were silent as you looked at him, fighting the tears behind your eyes. “That’s what I thought.”

“You bastard,” you swore. “You _left_ me. After everything that I’ve lost, that you _knew_ about and you _left!_ How am I supposed to react to hearing that you were gone!”

“I came back,” he said softly. 

“And what if you didn’t? Was I just supposed to _accept_ that? Was I just supposed to go on with life not knowing where you were or if you were even alive? What was the plan?” Negan reached for you, but you shook your head, holding your arms tighter against your chest.

“I didn’t think there was a future here if I was _locked_ in a _cage_.”

“I don’t wanna hear it,” you shot back, trying to keep your rage contained. 

_“Don’t you?”_ Negan challenged. 

“I just lost one of my _best_ friends and my other one is hunting down our new enemy’s kid to save her life so _no_ , Negan, I don’t want to hear it.”

“I’m sorry, (Y/N),” he whispered.

“What did I tell you about apologizing?”

“I’m not sorry that I left, I’m sorry that you’re hurting.”

 _“You_ hurt me,” you told him, wiping at your face. 

“I know and if I could take it back, I would,” he said. 

“I don’t want to be the bad guy here,” you told him. 

“You could _never_ be the villain of my story,” he whispered. The silence was thick in the room and you didn’t know how to respond to him. You hadn’t intended to go off on him like this, you thought you would give it a few days, but hearing his voice….

“I have to figure out how to help Daryl,” you said suddenly with a sniff. Negan frowned as you changed the subject but went along with it. 

“What are you going to do about them?” he asked. 

“We’ll figure it out when Daryl finds the girl. He has to be included in the decision. Tara too. Maggie also if we can reach her, but I don’t know where she is right now,” you whispered, not looking at him. 

“There’s gonna be a fight, isn’t there?” 

“Not if I can help it,” you said, gripping your blade. Negan noticed and he also noticed the steel reserve that seemed to be around you since you walked in. 

“You’re gonna kill them.” It wasn’t a question. 

“Cut off the head of the snake and the body dies,” you said looking up at him. He could see the tears marks, the tears he had caused. “No more games. If she comes for us, I will kill her.”

“That doesn’t sound like you.”

“Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do,” you said.

“We both know that’s not true.”

“We don’t know anything anymore.” 

“What are you really trying to say, (Y/N)? That you hate me now?” 

“I will never hate you,” you said, taking a step back. “I told you that before.”

“So what, then?” 

“I just can’t _trust_ you anymore,” you said as you grabbed your bag and slung it over your shoulder. 

“How do I win that trust back?” he asked, his tone becoming hoarse. 

“I don’t know,” you whispered, turning to go. 

“I’ll do anything!” he called to you. Your hand paused on the door handle and as you closed your eyes you let one more tear fall. 

“Maybe that’s the problem.”

“(Y/N)!” he yelled as you left the room, letting the door close behind you as you walked away from him.

As you jogged up the steps, you heard his calls for you to return, but you just kept walking.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the fallout of their argument, the reader is still trying to deal with their thoughts about Negan. Meanwhile, Daryl, Connie, Lydia, and Henry arrive at Alexandria. With everything going on and the fair only a day away, there are decisions to be made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song I Wrote To: “First” by Cold War Kids
> 
> Note: Another filler before our big part which is up next...I am putting all the fair stuff in one part and I MEAN EVERYTHING. Part 19 will be the blizzard so Part 18 is going to be A LOT. *ALL ASL IN ITALICS*

Something felt different when you woke up. 

Your mother always used to say that people could feel it in the air when something was to come. You never put much stock in her ramblings, but that particular quote was sticking in your mind as you sat up in your bed.

Sunlight was streaming in through the window and you could hear the faint sounds of Alexandrians starting their days. The nightmares had been worse than usual during the night before and after waking up for the second time, you had to nearly restrain yourself from venturing out of your house and towards another. 

The fact that Negan was the first person you thought of when fear entered your body made you feel even _more_ confused. You were still furious with him, that much was clearly evident, but he was _still_ there in the back of your mind. He was in your dreams, your everyday thoughts, and while you should have been focusing on Alpha and Daryl’s rescue plan, Negan was all you could think about. 

After getting ready for the day, you strapped on Paul’s sword and headed from your home and towards the meeting hall. It still felt odd to consider the sword yours even though Aaron had given it to you personally. You began to wonder if imposter syndrome extended towards melee weapons. 

Walking down the main road, you saw Judith with her brother heading towards the makeshift graveyard. You knew where she was going and you also knew that Judith loved to tell stories she heard from her mom about Carl. While Judith didn’t have many memories of her big brother, she could still remember what it felt like to be carried by him and how he cared for her. Carl had been there since the beginning to look after her and now it was Judith’s turn to do so for RJ.

Your gaze lingered on them for a bit before your eyes caught a commotion at the main gate. You could see Michonne standing on the watch post, looking down. With a furrowed brow, you began to walk forward when a movement out of the corner of your eye caught your attention. 

Stopping in front of the Grimes’ house, you looked to see Negan leaning against the bars of his window. He looked at you with those same beautiful hazel eyes and determined set of his jaw. You stared back, remembering the last conversation you had had with the man. Negan had nearly begged you for forgiveness and you weren’t sure if you were actually willing to give it. At least, not yet. He went to say something when the gate slid open up ahead. Looking back, you were stunned at what you saw. 

Daryl, Lydia, Connie, and to your ultimate surprise, Henry, were walking towards you. Dog trotted in front of his master, his tail up as he noticed you. When they got closer, you finally saw the state that your friend was in.

 _“Daryl?”_ you asked, shocked to see blood, Living blood, on his face and clothes. “What the _hell_ happened to you?” you asked as you left Negan behind and ran up to him. 

“Kids need some food,” was all Daryl said. You then noticed that Henry was limping.

“They also need medical attention,” you said and then waved down Siddiq who was walking alongside Rosita. “Come on,” you said and then reached for Lydia who was shaking slightly. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, but you just shook your head. 

“Not your fault, kid,” you said, brushing the hair from her face. “Let’s get you looked at.” 

As Siddiq took a look at Henry and Lydia, Laura stood watch at Michonne’s request. You stood on the porch of the infirmary with Daryl, Michonne, and Connie. While your signing was still a bit rough, you could get by well enough for the time being. You had taught Deaf students when you were a teacher and you found that your knowledge of the language was slowly coming back to you. 

_“Are you hurt?”_ you asked Connie. She shook her head and then made the “D” letter with her right hand and dragged it over her eye. You then realized that was the Name Sign she had given to Daryl, most likely due to his scar. You thought it was fitting. 

Connie was telling you that Daryl was hurt, but you knew that he wouldn’t even let you clean his wounds until he knew the kids were okay. 

“Someone wanna tell me what happened?” you asked as you leaned against the side of the house, your ankles crossed. 

“Beta happened,” Daryl said as he matched your position on the other side. 

_“Alpha’s man,”_ Connie signed and you translated for Michonne and Laura, who was listening in the doorway. 

“So, it’s not just Alpha we have to worry about? Great,” you said with a deep sigh. 

“Asshole is massive,” Daryl said. “Threw me around like I was nothin’ and didn’t hesitate at all to try and kill us. Lydia says he’s the best fighter they got.” 

“Fantastic,” you groaned. 

“He’s the one that captured Henry,” Daryl explained. 

“Which brings me to my question,” Michonne said. “Why the hell was Carol’s son out there in the first place?”

“He went after her, didn’t he? After we traded her for Alden and Luke?” you asked and Daryl nodded. 

“Takes after his _damn_ mother,” Daryl muttered, but you could hear a bit of admiration in his tone. Which was how he usually sounded when he spoke about Carol. 

“How’d you get her back?”

“Got into their camp,” Daryl said. “There’s a lot more of these assholes than we thought. We couldn’t see all of ‘em, but there are enough to make me nervous.” 

“You being nervous, makes me nervous,” you said pushing off the wall.

“Where’s he now?” Michonne asked. “Beta?”

“Threw his giant ass down an elevator shaft,” Daryl said. 

“So, he’s dead?” Daryl looked between you, Connie, and Michonne and you could see the fatigue weighing on him and also, the anger.

“For all our sakes,” he said. “He better be.”

* * *

Once the Doc had cleared both Lydia and Henry, you invited the teenagers as well as Connie and Daryl to stay in your house for the time being.

You knew that Daryl wanted to keep moving in case Alpha had sent out more scouts, but you also knew that they needed to take a breather, even if it was just until nightfall.

You could hear Connie sitting and playing with Dog outside while Daryl spoke with Henry. You knew how important Henry was to Carol and because of that, Daryl would do anything to protect the kid. 

However, right now, he seemed to be taking on the role of disappointed uncle. He was using his “parent voice” as you liked to call it. He used to use it a lot with Carl and then when Judith would cause trouble years before. Beth once joked that he had become the father of the group. Daryl had just rolled his eyes, but you knew that meant a lot to him. It told him that all of you, even Rick, relied on him. 

Lydia was sitting in the living room when you found her. Sitting next to her on the couch, you tried to see the resemblance between her and her mother. It was there slightly, but only in looks. You couldn’t see the hatred that you saw in Alpha. However, you did see a small bit of resilience and that only told you how much she had to adapt to live within the Dead. 

“I’m sorry,” you began. Lydia looked at you in confusion. “I said a lot of horrible things to you when we had you locked up. I made assumptions and it was unfair.”

“I didn’t really give you much of a chance to trust me,” Lydia said, turning her attention back to her hands in her lap. 

“Then I guess we both need fresh starts,” you said and then offered her your hand. “Hi, I’m (Y/N).” Lydia hesitantly took your hand and gave you a small smile. 

“I’m Lydia,” she said and you smiled at her. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Lydia.” When you dropped her hand, she glanced back towards where Daryl and Henry were. 

“I’m sorry about your friend,” Lydia said, talking about Jesus. “And because my mom took your other friends.”

“We got them back,” you reminded her. “I just wish we could have gotten them back without throwing you back to the wolves.”

“Yeah, then maybe Henry wouldn’t have gone after me and gotten hurt,” she said sadly. 

“Maybe not, but Henry is as stubborn as his mother and as _loyal_ as his father. Trust me when I say that he doesn’t need an excuse to make dumbass decisions.”

“What’s his mom like?” Lydia asked and you paused, trying to figure out how to put Carol into words. 

“I’ve known his mom for a very long time. Actually since the beginning of all this,” you began. “Carol has been through a lot and she has lost a lot of people to get to the place she is right now. She has lost _children_ , especially. Carol isn’t a person whom you need to be afraid of if you have good intentions.”

“And if you have _bad_ intentions?” Lydia asked carefully.

“Let’s just say that when she wants to be, Carol can be even more terrifying than your mother. The difference is, is that Carol’s rage and her skills come from love and the need to protect her family.”

“You don’t think my mom is like that?” 

“I don’t know your mother,” you admitted. “Though I have known people _like_ her and if I had to guess what she values most, I would say it’s power and survival. Alpha seems to be the person who would sacrifice her young to protect the pack and that is why I don’t want you to go back to her.”

“You don’t even know me,” Lydia said. “You only know what you’ve seen.”

“ _‘To perceive is to suffer’_ ,” you quoted with a smile. Lydia’s brow furrowed. “Aristotle said that,” you explained. 

_“Who?”_

“I’ll tell you about them later. Point is,” you said, taking her hand, “I only saw what I wanted to see because I thought that suffering was better than trying to see your side of everything.”

“So, what does this mean?” Lydia asked. 

“It means that I am not going to let anything happen to you. _Especially_ at the hands of your mother.”

* * *

Later that day, Michonne found you. 

Daryl was inside with the others when she came walking towards your house. She gestured you down off the porch as she got closer. “What’s up?” you asked as you approached. 

“We’re doin’ the fair,” Michonne explained. 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Michonne nodded and then let out a heavy sigh. 

“Henry said that The Kingdom is failing. They need this. Judith recently reminded me that we need each other and that we need to start thinking about the others again.”

“Wise girl,” you complimented and she smiled.

“Just like her dad,” Michonne said. 

“Michonne, I want to help Kingdom, you know I do. I would do anything to help Carol and Ezekiel, but what if Alpha finds out that we have her kid? What then? Not to mention that Daryl attacked Beta and we don’t even know if he’s alive or not.”

“We’ll deal with it, just as we’ve dealt with everything else.”

“We’ve never _seen_ anything like this before and you know it.”

“We can’t ignore them anymore, our friends,” she explained. “I know this is going to be rough, but we’ve won wars before.”

“So you _do_ think this is going to end in a fight, then?” 

“It always does, (Y/N),” Michonne said. 

“I know you don’t trust her, Lydia, I mean,” you said. 

“You’re right, I don’t,” she said. 

“There is a lot of shit goin’ on right now, but we have to protect her just like we once protected Enid when she had nobody.”

 _“Enid_ isn’t the daughter of a killer,” Michonne reminded you. 

“No, she’s not, but she could have gone down a different path. Just because she found Alexandria, that doesn’t mean that she couldn’t have turned for the worse. If it wasn’t for Maggie and… and Carl, who knows what would have happened to her.” Michonne was quiet for a moment. 

“You’re saying that Henry is Lydia’s Carl?” 

“I’m _saying_ that she’s a scared kid who needs everyone in her corner to keep her safe and help her make the right decision.”

“And that’s gonna be you?” 

“I’m gonna damn well try to be.”

* * *

It was night when Daryl and the others were getting ready to leave. 

You met them at the gate as Connie helped Henry balance on his staff, trying to get a rhythm going for their travels. You figured they were going to be headed to Kingdom, but you didn’t know where Daryl would be going after that. Lydia stood by, watching the duo with a smile. 

When Daryl noticed you standing off to the side, he joined you. “We didn’t get a chance to talk. Not really,” he said. 

“There will be other times,” you said with a bump to his shoulder. 

“Judith talked to me,” he said.

“Yeah?” you asked, avoiding the look he was giving you. 

“You should know that she hears a lot more than ya think.”

“Meaning she heard the argument Negan and I had,” you realized. Daryl grunted in agreement. “Just great.”

“She’s worried about ya, thinks you’re not gonna forgive him,” Daryl said. 

“Judith should mind her own business,” you muttered.

“Are ya? Going to forgive him?”

“What would be the point? The situation is gonna still be the same. Negan is gonna be locked up and I’ll be out trying to fight another battle that we shouldn’t be in in the first place.”

“Self-pity don’t look good on ya,” Daryl said.

“That’s not—”

“Ya, it is,” he interrupted. “I already told ya my thoughts on you and him. I still stand by them, but ya gotta start usin’ your brain, Kid.” You smiled at the nickname. It was something he had called you when you first met, even though you were around the same age as Maggie. 

“I thought the heart was supposed to make these kinds of decisions?” 

“Nah, ya gotta use both. Don’t believe that poetic bullshit.” 

“Are you sure you weren’t a motivational speaker before all this?” you joked. 

“Not unless ya count me yellin’ at Merle to get his shit together when the son of a bitch was high and chasin’ birds through the streets.” 

“I do,” you decided. Daryl snorted but stayed quiet. “You’re leavin’ with Lydia after you get Henry home, aren’t you?”

“It’s for the best,” he said. 

“Is it?” 

“People don’t trust her,” Daryl said. 

“That’s not her fault.” 

“No, it ain’t,” he said, “but I’m not about to leave her vulnerable to people who don’t want her around. Maybe removing Lydia from the equation will make Alpha leave everyone else alone.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” you sighed. 

“I gotta try.”

“I know,” you said and then leaned into him. He put his arm around and you savored the small moment. “Please be careful.” 

“I will,” he said and then he pushed back to see your face. “Come with me.”

“What?”

“I know ya have been lost for a while. Judith mentioned you isolate yourself. Maybe you just need a break.”

“What happened to me needing to figure out my shit here?”

“Fuck that,” Daryl said. “I ain’t always right.”

“I’m needed here, D,” you said. 

“By who? Michonne? Or Negan?”

“Judith,” you said. “RJ, Laura, Scott, Gabriel, Siddiq, and Ro who are about to be _parents_ ,” you reminded him. “I can’t just run away.” He caught your double meaning. 

“Ya mean like I did?” he asked, but there was no venom in his voice. 

“I never blamed you for leaving after Rick, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think that you should have been around more.” He nodded, understanding where you were coming from. 

“So, that’s a no?”

“Yeah, D, it’s a no,” you said and then sighed, but pulled you back into him, gripping you tight. 

“Remember what I said, Kid, don’t try to fix him. We are the way we are and if you somehow found something you care about in a man like that, don’t try to find a reason to ruin it.”

“I thought people could change,” you said into the side of his neck. 

“They can, but deep down, there’s always that one thing that makes them, them,” he said. 

“I don’t know about that.”

“I do,” he whispered. “Yours is that you don’t give up. Never have, and I don’t think ya ever will. I’ll see ya soon, I ain’t gonna just disappear again.” 

“Promise?”

“Ya, I promise.”

“Good,” you said and then squeezed him once more before he shouldered his bow and with a quick whistle had Dog running after him. You actually believed him this time that you would see him soon and that was comforting. Connie waved to you as the gate slid closed and you were only hoping that whatever they had planned, they would get through it alive.

* * *

The next day, it was early and Alexandria was saddling up to head out for The Kingdom. 

You found yourself heading to Aaron’s, trying to muster up the courage to speak to him. You missed him and you knew that whatever was going on between the two of you, you needed to deal with it before it got worse. 

Knocking on the door and Gracie answered. “Hey Gracie,” you greeted. “Is your dad home?”

“Daddy! (Y/N)’s here!” she shouted behind her and then turned back to you with a large grin on her face. “He’s getting things ready for the fair,” she explained. 

“Are you excited?” you asked as you heard Aaron’s footsteps approaching. 

“Yes!” she said, jumping up and down a bit. Aaron appeared behind her, his eyes narrowed at you on his front porch. 

“Hey,” you said. 

“Gracie, why don’t you go finish putting your bag together?” Aaron suggested. 

“Okay! Bye, (Y/N)!” she said, as exuberantly as always. You didn’t know where she got all her energy from. When she was out of sight, Aaron turned his attention back to you.

“Can we talk?” you asked and he hesitated. “Please.” With a sigh, he gestured to the bench on his porch and you quickly took a seat, eager to say your piece. Aaron was quiet as you took a breath. “Aaron, I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” he asked. 

“Being an asshole and not being a very good friend these past couple of months. I’ve been _confused_ and angry and I have been taking it out on you instead of dealing with it.”

“I guess that’s one way to put it,” He said with a snort. He then turned his gaze towards the Grimes house and what was beneath it. “I just _hate_ that you stick up for him.” 

“I know.”

“And what’s worse is that I can see that he makes you happy. I don’t know what to do with that, (Y/N).”

“I don’t know what to do with it either. To be honest, I don’t know what to do with any of it. The last thing I ever expected was to care about someone after the world ended, let alone someone like _him.”_

“Then why do you?” he asked, genuinely curious. “Why Negan?”

“I don’t know, Aaron. I guess maybe because I always felt misunderstood and like an outcast. I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I didn’t think I was worthy of forgiveness…”

“You think we should be forgiving him?” Aaron asked, raising his brows. 

“No, because I know none of you will. I don’t even know if _I_ could ever forgive him for what he did to Glenn and Abraham. I don’t know if I could forgive a lot of the things he did.”

“What _do_ you know?” he asked. 

“I know that whatever I feel for him is my business and something I need to figure out with him and only him. It’s something I would like to do without the entire town ready to pick up torches and pitchforks.” Aaron laughed at that. 

“I don’t think we’d go that far,” he said. 

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” you said. “Negan isn’t perfect, but he’s not evil. There is good in him and I’ve seen it, but I need you to know that I don’t expect you to see it too.” 

“Good, cause I won’t,” he said shortly. 

“I know you hate him,” you continued, “but I don’t and I need time to figure out why.”

“Are you asking for my permission?”

“No, absolutely not,” you said with a roll of your eyes. “I’m just telling you that I don’t plan to turn my back on him, at least, not just yet.” Aaron nodded, his eyes staring at his boots. His right hand fiddled with the straps on his prosthetic as he thought about your words.

“Why are you mad at him?” Aaron said and you paused, not expecting the question.

“Who says I’m mad at him?” 

“I know you,” he said. 

“God, I really wish people would stop saying that,” you said, rubbing at the back of your neck.

“I’ll tell you what,” Aaron said. “I’ll stop being an ass to you if you stop being an ass to me, deal? I think we’ve lost enough already to not have each other’s backs. I don’t need any more regrets.” You reached over and offered your hand. He took it and squeezed it in his own. The loss of Paul was still weighing on both of you as if it had happened only hours before rather than days. Aaron was trying and so, you decided you should too.

“Okay, I’ll take that deal.” 

“Maybe you just need to take a breather,” Aaron said. “And I mean a real break. One where you’re not dealing with Walkers, Whisperers, or missing friends.”

“Are you suggesting I take a vacation?” you asked with your brows raised. 

“Come with me to the fair,” he offered. “Help us with Kingdom. I know you turned Michonne down, but I am willing to convince you.”

“How are you planning to do that?” you asked. Aaron then smiled at you. 

“I think I overheard Enid say that Alden has been singing more often. How much do you wanna bet he’s gonna get roped into singing a verse or two?” Aaron sent you a wink and you knew that there was no point in arguing with him. 

“Fine, I’ll go,” you relented. “But first, I gotta talk to someone.”

* * *

Before you headed out with the caravan, you made a final stop. 

“Here to yell at me some more?” Negan said as you opened the door.

“Do you want me to?” you asked, approaching the bar. 

“Not particularly,” he said as he sat up on his cot. 

“I’m going to the fair,” you announced. He stood up at that. 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” he asked, concerned. 

“Seems to be. Kingdom needs this and so do I,” you said. 

“I don’t like the thought of you going out there with those freaks running around,” he admitted. 

“I can handle it,” you assured him but then decided to reveal something else. Something you had been careful not to let anyone else know. 

“What is it?”

“They terrify me, Negan. These _Whisperers_ are absolutely horrifying. You asked me not too long ago when the last time I was afraid and I said it was the day Rick died. Now? Now, it’s when I saw those…people walk with the Dead and look at us as if we were the ones who weren’t alive. It was when we were in that graveyard as they killed Jesus… I don’t know what to do with those feelings.” 

Negan thought for a moment, almost moved by the fact that you had decided to come to him with this. Especially considering how your last conversation had gone. All he wanted to do was reach for you and take you into his arms, but he knew had lost those privileges the second he snuck beyond the walls. Instead, he went back to the roots of your communication. He offered a quote. 

“ _‘I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it’_ ,” he said quietly and you recognized it immediately.

“Nelson Mandela,” you whispered. 

“He was brave, just as you are. I don’t care what they think or what they see. You are _stronger_ than them and the only way they win is if you let them,” Negan said. “Look at me,” he ordered and you did. There was a fire in his eyes, but not the one that was usually there. It wasn’t one of tenderness, but of steel resolve. “Don’t give her an _inch_. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper. 

“I know you don’t trust me, but I trust you, (Y/N). Help your friends and then come back. We have a lot to talk about.” You nodded, trying to memorize the words that he said, letting them cement in your mind. 

Turning to go, you paused in the doorway. “Promise me something,” you said, looking back over at him. 

“Anything.”

“There’s a line, the one that separates us from becoming like them,” you said and he knew you meant Alpha and her people. “If you _ever_ see me about to cross that line…”

“I’ll drag you back even it means I have to take down every last one of them to do it,” he swore, that fire lighting up his eyes even more. You nodded, grateful for his response. “(Y/N),” he said, stopping you one last time. 

“Yeah?”

“I promise I’ll be here when you come home,” he said and with those words, your heart felt an ounce lighter. 

“I know.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fair is in full swing, but an unseen enemy still has her sights set on the ones that took her daughter from her. How will this play out when people go missing? And what happens when the reader is faced with a new kind of horror while Negan waits for them to come home to him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing, Death of Major Characters, Angst, Graphic Description of Gore
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “You Are The Reason (Duet Version)” by Calum Scott and Leona Lewis
> 
> Note: I’m Sorry. This is where we get some canon divergence. I will be changing a few things. For one, I don’t think Aaron went to the fair in the show, but he’s there in this story with Gracie. As we move into season 10, I have changed quite a bit. Thanks for sticking with me so far!
> 
> ALL OFFICIAL DIALOG IS PROPERTY OF AMC

It had been a long time since you had seen the walls and roads of The Kingdom. 

King Ezekiel had just given his big speech as he welcomed everyone to the first community fair. Aaron had run off with Gracie as soon as you had arrived. The two of you had left Alexandria before Michonne and Judith were about to head out. Michonne assured you that she would be fine even though you offered to go with her as a security escort.

It was so strange to see so many of your old friends in one place. Tara was there with her people from Hilltop, Alexandrians milled about, and you even spotted Rachel smiling with her women from Oceanside.

If you weren’t feeling the dread from what was waiting for you beyond the safety of the walls, you would have been smiling along with her. However, you couldn’t. The entire ride to The Kingdom, you had been on edge and you thought your reins were going to shred beneath your fingers.

Aaron had told you to relax. He figured Alpha wouldn’t be stupid enough to do anything on the main road. While you wanted to believe that, the sheer fact that you didn’t run into _any_ of the Whisperers made you even more nervous.

Still, you tried for Aaron, for Ezekiel and Carol, and especially for yourself. Aaron had been right, you needed a break. Negan’s tired eyes and concerned smile were still fresh in your mind as you walked among the stalls. He said that you would have a lot to talk about when you got back and he was right. Perhaps then, you would be able to finally get words out that weren’t drenched in frustration.

Till then, you needed to learn to breathe again.

Enid walked next to you, smiling as she too, took in the joys of the celebration around you. You noticed her in the crowd with Alden as soon as you arrived and she had just gravitated towards you, chatting away about the stall she was going to be doing.

“Did you hear what I said?” Enid asked you and you turned to her.

“Sorry, what?” you asked. She gave you a sheepish smile.

“I was just asking if you thought about setting something up?”

“A stall for the fair?”

“Is that such an odd idea?” she asked.

“I just don’t know what I would do,” you said with a shrug.

“You’re a great shot,” Enid reminded you.

“With a gun,” you said. “Not many of those around these days.”

“Yeah, I guess not,” she said with a shrug of her own. As the two of you headed for the main gate, Enid peeled off to go find Alden and you pushed on to meet Carol.

You had briefly said hello when you had arrived, but she was doing her “Queenly” duties and you hadn’t had much of a chance to speak to her. Now, she looked to be gearing up. Ezekiel was next to her along with Kelly, Magna, Luke, and Yumiko.

“What’s going on?” you asked as you approached.

“Henry isn’t back yet,” Carol explained.

“He’s not? But they left last night. They should have beat us here,” you said with a furrowed brow.

“That’s what I thought,” Carol said and you could see a worried look in her eyes. A look you were all too familiar with. A weight settled on your chest as your hand rested on the pommel of Paul’s sword. “I have to go look for them.”

“I’ll go with you,” you promised. While Carol was worried about her child, you were suddenly very concerned for the other teen in the group.

Where was Lydia?

“You don’t have to,” Yumiko said as she pointed over your shoulder. You all turned to see the large doors open. Running ahead of a horse-pulled carriage was a familiar dog with its tail up in the air.

Michonne and Judith sat in the front of the carriage as Daryl walked alongside it. In the back were Connie, Henry, and Lydia. Dog began making circles around everyone as Henry hobbled out of the makeshift carriage and towards his parents.

Carol didn’t hesitate to pull him into her arms. Connie was doing the same thing with her sister and the rest of her family. As Ezekiel grabbed onto his wife and son, you went for Daryl.

“Ya showed,” he observed as you hugged him.

“Aaron suggested I needed a break,” you said and then stepped back so Carol could launch herself at her best friend. Henry was still hugging his dad and that’s when you noticed Lydia watching the interaction with an awkward stance.

You moved immediately to her side and slipped your arm around her shoulders. “Hey, kid,” you greeted and she gave you a closed-mouth smile.

“Hi,” Lydia said.

“Ya alright?” you asked, checking her over in case she was hurt. Lydia just nodded and fiddled with the wooden pendant around her neck.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Lydia whispered and you squeezed her shoulder, pulling her tighter against you.

“I figured it would be boring without my _winning_ personality,” you teased and she laughed a bit at that. She then became very stiff next to you. “What’s wrong?” you asked, but she was staring at something ahead. Looking up, you saw Tara staring at Lydia with venom in her eyes.

 _“What_ is she doing here?” Tara said and you placed Lydia behind you protectively. Henry then moved to her side and took hold of her hand. Tara watched the movement with anger.

Michonne, who had been speaking with Ezekiel and Carol as they got acquainted with Judith turned to the King and Queen.

“Gather the leaders,” Michonne said and then nodded at you as an invitation, “We need to talk.”

* * *

“I know I haven't always seen eye-to-eye with everyone in this room,” Michonne began, “but I never stopped caring about any of you. I was just trying to protect my family and do right by my people. Alexandria's future is here. Together, with you. And we lost sight of that for a while. But... I'm here now. We're here now.” 

Michonne then turned to you and gestured for you to speak. “Michonne, Gabriel, and I have all spoke with the other council members at the fair, and we all agree. Alexandria is willing to grant asylum to Lydia. She's one of us now. We hope the rest of you can join us in doing the same.”

“Since when do you speak for Alexandria?” Tara asked. 

“Since I asked them to,” Michonne defended. “(Y/N) has taken up a role that I had never expected. They are more than capable of not only speaking for us but defending us as well.” Tara was quiet after that and you couldn’t help but feel pride swell in your chest at her words. You had been so worried about how Michonne would see you after everything that had been going on with Negan, but she was still the woman you had met all those years. 

“Thank you,” Lydia spoke up from her spot between Judith and Henry in the theater seats. “I'll do whatever I can to earn my keep and pay you back.” You sent her a wink and she gave you her signature closed-lip smile. 

“If her mother retaliates, it's gonna be against Hilltop, not Alexandria. I have to do right by my people. I thought we were on the same page,” Tara said.

“We were,” you said. 

“Look, when she came to my gates,” Michonne said, “I asked her to run away. And when she didn't, I was angry.”

“Then you know why I'm not okay with this,” Tara said.

“I do. I also know why _Rick_ didn't trust _me_ when I showed up at the gates of the prison. And how people didn't trust _you_ after seeing you on the other side of the Governor's firing line,” Michonne said. 

“Or how Daryl nearly took my head off when he met me,” you added and Daryl raised a brow at you, remembering the moment. 

_“I_ was gonna kill you on sight when you washed up on our shore,” Rachel added. 

“Okay, okay,” Tara said. “That’s fair.” 

“Lydia didn’t choose where she came from,” you said. “None of us did, but she deserves the chance to be apart of something. She deserves a family who will care about her.” 

“Second chances don’t come around often,” Rachel added, supporting you. You thought that statement was ironic considering who was constantly living in your mind. 

“I left some of my best fighters at Hilltop, but if Daryl's right about these skin job numbers, it's not enough people,” Tara said. 

“We should take a group to Hilltop to protect ‘em just in case,” Daryl said. 

“I’ll take some from Kingdom,” added Carol. 

“Oceanside can spare some,” Rachel said. 

“Alexandria, too,” finished Gabriel. 

“Nobody is going to fight this war alone,” you said. “The only reason we won the last one is that we were together. If Alpha does come after us, we can’t afford to be on different sides anymore.” 

“So, we head out in the morning?” asked Rachel. 

“Nah, we go today,” Daryl said. “Best not to give them any more time.” Michonne then spoke up again. 

“In order to face this threat, the four communities have to present a united front. Which is why I'm proposing a mutual protection pact. An attack against one community is an attack against all of us. Together, we can make these people think twice before moving against the Hilltop,” Michonne said and you and Gabriel nodded, backing her up. 

“The leadership of the Kingdom is very amenable to this idea,” Ezekiel said after looking to his Queen. 

“Oceanside is in,” Rachel agreed. 

“So, how do we seal it?” Tara asked. “Cause I’m not doin’ a blood oath with (Y/N).” You just smiled sweetly at her. 

“I have just the thing…” Ezekiel said as he got up and walked into the wings of the stage. From a crate, he pulled out an old theater poster frame, and from it, he pulled the community charter. 

“You’ve had that thing this whole time?” you asked, impressed. 

“I’m a man of many surprises,” he said and you raised your hands in surrender. 

“Fair enough.” 

Ezekiel lay the charter on the table and one by one, the leaders of the communities signed. Rachel signed for Oceanside, Tara for Hilltop, Ezekiel and Carol for The Kingdom, and Gabriel for Alexandria. You looked at all the people in that room as you stood next to Daryl and you felt as something big had just happened. 

Everything was finally coming together and your family was finally whole again.

* * *

You and Judith began walking laps around the fair. 

The young girl picked at a candy apple that she held in her hands. “Can I ask you something?” Judith asked, peering up at you from under her hat. 

“Go for it,” you said. 

“Did you talk to him before you left?” she asked. 

“Subtle,” you said, flicking her hat. 

“I’m just making sure you’re okay,” Judith said. “I don’t like it when you two fight.” 

“When did you become such a matchmaker?” you asked. 

_“I’m not!”_ she said. “I can just see that he likes you a lot...maybe more than a lot.” You paused in your tracks. 

“What do you know?” you asked, your eyes narrowed. 

“Nothin’,” Judith said, but you weren’t buying it. 

“Remember Jude, I watched you grow up. I can see through you,” you said.

“Nope, I’m a wall!” she announced as she bit into her apple again. 

“Right,” you snorted.

“But _are you_ okay?” she asked, this time her voice was a bit more serious. Well, as serious as a ten or eleven-year-old could be. 

“Yeah, kid, I’m okay. I actually think I figured it all out,” you said. Which was true, you had figured it out, but now you were just trying to get the courage to do something about it. All in all, no matter how angry you were with him or how upset, what you felt for Negan was bigger than all of it. 

“Good,” she said with a smile. As the two of you walked, you began to feel a chill in the air. You noticed Lydia and Henry up ahead walking hand in hand and as your breath became visible before you, you shivered. “I think a storm is coming,” Judith said. 

“Yeah?” 

“I can feel it,” she said. 

“Where’d you learn that trick?” 

“From Mom who learned it from Uncle Daryl,” Judith said. You couldn’t help but smile at her then.

“Smart,” you said and she laughed before grabbing your hand and dragging you further into the fray, her candy apple swinging alongside her.

* * *

Back in Alexandria, Negan lay on the floor of his cell as he tossed a ball in his hands. 

When the door to the cell opened, he had no idea who it could be and because he knew it wasn’t you, he didn’t care. However, when he heard the person clear their throat, he did sit up. 

“What do I owe _this_ pleasure?” he asked. Laura stepped further into the light and in her hands was a new winter coat. 

“there’s a storm on the way,” she said. “I was asked to give you this.” Negan stood as she passed it through the bars. 

“Thanks, Laura,” he said and she nodded. Negan hadn’t spoken to his former lieutenant since the fall of the Sanctuary, at least no more than a few words here and there. 

“I’m sorry,” Laura suddenly said. Negan was confused as he braced a hand on the bars. 

“What are _you_ apologizing for? Isn’t that my job?” he asked. 

“I’m sorry that your life ended up like... _this_ ,” she said, but Negan was already shaking his head. 

“Don’t apologize for the shit that _I_ did,” he said. “You know better than anyone that what I was doin’ was eventually gonna get me dead or locked up. I guess I can just be glad that Rick didn’t cut any further than he did.” Laura nodded, hearing him. 

“Still, you were always fair to me and kind. I also wanted to thank you. While being a Savior wasn’t the most moral of things, if you hadn’t found me all those years ago and brought me to the Sanctuary, I’d be dead.”

“Silver lining, then?” he offered.

“A small one,” Laura said. Negan smiled softly at that. 

“I’m proud of you, Kid. You managed to make a new life, one that I should have tried to give you years ago. Don’t screw it up.” 

“I won’t if you won’t,” she said and then offered her fist to him. He bumped it with his own. 

“I’ll take that deal,” Negan said. Laura smiled and then went to leave, but right before she left, she turned one last time. 

“Oh and if you hurt (Y/N), I’ll castrate you with a rusty spoon,” she said with a grin before leaving. Negan stared after her and he was suddenly very aware of everything on his body. 

“Fucking hell.”

* * *

Eventually, it was time to head to Hilltop. 

When you told Aaron you were going to help, he wasn’t surprised. “I knew you couldn’t sit still for long,” he had said. “Just be careful.”

You promised that you would and headed to the main gate to prepare to leave. Daryl was getting his bike off the trailer when you found him. You were tightening your sword’s scabbard when he looked up. 

“Ready to go?” you asked. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Lydia is gonna stay here and then Aaron and Gabriel will bring her to Alexandria.”

“Sounds good,” you said. 

“Mmhmm,” he said. “Are you in any rush to get back there?” 

“You and Judith spend too much time together,” you said with a knowing look. 

“So, you and Negan…”

“We really don’t need to talk about it, D,” you said. 

“Are ya sure?”

“I’m so over talking about it,” you admitted. “I just gotta _do something.”_

“When ya do, I don’t need the details,” he snarked. 

“Asshole,” you muttered and he just smirked. “Where ya gonna go after we get to Hilltop? I heard Ezekiel offering you to make Kingdom your home.” 

“Not sure if this place is gonna last much longer,” he said with a sigh. 

“You know that Alexandria is always going to be your home, right? No matter how long it's been.” 

“I know,” he said. 

“We can’t keep running, Daryl. _Come home,_ ” you said. He was quiet for a moment before he dropped his head. 

“Alright,” he agreed, “but _after_ we handle Hilltop.” 

“Okay.” 

Soon everyone was saying goodbye and assuring that they would all be safe. Tara was sending her people out first before following after. Ezekiel was trying to get her to stay for the rest of the fair, but she said that she needed to get home. So, Dianne was going to lead her soldiers home. 

As you were securing Daryl’s bow to his bike, you noticed him with Dog as he spoke to Connie. It was subtle, but there was something about his body language that told you a lot. Perhaps Connie was _more_ than just a friend. You watched on as he awkwardly waved to her and when he turned back to you, his eyes narrowed. 

“Shut up,” he said as he went up to you. 

“I didn’t say anything,” you said. 

“Nah, but you were thinking it. I can see it on your face,” he said. 

“She’s pretty,” you said. 

“And yer annoyin’,” he countered. 

“Hey, who am I to judge?” you said with your hands raised. 

“Yeah, _exactly_.” With a roll of your eyes, you climbed onto the back of Daryl’s bike as he took the spot in front. Michonne waved to Judith as you and the others pulled out of Kingdom. You hadn’t seen Lydia before you left, but Ezekiel said that he would keep an eye on her for you. 

It was odd that you had essentially become her advocate with Daryl as her main protector. You never imagined you would essentially become a parent to a messed up teen, but here you were. 

Yumiko and Magna rode behind you, their weapons at the ready and you kept your head on a swivel as you all move through the woods. Walkers were around, but only a few at a time and were easily taken out by the archers. Still, any time one would make itself known, you could feel Daryl tense in front of you. It was going to be a long night.

You were well into the ride when you came across three men who flagged you down. 

Carol seemed to know them as she walked up to meet them. “What’s wrong, Ozzy?” she asked. 

“Ya gotta see this, Boss,” the man, Ozzy, said. He seemed very concerned as he gestured you all forward. Daryl shouldered his bow as he followed and you and Michonne were right behind him, both of your hands on your swords. 

The Highway Men, as Carol referred to them, had been acting as security and watchers for The Kingdom. They were good trackers, fighters, and were the newest addition to the community. What they had found on their patrol, worried you a lot. 

It looked as if a pack of wild animals had attacked a caravan. “We were clearing the roads. Spotted tracks leading here,” Ozzy said. 

“It's from Hilltop,” Yumiko said, holding up one of the wooden pendants that were crafted there. The same one that Lydia wore around her neck. 

“Walkers didn’t do this,” you said with a glance to Daryl “This was people.”

“Skins?” Michonne asked and then looked to the Highway Men. “You know about them?”

“We got the download,” Ozzy confirmed. “We would have seen any people out here with my patrols, but not if they were covered in Skins.”

“Fantastic,” you said, your nerves growing. 

“(Y/N),” Daryl called, “look at this.” You met him down by the broken carriage and realized what he was seeing. 

“They fought back,” you said. “They were dragged away. That way,” you said with a point. 

“Come on,” Daryl said. 

“We can’t all go,” Dianne said. “If this _was_ the Whisperers, then they would have followed this from Hilltop. We need to get back.”

“Michonne and I will go with (Y/N) and Daryl,” Carol said. “Rest of you ride for Hilltop.”

“We can continue our patrols around here,” Ozzy said and Carol nodded. 

“Alright,” said Michonne. “We’ll see if we can find them and bring them home.” You nodded to Michonne and then everyone was shaking hands and promising to meet up later. Yumiko then joined you, offering her bow. 

“Stay close and if you see Walkers, don’t hesitate. They could be Whisperers,” you said. 

“And if they are,” Michonne said, “go for the kill.”

* * *

“I _really_ don’t like this,” you said as you walked next to Yumiko. Carol and Daryl were in the front while Michonne was at the back, her Katana in her hand.

“Neither do I,” Yumiko said as she gripped her bow tighter. “Do you people do this a lot?”

“Only when it’s necessary,” you said. “We try not to get involved, but we usually end up doing just that.”

“I don’t know how you do it,” she said.

“We do it because nobody else will.”

“And your families, are they okay with this?”

“My family is right in front of me,” you said. “We’ve been fighting since day one, I don’t think any of that is going to change.”

“Then I’m glad that I have you on my side,” Yumiko said and you gave her a half-smile.

“Me too.”

Daryl was tracking the Hilltop members that were attacked. You kept back, but mirrored his steps, just in case he missed anything. He never did, but it was a force of habit. All you could think about was Alpha’s face and every shadow in the woods was keeping you on edge.

 _“Don’t give her an inch…”_ Negan had said. He had wanted you to be strong and you weren’t going to let him down. Whatever happened when you saw him again, it didn’t matter. You just needed to see his face again. _That_ was what kept you going.

You had to get home to Negan.

“Magna is worried about me,” Yumiko said, trying to change the mood. You nodded, grateful for the distraction.

“That’s actually a good thing. It means she cares about you,” you said.

“Do you have one? A Magna?” Yumiko asked.

“Sort of,” you said with a sigh. “It’s complicated.”

“Word of advice,” Yumiko said. “Uncomplicate it because if you are lucky to have them, you better keep them.”

“Thanks, Yumiko,” you said and she knocked your shoulder with her own.

As you walked, Michonne and you both took down Walkers with your blades, taking their heads off their shoulders. It took you a few to get the hang of the new weapon, but it was beginning to feel natural. You would definitely need to do some proper training with Michonne when you got home though.

It was after dusk when Daryl told everyone to halt. Then, from out of the trees came Walkers that you instantly recognized.

“They’re from Hilltop!” you said as you went for the first one. In a long arc, you swung your sword at the Dead man who came at you. His head was cut from his body and you pierced the brain as it rolled to your feet.

From there on, more and more Dead converged as the sun set and darkness wrapped around the five of you. “I can’t see,” Yumiko said.

“Stay together!” Daryl shouted, placing you at his back as you and Michonne leveled your blades. The archers, all three of them, let go of their bows and drew their knives. Daryl held two blades in each of his hands as he prepared to strike.

“Watch their hands!” Michonne yelled as the Walkers fell upon you. You could feel the blood from the other Dead splashing on the back of your neck as you fought your own Walkers.

Your arms stung from the exertion, but you couldn’t slow down. Fear settled into your bones as you fought, but Negan’s voice returned to you.

 _“You are_ stronger _than them and the only way they win is if you let them_ ,” he had said and with those words being screamed in your head, you swung again, feeling your adrenaline spike.

“Back to the road!” Daryl yelled and everyone began running. “This way,” he grunted reaching for you, but before you could find him in the dark, the sound of a gun cocking had everyone freezing in their steps.

“Drop them,” a horrific whisper said and if you hadn't already been scared, that sound chilled you to your soul. More and more whispers came from around you and your grip loosened on your sword. “I won’t ask twice.”

“Beta…” Daryl sneered and you felt your heart fall into your heart. Beta was alive and you could feel the anger that echoed around him. One by one you all dropped your weapons and the Skins picked them up. Seeing the dirty hands of a Whisperer touch Paul’s sword made you sick.

“You just had to give me the girl,” Beta whispered. “No one else had to die. Now that deal...is done.” His words washed over you and no matter how many times you tried to focus on Negan’s face or his voice, all you heard was Beta’s horrifying voice.

“You touch the girl and I’ll tear your throat out with my teeth,” you snarled. Beta walked up to you and grabbed you by the throat, angling your face to meet his. You stared back with unwavering disgust.

“You make veiled threats,” he said.

“Come a little closer and we’ll see how veiled they are,” you said, pushing in closer. Beta shoved you back and you stumbled into Carol who quickly righted you.

“Take them,” Beta ordered and his people moved in.

One by one, you were tied up. The Skins tied your hands behind your back and pressed blades to your backs, forcing you to walk ahead, leading you somewhere. Your heart was trying to leap from your chest, but you took deep breaths as you tried to keep a level head.

You could still smell the rot that revolved around Beta and it made your stomach churn. You were forced to walk behind Yumiko whose hands were moving. In the moonlight, you could make out some of the shapes and realized she was signing.

 _“Stay calm,”_ she was signing over and over again. You were very grateful then that you knew ASL well enough to understand her.

You walked for a bit longer before you reached a clearing and suddenly, you were seven years younger. You half expected for headlights to light up the surrounding area. Daryl and Michonne must have felt it too as they were tense as well.

However, this time, Negan would not be there to just kill two of you. Beta could slaughter all of you for no reason and then turn his sights on Kingdom, Alexandria, and then Hilltop and Oceanside. This was it, you thought, you were going to die.

The Whisperers pushed you into a semicircle, making sure your hands were still secured. You were between Daryl and Michonne and tried to focus on their breathing, but it was difficult. Even if they were thinking of an escape plan, nobody could voice it and nobody was coming to save you.

From the darkness, Alpha finally made herself known. She crept through the night like a predator stalking her prey. Expect, Alpha didn’t kill for food, she killed for sport.

“You ain’t getting her back,” Daryl said, facing down the Matron of the pack.

“You think this is about my daughter?” Alpha asked, tilting her head. “I ran into some trouble on the road,” she said, wiping blood from the knife in her hands on her pants. You struggled against your bonds, wanting to rip her eyes out with your nails. “It was unavoidable.”

“Bullshit,” you shot, but Alpha ignored you.

“Do you like my new camp?” she asked. “My people like to keep moving, keep roaming.”

“We’ve granted Lydia asylum,” you said. “You try to take her and we will fight back.”

“What is your name?” Alpha asked, stopping in front of you.

“...(Y/N),” you said.

“Do they speak for you?” Alpha asked the others.

“We speak for each other,” Daryl countered. Alpha sniffed, unaffected by Daryl’s attempt at camaraderie. Instead, she continued to pace in front of the five of you. 

“My daughter isn’t a concern anymore. She was weak, she never lived up to expectations.”

“ _Was?”_ you asked as the worst-case scenario entered your mind. “What did you do to her!” Still, Alpha ignored you.

“To be clear,” she said, “your group is in no position to threaten me. That is a habit that needs to be broken.”

“Oh, I’ll break something,” you threatened and Alpha merely smiled at you as if you were some child she was humoring. Turning her attention back to Daryl she pointed at him.

“Come with me,” Alpha said. “Just you.” Beta cut Daryl’s bonds and then pushed him forward. You struggled to go after him, but you couldn’t move.

Daryl glanced back at you once more before following Alpha into the darkness of the trees.

* * *

Daryl was gone for a while, and with every minute that ticked by, you grew more fearful that his body was somewhere being torn apart by the Dead.

You, Michonne, Carol, and Yumiko were sitting together by a fallen tree as you waited to be released. Beta was across from the four of you, watching the woods, waiting for his orders.

You began to think about Rick. What would he do right now? What would he say? You also began to think about the conversation you had once had with Negan about evil and humanity. 

Alpha and Beta _were_ evil and there was no doubt about it. Evil was around you and you could not find a shred of light to hold onto. Rick had wanted to build a new world, but if this is what it was going to look like, you didn’t want it. 

“This is _not_ how I’m dying,” you whispered. 

“Nobody is going to die,” Michonne said. “I don’t think Alpha wants to kill us.”

“She said ‘no one _else_ had to die’, meaning she already killed those Hilltop people and now she’s going to keep going. With us.”

“Just try to stay calm.”

“This is me calm. I’m calm and I’m pissed.” 

“We’re going to get out of this,” Carol said who hadn’t taken her eyes off of Beta since she sat down. 

“I left too much shit unfinished,” you admitted, unable to stop yourself. 

“I know,” Michonne said and there was a bit of pity in the tone of her voice. “You know, I actually _wish_ for his psycho ass right about now,” Michonne said and you couldn’t argue with that. 

“Don’t we all,” you agreed. 

“Who?” Carol asked and Michonne hesitated, but you just shrugged. 

“Negan,” Michonne said. 

“Who’s that?” Yumiko asked.

“Asshole who we have locked up back home,” said Michonne. 

“You think he could take on Beta?” Carol asked, but you shook your head. 

“I don’t think a _bulldozer_ could take on Beta,” you said with a glare in the man’s direction. 

“Negan _would be_ a good distraction,” Michonne figured and then stopped speaking as she saw the look in your eyes. “Or not.” Carol looked at you in confusion. 

You couldn’t imagine Negan going up against someone like Beta. Everyone you had seen him fight, he had been the bigger one. He had been the one in charge _and_ the one with the edge. Negan fighting Beta would have been like a Mustang charging a Semi Truck. That was not something you wanted to see. 

“Am I missing something?” Carol asked. 

“No,” you and Michonne said at the same time. Carol narrowed her eyes but didn’t push it any further. Instead, you all sat there in silence as you waited for the fate you were sure you were about to meet.

You didn’t know how much time had passed when the sun began to rise again. Nobody spoke and nobody moved as the Whisperers began to disperse. Beta then gestured to you and your companions. 

Slowly, his people approached and cut your bonds. Nobody dared to move as Beta watched over you. He then ordered his people to hand back your weapons. 

“Go West,” he sneered. “You’ll find your man.” 

“Come on,” Michonne said, moving Carol in front of her as Yumiko followed. You hesitated, glaring at Beta who leveled his knife at you in something that felt like a promise. Almost as if he was saying that the next time he saw you, he was going to kill you. In your mind, you made the same promise. 

The sun rose quickly as you hiked through the woods, following Beta’s orders. “Something feels wrong,” you said as you fastened your sword to your side. Carol was holding Daryl’s bow and blades as you walked. 

“We got out, that’s all that matters,” Michonne said, but you had a feeling something was very wrong.

It didn’t take long for you to find Daryl. 

He seemed unharmed, but you could tell he was angry. Carol reached him first, handing him his bow and kissing him on the cheek. Michonne hugged him too and Yumiko clapped him on the shoulder. When he reached you, you hugged him tightly.

“I thought she was going to kill you,” you said. 

“Nah, not yet,” he said and then nodded his head in another direction. “This way.” 

You all followed Daryl who seemed to be on a mission. Whatever Alpha had told him had him set on a path and you were willing to go with him no matter what. 

You walked until the sun was finally above you and then, Daryl picked up his speed. “Daryl?” you called, but he just kept running. Eventually, you saw what he was running towards. “Oh my god.” 

“Siddiq!” Michonne yelled as she ran up the hill towards the Doctor who was leaning against a dead tree and behind him, was another. 

“Enid!” you yelled as you saw her struggling as well. You slid to her side, using one of Daryl’s knife that he tossed to you to cut her bonds. As soon as she was free, she nearly crawled to you, gripping you tight. Enid was shaking and so was Siddiq who held onto Michonne. “Shh, it’s okay,” you assured her. 

“What happened?” Michonne asked, but both of them could barely speak.

“I… I…,” Siddiq stuttered out as Enid pointed up the hill with tears in her eyes. Slowly, you pulled Enid into you and began the trek up the hill. 

_“No…”_ you whispered in horror as you saw what was ahead. It was too far to make out details, but the smell of fresh and Dead blood wafted towards you. Enid was trembling in your arms as tears fell down her face. 

Nobody spoke as you crested the hill, but nobody needed to as you got closer. As soon as it became apparent _what_ was before you, Yumiko fell to her knees and Michonne gasped in pain. 

At the top of the hill were nine pikes and on each one, was the head of someone you knew.

You started at the beginning, your bones as cold as ice as milky white eyes stared at you. They hadn’t killed the brain and as you looked at the first pike, Ozzy, the Highway Man, was staring at you with vacant eyes and a gaping mouth. Next to him was Alek, and then, DJ. 

Your heart sank as you saw who was next. Frankie, one of Negan’s former wives and a spitfire of a woman. Her red hair blew in the wind as blood and gore dripped from the flesh at the base of her severed neck. 

Tammy was next and Enid cried harder as she saw the older woman. A woman you knew who had taken care of Enid at Hilltop. You struggled to keep the young woman upright, but it was difficult as you nearly collapsed when you saw the next two. 

Rodney and Addy. 

The teens that you knew from Hilltop were gasping with their breathless mouths as their gray skin dulled in the sunlight, but who was next made you crash to the ground. 

_“No!”_ you screamed as you saw Tara’s dark hair blowing in the wind.

Enid fell next to you as the woman who she saw as a sister stared at her with empty eyes. Sobs echoed out of you as you stared at her, but that wasn’t compared to Daryl who immediately began yelling. 

“No, _No!”_ he yelled as he ran for Carol “Just look at me, just look at me,” he said as he held onto his best friend. That’s when you finally looked at the final pike and everything around you broke. 

It was _Henry_. 

Enid was leaning all of her weight onto you just as Siddiq was doing to Michonne. Carol had fallen into Daryl and Yumiko was crying as she beheld the horror. 

_Alpha_ had done this. She had taken these people from you, but left two alive as witnesses. She had killed _children_ , friends, leaders, and left you feeling empty. 

You had been through so much, _lost_ so much, and, yet this felt as if someone had torn your _soul_ from your body. As the wind continued to blow, all you could hear were Enid’s screams and Carol’s sobs as yet another child was stolen from her. 

* * *

“We were there,” Siddiq began as he stood on the stage in The Kingdom.

You stood next to Daryl and Lydia was in front of you both as you listened. Enid was across from you in the protective arms of Alden who hadn’t let her go since you returned. 

“Enid and I were taken with the others. And I saw... We were supposed to die with them and I was ready to.” Siddiq went on, speaking for both him and Enid considering she could barely say a word. Aaron was sure she was in shock. 

Siddiq went on, “Then, Alpha whispered in our faces as she knelt before us, ‘Tell them’, she said… she then said that two sets of eyes were better than one. Then, something hit me, and everything went black.”

Lydia leaned back into you and you gripped her tight. You noticed that Daryl was holding onto the other side of her. You knew that you needed to protect her now more than ever. 

“And when I woke up, it was just the two of us,” Siddiq said with a look to Enid who stared back with red-rimmed eyes. “What happened was evil. It was evil. And I think she left us alive to tell you that story. To scare you and to drive us all apart again. But I want to tell you a _different_ story.” Siddiq then looked at you and you could see that he was struggling. You gave him a nod of encouragement. 

“See,” he went on, “before the end... Ozzy, Alek, and DJ found us and they gave us an opening. And _everyone_ fought back. They fought like hell. And what they did was more than brave. 'Cause they _defended_ each other. And they _sacrificed_ for each other... And some of them... they didn't even know each other, but they still fought like they did. Like they were family. 'Till the very end.”

Tears were flowing from his eyes and your own, but you tried to put on a brave face for him, for Enid. 

“And in the end, they... Their time was cut short, but ours keeps going. So we _have_ to keep going. For them and for all of us. We need to honor them. We need to honor them, and we need to remember these friends, our family, died as heroes. That's the story that I want to tell you. That's the story that I want us all to remember.”

In the quiet of the fair as Ezekiel and Carol cried in silence, you swore that you would remember and when it came down to it, you would avenge them.

* * *

Once the pikes were taken care of and the tears stopped, for the time being, people began to move out. 

However, as winter moved in, The Kingdom was no longer capable to house the members of the community. They would need to move and Michonne was going to stay to help them do that.

While you wanted nothing more to help, you needed to be somewhere else, _with_ someone else. As you stood by the main building of The Kingdom’s square, Michonne approached you. 

“There’s a storm coming,” she said quietly, her voice a bit hoarse from crying. You were sure that yours sounded the same. 

“I know.” 

“We need to move these people to Hilltop and Alexandria,” she said and you nodded in agreement. “(Y/N),” she said, “can you get her home, please?” 

Turning to look at her, you were surprised to hear the desperation in her tone. “Michonne?” you asked. 

“Please, get Judith home and protect her. Protect my daughter,” she said, once again on the verge of tears. You pulled her into your arms and clutched at your friend. You hadn’t been the closest with Michonne since she arrived at the gates of the prison, but you had a feeling that was about to change. 

When you pulled back, you held her by the shoulders and looked her in the eyes. “I will,” you said. “I will protect her with my life.” 

“They were brave,” Michonne whispered and you knew who she meant. 

_“Yes,_ they were,” you agreed. “And we will _not_ let their deaths be in vain.” Michonne nodded, gripping your arms. 

“Go to him,” she said. 

“Michonne…”

“No, you _listen_ to me,” she said as it was her turn to be serious. “I do not care what people think about him. Don’t worry about that. He could have _lost_ you and as much as I have my demons when it comes to Negan, you _have_ to go. Trust me when I say that Death does _not_ discriminate when it comes to the man someone loves. Even if that man is...unconventional.” 

“But…”

“No,” she cut you off. “Take Judith and go home. Stop overthinking it, (Y/N). You said you had left things unfinished, right?”

“Right.”

“Then, _finish them.”_

* * *

The ride to Alexandria was very different than the departure. 

You rode on a horse alongside the carriage that held Gabriel, Aaron, Gracie, Judith, Eugene, and others. Nobody spoke and nobody relaxed until the comforting gates of Alexandria were in view. 

For the kids’ sake you put on a brave face, but as soon as your horse came to a stop and the gates slid closed, you could barely keep it together. “Scott!” you called as you dismounted. He ran up to you as you helped Judith down from the makeshift carriage. “Take her,” you begged the man. He nodded as he gathered his bag. You then turned to Judith. “You need to go to your brother,” you said. 

“What?” she asked. 

“Go find RJ and give him the _biggest_ hug he can handle, okay?” Judith nodded at your words.

“Are you going to be okay?” 

“Not for a while,” you admitted, and then she was wrapping her small arms around you and you let a tear slide down your cheek. “I’m going to come over later and we’ll have dinner, okay?”

“Okay,” she whispered and with a final squeeze, you let her go as she ran after Scott who was waiting for her. Ignoring Aaron, Eugene, and the others, you turned your back on the stables and began to run. 

You didn’t slow as you ran towards the main street. Your boots slid on the slick spots of ice that littered the ground, but you kept going. Stopping before the Grimes house, you searched your pockets for your key ring. 

You couldn’t get your hands to stop shaking as you found the right one and jogged down the steps towards the jail. Slipping the key in the lock, you shoved the door open.

The loud noise alerted Negan to your presence. He was laying on his cot, but when he saw the tears that flowed down your cheeks and coated your collar, he launched to his feet. 

_“(Y/N)?”_ he asked, staring at you in shock. You kept moving, switching the key on the ring and inserting it into the lock of the cell itself. You wrenched it open and faced him, taking him all in. “What happened?” he asked, staring at you with concern. 

You didn’t answer him right away. Instead, you took your time to memorize his face, the set of his jaw, how his shoulders were settled on his torso, and especially that wonderful light that was in his eyes. You choked back another sob as you moved into his space. 

“(Y/N)?” Negan asked you again. Reaching up, you placed your hands on his face, feeling the warmth of life beneath his skin. With a deep breath, you got your voice back. 

“Don’t make me lose you, too,” you whispered, and then you gripped him by the back of his neck and pulled his lips to yours.

Negan immediately wrapped his arms around you, holding you closer to him as he kissed you back without hesitation. It was as if a dam broke inside you as light burst behind your eyes. Negan kissed you tenderly, but it was full of urgency as well. 

Pulling yourself tighter against him, you were worried that he would be pulled away at any moment. He didn’t seem to be ready to let go either as he lifted you up, tilting his head back to get a better angle.

Your tears dripped down onto his face, wetting the stubble on his jaw, but he didn’t care. Negan didn’t care about anything else at that moment. _All_ he cared about was you in his arms as he finally got to show much you meant to him.

When you pulled back to get some air, he set you down. Negan looked at you in awe and while you knew you had to explain what had happened, there was something you had to say first. Something that you had felt for a long time. 

“I love you, Negan,” you said, your voice soft as it mingled with his own breath. He looked in your eyes and you watched as the words resonated with him. His eyes grew softer and all the tension in his body dissolved. Negan reached up and placed his hand against your face. 

“I love you, too,” he said and then pulled your lips back to his.

You clutched at the man in your arms, your new reason for living. You knew that war was finally coming and that Death was not done with any of you yet, but in that small cell, in the arms of the man you loved, you let it all become whispers on the wind as the first snowflakes began to fall.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As a blizzard sets in, the reader needs to begin to deal with what happened at the fair. With Negan by their side, they begin to do just that. When the Alexandrians are forced to stay inside, what will happen as the storm approaches?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Be Still” by The Fray
> 
> Note: A chapter that I love! Thank you for so much love on this series. I never imagined that this is where this simple idea would go! You are fantastic. Enjoy some fluff!

“Remember when you said you weren’t a morning person?” 

“Hmm?” you asked. Your eyes were closed as you lay next to Negan. You could feel his body heat next to you as he leaned on his elbow, gazing down at you. 

“Well, morning _definitely_ loves you,” he said as he brushed his finger over your cheek.

“You’re staring,” you said. 

“How do you know? Your eyes are closed,” he said. 

“Mind-reading,” you said with a smirk. 

_“Very funny,”_ he said, and then you felt his lips on your forehead. You smiled then as he moved to your temple and then down your neck. 

_“Negan…”_ you whined, pushing him back.

“This is all _your_ fault,” he said as his hand ran up your side. _“You_ said it first.” Negan pulled you closer to him and ran his nose down your neck and into your hair. 

You had been spending the night in Negan’s cell the past couple of nights. Mostly because you couldn’t handle sleeping alone. The nightmarish images of your friends on those pikes were still fresh in your mind. Also, the memory of Enid’s screams and Carol’s sobs tore through you every minute you allowed yourself to think about it. 

Negan had been there for you and he had been patient. You had briefly explained what had happened, but you couldn’t go into any more detail without breaking down. However, any time that you did, he was there to pick you up and hold you.

Since telling him that you loved him, there was an unspoken bond between the two of you. You and Negan leaned on each other and it was the only thing that was keeping you together at the moment. 

Still, the losses were very fresh in your mind. After losing Jesus, the deaths of Tara, Henry, and the others felt like you were being crushed. You didn’t know how you were going to go on, but at least you still had the man next to you to stay by your side. 

“Say it again,” you whispered, finally opening your eyes and looking at him. His eyes were heavy as he leaned back and stared down at you. Negan wet his lips as he smiled softly. 

“I love you,” he said softly and you sighed in happiness. 

“You’re amazing,” you whispered as you reached up to touch his face. He leaned into your hand as his other hand ran up to cup the side of your neck. Negan’s fingers then slowly wrapped around your throat, applying just the slightest amount of pressure. 

“And _you’re_ ridiculous,” he said with a thick voice. 

“What are you going to do about it?” you challenged and he raised his eyebrow as he leaned over you and pressed his lips to yours. You kissed him back, very aware of his entire body and the hand that was still on your neck. 

Negan rolled so he was hovering above you. You ran your hands over his back and sunk into the cot below you. It was times like these that you let yourself lose control. It had been a long time since you had been with someone, let alone someone who understood you the way that Negan did. 

He smelled of denim, firewood, and rain and it was glorious. He smelled like home and you focused on it as if you could memorize it. Your hands found their way into his shorn hair and across the stubble on his cheek. When you bit down on his lower lip he grinned. 

“Who knew that (Y/N) (Y/L/N) was such a _dominant_ individual?” he asked. 

“Everyone besides you apparently,” you breathed. Negan laughed as he settled back beside you on the small surface. His arms remained around you as he trailed his hands down your side. 

It was a while before either of you spoke again and when you did, you said something you had been nervous to say for a while. However, you needed to say it. “I’m sorry about Frankie,” you said as you played with his fingers. He froze for a second before nodding.

“I’m not sure I’m allowed to be upset about that,” Negan said. 

“You still knew her. And correct me if I’m wrong, but there has to be a part of you that cares what happened to her.” Negan sighed. 

“I just wish I treated her better,” he admitted.

“I know,” you whispered. 

“I know it bothers you,” Negan said. 

“What?” 

“The fact that I did that to all those women.”

“We don’t need to talk about it. At least, not now,” you said, not wanting to dive into his former harem. Especially, when you were sharing his bed. 

“I just want you to know that I would _never_ … not now, not again. It’s _just_ you now,” he said, trying to find the words.

“Hey,” you said, reaching up to turn his face back towards you as he had shied away from you. “I know that. You’re different now and I see it, trust me I do.” 

“Thank you,” he said. You patted his cheek before sinking back down under the blanket that was wrapped around you. “It’s gettin’ cold,” he said, trying to change the subject which you were grateful for. 

“I know and my fireplace finally stopped workin’, so I’m going to be hanging in the meeting hall during the snowstorm.”

“Good luck with that,” Negan snorted, but you just raised your brows at him. 

“You’re comin’ too, big man. It’s going to be a full-on blizzard. I’m not having you freeze down here.” 

“Is that so?” he asked. “Are you _sure_ we can’t just stay in your house?” 

“Without a fire?” you asked, already shivering at the thought. Negan grinned down at you as he tugged you further into his side. 

“I hear body heat is _very_ beneficial,” he whispered. 

“Oh my god…” you said, playfully pushing him away. A smile spread on your face and Negan ran his thumb over your bottom lip. 

“I knew I could make that happen,” he said softly. You let your eyes close again as you listened to his steady breath. The comforting sound was what lulled you to sleep the past couple of nights. 

“Gabriel has already agreed to move you into the meeting hall,” you said, peeking through narrowed eyes. 

“Yeah, in chains,” Negan said with a frown. 

“It’s better than freezing,” you said. “Judith and I will be there as well. RJ too. Though, _Rosita_ is also going to be there.”

“Oh, great, evil baby mamma part two,” he said with a grimace. 

“Don’t be mean,” you scolded. 

“Sorry,” he said as he kissed your cheek again. Negan then shifted so you were laying on his chest. Your fingers drummed out a rhythm that matched his heartbeat. He rubbed his hand down your back soothingly as you basked in the silence of the morning. “What are you thinking about?” he asked. 

“I’m worried about the others,” you admitted. “I don’t like the thought of them being on the road right now.” Daryl, Michonne, Carol, Ezekiel, and others were helping the people of the Kingdom move to Hilltop. Lydia had gone with them after you had tried to persuade her to come to Alexandria early. However, she had told you that she needed to help when she called you over the radio Michonne let her borrow. 

You didn’t like the idea of her out there when her mother just declared war. Alpha _seemed_ to be over Lydia, but you knew that even the worst mothers would always have that soft spot for their children. Alpha’s just happened to be very deep down in the dark pit she considered a soul.

“They’re gonna be fine,” Negan assured you. “They have Daryl, Michonne, Aaron, _and_ Carol with them. With those fighters, they can handle it.” 

“If they cross into Alpha’s lands…” you said, unable to finish that sentence. 

“They won’t,” Negan said. 

“You do remember that _Daryl_ is with them, right? He makes shit decisions _especially_ when he’s with Carol.”

“He won’t do it when he’s got a kid with him,” Negan said. “Isn’t that Whisperer kid with them? What’s her name? Lia?”

“Lydia,” you corrected, “and yeah, but she’s still dealin’ with Henry’s death and I’m worried people are going to start blaming her for everything. 

“You sound like you care about her,” he noticed.

“I don’t know what it is,” you said. “Lydia is just...she’s _lost_ and I guess I’m just trying to help her find her way. Now, with Henry dying and her mother doing what she did…”

“I’m so sorry you lost them like that,” Negan said softly. 

“It was horrible,” you said, letting the words just come out. “I mean, I knew it was going to be when we saw the pikes from the distance, but I _never_ imagined…”

“You don’t have to tell me,” he said. 

“I want to,” you said, turning over so you could look him in the eye. “I don’t think it was fear that I was feeling when I walked up that hill. It was almost like a sense of inevitably. I knew _something_ was coming, but I didn’t know what. I’ve seen horrible things in my life since the world ended, Negan, but that? That was something you only saw in movies back when special effects were a thing. How could a human being do that to another?” 

“I don’t know,” Negan said. 

“He was a _child_ , Negan,” you said as Henry’s face entered your mind. “How could a person make a mother see their _child_ like that? I have seen enough kids die. I had to watch Carol’s daughter die, I had to watch Noah, another teenager die, and then _Carl_ … I can’t do it anymore.”

“So, we protect her,” Negan decided. “No other kid is going to die.”

“The only way we can do that is if we kill Alpha,” you said. 

“That’s not going to be easy.”

“It never is,” you sighed. 

“You have to be careful, (Y/N). Something tells me that this is going to be a lot more complicated than we all think.” 

“I’m scared,” you said. 

“I’d be worried if you weren’t,” Negan said. 

“Not all of us are going to make it out of this one,” you said. 

“You better,” Negan said. “I mean it. You better not make me lose you, not after everything we went through to find each other.”

“I’m not goin’ anywhere,” you whispered. “I promise.” Negan then tugged you up to him and pulled you down. You kissed him firmly as his hand wrapped around the back of your neck, keeping you in place. Just as his other arm wrapped around your waist, the door to the jail opened. 

“I’m not looking!” Judith said as she walked backward into the jail. You separated from Negan with a breathy chuckle as you sat up and turned to see Judith with her hat over her eyes, trying to offer you some sort of privacy. 

“Judith, it’s fine,” you said as Negan sat up next to you, fixing his rumpled shirt. She slowly turned around, peaking under the brim of her hat. When she realized she was no longer interrupting anything, she straightened it up off her brow. 

“Oh, good,” she said with an awkward grin. “Father Gabriel needs help tying things down.”

“Okay, I’ll be right up,” you said and Judith nodded before running from the room. Negan started laughing as soon as she left. 

“I feel like a teenager sneaking around,” he admitted. 

“I guess some things _don’t_ change in the Apocalypse,” you said as you leaned over and kissed him once more. “I’ll see you later.”

“You better,” he said as he knocked his knuckles under your chin playfully. With a roll of your eyes, you locked up the cage behind you and went to help the rest of the community prepare for the blizzard.

* * *

You found yourself helping Eugene and Rosita secure the West wall.

As you hammered planks onto the steel slats and secured the scaffolding that spanned up to the watchpoints, Rosita was trying to make small talk.

“You know,” she began, “I think you’ve changed.”

“How so?” you asked.

“I’ve noticed you seem a bit more personable.”

_“Personable?”_ you echoed, amused.

“Yeah, reminds me of the old days,” she said with a shrug.

“Is that a good thing?” you asked.

“Definitely,” Rosita said. “I can’t have all that negative energy around my kid.”

“Hilarious,” you said with a roll of your eyes.

“You’re gonna be okay, (Y/N),” she said softly. “I can’t imagine what you saw on that hill, but I’ve seen you come out of worse.” You nodded as your hands froze on the task at hand. Rosita was that person that never lied to you so hearing her say that she had faith that you were going to be okay meant a lot.

“Thanks, Ro,” you said and she smiled softly before grabbing a box and heading over to the meeting hall where Gabriel was waiting.

You and Eugene worked in tandem then, passing tools and materials back and forth. It was a little while later Eugene spoke up.

“I never thanked you for helpin’ me that night,” Eugene said.

“I think you did,” you said, “but you’re welcome nonetheless.”

“I can’t believe Tara is just... _gone_. Seems like a long time ago myself and my two amigos ran into you and your two on the road.”

“Yeah, it does, doesn’t it?” you said as you thought back to the day you, Tara, and Glenn met Eugene, Ro, and Abraham. “Now it’s just the three of us…”

“Three is better than none,” Eugene offered.

“I know,” you said. You and Eugene were quiet for a little while longer before he spoke again.

“I understand, you know,” he said.

“Understand what?” you asked as you handed him a hammer.

“Negan,” he said. “I understand why you feel the need to lock lips and square dance with the man.”

“Not sure anyone is doin’ any square dancin’, Eugene,” you muttered, embarrassed at his choice of words.

“Regardless, I get it. He’s a complicated man, but he makes ya feel important. Maybe now he actually means it.” You paused at that, looking over at him slowly. “Actually, I’m _sure_ he means it,” he quickly corrected. “However, if I’m bein’ honest, that tall, broad-chested man still scares me to the heavens so I don’t think I’m the right person to say anything.”

“Probably not,” you said, grabbing your things and putting everything away in your bag.

“I didn’t mean any harm,” Eugene said. With a sigh, you reached over and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“I know,” you said. “I _also_ know that I am not gonna like everyone’s opinion of him, but I’m learning to tune it out.”

“Smart,” Eugene said. “Cause I’m not gonna lie, you scare me too when you’re upset.”

“You don’t need to be scared of me, Eugene,” you said with a chuckle. “You don’t need to be scared of either of us. I’ll keep him on the straight and narrow.”

“If anyone can, it’s you,” Eugene said.

“Right,” you said.

“Hey, are gonna be right as rain durin’ this storm? I know ya don’t like it when things go whippin’ and crashin’ in the night.”

“It’s a snowstorm, not a thunderstorm, I’ll be just fine,” you said as you hauled your bag over your shoulder. “And if I’m not, I’ll let ya know.”

“I’ll be around!” Eugene called after you and you gave him a wave as you began walking towards the meeting hall. At that moment, all you wanted to do was go back to bed and hide from the rest of the world if they were going to keep giving their opinions on your new relationship.

Still, you pushed on and went to set up for the storm that would arrive and began to think of the last two storms you had been in. The last one your best friend had died, but the one before that, you began to realize that you were falling for Negan. You could only imagine what this one would bring.

You weren’t sure you were ready to find out.

* * *

You were stacking firewood in the meeting hall when you noticed the shackles that Gabriel had hauled out.

“Are those _really_ necessary?” you asked. Gabriel met your eyes with a grimace.

“We took a vote,” he said as he secured the end of the chain to the support column.

_“Fine,”_ you sighed as you finished your task. You knew that Negan would be grateful for being allowed inside during the storm, but you also knew how he felt about chains. You hated them even more or rather you just hated being tied up in general. You could still feel the rope burns from when the Whisperers had you tied up in that clearing.

Shaking off the memory, you went to place more blankets down. Those who were still in Alexandria were being divided up between the hall and Aaron’s as they had the largest fireplaces. Though, with every glance and jingle of the chain, you were starting to think that Negan’s body heat idea wasn’t all that bad after all.

However, as you placed a blanket down that you knew RJ would be using, you sucked it up and continued to work. Michonne tasked you and Gabriel to take care of her kids and you weren’t going to let her down. Not even for some much-needed alone time with Negan.

“Did you know that back before the world went all Dead-man-rising, it was reported that fifteen people died every year from icicle-related incidents?” Eugene said out of the blue.

You ignored him, used to his usual candor, but Gabriel seemed intrigued. “I wonder what that statistic would be now?”

“I do not know, but I’d imagine it may be more,” Eugene said. “Perhaps the icy weapons take out more Walkers than people these days.”

“One should fall on Alpha’s skull,” Rosita muttered.

“It’d probably melt before it could impale her considering she’s surrounded by Hellfire,” you said. Rosita raised her brows at that, but she was clearly amused by your imagery.

“Anyone else think we need to find (Y/N) a rifle?” Rosita asked.

“Don’t think I haven’t thought about it,” Gabriel said as he pressed a kiss to Rosita’s head.

“Would you take the shot?” Eugene asked. Everyone was looking at you and you didn’t need to think any further before giving them an answer.

“If I had my sniper rifle and I got that bitch in my sights, I’d blow her brains out with zero hesitation,” you said.

_“Shit,”_ Rosita said, “no wonder Negan likes you.”

“Is that a compliment?” you asked, narrowing your eyes.

“In this situation,” she said with a glint in her eye that told you she was dead serious, “Yes, yes it is.”

* * *

Just before the storm fell upon the Safe Zone, you got Negan from his cell and the Grimes kids from their house.

You didn’t bother putting on the cuffs as you led Negan from the cell as he was just about to be shackled anyway. RJ and Judith were bundled up as the snow began falling, already soaking their pant legs.

“Come here, little man,” you said as you bent down and hauled RJ up onto your shoulders so he didn’t have to walk across the ice. He giggled with joy as he grabbed onto your hands to keep himself steady.

A moment later and you were laughing yourself as Judith jumped onto Negan’s back who grabbed her legs to hike her up higher. “What am I? A horse?” he said as Judith wrapped her arms around his neck with a smile.

“Yeah, maybe we can get you a muzzle,” Judith said with a laugh and Negan looked over at you in shock as you tried not to laugh again.

“This is bullying,” he said.

“Nope, this is kids being kids,” you said with a wink. Negan rolled his eyes but didn’t complain as he carried his Grimes kid across the road.

“You’re really tall,” RJ said to Negan as you approached the door. Negan looked up at him with narrowed eyes as if he was thinking hard.

“I think you’re taller than me right now, big man,” he said and RJ laughed as he pulled on your fingers. You beamed at the both of them, feeling a warmth spread in your chest at the small interaction.

The four of you were the first ones to arrive which you were grateful for. Judith slid off Negan’s back as she skipped inside, going over to a window to set up for the night. You dropped RJ down before leading Negan over to the column.

“I’m sorry about this,” you whispered as you unlocked the chains and got them ready.

“Don’t be,” he said. “As you said, it’s better than freezing.” You looked up at him and he took the moment of being chain-free to place his hands on either side of your face and press a kiss to your brow. “It’s just one night.”

“One night,” you repeated and then he reached down and brought your hands to his lips and kissed your knuckles. With a wink, Negan offered you his wrists and you attached the cuffs. Placing the key down by Gabriel’s stuff as it was a part of the deal. You made sure he was secure before going to get RJ settled.

Negan watched after you as he took a seat on the makeshift couch behind him. Judith then jumped down from her window and joined him. “I can’t find Dog,” she said sadly.

“Is that Daryl’s mutt?” Negan asked and Judith nodded. “He’s a dog, kiddo, he’ll be fine.”

“I know,” she said with a sigh as she leaned into his shoulder.

“You worried about your mom?” he asked. Judith sighed and he took that as an answer. “She’s gonna be just fine, okay?”

“Okay,” Judith said.

“Your mom is the last person you gotta worry about. Now, your uncle, who knows what’s going on under all that hair,” he said with a wink, and Judith giggled.

“I like his hair,” Judith defended just as the door opened and Laura and Eugene walked in. Laura nodded to Negan, but Eugene ignored him.

“This is going to be a _long_ night, kid,” he whispered to her.

“I’ll protect you,” she swore.

“I know you will,” he said, nudging her arm with his before she returned to her perch by the window. Siddiq, Gabriel, and Rosita arrived after and they reacted the same way as Eugene had.

You were tucking in RJ as the sun began to set when Laura came up to you. _“This_ should be fun,” she said to you.

“Don’t encourage them,” you warned and she raised her hands in defense.

“You know me, I’m an angel,” she announced and Negan snorted from behind her. Laura subtly turned towards him, raising her middle finger so only he and the other adults could see. Negan rolled his eyes, but couldn’t keep the smile off his face.

_“Behave,”_ you said as you walked over to him to grab something out of your bag that was at his feet.

“She started it,” he said and you pointed a finger at him. “Okay, okay,” he said in defeat.

“Thank you,” you said as you pulled out RJ’s gloves and went to give them to him.

“What’s that word that starts with a ‘W’?” Gabriel asked as he approached Negan. “Whipped?”

“You’re an asshole,” Negan said. “Plain and simple, Father. You are an _asshole_.” Gabriel just gave him a shit-eating grin.

“I call it as I see it,” he said.

“Says the man who is with a woman who is having _another_ man’s baby,” Negan said innocently and Gabriel sighed. “See, I can play the game too,” he said and then made a whipping sound under his breath.

“And yet, who’s in chains?” Gabriel asked as he walked away. Negan glared at his back as he went over to Rosita. Laura was across from him, settling into the other couch as she stared at him. He thought back to their last conversation and her threat with the rusty spoon. He quickly looked away, suddenly feeling the need to run from the blonde.

Once you got the smallest Grimes situated, you collapsed in the seat next to Negan, laying down and propping your feet up in his lap. Closing your eyes, you put your hands behind your head. “Wake me up when it’s over,” you said to anyone.

“I forgot that you can sleep like a bear,” Rosita said.

“More like a cat,” Gabriel said. “Remember when they fell asleep on a church pew after a mass murder had just occurred?”

Opening one eye, you glared at Gabriel. “I was _tired_ ,” you defended. “Not my fault Gareth’s blood was all over the floor. That’s what happens when you get a machete to the brain.”

“Tell me more,” Laura said as she walked over. You glanced over at RJ and then back at her.

“Maybe later, it’s not a pretty story,” you said.

“Regardless,” Eugene said, “I’ve seen (Y/N) sleep in a hayloft while a massive storm was ragin’ with trees comin’ down and everything.”

“I was _unconscious_ , actually,” you said, pointing at him. “And if you remember correctly, the _reason_ I was unconscious was that Maggie was trying to secure the barn door and she smacked me in the head with the two by four.” Rosita laughed at that.

“When was _that?”_ Gabriel asked.

“After Grady,” Rosita said. “Remember, Daryl found the barn, the same barn Aaron found us in the next day.”

“Right,” he said. “When Rick had the very large beard.”

“I hated that damn beard,” you said as you readjusted yourself on the couch. Negan was just listening to all the stories. Laura was too. Neither of them was interjecting and you didn’t know if that was because they were curious or because they knew nobody wanted them to speak about Rick. Either way, you looked up at Negan who was making small circles with his fingers on your shins. He smiled softly at you and you mirrored the expression.

“Do you remember right before that, when it rained for the first time in weeks,” Rosita said quietly. “Tara and I lay down on the road and just…” she trailed off, letting the memory wash over her.

“Yeah, I do,” you said. “I also remember when she used to wear her hair in pigtails.” Rosita smiled at that. “You did too,” you pointed out.

“They looked better on me,” she joked. Gabriel pulled her into his side as she began going down memory lane for Tara. Her loss hit everyone in Alexandria the most, but it was nice to think of all the times everyone shared with her.

It was well after the sun went down when the blizzard was at its peak. You were freezing and had moved closer to Negan who was trying his best to keep your hands warm between his. Rosita was by the fire as Siddiq made sure she and her unborn child were staying as warm as possible.

“Anyone else feeling _incredibly_ awkward right now?” Negan said to the quiet room.

“I think that’s just you,” Rosita said pleasantly.

“I mean, come on, this is just _sad_ ,” he said.

“Not everyone likes to hear themselves talk, Negan,” Siddiq said.

“I don’t know, Doc, some people are into that,” Negan said with a wink. You didn’t bother chastising Negan as you leaned into him. Eugene, however, had something to say as usual.

“I find you’re innuendos very odd and uncomfortable,” Eugene said and Rosita snorted then.

“Eugene, you are not allowed to judge people’s ‘innuendos’ because I remember very well how you once spent a few months as a voyeur,” she said and you nearly choked on the hot air in the room. Negan, however, was thrilled to learn about this.

“You, _kinky bastard_ , Eugene,” Negan said with a wide grin.

“Language!” Judith said from her spot by the window.

“Sorry! Sorry, kiddo,” Negan said, raising his hands.

“Yeah, you tell ‘em, Jude,” you said sleepily.

“Woah, you two are really ganging up on me, huh?” Negan said.

“Well, who else is gonna do it?” Judith said and you laughed.

“You know what, Judith,” you began, “you get all your sass from your Aunt Beth.” 

“I _think_ I remember her,” Judith said.

“When your uncle gets home, you ask Daryl about Maggie’s sister, he’ll agree with me. All those times she held you, she was just passing on the sass.”

“Sister?” Negan whispered to you.

“Tell ya about it later,” you said. Negan quirked a brow and then squeezed your thigh playfully.

“Gross,” Laura said, watching the action. You threw a pillow at her then. “You wanna go, (Y/N)?” she asked.

_“Please_ , we both know I could take you down,” you said.

“I’d pay good money to see that,” Negan said.

“Me too,” agreed Siddiq. You and Rosita both punched them on the shoulder at that. Negan laughed and then he noticed Judith again.

“Are you still lookin’ for that dog, kid?” he asked.

“Daryl told me to take care of him and I don’t know where he is,” Judith said sadly.

“That dog’s a Dixon, Jude,” you said, “he’s probably already learned to hunt, track, _and_ shoot a crossbow by now. He’ll be fine,” you assured her. Judith sighed and then you felt Negan stiffen next to you. “What’s wrong?” you asked.

“Anyone else smell that?” he asked.

“What now?” Gabriel asked, annoyed.

“No, he’s right,” Rosita said. You got up from the couch and began walking around the room, trying to find the source. When you approached the fireplace, it got incredibly strong.

“Get away from there!” Eugene yelled just as a wave of flames leaped out of the bricks and towards your face. Laura grabbed you and pulled you back before the inferno could touch you. You both fell to the floor and you just knew there was going to be a bruise.

_“(Y/N)?”_ Negan asked, worried.

“I’m fine,” you promised him as you helped Laura sit up. However, while _you_ were fine, the fireplace was now just soot and charcoal. As you tugged your coat closer to your body, you slowly started to feel the cold begin to creep back in.

* * *

“As I suspected,” Eugene said as he peered into the dark chimney. “The chimney flue is completely gunkified. What singed your nostrils earlier was no doubt a toxic mixture of creosote and H2O. Blizzard's done some tearing and blaring. And our chimney's ventilation capabilities are nil to none. It'd be unwise to spark up another blaze lest we plan on ceasing all respiratory functions, a.k.a. smoking and choking.”

“God, I missed you, Eugene,” Negan said from beside you. 

“I can't say the same,” Eugene said with a sigh. 

“Without the fire, we’re screwed,” you said, already trying to get warm again. Negan was looking at you with worry. You pressed into his side to try and quell those thoughts. 

“Okay, folks, contingency plan,” Gabriel said. “We're going to Aaron's house. It'll be tight quarters, but we'll make it work.” Gabriel began grabbing his things and you put out your hand. 

“The key, Gabe,” you said, waiting. He hesitated and Negan scoffed. 

“Seriously?” Negan said, “Not one of you assholes is gonna untie me?” 

“We could always tell Michonne it was an accident,” Rosita offered. 

“You wanna try that again?” you asked, your voice neutral. 

“Gabe, just give them the damn key,” Siddiq said as Rosita rolled her eyes. Gabriel handed you the key and you quickly unlocked the cuffs around Negan’s wrists. 

Gabriel grabbed RJ into his arms as everyone took hold of a rope to help them stay together as you all prepared to walk into the blinding snow. 

One by one, you all entered the blizzard, holding onto the rope that connected you all together. While Aaron’s house wasn’t far away, you could barely see a foot ahead of you. You kept a hand on Negan’s back, making sure he was always with you as you pushed on through the harsh wind and the thick snow. 

As you trekked on, it was only a few minutes when the loud sound of barking reached you through the loud roaring of the wind. 

“Dog!” Judith yelled as she let go of the rope and ran into the white wall of ice and snow. 

“Judith!” Negan screamed as she ran. Then, you felt him move from under your palm as he ran after her. 

“Negan!” you hollered as you tried to follow him. Laura held you back. 

“No, (Y/N)!” Laura shouted over the wind, but you shrugged her off. Harshly pushing her away, you walked into the blizzard. 

“Negan!” you called, trying to see him, but you couldn’t make out his form in the white wall of ice and wind. “Negan!” you yelled again, the cold making it harder to speak. You could already feel the air in your lungs starting to drop in temperature. 

As you took another step, pain erupted in your side as something struck you. Gasping in pain, you pressed your hand to your side and found something sharp. With a hard tug, you pulled a piece of metal from your flesh. “Fuck,” you swore as hot blood mixed with the icy air. 

“(Y/N)!” you heard Laura calling you, but you couldn’t see where she was. You couldn’t see where anyone or anything was and it was getting harder to stay focused. 

Your knees hit the ground first and then you used your other arm to brace yourself against the white earth. Coughing, you could taste the tang of blood behind your lips and your skin felt as if it was on fire. “Son of a bitch,” you swore again as you fought to keep awake.

From behind the veil of wind and snow, you saw a small figure coming towards you. “Judith?” you asked, trying to shield your eyes from the storm. However, what you thought was Judith was actually walking on four legs. Dog barreled towards you and just behind him was a large figure who carried a smaller one in his arms. 

“(Y/N)?” Negan said as Dog reached you first. 

“You...idiot,” you said, but then relaxed a bit more as you noticed he had found Judith. 

“Come on, get up, Teach,” he yelled over the wind. You tried to stand, but the pain was too much. “Get! Up! I can’t carry you both!” Finding some resolve, you yelled out in pain as you got to your feet and found his arm. “Dog, find Gabe!” Negan ordered and the canine took off in a direction. 

You could barely see her, but Judith did seem to be conscious. You also realized she was wrapped in Negan’s coat and he was slowly freezing in the dropping temperature. You pushed on faster. You and Negan were sinking into the snow as blood crystalized on your side. Still, you fought on. Your fingers felt numb as they gripped Negan’s shirt, but you still didn’t let go. 

Eventually, a glow from a window came within your view as you finally made it to Aaron’s. 

“Dog!” you croaked out. “Go!” With the rope that Negan had tied to the animal, Daryl’s companion pulled you to the front porch. The four of you scraped yourselves up the stairs and under the slight awning. Negan kicked out at the door, his boot slamming at the base. 

The door was then ripped open and Laura stood there with wide eyes. “Take her,” Negan begged, trying to hand Judith over the woman who immediately hauled the girl into her arms. 

“Siddiq!” Laura called as you crumbled to the ground. 

“Oh, no you don’t,” Negan said as he grabbed you by the shoulders and dragged you inside, shutting the door behind both of you. Negan tore the coat from your body and then stopped as he saw your blood-soaked shirt underneath. “Shit!” he swore under his breath as Siddiq finally arrived. Negan was nearly blue from the cold, but he wasn’t going to let anyone else carry you. 

“Backroom,” Siddiq said to Negan who picked you up and began carrying you to the spare bedroom. You could barely keep your eyes open as he stumbled through the house. 

“Ow,” you moaned as Negan shoved open the door and placed you on the bed. A shivering Judith grimes was stumbling after you, having escaped from Laura. 

“(Y/N)?” Judith asked with a worried tone. 

“They’re gonna be okay,” Siddiq said as he began to pull the frozen fabric away from your side. Just above your hip was a good slice from whatever had hit you. You thought maybe it would have been a piece of fence. “Judith, go get warm, I’ll take care of them.”

“No,” she argued through chattering teeth. 

“Judith, go,” Siddiq ordered again, and then she was sulking away, her limbs still sluggish from the cold. “Stay awake, Shots,” Siddiq said. 

“Shots,” you repeated with a weak laugh. “Haven’t heard that one in a while.” 

“Do you remember who gave you that nickname?” Siddiq asked as he prepped his suture kit, trying to keep you talking. 

“Carl,” you whispered. 

“Yep, he did,” Siddiq confirmed, wiping away the extra blood as you cried out in pain. “He told me before he died that he gave you that name the night the horde came through Alexandria. The night he lost his eye.”

“I shot the Walkers who tried… who tried…” you attempted to finish, but you were getting tired. 

“Keep them talking,” Siddiq said to Negan who was then pulling your face towards his, trying to get your attention. 

“Who tried what?” Negan asked. “Tell me what they were trying to do.”

“They tried to get in the infirmary,” you said with a cough. “They tried to get to Carl, but I wouldn’t let them. I was using two guns,” you remembered. “I had to keep him safe.” A tear rolled from your eye at the memory. 

“You did,” Negan said. “You kept him safe, (Y/N).”

“No, I didn’t,” you said. “Carl’s gone because I _couldn’t_ keep him safe. He’s gone, Negan.”

“I know,” he whispered, and then your eyes went wide as Siddiq pushed the needle into your skin to sew you up. A hoarse yell echoed from your throat as Siddiq pulled the suture tight. “Focus on me, Teach. Focus on me.” 

And so you did as the storm raged on outside the walls of Aaron’s house, but with every pull of suture and sting of the needle, you cried out in pain. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The others return to Alexandria as the reader begins to recover. Michonne seeks out Negan while Daryl speaks to the reader. Still dealing with what happened at the fair, nobody is ready to relax and nobody is ready to back down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing, Brief Mention of Child Abuse
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Yours” by Ella Henderson
> 
> Note: This is definitely a filler, but I enjoyed writing a lot of the conversations.

As the sun rose again in Virginia, everything was covered in blinding-white snow. **  
**

You lay in a soft bed as a thick bandage was wrapped around your torso, securing the fresh sutures in place. Negan’s body was pressed against yours as he slept soundly by your side. In the chair next to the window, Siddiq slept as well.

Everything that had happened the previous night came back to you. The storm, the pain, and the look on Negan’s face had you taking a deep breath. The past few weeks had been trying to say the least. You had lost too many people and for a while, you hadn’t let yourself feel the pain of those losses. Yet, as you laid in that bed which you knew was in Aaron’s home, you felt your heart being crushed in your chest. 

What were you supposed to do now? How were you all supposed to get through it? Your thoughts went to Carol and Ezekiel. How were they supposed to move on after Henry? The death of a child was never easy, especially when they were taken by force with violence and blood. 

There was a feeling of loneliness in that room. You began to think about what would have happened if you hadn’t gone after Negan and Judith in that storm. Would they have found their way back? Or would you be looking for their frozen bodies in the bright morning instead? 

You always hated to think of Negan as a Walker, but you had never really let yourself think of him as actually dead. Negan was the ultimate survivor and it was as if nothing could touch him. You started to wonder if perhaps that wasn’t true after all. 

Your injury stung as you shifted in bed, waking up your companion. “Hey,” he whispered. 

“Hi,” you said back, blinking up at him. 

“Get any sleep?” he asked with a yawn. 

“Enough,” you said and then winced again. 

“It’ll feel better in a few days,” Negan said. “Siddiq told me it wasn’t even as deep as my injury. You’re gonna be just fine.”

“That’s good,” you said with a sigh. “How’s Judith?”

“Finally with her brother,” Negan said with a glance towards the closed door. “She wouldn’t leave the doorway until she knew you were okay. Shivering and all with that damn dog at her side. Laura finally was able to drag her away just as you lost consciousness.” 

“I don’t remember that,” you said with a frown. 

“I don’t blame you, you were pretty out of it,” he said, brushing his fingers along your temple. “Don’t do that again, okay?” 

“Do what?”

“Scare the shit out of me,” he said easily. 

“Like you haven’t done it to me,” you said with your brows raised. 

“I’m different,” he said. 

“Not really,” you countered. Negan sighed, realizing he was losing the argument if you could even call it that. Instead, he leaned over and pressed a kiss to the side of your head. 

“I’m glad you’re okay, (Y/N),” he whispered. 

“Me too.”

“Siddiq wants to move you to the infirmary as soon as everyone is up and about,” Negan said. 

“What about you?” you asked. 

“I ain’t gonna leave you,” he promised. “I’ll be there until they can shovel the snow out of my cell.”

“You know,” you began, “as much as I hate storms, they have been beneficial for us.” 

“Amen to that.” 

Exhaustion was still leaning heavily on you as you began to drift off again. Negan kept his arms around you as you succumbed to the fatigue. However, he was wide awake, determined to just enjoy being by your side like this even with the good doctor snoring a few feet away. 

It wasn’t long after you fell back asleep when the door opened. He figured it was Judith or Laura, but he didn’t expect to see Rosita peeking her head in. She noticed Siddiq first and rolled her eyes, however, when she turned to look at Negan her face remained neutral. 

“Do they need anything?” she asked him, watching as you slept. 

“No, but thanks,” he said awkwardly.

His relationship with Rosita was an odd one. While he had murdered Abraham in front of her, Rosita didn’t seem to store that same amount of hate and venom for him as Maggie did. However, she _had_ been the one to try and shoot him after he gutted Spencer in the street.

He also knew that she would never forgive him for all the things he did and he didn’t expect her to. He just hoped that one day they could be civil with one another for more than a few seconds at a time. 

Perhaps that started now. Just as she was about to leave, he stopped her. 

“Rosita,” he said and she turned to look at him. “Uh, I—” 

“I know,” she said quickly. It wasn’t much and he knew it was never going to be okay, but it was something. He nodded to her and then with a nod of her own, she left the room, closing the door tightly behind her.

* * *

Michonne and the others arrived home as soon as the storm calmed down. 

After a cheerful reunion and a few snowballs thrown back and forth, Judith finally told her mother what had transpired the night before. And so, Michonne went in search of her Daughter’s hero. 

Again. 

Negan was leaning his forearms on the side of your bed in the infirmary when Michonne pushed open the door, letting the cool air in. Siddiq had ordered you to the infirmary as soon as it was clear enough to walk. Negan hadn’t even let you take a step without lifting you in his arms and taking you himself. 

While you were finally feeling as if your toes weren’t going to fall off, the pain in your side was still near excruciating. You were asleep before Negan could even place the blanket over your shoulders. He had been watching over you all morning and didn’t want to move. However, the look on Michonne’s face had him getting up and walking around the corner, careful not to wake you. 

Negan stood before Michonne awkwardly but eventually made the first attempt at a conversation. 

“Look who’s back,” he said quietly. Michonne then placed her hands in front of her and looked him in the eye. 

“Thank you, for saving her,” Michonne said and Negan nodded to her. “Again.” She went on, “let’s try not to make it a third.”

“That one’s on her, Boss,” Negan said. 

“Yes, I suppose it is,” Michonne said with the faintest hint of a smile and then glanced over to where you were sleeping. “How are they?”

“Bit busted up,” Negan said with a sigh. “But they’ll live.”

“Not a good feeling, is it?” Michonne said. 

“What?”

“Thinking you’re about to lose someone you care about,” Michonne finished, but there was no malice behind her statement. Negan ran a hand over his head, feeling every beat of his heart in his chest. 

“No, no it is not,” Negan admitted. “I thought I’d be waking up to white eyes in the morning rather than tired ones.”

“I know that fear,” Michonne said and then they were both quiet until Negan once again broke the silence. 

“You know,” Negan said, “Dr. Babydaddy said that you got caught in the storm with the Royalty Brigade. Is everyone okay?”

“Do you _care?”_ Michonne asked with raised brows. 

“Look, I don't know any of those people from Adam,” he said. “I _do_ know what it's like to lose a kingdom, see things fall apart. And it sucks ass.”

“The Sanctuary’s a shithole,” Michonne said as she leaned against the wall next to her. Negan chuckled slightly. 

“Well, hell, I could have told you that,” Negan said and then something dawned on him. “You cut through Alpha’s territory,” he realized. _“Ballsy.”_

“We don't even know if they were there,” Michonne said. 

“They’ll know you were there,” Negan said. “Something tells me they got eyes everywhere.” 

“That’s reassuring,” Michonne scoffed. 

“I ain’t trying to be reassuring, Michonne. I’m _trying_ to be real.”

“I know,” she said. “I know you are, you’re not a bull-shitter.” 

“No, I’m not.”

Michonne nodded, getting where he was coming from. No matter what people thought about the man, he never lied when it mattered and he wasn’t going to sugar coat anything. 

“How bad is it?” Michonne asked then, gesturing to you in the bed. 

“How bad is what?” he asked. 

“You forget that I’ve been with them through all the ugly shit, Negan. I know about the way they have nightmares and how they shut down and internalize everything.” Negan frowned, but he knew what she was talking about.

“I can tell that they’re closed off, even to me. They told me a little bit of what happened, but I know there’s more,” Negan said, glancing over at you. 

“Do you know much about Terminus?” Michonne asked. 

“(Y/N) told me,” Negan said. “Some fucked up shit.”

“Yeah,” Michonne agreed. “(Y/N) wouldn’t eat for a while afterward. Even after we got _here_ , they could barely look at food without gagging. The nightmares came the first night after we got out of that slaughterhouse and I still see them flinch when raw meat is in view. No matter what they tell you, there’s _always_ going to be more.”

“I’m not sure I’m equipped to handle that,” Negan admitted. 

“You are,” Michonne told him. “Can I trust that you will help them through this?”

“What _exactly_ are you asking me to do, Michonne?” Michonne pushed off the wall and headed for the door. As she turned the doorknob she gestured to your sleeping form. 

“(Y/N) helped you,” Michonne reminded him. “It’s time to return the favor.”

* * *

The next time you woke up, you were greeted by a different face. 

“Lydia?” you groaned as you tried to sit up. She was there in an instant, trying to help you. You winced in pain as you tugged at your stitches.

“Are you in pain?” Lydia asked, worried. 

“It won’t last long,” you assured her as you finally got a good look at her. Her cheeks were pink, but she looked unharmed. You then glanced around and noticed it was just the two of you. 

“I saw him leaving with Gabriel,” Lydia said. “He’s helping with clearing the wall and gates.” You were surprised to hear that. 

“You met Negan?” you asked her, but Lydia was shaking her head. 

“Just saw him and asked Daryl who he was,” Lydia said. “Kind of hard to miss considering how tall he is.”

“Everyone always notices the height first,” you said with a small smile. Lydia nodded then as she picked at the loose threads of her gloves. You lay your hand over hers. “Are _you_ doin’ okay?” She shrugged then, but when she looked back at you, tears were welling up in her eyes. “Ah, kid,” you said as you pulled her into your arms gently. 

Lydia leaned on your shoulder, careful of your injury as she cried. You held her back as tight as you could, smoothing down the bits of hair that escaped the hat on her head. “I should have told Ezekiel sooner,” Lydia said into your arm. “I should have known what she was going to do.” 

“None of this is on you,” you said to her, fighting your own tears. “Do not think that you had anything to do with this. _Alpha_ did this and she did it to hurt all of us, but most importantly, she did it to hurt _you_. That is not what a parent is supposed to do. They are supposed to _protect_ their children from hurt, not invoke it.” 

“She was all I had and now she doesn’t even want me,” Lydia said with a cough. You grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her back so you could look at her. 

“She was not all you had, not anymore. I’m here, Daryl’s here, Michonne and the others too. _Nobody_ is going to abandon you again. We care about you, Lydia.” 

“You don’t know that,” Lydia said as she wiped at her face. “I don’t even know if I’m able to care about someone anymore.” You frowned, taking a moment before deciding to tell her a story.

“I lost someone at the beginning of this whole thing,” you began. “I’ve never told anyone this, but it was one of my old students. His father used to beat him as your mother beat you. _He_ didn’t think he was capable of having a family or anyone that cared about him enough to fight for him. I wasn’t going to let him think that he was that alone in this world. I got him out of his home when everything happened and I protected him when his father tried to kill us after he turned from a bite.

“What I _didn’t_ know was that this kid, Elliot, had _already_ been bitten by his father. He tried to comfort his dad when he was dying and his father turned too quickly. After everything that his father did to him, he still tried to show him just an _ounce_ of love, even if he didn’t think he deserved it. Elliot was always capable of showing that he cared and that he had compassion. Even when he was dying, he tried to make sure that _I_ was okay. You don’t lose that, Lydia. You were born with a kind heart and you’re not going to lose that.” 

Lydia was looking at you as you let the tears fall on your cheeks. You had never told that story to anyone, not even Carl or Rick. Thinking of Elliot dying in that school gymnasium opened up that hole in your heart again. It wasn’t long after his death that you found your way to the hills and met Carl and Daryl. Elliot had asked you to go find a new family and so you did. Now, it was time for Lydia to realize that she had now found hers. 

“Don’t give up on yourself, okay?” you asked, wiping away a few stray hairs off her face. Lydia nodded as she lay back down and curled up as she finally let herself rest for the first time in a long time.

* * *

Later that night, you were awake but Negan was asleep. 

Michonne and Gabriel had once again let Negan stay by your side for another night. It wasn’t permanent, but his cell wouldn’t be back to normal for a few nights. They kept the infirmary door locked at night and Laura or someone would remain on watch inside, but Negan was still there. 

His heavy winter coat was around your shoulders as you flipped through an old medical book in the candlelight of the room. You were getting to the section on breaks and fractures when footsteps came around the corner. Heavy boots that you immediately recognized as Daryl’s.

His eyes fell on Negan who was fast asleep in the bed next to yours, his arm tossed over his face. Daryl frowned, but then looked at you, and the tension in his body lessened. “Hey,” you whispered. 

“Hey, yourself,” he said, sitting in the chair next to you. 

“He sleeps like a log,” you said. “I don’t think an air siren could wake him up.”

“Just one more thing for me to find annoyin’ about him,'' Daryl said and you rolled your eyes. “I heard ya had an interesting night.” 

“Yeah, had to save your damn dog, didn’t she? Always the little hero,” you said with a small smile. 

“M’glad your okay,” Daryl said. 

“Me too,” you said, gripping his hand in the low light. He gripped yours back, feeling the solidarity between the two of you. “You were so stupid to go through their territory,” you said. 

“I know,” he sighed. “I guess we just gotta wait for the payback now.”

“I hate that she has this hold on us,” you said. 

“We’re gonna figure this out, (Y/N),” he said. “I ain’t gonna let her hurt anyone else.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” you warned. Daryl sighed, leaning on the edge of your bed before looking behind him at Negan again. 

“So, you’re good, then? The two of you?” he said, jabbing his thumb over his shoulder. You nodded and then hesitated, not sure if you were going to tell him more, but Daryl could tell you wanted to and so he was patient.

He was a man of very few words, but a great listener. However, your relationship with Negan would be something you told Paul about and not Daryl. Then again, there is a first time for everything. 

“I told him I loved him,” you said quickly in a whisper. Daryl froze for a second before nodding and chewing on the skin of his thumb.

Now it was _your_ time to be patient. You let him absorb the information you just laid on him and then you started to get nervous. Maybe this would be the final straw. He seemed to be fine with your feelings at first, but this was more than just glances through iron bars or the sharing of hot tea. 

Eventually, he spoke. “I see,” Daryl said quietly, finally meeting your eyes. 

“That’s all you’re gonna say?” you asked, surprised. 

“I ain’t mad if that’s what you’re gettin’ at,” he said. 

“Are you sure?” you asked.

“Mmhmm,” he said. Which from Daryl was as good as any promise. 

“You still gonna talk to me?” you asked. 

“Always.” 

“Daryl,” you continued, “I want you to assure you that if it came down to it, I would fight for this place and these people above everything. Even him,” you said. Daryl gave you a small smile before getting to his feet. From his pocket, he pulled out something you never thought you would see again. 

One of your rifle casings, one of the ones you once fired at the Sanctuary.

Daryl set it in your hand and you could feel the years of corrosion on the inner rim. It felt odd to hold in your hand, but oddly comforting. Looking back at him, you could see that he wanted to believe what you said but didn’t. 

“Daryl?” you asked. 

“Like you said,” he whispered, “don’t make promises ya can’t keep.” 

As Daryl left, you lay in that bed and thought of what was to come. That feeling was back in the air, the one your mother warned you about. Your people had crossed into enemy territory and you knew that what happened at the fair was nowhere near the end of it. 

Alpha wasn’t going to stop and you knew Carol too well to know that she wouldn’t either. A war was coming and as you held that casing in your hand, you wondered how many _more_ lives were going to be lost because of the masked enemy. 

However, there was still the knowledge that all of you were survivors. 

You had survived the CDC, the farm, The Governor, Terminus, _and_ the Wolves. You had even survived the Saviors and their brutal leader, the same leader who lay in the bed next to yours.

All those years ago, Negan had stood before you and your family and welcomed you all to the “New World Order”. If only he had known what that new world would produce and just how terrifying it would be. 

Turning to look at Negan, you could see the steady rise and fall of his breath and it gave you some solace, but not enough. Nothing was going to snuff the fear that crawled along your skin with every minute of wakefulness. The nightmares would be worse, but you did know one thing for sure. 

The day that Alpha made her move, all of you were going to be ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: And into season 10 we go. There will be a small time jump, but I will work it in as seamlessly as possible.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The months after the blizzard were full of bliss, but now the reader needs to get back to work. What happens when Judith finds a mask belonging to one of Alpha’s people? What does this mean to the survivors? How is the relationship going with Negan?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing, Fighting
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Battlecry” by Jordan Mackampa
> 
> Note: So yes, there is the time jump in this! However, throughout the next chapters, I will reference some flashbacks from both Negan and the MC’s POVs. Remember from now until the end, we are changing a bit from season 10, but there will be some of the bigger moments present. With the new episodes coming up, I just want to make it clear that this story will finish with “Certain Doom” I have no plans to continue the plot into Season 10C or Season 11. ALL ASL IN ITALICS

Winter wasn’t easy.

Food stores were low and with the Kingdom out of commission and the forests barren, it was a harsh few months. The snow came in waves, blanketing the ground with fresh white powder only to be turned to slush and ice with the rain the next day.

At least there was one good thing to come out of it.

Negan was out of his cell when it got to be too much on certain nights.

Whenever a particularly cold front came through, he was granted permission to stay at your place for the night as long as you returned him to his jail in the morning. Provided that extra blankets and warm food were supplied, you agreed to the terms.

Those cold nights became the very thing that held you together. Negan has been right, body heat _was_ incredibly beneficial. Every waking moment of the day, Negan was on your mind. His hands, his body, that damn smile of his too. However, while you enjoyed the sex and the feeling of him asleep beside you, you were in love with the conversation just as much.

You also began to learn more about his life before the Apocalypse. His life as a gym teacher, his love of vintage t-shirts, and even some things about Lucille as well. Never did you bring her up on your own, but you also never shot him down when he did either. Just as _he_ never told you to not talk about Sasha.

Sasha became a regular topic when you began talking about the past. You missed her so much and all you wanted was to keep her memory alive. Talking about her to Negan helped with that. He would then tell you about his time with the Saviors and how he actually liked a lot of the people who he worked with.

Simon was an asshole, but Negan admitted that he was one of the smartest men he had ever met. Dwight was a nightmare at times, but still, Negan oddly admired his heart.

You weren’t surprised to learn some of this, but you were shocked to learn just how protective and _jealous_ he could be when he wanted to.

Daryl had finally moved back into Alexandria with Lydia, Daryl moving into the Grimes’ basement, and Lydia into your guestroom. You would spend as much time with Daryl as possible whether it was for personal reasons or because you were still on edge about the Whisperers.

This didn’t go unnoticed by Negan who was starting to get suspicious. He even asked you if you and Daryl had once been involved.

“You’re joking, right?” you asked when he had brought up the subject one day as he was helping with repairs to one of the walls.

“Is that such an odd question to ask?”

“Kind of,” you said. “Negan, Daryl is like a _brother_ to me. We’ve never…absolutely not.”

“I just find it hard to believe that you never found yourself being with anyone since this whole shit show started.”

“Didn’t have much of a chance,” you had said. “As I have said before, I’m better off alone.”

“Yeah, well don’t expect me to leave you alone any time soon, alright?” Negan had said as he finished his job. You had nodded, but something was telling you that he couldn’t keep that promise, nobody could keep promises anymore.

Your injury had fully healed just as Negan said it would, but it left an angry scar that still stung on the colder days. It wasn’t pretty, but none of your scars were, they were just part of the new world and you had to get used to them.

You were trying to stay positive as the months went by. Rosita eventually had her daughter, Judith became a stronger fighter, and you were starting to get nervous.

Everything was _too_ calm.

It seemed that the Whisperers had gone underground for the harsher months of winter. However, like all predatory species. They would soon be returning to their hunting grounds, you were sure of it.

Domestic life was starting to be too much. Your nightmares were getting worse and on the nights that Negan lay beside you, he would wake you with a hard shake in order to be able to snap you out of sleep. You would never tell him what plagued your dreams and he never asked, but you knew he wanted to.

You also knew that he wanted to move forward with you and start thinking about a future together. However, you also knew that if that were to happen, you would need to leave Alexandria. Nobody, no matter what he did, would accept Negan as part of the family and you didn’t blame them.

Still, you wanted to be able to hold his hand as you walked through the streets and kiss him in the rain, but he was still Negan and while you got to play normal on certain nights, the cell was still his home.

It was months after the blizzard that you began planning. You began to stash bags in your house. They were filled with canteens, extra clothes, extra gauze, and when you were able to get it, non-perishables. After so many years of feeling as if you had put down roots, you were slipping back into survival mode because if you had to, you were ready to leave with him.

You loved your family, but you couldn’t live without Negan. Not anymore and not after Alpha had taken so much away from everyone. You thought back to what you had told Daryl that night when he came to visit you in the infirmary after the blizzard. You had told him that you would fight for your family even if it meant betraying Negan.

Now, you knew that wasn’t true. Negan was your life now and nothing was going to make you stop fighting for him.

And while you wanted to spend every moment with Negan, everyone knew war was imminent. Even though Alpha, Beta, and their people had gone quiet, you and everyone else knew they were still out there and so, you began to prepare.

Coco, Rosita’s daughter was just a few months old when Daryl interrupted your babysitting duties to tell you that he had spoken to Cyndie and Rachel. It was time to get ready to fight their enemies.

When Daryl announced that he would be taking people to Oceanside to prepare and learn to fight in formations with new weapons and with new strategies, there were immediate volunteers. Siddiq, Eugene, and Ro were going to be staying behind with Gabriel, but Judith and RJ would be going with their mother just as Aaron would be going as well.

You didn’t get much of a choice. You had to go as you were second in command when it came to security. You were also going because Michonne wanted time to continue the training you had been doing with her, honing your skills with your sword.

Negan wasn’t thrilled when he found out you would be leaving, but you promised him that it wouldn’t be for long and that it was necessary. You spent the night before leaving in the cell with him, curled into his side as he lulled you to sleep. You told him you would be coming back soon and asked if he could look out for Lydia when he could.

The two of them had met shortly after everyone had arrived in Alexandria after the blizzard. Lydia was sitting next to your bed when Negan woke the night after your injury. She now knew everything he had done to your people, but she was determined to make up her own mind about the man.

You immediately pulled Lydia under your wing. You trained her, using the new staff Alden had made for her. It was much like the one Henry once used. You taught her how to hunt and track while she helped you move around the Dead as if you were invisible. Being able to learn from one another solidified your bond quickly.

Lydia was a naturally curious young woman who wanted to hear stories about everything. You told her everything from the farm to meeting Jadis’ people for the first time. When she asked how you met Negan, you had told her one night in the quiet of your living room. Lydia had been patient the entire time as she listened.

When you were finished, she had exhaled deeply and then reached over and took your hand in hers. “I guess we both care about people capable of horrific things,” she had said and that line had stuck with you. It replayed in your head even now as you stood behind a barricade on a white sand beach, prepared to fight.

* * *

Every inch of your body was coiled to a spring as your sword weighed heavily in your hand.

Aaron led the charge, he and Alden using the metal shields to stay in formation as they moved towards the old boat. Judith struck a waterlogged Walker that tried to drag itself up onto the shore. Returning to her position between you and Michonne, her wakizashi poised for battle.

Ezekiel and Jerry pulled open the door of the ship and the Dead spilled from the rusted wreckage. Walkers weren’t as sophisticated as Whisperers, but they did act as great decoys and practice for fighting the enemy.

Daryl walked along the edges of the main battle, observing and making adjustments when needed. The archers were behind, ready to fire when ordered and then, there was your group. You, Michonne, Judith, Ezekiel, Magna, and others kept your weapons raised, ready to strike.

For months, you and Michonne practiced whenever you could. She taught you different ways to hold your blade, how to use it to block, and most importantly, how to kill. Walkers were easy, but you had yet to fight an actual armed enemy.

While you wouldn’t give him a weapon, you were practicing your fight skills with Negan whenever he was in your home at night. This was more for _his_ benefit than yours, but the two of you would take turns in practicing hand-to-hand.

Lydia would watch on with curiosity as you and Negan exchanged punches and holds. Negan would then give her tips on how to move with her weapon, how to keep balanced, and even where to strike on both Living and Dead threats.

That training came in handy now as you and Michonne moved forward, swinging your swords. The sun glinted off the metal as you fought back to back, taking the Walkers down by removing their heads from their shoulders.

Daryl joined the fight as soon as the Walkers began to overwhelm the fighters. His dual knives cut through the Walkers easily. You were so used to seeing Daryl fight long-distance with his bow just as you once excelled at with your rifle, but this was a whole new Daryl.

There was zero hesitation in his strikes and you had to keep focused on your task so you didn’t get too distracted. Moving to cover Michonne, you slashed out at a pair of Walkers who were moving in on Kelly. With a single strike, their rotting heads rolled from their bodies.

A sharp sound came from behind you as Daryl shoved a knife into a Walker’s head that tried to grab you. You didn’t have time to thank him before Alden’s spear soared over your head and you ducked. The weapon found its target and you kept moving.

Taking out the remainder of the Walkers took some time, but between every fighter on that beach, you dispatched them cleanly and without incident. The final Walker that stumbled on the beach approached you and with a hard swing, you cut its head into two, your blade sliding right down the center of its skull.

With a hard pull, you removed the sword with a huff. As the body fell to the ground, you rested your blood-soaked blade on your shoulder, trying to relieve the fatigue that plagued your biceps.

Daryl, who was standing just a few feet away, watched as your weapon lay against your shoulder and it was oddly familiar. He watched as you dropped it back down to your side, but he saw it. It was hard not to. It was as if you were holding Lucille and not Jesus’ sword.

There were still a few left inside so you jogged up to help Ezekiel clear them out as Aaron began calling out orders. Once you finished working through the remaining Dead, Ezekiel let out a tired breath.

“Nicely done,” he said and then offered his hand for a high five. You obliged and tapped your palm to his.

“You too,” you said as you scraped the blood off your sword. You then noticed that he was looking at you with a tilted head. “What? Do I have Walker blood on my face?” you asked, worried.

“No, I just noticed something,” he said.

“What’s that?” you asked.

“You seem happy,” Ezekiel said.

“I am,” you said. “I didn’t think I would be able to feel this way after what happened at the fair, but all I feel is this underlying aura of happiness.”

“Are you worried that that is a bad thing?”

“I feel almost guilty to feel happiness after everything that happened. It almost feels inappropriate to feel any sense of joy, you know?”

“I do know,” he said sadly and then you immediately felt horrible.

“Your Majesty, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” you trailed off when he raised his hand.

“One, you don’t need to address me with that title,” he said. “And two, it’s okay. I miss him every day, but I can also understand that he would want me to smile on occasion.”

“Henry was a good boy,” you said, reaching out to grip his hand. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know,” he said, squeezing back. “I also know that many people aren’t happy with whom you’ve chosen to love.”

“Ezekiel…” you began, but he was already speaking.

“I don’t care,” he said. “I do not care who he is. I have just missed your smile. If Negan is who it takes for you to get that light back in your eyes, so be it. I think we have all missed that even if you haven’t realized it. I know what he’s done, but I know that you also know as well.”

“I do, but I can’t help but love him.”

“And that’s okay. It’s…unorthodox, but it’s okay. The heart wants what the heart wants, (Y/N).” You didn’t hesitate to reach out and hug the man before you. If that was the way that he thought then perhaps there would be more hope for those who disagreed with your new connection with the former enemy. However, there was also the realization that many would begin to shun you just because of your relationship with Negan.

In that rust-filled ship hold, you smiled at the king who had just lost his kingdom and realized that perhaps he understood at least that part of Negan’s past. As Negan once said, he knew what it felt like to lose a kingdom.

* * *

On your way back to the main area of Oceanside, you ran into Luke.

“Call on line two,” he joked as he handed you the radio. You immediately knew what he meant and with a roll of your eyes, you took the walkie from him and began walking away from the masses.

“What do I owe _this_ pleasure?” you asked.

 _“I have to admit,”_ Negan said on the other line, _“I feel like a teenager sneaking into the basement to call his secret love.”_

“Some things never change then,” you said with a laugh as you found a boulder to sit on as you watched the waves crash against the shore.

 _“No, they do not,”_ he said and you could tell he was smiling. That thought sent a jolt into your chest.

“What did you do to get this privilege?”

 _“I_ may _have paid off this kid, Brandon,”_ Negan said.

“With what? Tomatoes?” you asked, amused.

 _“Nope, just a little life advice and maybe some instructions on how to make moonshine,”_ he said smugly.

“Hilarious,” you deadpanned.

 _“You love it,”_ he teased.

“Mmhmm,” you said.

 _“Tell me about your day,”_ Negan said.

“We’ve been working on battle formations,” you said. “Daryl thinks that we need a stronger defense.”

 _“What do_ you _think?”_ Negan asked.

 _“I think_ that someone needs to find me a gun so I can take Alpha out,” you admitted.

 _“Easy, Darlin’,”_ Negan said.

“Why? Why can’t I want the bitch dead?”

 _“Oh, you_ definitely _can. I just think that perhaps you may wanna think it through before going all_ Terminator. _”_

“In order to do that, I’d need a gun and we are out of bullets,” you said and then your hand found its way around your neck where the old shell casing Daryl had given you hung on a chain.

 _“I wish I could help,”_ he said and then you sighed, leaning back on the boulder.

“You _are_ helping,” you said. “You’re keeping me sane.”

 _“That’s a first. Especially cause I_ specifically _remember you telling me that I drive you crazy. I think you were on top that time.”_

“Wow, you are such a romantic,” you said, but you were smiling nonetheless.

_“I am the best at romance, trust me.”_

“Always do,” you said without hesitation.

 _“God, I fucking miss you,”_ he said.

“I miss you, too,” you said as you watched Aaron take down another water-logged Walker.

 _“What else is going on?”_ Negan asked.

“Carol is comin’ back today,” you said, turning your gaze to the horizon.

 _“I’m sure Daryl is thrilled about that,”_ he said.

“What do you mean?” you asked.

_“Ah, come on, don’t tell me you haven’t noticed those two? I clocked it the first time I saw them together.”_

“There’s nothing going on between Daryl and Carol,” you said with a dismissive scoff.

 _“Right, and I’m the damn Pope,”_ Negan said.

“No, you’re not. The hat wouldn’t look good on you,” you argued.

_“Uh, I look good in everything, (Y/N). Don’t lie to yourself.”_

“This is true,” you agreed, trying not to smile.

 _“Speaking of,”_ Negan said. _“What are you wearing?”_

“And we are changing the subject now,” you said.

 _“Buzzkill,”_ he countered.

“Perv,” you shot back.

_“Oh, shut up, you know you love me.”_

“Lord help me, but I do,” you said, smiling to yourself.

 _“Knew it,”_ he said. You smiled, but then turned the conversation onto something else.

“How’s Lydia?” you asked, worried about the teen.

 _“She seems okay,”_ Negan said. _“I talked to her this morning. She misses you,”_ he said.

“Yeah, I miss her, too,” you said. “I’ll be home soon, though. Is anyone messin’ with her?” you asked, concerned she was going to be met with the negativity that should only be reserved for her mother and her former family.

 _“Just the odd dirty look behind her back so far,”_ Negan assured you. _“Nothin’ she can’t handle.”_

“You don’t know that,” you said. “She hasn’t had to be around people beside Whisperers. Let alone people her own age.”

 _“Well, she’s got you now, so I know she’s gonna be okay,”_ Negan said gently and you let out a breath, letting his words soothe you.

“Just please keep an eye on her when you can please,” you asked him.

 _“Don’t worry, I got her,”_ he promised. You were relishing in the sound of his voice when you realized that you needed to get going. You were then wishing for a time machine to go back to when unlimited minutes were available on cell phones. _“What are you thinkin’?”_ he asked.

“That I should get goin’,” you said with a sigh. “I know Luke wanted me to help him set up dinner with Jules.”

 _“Who’s Luke again?”_ he asked.

“Uh, the violin guy. New group,” you explained.

 _“Right…”_ Negan trailed off.

“What?” you asked.

 _“Nothin’, just… Is he keepin’ his hands to himself?”_ Negan asked and you couldn’t stop the grin that spread across your face. So, instead of calming his nerves, you decided to have some fun.

“Nope, he is definitely not,” you said nonchalantly. “In fact, we’ve already had a steamy make-out session and Cyndie has agreed to marry us at sunset. Daryl is giving me away and Jude is gonna be the flower girl. I think it will be a wonderful ceremony. I’ll send you a piece of cake.”

Negan was quiet for a moment and you figured he was either rolling his eyes or staring off in the distance as he sighed deeply. Eventually, he pressed the talk button and said, _“You really need to work on your sense of humor.”_

“And _you_ need to get back to work before _Brandon_ realizes that you don’t actually know how to make moonshine,” you said.

“Fine,” he sighed. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“See you soon.”

“I love you,” he said softer and you leaned your head against the radio.

“I love you, too,” you whispered back, and then, static returned to the channel.

You let the radio rest in your hand for a moment as you thought of him. Being together for all those months without any break was almost like living a different life and now it felt alien to be away from him.

Hopping off the boulder, you began to head back to find Luke. “Who was that?” Jumping at the voice, you turned to see Connie and Kelly behind you. 

_“Jesus Christ,”_ you swore, signing as you did. Connie snorted. 

_“Nope, just me,”_ Connie signed and you couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Well, who was that?” Kelly asked. 

“Nobody,” you said with a shrug, but after knowing the sisters for a while now, you knew they saw right through your bullshit. 

_“Right,”_ signed Connie. With a sigh you relented.

“It was my boyfriend,” you explained. Connie and Kelly both raised their brows at that. 

_“Why do I feel like that wasn’t a positive reaction?”_ Kelly signed to her sister. 

_“Because,”_ Connie began, _“they are with Negan.”_

“Who’s Negan?” Kelly asked you and then you told your story. Connie had to remind you of a few signs such as “baseball bat” and “murderous widow”. You managed to finish without straying from the main train of thought and when you did, Kelly whistled low. “Shit,” she said. 

“Tell me about it,” you said. 

* * *

After helping Luke and Jules set up the fire pit, you went in search of Aaron, but you found Daryl and Carol first. 

“Look who’s back,” you said as you approached Carol. She reached out to hug you tightly.

“Good to see you,” Carol said. 

“You too,” you said with a smile and then tapped your fist against Daryl’s. It was then that Negan’s comment came back to you. You couldn’t help but try to see what he was seeing when he looked at the duo. Perhaps he was right after all. 

“What?” Daryl asked

“Nothing,” you said quickly, but he was still looking at you with narrowed eyes through his messy hair. 

“Right,” he said. “We were just talkin’ about Maggie.”

“Anyone heard from her lately?” you asked as you began to walk beside them. 

“Not yet,” Daryl said. “She has been checking in less and less lately.”

“Are you worried?” you asked and then turned to Carol, “Is he worried?”

“He’s Daryl,” Carol said, causing the man on her left to roll his eyes. 

“I hate when the two of you are together,” he muttered and Carol hooked her arm in his, playful leaning her head on his shoulder.

He let her of course and you could just hear Negan saying, _“I told you so, Teach,”_ in your mind. You hated when he was right. 

“You worried about her findin’ out about Negan?” Carol asked and you shot Daryl a look. 

“Yeah, I told her,” Daryl said. “You ain’t really making it a secret.” 

“Guess not,” you sighed. “I don’t know, Carol. I don’t really want to imagine _what_ her reaction would be. The woman scares me enough.” 

“Ya weren’t that close,” Daryl said. 

“Close enough,” you said.

You and Maggie had an odd relationship. While you were close with both Glenn and Beth, you and Maggie were never particularly close enough to be considered good friends. You had each other’s backs and you cared for her, but you never really knew what she was thinking. 

“I think she’d hit you,” Carol said casually. 

“Thank you, Carol. Your support is incredible,” you quipped and she just gave you a wink. 

“Come on, we have bigger things to worry about, right?” Carol asked. 

“You got that right,” Michonne said as she jogged up to you three. She carried something in her hand and when she raised it, Carol froze at Daryl’s side. It was one of the Whisperer’s masks. “We need to talk.”

* * *

“It washed downstream,” Rachel said as she looked at the mask on the table. You and the leaders were standing around one of the tables in the main meeting room trying to figure out what to do next. “It could have been from months ago.” 

“That doesn’t make me feel any better,” said Michonne. 

“Thoughts?” Carol asked, looking at her friend. 

“It could be something, but it could be nothing.” 

“We’ve agreed to her damn borders,” Daryl said from his spot next to Cyndie. 

“Which we shouldn’t have done,” you added. 

“I agree,” said Carol. 

“And then what? She kills more of us?” Michonne said. “It’s not that simple and you know it.” Carol was quiet then, stewing in her own thoughts about the woman who murdered her son. 

“We need to tell Hilltop and Alexandria,” Enid pointed out. She and Alden had taken on roles of leadership along with Ezekiel at Hilltop. 

“I’ll go call Gabriel,” Daryl said as he grabbed the radio and left the room to contact Alexandria. You were staring at the mask before you and you remembered a moment from a few months ago…

It was the middle of the night and you were out walking the streets of Alexandria, trying to shake off your nightmares. The weather was better so Negan was back in his cell. You had begun to walk to him, only to be sidetracked by the sound of the windmill. You stood there in the dark, staring up at the moving blades and a feeling crept up your spine.

It was almost as if someone was _watching_ you. Scanning the darkness, you only saw shapes that were slightly illuminated by the moonlight. Still, that feeling followed you as you continued to pace around the community. Eventually, you found yourself at the stables, stroking the horses to calm yourself. You had been able to not think about the Whisperers for moments at a time, but in the dark of night, you could only think about the way they moved and the way they whispered to one another. 

Looking down at that mask with its hollow eyes now made you feel sick. It was as if it was a message from Beta, telling you that he always knew where you were, where Lydia was. While Alpha scared you, Beta was who your nightmares were about. Alpha was smart, cunning, and ruthless, but Beta was her sword and Beta was going to be the one that struck first, you were sure of it. 

“(Y/N)?” Enid said, snapping you out of your memory. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” you said, not looking at her. “Excuse me,” you said before following Daryl out of the room and back into the fresh air of Oceanside. 

You didn’t look back as you kept moving towards the water, taking in deep breaths of the salty air. You tried to focus on the waves and how they crashed into one another on the shore, but it was hard to think of anything that didn’t send your heart into a panic.

Your hand gripped your sword at your side and you felt as if your fingers were about to break, but you tried to steady yourself.

It was just a mask.

Except, it wasn’t.

You felt a nudge at your back and turned to see Dog standing behind you. Connie was walking up behind him, giving you a friendly smile. You smiled back, scratching Dog behind his ears. 

_“Are you okay?”_ she asked. 

“Fine,” you said. 

_“I did not mean to call your boyfriend out like that earlier,”_ she said with a frown. You waved her off. 

“It’s okay, Connie,” you said. “He’s not a secret, at least I’m trying not to make him that.”

 _“He is lucky to have someone who cares for him that deep,”_ she signed. 

“Thanks,” you said, turning your eyes to the setting sun. Connie got your attention again as she began signing. 

_“Are you going home?”_ she asked.

“I might have too,” you said with a sigh. “I don’t like Lydia being there alone.” 

_“She is a good kid,”_ Connie said _. “I can see that you care about her.”_ You nodded, agreeing with Connie’s statement. You also knew that Connie had a soft spot for the teenager as well. She had been with Daryl when they rescued Lydia and Henry from the Whisperer camp and brought them back to Alexandria and then the fair. You also knew that Connie felt guilty for what happened to Henry, you all did. 

“I’m not sure how that happened,” you said. “We just connected.”

 _“You know,”_ she continued, _“you would be a great parent.”_

“Easy there, Connie,” you said with raised brows. 

_“Just saying,”_ she said with a shrug. It wasn’t as if you hadn’t thought about it before, becoming a parent. You knew that your friends had done it. Maggie, Rosita, Aaron, and of course Carol, but you never saw yourself in that light. At least not until you found Alexandria and began to take care of Judith when Rick was still around. He trusted you with both of his kids and then Aaron did as well with Gracie.

As a teacher, you loved teaching and taking care of kids, but after Elliot’s death, you shied away from the possibility of ever taking care of one of your own. However, now, with Negan in the picture, perhaps taking care of one wouldn’t be that bad. _Especially_ if it was Lydia. 

_“Does he love you?”_ Connie asked after a moment. 

“He does,” you answered easily. “But it’s complicated.” Connie shook her head then. 

_“There is a reason that the past stays behind us, (Y/N),”_ Connie said. 

“Not after what he did,” you said with a meaningful look. 

_“Nobody is a saint. That was taken from all of us as soon as the first Dead began to walk.”_ Connie then reached out and took your hand, squeezing it tightly in her own. 

“You’re wise,” you said and Connie scoffed and then let go so she could use her hands again. 

_“No, I just know how to see people in a different light,”_ she explained. 

“How?”

 _“I try to see them as people who make mistakes, and not mistakes masked as people,”_ she said and you smiled at that. 

“Thanks, Connie,” you said and you really meant it. 

_“Anytime.”_

* * *

You were heading back towards the cabin that you were sharing with Daryl and his dog when you ran into Judith.

“Are you leaving?” she asked, concerned.

“Tomorrow,” you said, already having decided that you would ride for Alexandria the following morning. Judith frowned then, her attention on her boots. “What’s wrong?” you asked.

“I’m worried about Negan,” she admitted.

“Why?” you asked, kneeling down so you could see her better.

“People are angry,” she said with a sigh. Her hat was low as she tried to avoid your eyes. You reached out and pushed it off her head, taking her shoulders in your hands. She looked at you with those eyes that reminded you so much of Shane. Regardless of what that man did, he helped make an incredible kid and you saw him in her eyes every time.

“They’re mad at Alpha, not Negan,” you assured her, trying to soothe her nerves.

“I don’t think that matters,” she said, kicking at a loose seashell.

“I know,” you said, brushing a piece of hair off her shoulder. “It’ll be okay. I know you care about him.” Judith nodded and then moved forward to wrap her arms around your neck, resting her head against the junction between your neck and your shoulder.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“For what?” you asked, squeezing her back as she held you

“I like that you see him as a human being,” she said and you nearly cried at her words. You just held the little Grimes back.

“I always will,” you promised.

“No matter what?” she asked.

“Yeah, kid. No Matter what.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After returning from Oceanside to help protect Alexandria and inform Negan about what’s going on, the reader is having a hard time keeping it together. With a satellite crashing, emotions heightening, and bonds being strengthened, how are our new couple going to handle it all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing, Violence
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Trouble Ahead” by Joanna Jones as The Dame
> 
> Note: Anyone else just love Negan’s humor? I do! Okay! So this is when things start to heat up with the whisperers. If you know the timeline for season 10 you know what’s coming up by part 24. Again, some things are going to be different, but I am really excited about getting further into the war. Until then, enjoy!

Your horse trotted along the dirt road, creating a steady rhythm beneath you.

Leaving Oceanside hadn’t been an easy decision, but Michonne needed you back to help protect the community. With the discovery of the Whisperer mask, you needed to stay alert. Gabriel had spoken to you that morning, telling you he was awaiting your arrival. 

The look on Daryl’s face when you left on your horse was one of caution. While he knew you were leaving because you needed to protect Alexandria, he also knew you were going back for Negan.

You needed Negan as much as he needed you.

Keeping your hand on your weapon the entire ride home, you were once again very nervous that someone was watching you through the dense trees. Whether it was Alpha herself or one of her people, it made you on edge the entire ride. 

You were reminded of the last time you felt that way when you rode from Hilltop to inform Alexandria of trouble. However, that welcome home experience had been _vastly_ different than the one you rode towards now. You had been furious with Negan then, but now all you wanted was to see his welcoming smile. 

You rode faster. 

Scott was there to pull open the far gate as you approached, nodding to you as your horse slowed to a stop. Gabriel was waiting for you at the stables. 

“Never a dull day, is it?” Gabriel said as you dismounted. 

“Not in this world, Father,” you said with a sigh. 

“Daryl told me the gist of it,” Gabriel said. 

“So, I don’t need to relay all the gory details then?” 

“I think you’re good to relax for a few hours,” he said, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“Thanks,” you said. “How’s the little one?”

“She is sleeping next to her mother who is also very tired,” Gabriel explained. 

“Looks like she’s not the only one, huh?” you asked, noticing the fatigue that was weighing on the Father. 

“It’s Siddiq’s turn to sleep,” Gabriel said with a shallow yawn. “He was up with her for most of the night so Rosita could get some rest finally.” 

“Well, if anyone needs me to step in, that kid loves me,” you said with a wink. 

“Yes, I know,” he said. “I will let you know if I need help, okay?”

“Sounds good to me,” you said, hiking your bag up onto your shoulders. “Let me know if any trouble comes up, yeah?”

“You’ll be my first call,” Gabriel promised and with a salute, you began walking home. 

However, as you crossed through the main square, you noticed a familiar form kneeling in the tomato garden. Sneaking over towards him, you stopped just behind him, placing your hands on your hips. 

“A large man enters a tomato patch,” you began, causing Negan to freeze below you, “there _has_ to be a joke in there somewhere.” Negan put down the fruit he had been holding as he half turned over his shoulder. 

“If there _were_ , you would be the one to know,” he said and then you were smiling. Negan spun around on his knee and got to his feet. He took you in his arms as soon as he was upright. You laughed as he held you, tucking your face into his neck. “Welcome home,” he whispered into your hair. 

“It’s good to be home,” you said as he set you down. Towering over you as always, he took his time to look at your face as if he was memorizing it. 

“What’s with that mischievous look in your eyes?” he asked, narrowing his own eyes.

“I’m stealin’ your attention,” you said with a shrug. 

“Ain’t no need for stealin’, it’s always yours,” Negan said, leaning down to kiss you. You met him halfway, drowning in the feel. 

“Negan,” a voice said, “you should get back to work.” You slowly pulled away from Negan and looked to your left to see a scrawny guy holding a spear. 

“Brandon?” you whispered to Negan who nodded and rolled his eyes. You nodded as well before turning to the young man. “Brandon, is it?” 

“Yes,” he said, standing up straighter as he recognized you. 

“Right, well, I think I got it from here. Why don’t you take a quick break, yeah?”

“I’m supposed to guard him,” Brandon countered. 

“And _I_ am second in command when it comes to security,” you explained. “Although, considering Michonne isn’t here, that makes me first in command. So, as your _boss_ , take a break.”

“I don’t think…”

“How many Walkers you kill?” you interrupted. “How many people? How many battles have you fought in? Cause if I’m being honest, kid, if you tried to go up against me let alone Negan here, you’re going down in the first round. So,” you walked towards him and took the spear from his clammy hands, “take. A. Break.” 

Brandon glared at you but walked away. You watched as he sat not too far, keeping his eyes on Negan and yourself. With a small chuckle, you threw the spear down, shoving the pointed end in the soil. You then folded yourself down onto the grass, basking in the sun. 

“I _am_ supposed to be working,” Negan said. 

“Nobody’s stopping you, honey,” you said, gesturing to him to continue to pick his tomatoes in peace. “I just wanted the adolescent ears to leave us alone for a second.”

“Planning on doin’ something not suitable for younger audiences, (Y/N)?” Negan asked, raising one of his brows as he kneeled back into the dirt.

“Nope,” you said, and then with a smile slowly spreading across your face. “Well, maybe not right now.” Negan grinned at that, trying to stay focused on his task. 

Leaning back on your arms, you let the sun warm your face for a bit before you began to let Negan what was going on. Lately, it was as if all you did was talk shop with each other. Then again, with the way the world turned now, it made sense.

With a sigh, you sat up and turned towards him. “Judith found a mask,” you said. Negan paused for a moment before counting to pull the red fruit from their vines. 

“Was it _attached_ to anyone?” Negan asked. 

“No, it was just in the sand. She and the kids were digging for shells. Jude told her mom as soon as she found it. Rachel and Cyndie think it just washed down the river from the storms.”

“Could have,” Negan agreed. He then glanced over at you. “But you’re not convinced.”

“I’m not convinced of _anything_ , Negan,” you admitted. “We haven’t seen them for _months_. After what Daryl did to Beta and with Lydia living here…” you looked around for the teen, but you figured she was with Laura who had been teaching her a few things. “I just don’t like the odds.”

“Neither do I,” Negan said with a sigh.

“I can’t close my eyes without seeing Beta’s face in mine, his _hand_ on my throat… He terrifies me.” 

“I know,” Negan said as he reached over and took your hand in his. “He is not going to lay a goddamn hand on you again, do you understand me?” The intensity in his eyes spoke volumes. 

Negan had been by your side for a particularly bad nightmare when you dreamt Beta was stealing your face. You could still feel the sharp kiss of his blade on your cheek for hours after waking. The terror that you felt when thinking of that man, made your blood run cold. 

He was still holding your hand as he tried to make you see how serious he was. You squeezed his hand back and nodded, a thickness growing in your throat. “I understand.”

“Good,” he said, lifting your hand to plant a kiss on the back of it before returning to his work.

Just as you were about to get up and head home for a bit, Lydia came walking towards you and Negan. 

When she saw you, her face lit up with a wide smile and she picked up her pace a bit more. When she was close enough, two people you recognized from Kingdom walked past the teen and you didn’t miss the look on Lydia’s face as they shot words of anger at her.

Negan heard it, too. 

You slammed your hand down onto his shoulder before he could get up and confront the assholes. Instead, you walked forward and stepped into their path.

“Hey!” you said, stopping them. “You wanna repeat that?”

“What?” one of the guys said, his eyes flashing to the weapon that hung on your hip. 

“I said,” you said, stepping closer to them, “do you want to say that that again? Calling Lydia a killer? Perhaps a little louder this time so we can _all_ hear you?” Both of them, the man and the woman, probably no older than Enid froze as you stared them down. 

“No,” the woman said, avoiding eye contact. 

“That’s what I thought would be your answer. Get lost,” you ordered. “Go!” They scrambled away, not looking back as you watched them disappear in between the houses. 

“You shouldn’t do that,” Lydia said from behind you. You turned to see her standing next to a very angry Negan. You went to his side and ran your hand up his back and felt just a bit of the tension leave his body.

“Do what?” you asked her. 

“This is your home. You shouldn’t have to defend me by angering your people,” Lydia said, her eyes casting down. Something she always did when she felt ashamed of something that wasn’t her fault. 

“Well, for one, those two aren’t really my people. I don’t even know their names. And two, I maybe have about _six_ friends here, seven if you count Judith, eight if you count this one,” you said, pointing to Negan. 

“Which you always should,” Negan said, snaking a hand around your waist. Negan was slipping back into his laid-back demeanor and you knew it was for Lydia’s sake. Just another thing you loved about him. You smiled at him softly. 

“Trust me, Lydia,” you continued, “I don’t care if they’re pissed. I’ve told you before, kid, you’re my family now and if they know what’s good for them, they’ll leave you alone. Rumor has it, I have a very bad temper. Just ask all the people who have tried to hurt Judith or Daryl.”

“Oh wait,” Negan added, “you can’t.” He then offered you his fist which you tapped with your own, both of you never looking away from Lydia. She watched the two of you with wariness in her eyes. 

“They’re right though,” Lydia said. “It’s my fault, I am a killer.”

“So am I,” you said with a shrug, and then with a snort, you slapped Negan on his chest. “So is he. So is Daryl and so is Michonne, it’s not an obscure thing.” 

“Nobody’s a saint around here, kid,” Negan offered. “And that’s comin’ from the most hated person in this town _and_ beyond. Don’t try to steal my thunder,” he said and then winked at her causing Lydia to smile slightly. 

“Don’t listen to them and when it doubt,” you bent over and picked up a tomato from the basket, “throw one of these at them.”

 _“Only_ when they’re least expecting it,” Negan said and Lydia laughed and it was the sweetest sound you had heard in a while. 

“Why don’t you meet me at home and I’ll help you look for that part you wanted to give Daryl for his bike?’ you offered.

“Okay,” she said and then gave Negan another smile. 

“See you around, kid,” he said and she waved at both of you before turning and heading home. You waited until she was out of earshot before turning to Negan again.

“Thank you,” you said.

“She just needs people to look out for her,” Negan said. 

“I’m trying,” you promised. 

“I know you are and you’ll get there. So will she.”

“Not if people keep acting like she’s the Antichrist,” you sighed. 

“Does that make Alpha, Satan?” Negan wondered. 

“There’s _definitely_ a resemblance,” you said. Negan gasped, placing his hand on his chest. 

“You’ve _seen_ the Devil?”

“Every morning when I bring you breakfast,” you teased, grabbing his chin. 

“Very funny,” he said, always unamused by your humor. Though, you had a feeling he was warming up to it. 

“You do know,” you said, leaning in, “that Lucifer was God’s favourite and the most handsome of them all, right?”

“I ain’t nobody’s favourite,” he argued. 

“That’s not true,” you whispered. 

“Does that make you God?” he wondered. 

“It does have a nice ring to it,” you considered. 

“You’re ridiculous,” Negan said, “but I love you.”

“I love you, too,” you said kissing him firmly. When you pulled back, he was frowning. “Now, get back to your tomatoes before _Brandon_ puts a spear through both of us.” Negan grinned and then tipped the baseball hat that was on his head. 

_“Yes, Boss.”_

* * *

You were almost asleep on your couch when a deafening boom shook your house.

At the sound, you were thrown back to the days of the prison and the Governor’s attack. You half expected to look out your window and see a tank mowing down the walls of Alexandria.

Instead, you saw fire raining from the sky.

Slinging on your sword, you ran for the watchpoint. Streaming past a confused Negan, you hauled yourself up the ladder and met Gabriel who was holding a radio in his hands.

“You’re moving _towards_ it?” Gabriel was saying into the walkie.

 _“Affirmative,”_ Eugene said over the walkie. You hadn’t even realized that Eugene had left. He must have left when you were arriving or even before.

“What’s going on?” you asked, searching the area for flames.

“Eugene says a satellite went down near Oceanside,” Gabriel said.

“Is everyone okay?” you asked, instantly worried.

“Any injuries, Eugene?” Gabe asked.

 _“Negative on that front, Padre,”_ Eugene said and it sounded as if he was out of breath from running. _“However, it seems a rather large forest fire has started that would make even Smokey the Bear incredibly pissed off. We are moving towards the North to take care of it.”_

At Eugene’s words, you grabbed the radio from Gabriel and slammed your thumb on the talk button. “Don’t you _dare_ go over the border!” you yelled at him. Everyone knew where the lines were from the ruins of the Kingdom to the shores of Oceanside and more.

Michonne and Daryl weren’t stupid enough to do this, not now. Especially not after what Judith found at the beach.

 _“We have no choice,”_ Eugene huffed. _“The fuel from the orbiter will singe this place to charcoal worthy of a Texas barbeque.”_

“Then let it!” you said as you exchanged a worried glance with Gabriel.

 _“Can’t do that!”_ Michonne said suddenly over the line.

“Michonne, I swear to God—”

 _“It’s Oceanside’s hunting ground,”_ Michonne interrupted. _“If we don’t deal with it, it will spread and infringe on our land and Alphas!”_

“And if you do, she’s going to know!”

 _“That’s a risk I am willing to take,”_ she said before static took over the line.

“Michonne? Michonne!” you yelled, but the line remained silent. “Son of a bitch!” you swore and Gabriel grabbed the radio before you could smash it into the wall.

“Calm down,” Gabriel warned.

“Calm down? Are you fucking _kidding me,_ Gabe? I’m so _sick_ of people saying that we need to be calm or that they’ve left us alone. They haven’t! Alpha and Beta are still out there and they are just waiting for us to fuck up and look what our friends are doing _right now!”_

“(Y/N), Michonne knows what she’s doing,” he said.

“You were not there, Gabriel!” you bellowed. “You didn’t see what they _did_ to our friends and family. What they did to _Tara!_ You don’t get to tell me that she knows what she’s doing. We don’t know what we’re doing, any of us!”

“What do you want us to do!”

“I want us to stop thinking that just because Alpha doesn’t have _guns_ or _grenades_ , that she’s not the most dangerous thing we have faced since the start of this shit,” you said. “She will kill all of us and it will because we were naive and stupid.”

Without waiting for an answer from Gabriel, you left the watch post. Your boots hit the ground hard as rage simmered in your stomach. You could see Negan ahead of you with Lydia who had run out to see what the commotion was. He was looking at you, but you couldn’t stand to see the concern in his eyes. Not now.

Instead, you turned and shoved open the gate and slammed it behind you, needing to be out of Alexandria and take out your frustrations.

* * *

Walking the perimeter of the community, you began to stalk the Dead.

Your sword dragged through the dead grass and the shriveled shrubs, waiting to find its mark. The anger you felt in your body, in your soul, was overwhelming.

You had been in that clearing when Alpha had threatened you. You had been one of the people to walk up to the pikes at the top of the hill and witness the horror. Yet, nobody felt the need to listen to your warnings.

This wasn’t the Governor or the Saviors, this was something… _sinister_ and nothing could have prepared any of you for it.

You hastily scrubbed at the tears of frustration that dripped off your cheeks. Losing focus now was not an option. You had to stay sharp, ready, and anticipate anything.

Lifting your sword, you leveled it towards a small group of Walkers that meandered towards your home. With a few quick whistles, you got their attention.

Lumbering towards you, their groans grew louder as their shuffling feet stumbled toward you. You let the first one approach as close as possible before swinging your blade up in a big arc, slashing through the creature’s abdomen.

It fell at your feet and you shoved the tip of your sword into its eye, ending it for good. Two more approached then, reaching for you and in a fast maneuver that Michonne had taught you, you slipped between them and in a hard strike, took off both of their heads.

Kicking away the still-moving heads, you went for the last four. Two slashes and the first was down with its brain cut in half. Another few strikes and the next two fell at your feet, their jaws separated from their bodies.

You stood before the final Walker who was limping along with only half a foot on its left leg. You watched as it tried to get to you. Taking only a few steps to keep out of its reach, you stared at it, trying to see what made it so damn interesting.

“What makes you so special?” you whispered, staring at the rotting woman. _“Why_ do they walk with you?” you asked.

White eyes stared back at you as if it was contemplating its answer, but you knew the truth. The Dead were now the majority and Alpha was taking advantage of it. She was the mastermind of the Dead-filled world and that alone, fueled your final strike.

You struck the Walker, cleaving its head in half. As it fell to the ground, you leaned on your sword, feeling the weight of your body fully on the pommel and the blade.

You then fell completely to your knees as emotions overwhelmed you. You began to cry and it was then that all you felt was sorrow.

You cried to Tara, for Jesus, and for Henry. You cried for those you never knew that well who perished at the hands of Alpha. You cried for Elliot and Lucille who never had a chance and most importantly, you cried for Rick and Carl, the two men you missed the most.

Your chest felt as if it was on fire amid the coldness that seemed to seep out of the Dead bodies around you. Nothing felt right and nothing felt real. Looking to the smoke-filled sky, you peered through tear-filled eyes and said, “Why have we become this?”

* * *

It was night when you finally walked back through the gates.

Blood was splattered on your face and your clothes, but you could only feel the weight of the steel in your hands and the dread in your chest.

You knew that Negan would be back in his cell by now, but you didn’t have the energy to visit him and you didn’t want comfort which he was sure to offer.

Instead, you went home and hoped that Lydia was out with Laura or even Scott. As you reached your house, it wasn’t the teenager that waited for you, it was Rosita, and in her arms was her daughter.

“Rough night?” she asked as she stood, readjusting Coco.

“What do you want, Ro?” you asked, moving past her.

“I was going to ask you to hold the kid so you stayed somewhat calm, but she’s been Walker-blood-free since she was born and I don’t want that to change just yet,” she said as she followed you inside.

“I’m sorry I’m being such a shit role model for your daughter,” you said, throwing your sword down on your table by the stairs.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” Rosita said. You sighed and turned to your friend. Coco was looking at you with wide eyes and you were surprised that the baby wasn’t asleep as her mother rocked her back and forth.

Wiping off one of your fingers, you offered it to the baby. Coco grasped your index finger and looked at you as if you were the most interesting thing in the world. That look began to thaw your heart.

“Ever think about it?” Rosita asked quietly.

“Sometimes,” you admitted. “Though, raising a kid isn’t on my current to-do list.”

“I know,” Rosita said as you pulled back and went to shred your bloody jacket. “I know the rage you’re feeling, (Y/N).”

“I know you do,” you said. “Doesn’t mean I want to talk about it.”

“You need to. Even if it’s to Daryl’s damn dog, you have to say _some_ of this out loud. Keeping it all inside isn’t helping.”

“Is _anything_ helping?” you asked. “Cause I’m all out of ideas, Rosita. I don’t know what to do anymore. What I _do_ know is that Alpha has to die and Carol seems to be the only one who is as on board as I am.”

“I’m there too,” she said. “I will back any decision you make, no matter what.”

“You wouldn’t happen to have any long-range weapons around, would you?”

“Afraid not,” Rosita said with a knowing look. You sighed, leaning against the back of the couch. Lydia’s staff was leaning against it, the chained end hanging towards the ground, swinging on its own accord. “What are you thinking?” she asked.

“Something doesn’t make sense,” you said, finally voicing a thought you had since that first day Alpha approached Hilltop. “If they have been walking with the Dead since Lydia was a kid, why attack now? Why are we _just_ hearing about them?”

“Because of Lydia?” Rosita proposed.

“I don’t think so. It _has_ to be more than that,” you said, shaking your head.

“Maybe we interrupted their routine. We finally stepped into their territory, screwed up her way of life.”

“But we can’t be the only ones to do it,” you said, crossing your arms.

“We’re probably the only ones who were willing to challenge her,” Rosita pointed out. “We _have_ made a habit of standing up to our bullies.”

“You’re right, and I hate it when you’re right,” you sighed. Rosita smirked as Coco began to squirm and yawn, her little fists reaching for her mother’s hair. “Get her home, yeah?”

“Are you going to be okay?” Rosita asked. “I have a couch that Eugene tends to find _very_ comfortable.” You shook your head, waving off her offer.

“I’ll be alright and I’ll come and relieve you of baby duty for a bit tomorrow, okay?”

“I’ll hold you to it,” Rosita said before turning to go. You watched as Rosita walked her baby back over to her home and through the open window, you saw her hand Coco over to Siddiq who began Daddy duty for the night.

You felt your heart sinking further into your chest as you dragged yourself up to your room and collapsed onto the duvet, desperate for sleep.

* * *

In the dark of the jail, Lydia and Gabriel spoke to Negan.

“I’ve never seen them like this,” Gabriel said.

“Like what?” Lydia asked.

“Unhinged is the first word that comes to mind,” Gabriel admitted.

“Careful,” Negan said from the shadows of his cell.

“Don’t act like you haven’t noticed,” Gabriel defended.

“I wouldn’t call them ‘unhinged’, maybe just on edge,” Negan said.

“I thought that was their normal personality,” Lydia muttered.

“It can be,” said Negan.

“There’s more to (Y/N) than you know, both of you,” Gabriel said. “I’ve seen them kill without mercy but also show the _purest_ amount of kindness. Usually, I can gauge where their head is at, but I can’t right now. I’m not even sure those who have known them the longest, like Carol or Daryl, can either.”

“You sound nervous, Father,” Negan said, leaning into the sliver of moonlight that shone through the bars of his small window.

“Aren’t _you?”_ Gabriel asked, stepping towards the cell. “You may be in love with them, but how much do you _really_ know about them and what they’re capable of, Negan?”

“Do not try to tell me that I don’t know them, Gabe,” Negan warned.

“I’ve always been straight with you, Negan,” Gabriel said. “I’ve never lied to you and you’ve never lied to me, so hear me when I say this, (Y/N) is either a timebomb or a calm sea. Beta lit that dangerous spark the night he threatened them and I have been waiting for the implosion because that _is_ what it will be. They will collapse in on themselves before lashing out and none of us will be safe when that happens.”

“How can we help?” Lydia asked before Negan could.

“Listen to them,” Gabriel said. “I made the mistake of not doing so before a group of vicious individuals attacked Alexandria and killed our people well before we met the Saviors. Do _not_ underestimate (Y/N) and _do not_ count them out in a fight.”

“Why do I feel like you’re warning me instead of offering me advice?” Negan asked. Gabriel placed his hands on the bars so he could properly see Negan.

“Because I am, Negan,” Gabriel said. “You fell in love with a double-edged sword.” Negan stared back, not liking the tone of the Father. Gabriel leaned in more and in the dark, his one working eye zeroed in on Negan. “Tell me, are you willing to embrace both sides or just the one that you are shielded against?”


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were right in Alpha seeking revenge for crossing into their lands and now swarms of Walkers are arriving at the gates of Alexandria. Still trying to deal with the emotions in your own mind, you are tasked with supervising Aaron and Negan who are to work together. What happens when the three of you get stuck over night in a cabin together and what is Carol thinking?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “My Blood” by twenty one pilots
> 
> Note: This one takes place in ep 3 of season 10 called “Ghosts”. In this chapter, we get a better look at the reader’s life before the end of the Savior war and especially what they knew about Carl and the letter he left for Negan.

A cataclysmic event.

That was what you witnessed when they dropped fire on Atlanta. Everything was burning and the air was thick with the smell of hot metal and melting tar. You could still remember the way your skin felt as you ran through the street, trying to flee from the destruction. 

That was the first night you finally saw a Walker up close. You had seen them on the TV and images that flashed on public monitors in the heart of the city, but never had one been mere feet away. It moved towards you as if you were the only thing in the world that mattered. You wanted to run, to scream, but you just stood there, watching. 

You could hear the commotion behind you as people ran for their lives, but nothing could distract you from the Dead man in front of you. Fresh blood dripped from its mouth as it reached for you. Stumbling back, you couldn’t think to do anything else but examine how something as beautiful as a human being had become...this. 

A shot came from a nearby convoy as the military tore through the rubble-filled streets, ending the Walker once and for all. They didn’t stop to ask if you were okay and they didn’t yell at you to run, they just kept going and you were alone again. 

As you stared down at the man that once was, you couldn’t stop the thoughts that ran through your head that said, “Perhaps _this_ is next for all of us. Perhaps this is what is _meant_ to happen.” 

That thought followed you all the way from the city and into the hills where you eventually met Carl Grimes and it had never truly left you. 

Even now as you watched Walkers approach your home in waves, those two little sentences were buzzing in the back of your mind, trying to make themselves known. However, just as you had for about a decade now, you shoved them away and picked up your weapon. 

The number of Walkers that fell upon Alexandria was something that you hadn’t seen in years. Being so far from the cities, it was rare to find massive hordes right near the communities or even groups of more than ten or fifteen. However, now there were groups of ten or twenty every time you turned around and you knew why. 

Alpha was pissed. 

You had tried to warn them when they went over her borders, but of course, nobody batted an eye when you spoke up. 

You couldn’t understand how one day your thoughts mattered and the next, they went clear over everyone’s heads. You knew you weren’t in charge, that didn’t both you. What _did_ bother you was that your people had begun to question you, rather than relying on your council. You started to notice it after the blizzard and then even more so as your relationship with Negan furthered. 

While you still held a position of respect within Alexandria, you knew that you were looked at differently because of Negan, but you didn’t hold an ounce of resentment towards the man that you loved. Negan was the most important part of your life now and if that meant that nobody looked to you anymore, that was something that would have to get used to. 

Especially in moments when you were the only one dealing with the Dead. 

Aaron and the others had arrived home in the early hours of the morning, desperate to get their children home safely and when they saw you on watch, they had avoided your eyes immediately. You knew _why_ they crossed over, but if you had had it your way, you would have been glad to watch the world burn. 

There had been a discussion, well rather an argument, earlier as more waves of Walkers approached. Lydia had been present in the meeting hall when Daryl had begun questioning her.

You had stayed in the back, ready to jump in to defend her if necessary, but she was handling it well. Lydia had explained that she didn’t think the Walkers were from her mother and that Alpha would have sent a horde. You weren’t so sure about that.

You knew fear tactics and this was textbook. 

Then there was the fact that Alpha now wanted to speak to Michonne and Daryl. You hadn’t even volunteered to go with them to the South border because you knew they would shut you down. However, you didn’t mention that bringing Carol was just as much of a risk. While you were pissed and wanting blood, Carol’s vendetta was even more personal.

Once some of the Highwaymen began throwing insults at Lydia, you took her out of the room and let Daryl deal with them. The last thing she needed was more venom thrown at her and you weren’t going to have her stand by and be spit on. 

Instead, you began to help clear out the Walkers again while you thought about what to do about her mother. While you didn’t agree with accepting Alpha’s terms and her borders, antagonizing her was the last thing you wanted to do.

If you were going to take her out, you wanted to do it when she didn’t expect it. You didn’t want a firefight or a clashing of swords, you just wanted her and Beta dead. It was that simple. Though, like most things in the fucked up world known as the apocalypse, _nothing_ was ever _truly_ simple. 

Negan was not too far away from you, helping to load the corpses into the wagons. You were keeping an eye on him as he worked, but you kept finding yourself distracted as the day wore on. Especially by one memory in particular…

* * *

_Months Earlier…_

_“This is either a trick or you pulled some huge strings on the puppet masters of Alexandria,” Negan said as he closed the door to your house behind you. Lydia who was sitting on the couch glanced up from the art book in her hands, something you had found in the garage a few days before and gave to her._

_“If you keep questioning Michonne’s decision, she’s gonna send your ass back out into the cold to sleep in the snow,” you warned, taking off your heavy coat._

_“I’m not complaining,” Negan said with a grin and a wink. With a sigh, you gestured for him to make himself at home._

_“Lydia, did you eat?” you asked as you entered the living room to turn on your newly fixed fireplace._

_“Siddiq brought me something,” she said quietly as she stared at Negan who looking at her with curiosity. You gestured between them._

_“Lydia, this is Negan. Negan, meet Lydia,” you introduced._

_“Nice to meet ya, kid,” he said with a neutral face, trying to gauge her reaction._

_“Hi,” she said shyly, folding her legs underneath her on the couch._

_“Jailbird here is gonna be staying with us when it’s below zero,” you explained as Negan leaned against the wall near the fire. “So just watch where you step so you don’t step in his ego while he’s here.” Negan scoffed._

_“Wow, (Y/N), that hurts,” he said._

_“Yeah? Well, so does this,” you said, as you gestured to the fresh wound on your side. “I’m gonna go change the dressing, try not to corrupt her, yeah?”_

_“I would never!” he called as you climbed the stairs towards your room. However, instead of searching for gauze, you remained on the landing and listened in on Negan and Lydia. “What are you reading?” Negan asked after a moment and you could hear the flipping of pages in the quiet of the room._

_“(Y/N) found it in the garage,” Lydia said._

_“Ah, Dalí,” Negan said. “I like his stuff.”_

_“The clocks are cool,” Lydia admitted and you smiled to yourself._

_“That they are,” Negan agreed. “How are you doing? I heard life is sort of kicking you in the teeth at the moment.”_

_“I’m better than I was yesterday,” Lydia said. “At least a little bit.”_

_“And tomorrow you’ll be a bit better than you were today. Takes time,” he said._

_“Nobody wants me here,” she whispered, almost too quiet for you to hear._

_“(Y/N) does,” Negan said, “and trust me, coming from them, that means a lot.”_

_“Why are you locked up?” Lydia suddenly asked and Negan remained quiet. It was only after about a minute that he sighed._

_“Do you really want to know? It’s not a pretty story,” he said._

_“Neither is mine,” Lydia admitted and then you heard her shifting on the couch, settling in to listen to him._

_“Alright,” Negan said, almost reluctantly. “It all started when a man named Rick visited Hilltop for the first time…”_

* * *

You were knocked out of your memory as arguing reached your ears.

Still reeling from your thoughts, you searched for the cause only to see Gabriel stepping in between Aaron and Negan. Aaron’s morning star prosthetic was already attached and you could almost see the smoke coming out of his ears as you rushed over to find out what the damn issue was. 

“You need fighters,” Gabriel was saying. “He can fight, you’re taking him.” 

_“What now?”_ you asked, already regretting the question. 

“Your buddy doesn’t trust me to help him take out Walkers,” Negan explained. “Though, I’ve already expressed my desire to stay here and bury corpses instead of hanging out with Captain Hook here.” Aaron glared at Negan and you were already getting a migraine. 

“Seriously?” you asked Gabriel who was already on the verge of giving up. “Fine, I guess _I_ will play babysitter.”

“Fucking perfect,” Aaron swore. 

“Hey,” you said, pointing at him, “don’t break the asshole pact,” you said, reminding him of the conversation the two of you had on his porch before you left for the fair. You had finally repaired your relationship with Aaron and you weren’t going to blow it now. 

“I know, I know,” Aaron said, getting where you were coming from, “but it doesn’t extend to _him.”_

“I never said it did,” you defended. 

“You want to referee these two?” Gabriel asked, throwing his hands up in defeat. “Fine, be my guest!” Gabriel stormed away and you turned to both of the men before you with your arms crossed. 

“Great, now you’ve pissed off the Priest.”

* * *

The three of you walked through the thick forest in silence. 

Normally, you would have been chatting or joking with Negan about being outside the walls for the first time together, but your romantic getaway was nowhere near as special as you thought it would be. 

Aaron dragged his feet alongside both of you. You could hear his feet digging in the mud and you knew he was doing it on purpose to annoy Negan. Jesus had taught him how to move through the woods in silence just as Lydia was teaching you. 

This only made you even _more_ annoyed.

“You’re quiet today,” Negan observed, poking at your side. You looked over at him and took his hand, squeezing it a few times before letting go. 

“Sorry,” you said, returning your hand to rest on your sword.

“What’s gotten into you?” Aaron asked. 

“I’m pissed off, Aaron,” you explained with a huff. 

“Well, I can see that,” Aaron said. 

_“Not helping,”_ Negan shot back. Aaron just rolled his eyes at Negan’s comment. You pushed on, ignoring both of them. It had only been a couple of days since the satellite fell and while Eugene felt that harvesting the tech from the machine was necessary, you still thought it was foolish. 

Your mood wasn’t getting any better no matter what Lydia or Negan tried. If you were being honest with yourself, you just needed a break. All you wanted to do was go away for a while and not think about communities arguing or masked menaces tracking your every mood. 

You just needed a moment. 

Now with the meeting happening at the Southern border, you didn’t know what to expect. Just as long as Daryl came back in one piece, you would be okay. 

For now. 

The three of you ended up in a clearing not too far from Alexandria, but far enough to see where the Walkers would be crossing towards the main road that led home.

Aaron gave Negan an old broomstick to handle the Walkers and he wouldn’t give in to your request of giving Negan your knife. It was ridiculous, but you figured it was better than Aaron yelling and Negan making ridiculous comments. 

“You have that look on your face,” Aaron observed as he took a swig of his water after taking out another Walker. 

“What look?” you asked, unbothered by the blood stuck to your blade. Negan was nearby, always twirling his stick around to amuse himself. 

“It’s the same look you had the day Rick and Daryl brought Jesus to Alexandria,” he explained. 

“Annoyed?” you asked, staring off into the trees. 

“More suspicious,” he said. “Though, I would throw in just a _dash_ of pessimism, too.”

“Is that so?” you asked.

“You know, when I met you, I really didn’t like you,” Aaron said and you scoffed.

“Ouch,” Negan muttered. 

“There was just something about you that I didn’t get,” he went on. “Rick acted as if you were some kind of boogeyman.”

“This isn’t sounding any better, Aaron,” you said, leaning on your sword. 

“What I’m _trying_ to say is that you always seemed like the black sheep of the family and I think we need that kind of thinking right about now,” he said, surprising you. 

“I thought you would be on team, ‘cross the border’,” you said.

“So did I,” Aaron said. 

“But?” you prompted. 

“I don’t know anything at this point. At least, I feel as if I don’t,” he admitted. “All I do know is that we can’t treat these...people like we have in the past with other enemies,” Aaron said and you didn’t miss the glance he threw at Negan. Negan ignored him, but he was still listening.

“Right, and now with Daryl agreeing to meet with these psychos...” you sighed.

“Daryl knows what he’s doing,” Aaron tried.

“Well, out of the three of us here, I’ve known him the longest. I know how blind he can be when it comes to his family and with Carol hurting the way she is, he ain’t gonna stop until Alpha is dead,” you said. 

“I remember how he used to be,” Aaron said, but you shook your head.

“You didn’t know him before Alexandria, before the Prison,” you said. “Daryl used to be loud and sharp. After his brother went missing he became standoffish and reckless. Nobody could work with him, not even Rick. The crazy son of a bitch once impaled himself on his crossbow bolt when his horse threw him off. _Then,_ he got shot in the same afternoon on Maggie’s farm cause Andrea thought he was damn Walker. The man doesn’t know when to slow down.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Aaron asked. 

“It was when nobody knew him. Nobody knew what to expect. The only people he was even _decent_ to were Carol and Carl.” 

“Not you?” Negan asked, hauling another body over to the pile. 

“Definitely not,” you said, thinking about all the arguments the two of you would get into. “We were civil, but I think we saw too much of each other in another. I remember Merle, Daryl’s big brother seeing us work together against the Governor. He used to make some really ridiculous comments, but one always stuck with me. Merle would say that we were ‘just two screwed up kids who ended up at the end of the world,’ and hell, he was right.”

* * *

The three of you worked into the late afternoon, early evening as sweat bloomed on your brows and blood stuck to your boots. 

Negan did his best to take out the Walkers with his stick, but he was itching for a blade. If Aaron wasn’t around then he knew that you would give him one without question. 

As he watched you, he could see how anxious you were getting. You had mentioned that Daryl never slowed down, but you never did either. You became distant and restless when you didn’t have a target in your sights. It was one of the many things he loved about you. 

After taking down another three Walkers, you wicked the blood from the sword that had become a part of you. 

“I’m going to get some more water,” you announced. “Try _not_ to kill each other.”

“I’ll do my best,” Negan said with a wink. You ignored him as you grabbed the canteens and headed into the trees. 

Negan and Aaron were silent as they continued to kill the Walkers that broke off from the main horde that the others were handling. Without you to be there as a buffer, Aaron began to bite his tongue so he didn’t blow up at the man next to him.

Negan however, could _feel_ the heat coming off him. 

“Are you just gonna keep staring at me or are you going to man up and tell me what’s on your mind?” Negan said, turning to face his adversary. 

“I have _nothing_ to say to you,” Aaron said. 

“Ah, we both know _that’s_ not true,” Negan said. “You’ve been just _dying_ to give me a piece of that mind buried under all those curls. So, come on, lay it on me.” Aaron was quiet for a moment before he let his anger win over his decision to remain somewhat civil.

“You’re not good enough for them,” Aaron said and Negan raised his brows, taking in the words.

“If you think that pisses me off,” Negan began, “then I hate to break it to you, but you’re not the first to disapprove.”

“I won’t be the last either,” Aaron threatened and Negan caught onto what he was saying. 

“If this is about _Maggie_ ,” said Negan, “then I think you need to take a step back. She can want me dead all she damn well pleases, but the fact is, she had her chance to kill me and she didn’t take it.”

“She’d do it now,” Aaron said. 

“Why, because I’m in love with one of her friends? _Are_ they friends? Because last time I checked, (Y/N) _never_ talks about her.”

“You don’t get to dissect every relationship they’ve had. _You_ are the reason that (Y/N) lost two people they really cared about, three if you count Sasha,” Aaron said. 

“I had nothing to do with Sasha’s death,” Negan said. “I didn’t kill her.” 

“No, you didn’t,” Aaron agreed, “but you _are_ the reason she’s dead.” Negan glared at Aaron, trying to control his breathing. 

“It was _war_ , Aaron, or are you forgetting your merry bunch of survivors killed _my_ men as they fucking slept? _You_ pulled the trigger first. You can be pissed at me all you want, but do _not_ look at me and see a monster when you’ve shed just as much blood.”

“You wanna know what I see?” Aaron asked. “I see someone that's pretending.”

“Come on, man, just let it go,” Negan said as he moved past Aaron, going to follow you. However, Aaron was faster, throwing out his leg and blocking Negan’s step, sending him to the ground. “Jesus!” Negan swore. “Did you just _trip me?_ What, are you? _Twelve?”_ Aaron sneered at him, but Negan wasn’t having it. Getting to his feet, he towered over Aaron. “What the _hell_ is wrong with you? I've been puttin' my neck on a block for you people all goddamn day!” 

“You don't give a _damn_ about us,” Aaron said, not believing it for a second. “If you gave a shit, you'd leave. That's what everyone needs.”

“I can’t do that and you know it,” Negan said. 

“Because you love them?” Aaron asked with a scoff.

“Is that so _hard_ to believe?”

“Coming from _you?_ Absolutely! They may have forgiven you for all the death and torture, but the rest of us haven’t!” 

“Nobody has forgiven anyone!” Negan said. “You think (Y/N) forgives me for murdering their friends right in front of them? They don’t and I haven’t asked them to! Look, I did what I had to do back then.” Aaron was silent then as Negan’s words cascaded over him. 

Aaron then tilted his head just as a predator would when watching its prey. _“What_ did you say?” he asked, but Negan remained silent. “No, no, no. Open that up. Tell me _why_ the love of my life had to die,” he ordered. 

Negan shook his head, but he took the bait. “Okay. One simple fact. One truth kept my people going... if you don't protect what _belongs_ to you, then sooner or later, it belongs to someone else. That goes for your land, your wallet, your home, your country... _everything_. It is your job as a _man_ to protect it. That's the story of America, the story of the whole goddamn world. And ain't nothing changing it... not you, not me, _nobody_ ,” Negan said, getting into Aaron’s face, but the latter wasn’t backing down. 

“Are you saying that Eric's death was _my fault?”_ he asked but Negan remained still. Aaron then shook his head, stepping into Negan’s space even more. “Well, if _I_ failed _Eric_ ,” he whispered. “Then _you_ failed your _wife_.” Negan went still, looking down at Aaron with fury in his eyes.

“Careful,” Negan warned, trying to remain calm, but Aaron wasn’t done.

“Yeah. She died _hating_ you, right? Gabriel told us the story and I know that (Y/N) has heard it, too. Hate to break it to you, but you will never see her again.” Negan’s mouth turned into a smirk as light entered his eyes. 

“What? You wanna say something?” Aaron challenged. 

“Yeah,” Negan said and then with a quirked brow pointed over Aaron’s shoulder. “Behind you,” he whispered as Walkers converged on Aaron. Aaron took out one in a hurry as another, which was covered in vegetation, fell on Aaron, taking him to the ground. Aaron yelled as the Walker reached for his face, but he was able to hit it over the head with his morning star, killing it easily.

However, something was wrong. Negan was gone and Aaron couldn’t see.

* * *

By the time you got back to the clearing, it was night. 

Of course, this was the time for you to get turned around and have to double back. You pushed into the clearing, ready to get the boys back on track when you were met with an empty space. 

_“Seriously!”_ you yelled, throwing your hands up. “I say not to kill each other and they leave me,” you muttered. “No, _no_ , (Y/N) they’ll be _just fine_ , just two people who hate each other. Why should it matter if they both care about _you?_ It’s not like that _fucking matters.”_

You continued to talk to yourself as you shone your light on the ground and managed to find Negan’s footprints. “It’s a good thing you’re practically bigfoot,” you whispered as you headed into the trees. You were then very happy that Daryl had taken all that time to teach you how to track or you’d be out there stumbling over Walkers and roots.

The tracks were accompanied by another set. You figured they were Aaron’s considering how precise they were. Walker tracks were more random and uneven. They led away from Alexandria which only made you even more annoyed. “Right, let’s go _away_ from the walls and the warm food. Assholes,” you swore as you climbed over a fallen tree and kept moving. 

Eventually, you saw a flickering light in the distance. Stepping over what was either a dead Walker or a half-eaten deer, you arrived at a cabin. Noises of alarm echoed from the cabin and you ran towards it, kicking open the door. You slid into the main room just as Negan finished killing the last Walker with a crowbar. You would have to ask where he got that later. 

“What the hell?” you asked, alarming Negan. 

“(Y/N)?” Aaron’s voice came in the dark. “Negan?” 

Negan looked at you and in the dark of the room with only the moon to illuminate his features, he looked incredibly intimidating. “You alright?” Negan asked Aaron who was looking around the room rapidly. You took a step closer to him, confused. 

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “How did you…?”

“Your light switched on,” Negan explained, reaching down to turn off the flashlight that was on Aaron’s belt. 

“What’s wrong, Aaron?” you asked. 

“I can’t see,” he said, looking around the room, trying to focus on anything, but couldn’t. Negan kneeled in front of Aaron who stiffened as Negan got close. 

“Flowers growin’ out of the Walkers is hogweed,” Negan explained, looking at Aaron’s eyes. 

“Hogweed?” 

“Nasty shit,” Negan said with a glance over at you. “Causes rashes, blindness…”

“Is it permanent?” Aaron asked as you leaned against the wall. 

“Sometimes,” Negan admitted. “You wash your eyes out?” 

“Yeah, in a stream, but I… I didn’t have,” Aaron tried and then you realized you still had the water. 

“Here,” you said tossing the full canteen to Negan who gave it to Aaron. Aaron drank half of it in one go, desperate to quench his thirst. 

“Alright, come on,” Negan said as he helped Aaron off the floor and you were surprised to see that Aaron let him. Negan got him settled in the old chair before joining you next to the window. 

“What are you doing?” Aaron asked. 

“We’ll take watch and leave first thing in the morning. That good with you?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said softly. “Yeah, that’s good.”

“You two are both idiots,” you said, crossing your arms. 

“We know,” Negan and Aaron said at once and you couldn’t help but smirk at that. Aaron settled into the chair, the reaction to the hogweed taking its hold, but he didn’t sleep.

Instead, he listened. 

“Maybe _don’t_ run off in the middle of the night when a lot of Walkers are around, okay?” you said.

“Sorry,” Negan said sheepishly. You nodded to him, peering out the windows, letting your mind wander. “What are you thinking?” he asked. 

“What?”

“You look lost in thought, have all day,” he said with a shrug. 

“Uh, I was thinking about Rick,” you said. 

“Anything in particular?” he asked. You were quiet for a moment before turning to fully face him. 

“I lied to you before,” you said. 

“When?”

“When you asked me what the vote was on what to do with you. I told you that Rick just decided. He and Michonne had the final say, but that wasn’t the whole truth,” you admitted. “Rick asked _me_ what I thought he should do.” Negan was quiet for a moment.

“What did you say?”

“Nothing at first,” you said. “I didn’t have an opinion right away. I was angry with you and I wanted you to pay for what you did, but I… I didn’t know if death was the answer. I was conflicted.” 

“Why?” he asked and you looked at him with glossy eyes. 

“Because of Carl,” you admitted and you saw something shift behind his eyes at the mention of the late teen. “I read the letter that he wrote to you. Michonne let me after she had given me the one Carl left to me. I knew what Carl wanted. He wanted the fighting to stop, he wanted the hate to stop, and he wanted you to be a better man. How was I supposed to deny him that?”

“Did you tell Rick this?”

“Sort of,” you said with a sigh. “I told him that Carl had written to me asking me to take care of him and Judith. Carl trusted me to be the protector of his family because he couldn’t anymore, but he never needed to ask. I would have died for Rick and I _will_ die for RJ and Judith if it came down to it.”

“I know,” Negan whispered. 

“I thought about it for hours, the question Rick asked me, and then I told him that it wasn’t up to me and it wasn’t really up to him either. Carl had already made the decision. Rick had already made promises to the people he loved. He promised his best friend, Shane, that he would protect his family because Shane did it first; He promised _Lori_ that he would protect Carl and he did.

“What happened to Carl _wasn’t_ Rick’s fault no matter what he thought. Most of all, Rick promised Michonne that he would build a good life for their daughter, and I had to remind him that he wasn’t allowed to break that promise. Carl had an idea, and if we had killed you, we would have been dishonoring him and everything he wanted to fight for but couldn’t. I had to make a choice and for once it wasn’t for my survival, but for securing Carl’s legacy. You once asked me why I stayed in Alexandria when I felt as if I never quite fit.”

“And you said it was because Carl was buried there,” he remembered. 

“Alexandria is strong and still standing _because_ of Carl. It’s not just because his grave is there. It’s because everywhere I turn, I see that kid’s influence. I made a promise when I read the letter he wrote to me. I can’t break it now and I never will.”

“Where is all this coming from?” Negan asked. You wiped at the tears that formed in the corner of your eyes. 

“I feel as if I’m starting to lose sight of him, Negan,” you said. “I look around and I don’t see _Carl_ , I see Alpha’s face or Jesus’ blood on my hands. I can’t see the good anymore.” 

“There is still good in this world, (Y/N),” Negan promised. “You just gotta search a little harder.”

“I’m _tired_ of searching,” you said. “I _try_ to be there for Lydia, but most days I have no idea what I’m doing. What the hell does she see when she looks at me? _I_ don’t even know what I see when I look at her.”

“Do you wanna know what _I_ see when I look at Lydia?” he asked. 

“What?”

“I see a scared kid who’s had a shit life and who needs _you_ to look out for her,” Negan said. 

“Right,” you said, but Negan wasn’t convinced you were getting it. You then looked up at him. “What do you see when you look at me?” Negan didn’t even hesitate.

“Possibilities,” he said and it threw you for a loop. Looking at him in the dark of the cabin, you could only see the truth pouring from him. 

“What do you see when you look at yourself?” you whispered.

“Not much,” he answered.

“Negan…” 

“It’s alright,” he said. “I’ve accepted it. You know, when I went back to the Sanctuary and saw what everything had become, I finally got it.”

“Got what?” you asked. Negan reached out and dragged his knuckles along the back of your arm, savoring the feeling as if you were going to fade away. 

“That my number was up the _second_ Rick told me he was going to kill me in that clearing,” Negan said, avoiding your eyes. “I just didn’t know this would be how he’d do it, condemning me to a life of self-hatred,” he said with a self-deprecating laugh. 

“Why are you saying this to me?” you asked.

“I’m just trying to let you know that it’s okay if I don’t get the happy ending. I was more of a fan of horror films than fairytales anyway,” he admitted. 

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Just…” Negan trailed off and then pulled you towards him, wrapping his arms around you. “Just be still with me right now. Just, _be still.”_

* * *

Negan eventually fell asleep after you convinced him to get some rest. 

You were too wired to even think about sleeping. You sat on the floor between Negan and Aaron, your sword reflecting moonlight across the dark room. The next time you heard a voice, it was Aaron’s and not Negan’s. 

“I’m sorry,” Aaron whispered. “I didn’t mean to run off.”

“It’s okay,” you said, reaching up to squeeze his hand. Aaron went to say something else then when Negan began talking in his sleep. You were used to it from all the times you spent by his side in bed, but Aaron froze as he listened to the nonsense. 

It wasn’t until actual words were formed that Aaron sat up. _“Simon,”_ Negan muttered _. “Si…,”_ he said again and then went back to mumbling before growing silent again. It had been a while since he dreamed about Simon, you realized. 

“What the hell was that?” Aaron whispered. 

“Negan, he talks in his sleep. He says the names of his victims sometimes.”

“Simon?” Aaron asked, surprised. 

“Negan strangled him when he tried to overthrow him. Simon was the one who ordered all the men and boys to be killed at Oceanside. He killed the boy at Hilltop and was the one who massacred Jadis’ people. Negan never knew any of it,” you whispered. 

“Makes sense,” Aaron said and you furrowed your brow.

“How so?”

“Negan doesn’t hurt kids,” Aaron said simply. 

“No, no he doesn’t,” you said, glad that Aaron understood that. 

“He still grinds my gears,” Aaron said. 

“I know.”

“And since when is he a fucking _botanist?_ Hogweed, _really?”_ Aaron scoffed. 

“He’s been out in the world for a long time,” you said. 

“Yeah, I know,” he said and then, “I never knew about Rick.” You sighed, but you figured he had been listening. 

“Nobody knew, that was the point.”

“I guess I never realized just how _much_ he put on you,” Aaron said. 

“I didn’t mind,” you said, leaning your head against the chair. 

“Maybe you should’ve.”

* * *

The next morning, Aaron was still struggling with his eyesight, but it was getting better. 

Negan slung one of Aaron’s arms around his shoulders to help him walk as you carried the weapons. Rosita pulled open the gate when you got home and yelled for Siddiq as you explained what happened. The doctor came running down the street with worry. Once he saw that Aaron was in one piece more or less, he took him from Negan.

You knew that Siddiq and the new doctor, Dante, would get him fixed up in no time. After making sure Aaron was okay, you began to lead Negan back to his cell. As you approached the Grimes’ house, you noticed Michonne, Daryl, and a very pissed of Carol standing on the stoop. 

“Uh oh,” Negan said as he stuck close to you. As you got closer, Carol shoved past both of them and into the house. The look on Daryl’s face made you incredibly nervous considering he had just returned from the meeting with Alpha. 

You and Negan stopped next to them and Michonne seemed to relax at the sight of you, knowing that at least _you_ were okay. 

“What happened?” you asked. 

“Carol shot at Alpha,” Michonne divulged and you sighed, trying to contain your anger. 

“Fucking fantastic,” you swore. “How much shit are we in now?” 

“She knew we crossed,” Daryl said. “She knew about all of it. The fire, the blizzard, and _even_ when Michonne and Aaron crossed by the river. She’s got people everywhere.” 

“So Carol felt the need to light the fire further?” 

“You’re telling me you wouldn’t have?” Daryl challenged but you remained quiet. Daryl shook his head as he walked away. “I need to find Lydia,” he said before heading across the street. 

“This is only going to get worse now,” you said to Michonne who nodded. 

“I know,” she said. “Get ready for a fight.” Michonne turned and followed Carol back into the house, still rigid from the night before. You sighed, gripping the sides of your head as every fear was coming back.

“Are you actually _pissed_ Carol tried to kill Alpha?” Negan asked. 

“No,” you said, removing the keys from your belt, “I’m pissed that she missed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter is going to be an important one. Hint: Carol becomes desperate and turns to an unlikely ally.


	24. Chapter 24

For once, the silence of the night was comforting.

“What is this?” Negan whispered in the dark of his cell. His finger looped through the cord around your neck, feeling the shell casing you had attached to it.

You had needed him that night, slipping into his cell after everyone had gone to bed. Negan hadn’t even hesitated to pull you into his arms on his cot, wrapping his long arms around your waist and down your sides. He hadn’t waited any time to press his lips against yours as his hands explored your body that was pressed up against him.

Your hands had moved on their own accord, pulling him towards you to fill that need that was almost an addiction. Now, as you lay beneath the blanket with the cool night air filtering through the small window, Negan looked down at you with love in his eyes.

Your hand found his and played with the makeshift pendant as well. “Daryl found it,” you whispered back. “It’s one of mine from the war,” you explained.

_“Where_ did he find it?” Negan asked, furrowing his brow as his fingers caressed the brass beveling.

“The Sanctuary,” you said, letting your eyes close as his hand moved from your necklace to your neck. “I guess I made my mark there more than I thought.”

“You definitely made an impression,” Negan said as he leaned down and pressed his lips against your pulse point, letting his teeth graze against the sensitive skin of your neck, but you had caught a double-meaning in his words.

“What do you mean?” you asked, pushing him back.

“What?” Negan asked, looking at you with heavy eyes.

“Why did you say that like you knew me before all of... _this?”_ you asked. “Did I miss our introduction or something?” Negan was silent for a moment before he nodded.

“I... I knew who you were the whole time my people were fighting yours,” he admitted. “I noticed you that first night in the clearin’. You were so... _resilient_ even though you were out of it for most of it. I could tell by the way you responded to everything that you weren’t someone to fuck with. Then, I began to notice you later when I would visit Alexandria and then Jadis mentioned something.”

_“Jadis?”_ you asked, confused.

“She knew you, right?”

“Briefly,” you said. You had been with Rick when the group had met the eccentric and odd woman. You didn’t think you had left that much of an impression on her. “I didn’t know her _that_ well.”

“Well, she knew you,” Negan confirmed. “When she grabbed me after Rick tried to take me out, she told me that you were going to be the one to kill me if she didn’t do it. Not Rick, you.”

“I don’t understand,” you said.

“Jadis saw something in you, I guess,” he said, his hand reaching down to rub at your hip.

“She saw a killer.”

“I don’t know, but it didn’t matter because I had already had you in my sights. When you first came to see me in this cell, I pretended like I didn’t know who you were, but the truth is, I’ve always known.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Call me old fashioned, but I wanted to get to know you the regular way. You seemed to want to talk to me like I was just another man and not the killer you met all those years ago,” he said. “I didn’t want you to think I was judging you for what you had done in the past.”

“You wanted to know me and not the sniper,” you realized.

“Is that so terrible?” he asked. Looking up at him, you began to think about everything that had happened since you had begun to speak to him. Even further back, you looked at the war and how he had been before his time spent in isolation. There was a part of you that didn’t understand what it all meant, but there was a small bit that did. Perhaps he didn’t change that much, but instead, the man who lay in bed with you had always been there underneath the mask he wore.

It only took someone to love him to peel that layer away.

“No,” you answered, “it’s not terrible at all.” Negan gave you a soft smile and then you were pulling him down to you, kissing him firmly as he maneuvered himself to wrap your leg around his waist and together you fell into pure bliss.

* * *

It was early the next day when you ran into Michonne who was saddling up with Judith at her side. 

“What’s this?” you asked, reaching down to rest your hands on Judith’s shoulder. The young girl looked up at you with a toothy grin that you returned. 

“A tree went down in Hilltop,” Michonne explained. “Ezekiel called me this morning. The wall is down and Walkers are moving in fast.”

“Is anyone hurt?” you asked, your concern growing. 

“A few, but nothing too major,” Michonne said. “The biggest problem is that Alpha’s herd is attacking now that they’re vulnerable and they need help. I’m taking some fighters with me to help, Judith too.”

“What do you need me to do?” you asked.

“Keep an eye on things here,” said Michonne. “Alpha’s Walkers are still showing up and tensions are very heavy right now with Lydia. I’m worried something may happen if people don’t keep calm.”

“I got it, don’t worry,” you said. Michonne then reached out and grabbed your shoulder. 

“I know you do,” she said. “I hope you know that I will always trust your judgment, no matter what.” You paused at that and realized that you had actually needed to hear it. Especially from Michonne. 

“Thanks, Michonne,” you said. “Tell Enid and the others I said hello, okay?”

“I will,” Michonne said and then you kneeled down to see Judith.

“Take care of your mom, okay? Don’t let her work herself too hard, okay little miss?” Judith smiled at you and offered you her pinky. You hooked it with your own and then pulled her in for a hug, squeezing her tight. 

“I’ll take care of her if you take care of _him_ ,” Judith whispered in your ear. You pulled back and gave her a wink. She took that as a yes and then you lifted her up into the makeshift carriage. 

“I told Daryl that we’ll be available through the radio at Barrington,” Michonne said. 

“I’ll keep an ear out,” you promised and then you waved as Michonne led the caravan out, heading off to help your friends in need.

With a sigh, you went in search of Daryl who you knew was either sulking in his room or playing with Dog. Spotting RJ running after the canine, you jogged over to join in on the fun and hopefully get some relief from all the thoughts in your head. 

* * *

Lydia was alone when Negan found her. 

On laundry duty for the day, he slipped through the many clotheslines and discovered the teenager who was digging in the dirt. “Hey, you,” he said, smiling down at her. 

Lydia looked up at him with a small smile of her own, one that was always either reserved for him, you, or Daryl. “Hi,” she said. 

“Why are you hiding out here?” Negan asked, sitting into his hip. 

“Who says I’m hiding?” she challenged. 

“Me,” he said, kneeling down to her. “What’s going on?”

“Gage and his friends are still being…”

“Assholes?” Negan offered and she nodded. “Shit, kiddo, you can’t let them get to you.”

“Easier said than done,” Lydia said with a sigh. 

“You need to tell (Y/N), they’ll shut that down,” he said, but Lydia was shaking her head. “This whole not wanting to cause trouble shit gotta stop, Lydia. (Y/N) doesn’t like disorder and they sure as shit don’t like it when someone they care about is being treated like this.” 

“I don’t want to start anything,” she said. 

“It’s already started. It started the day these people met the skins,” Negan said and then took a pause before continuing. “You might not know this, but there are plenty of people around here that have been on the ‘wrong side’,” he explained. 

“Like who?” 

“Well, for one, me, as you well know,” he said. “Then there was Tara, the woman who used to run Hilltop. She wasn’t always on the winning side and yet these people loved her so much. Then there are people like Laura who once worked for me or even Gabriel who I believe turned on Alexandria for a short bit before joining in on the campfire sing-a-long.” Lydia looked at him in confusion at that last one. “Point is, kid, is that these people are some of the most frustratingly forgiving fuckers I have ever met.”

“They haven’t forgiven you,” Lydia said. 

“Well, I’m special,” he said with a wink that caused Lydia to laugh. “Seriously, though, you should tell them.”

“Tell ‘em what?” Daryl’s voice came from behind Negan. You were just behind him, trying to keep up. Once Daryl saw Negan approaching Lydia, there wasn’t much you could do to stop him. 

“Daryl,” you warned, trying to get in between him and Negan. 

“Lydia’s let’s go,” Daryl snapped and Negan sighed, knowing where this was going. 

“I’m good,” Lydia argued. 

“Now,” Daryl snapped and with a sigh, she got to her feet and stormed away. You tried to stop her with a hand on her arm, but she shrugged you off. You then glared at Daryl who didn’t back down from you. 

“She is just trying to fit it,” Negan interjected and you began shaking your head behind Daryl’s back that clearly said don’t antagonize him. 

“Well, she ain’t gonna do that if she hangs out with you, is she?” Daryl said.

“Daryl, stop it,” you said, pushing him back. 

“Nah, (Y/N),” he said. “I don’t care what’s goin’ on here,” he said gesturing between the two of you, “but I don’t need people associatin’ her with _him_.”

“That’s not up to you,” you said sternly, keeping yourself between Negan and Daryl. “Lydia lives with _me_ , she’s bonded with Negan. Whether you like it or not, that interaction is gonna happen.” Daryl went to say something else before he huffed and walked away, not giving Negan a second glance. 

“(Y/N)…” Negan began. 

“Don’t,” you said, keeping your back to him. 

“Daryl is too important to you. Don’t piss him off,” Negan said. You finally turned to face him and crossed your arms. 

“Daryl and I have been at worse crossroads. Besides, he’s more pissed at Carol right now than you or me. I’ll talk to him,” you promised. 

“Just…” Negan trailed off, reaching for you and you let him take your face in his hands. “Don’t push him away. There’s too much history.”

“I won’t,” you promised and he nodded before kissing you quickly. You ran your hand through his hair before following after Daryl and Lydia, eager to diffuse the tension. “Daryl, listen to me,” you said as you caught up to them. Lydia was fuming at him.

“We were just talking,” Lydia was saying as she stalked away from him.

“He ain't your friend,” Daryl argued. 

“He gets me, okay? Besides _they’re_ always together!” Lydia said gesturing to you. You went to argue, but couldn’t find the words.

“Just stay away from him, alright?” Daryl said. When Lydia went to retort, she froze looking over both of your shoulders. “What?” he asked and then turned just as you did.

Rage immediately entered your chest. Painted on the door of Michonne’s house were the words, _“Silence the Whisperers”_. You had no doubt that a similar message would be waiting for you at home as well. 

* * *

Lydia wasn’t speaking to you or Daryl as the day wore on. 

You kept an eye on her wherever she was, as did Laura and Gabriel when they had her in their sights. You were trying to give the girl space, but you were at a crossroads with her just as you were with Daryl. There was too much tension across the communities. You hadn’t heard from Oceanside in a while, but Hilltop was in trouble. Michonne knew how to handle it, but you had that itch to ride out as well. 

However, you knew that leaving now would only give Lydia’s bullies an opportunity to gang up on her further. This was starting to feel as if you were back in the early days of Alexandria when nobody trusted anyone. It was as if you were walking on eggshells, just waiting for the cracks to come. 

It was nighttime by the time you dragged yourself home. You had been trying to help Siddiq with Coco while Rosita slept. Dante took over the infirmary for the night so the new father had some time off and you were more than willing to help out with the little one. Besides, it did keep your mind busy.

Walking into your house, you pulled your sword off your hip. “Lydia?” you called, running a hand through your hair. When there was no answer, you paused in the living room. “Lydia!” you called again, but your house remained silent. _“Shit,”_ you swore. 

Grabbing your gear, you headed back out into the night, in search of the teen. Nobody was out at this time of night, everyone preferring to stay in the warmth of their homes. Jogging towards Michonne’s house where you knew Daryl was living, the entire building was silent. That is, except for Carol who sat on the stoop, staring into the night. 

For the first time in a long time, you couldn’t get a read on the woman. You had been with her since the beginning, watching as she grew from fragile and timid to brave and daunting. Carol was everything that you had wanted to be, especially since she still held onto that caring nature that had made you love her immediately.

However, now you were seeing the other side of Carol that was never all that comforting. When she needed it, the lone wolf side of her came out and it always started with simmering anger. You couldn’t imagine what she was feeling after what Alpha had done to her child, but there was a predatory look in the woman’s eyes that sent chills down your spine. You began to wonder if Alpha had seen it yet and if she had, was she scared?

Carol didn’t even seem to notice you as you passed her and headed towards the cell. However, that door was open as well. Negan must have been just finishing up his work for the day, you figured. You didn’t know what time it was, but all this silence was making you worried. 

Just as you were about to head down another street, you noticed Daryl coming out of the house, a frown on his face. “What’s wrong?” he asked as he noticed your stressed expression.

“Is she with you?” you asked as he approached. 

“Hmm?” 

_“Lydia?_ She wasn’t at home, is she with you?”

“I thought she was with you,” he said with narrowed eyes. You were about to speak when a shout of alarm caught your attention. You and Daryl looked at each other before you took off in the direction of the commotion.

Shouts of pain and the sound of crying came from the laundry area. When you arrived, you were struck by what you saw. Lydia was on the ground and her arms and legs were wrapped around Negan who kneeled over her protectively. 

“Negan killed her!” a voice rang out and you turned to where everyone was looking and that's when you saw the body. A woman, someone you recognized as one of Ozzy’s people. She was a part of the highwaymen and now her blood was staining the ground. 

_“What happened?”_ you whispered as you faced Negan, but he wasn’t moving from Lydia’s side as his eyes bore into yours. 

“He didn’t do anything! No, it wasn't... He didn't do anything!” Lydia cried from the ground, choking on her sobs. 

“Get him out of here!” Daryl yelled and when you tried to stop him, he pushed you back, grabbing you by your arm. “I’m _trying_ to diffuse the tension.” ****Guards rushed at Negan to pull him off of Lydia, but she was resisting, clinging to Negan’s boots.

Eventually, Negan managed to untangle her from his legs and walked willingly from the scene. You were frozen as Daryl took Negan’s spot, trying to soothe her. “He didn’t do anything,” she cried. 

“I know, I know,” Daryl whispered to her as he stroked her hair. Lydia’s eyes found yours and you wanted to go to her, but there were too many thoughts going on your head. For months you had been saying that you would choose others over Negan, but now? Now you weren’t sure what the hell you were going to do. “(Y/N),” Daryl said, getting your attention, “get her to Siddiq.” 

Nodding, you knelt down and helped Lydia to her feet. She leaned heavily on you as you began to take her towards the infirmary. Behind you, you could hear Daryl’s deep voice barking out orders for the others to disperse, and then you watched as Gabriel began walking towards the meeting hall. It was time for the council to convene. 

* * *

“Hold that right there,” Siddiq said as he pressed a towel to Lydia’s face. “Easy, now,” he soothed. 

You stood next to her, waiting for Daryl to arrive. Lydia looked so small as she curled in on herself on the exam table. With her hair stuck to her neck with sweat and dirt brushed on her clothes, she looked as she did when you had first met her. That image of a frightened girl was burned in your mind as Michonne leveled her sword at her head. Now, that look on Lydia’s face had returned. 

“Are you okay?” Siddiq asked you as he wrung out another towel. You nodded, not trusting your voice right now. Feeling a tear roll down your cheek, you flicked it away before Lydia could notice. The last thing she needed was you breaking down as well. 

Siddiq went to say something else when Daryl entered the room, his eyes finding Lydia immediately. 

“Hey,” he said softly, nodding to Siddiq who left the three of you alone. You and Daryl took a spot on either side of the teen, trying to get her to look at either of you. “I’m sorry this happened to you,” Daryl tried, but she was still quiet. “Lydia?”

“He was so sweaty,” Lydia whispered. “Never liked deodorant. Said it... it made his armpits itchy. So, I got used to it. Sometimes he smelled like garlic and onions.” Daryl looked at you in concern, but you just lightly shrugged. “I miss him,” she finished. 

“Who?” you asked. 

“My dad,” Lydia said as her voice cracked. “My dad would have protected me.” Your heart felt heavy at that statement and you couldn’t handle seeing her in pain.

“Tell me what happened,” Daryl said. Lydia finally looked up at him and with steel resolve, told the truth. 

“Negan saved my life. I would be dead without him,” she said and then reached out and grabbed your hand, her grip like a vice. Lydia looked at you with tears rimming her eyes. “I’m sorry I went out without telling you,” she said, but you were already shaking your head. 

“It’s not your fault, Lydia,” you told her, and then she was leaning into your arms, reaching for Daryl as she did so. You and Daryl held onto her as you both tried to wrap your head around what the hell you were going to do. 

* * *

“Yer stayin’ outside,” Daryl said as you began walking towards the cell. 

“Daryl, come on,” you said in a hastened whisper, but he wasn’t up for negotiating. He stopped just before the cell and raised a finger to you. 

“Outside,” he whispered so the current inmate couldn’t hear him. “Ya can listen all ya want, but I gotta hear his side without you there. Alright?” You knew he was right.

“Fine,” you responded and then Daryl was jogging down the steps and into the jail. You sat just outside, close enough to hear both of them. You were just hoping that Daryl was going to be able to keep his head. 

“How’s the kid?” Negan asked as Daryl approached the bars. 

“She’s banged up, but she’s gonna be alright. You know, the people out there are talkin' about puttin' you down, sayin' Rick ain't around to save you no more, maybe they should have done it a long time ago,” Daryl said and you had to fight to stay in your spot. 

“If you came here looking for a confession... just keep walking,” Negan said and you could hear him sit up on the cot as the springs groaned. “It was an accident. And for the record, _screw_ her. She was a goddamn asshole beating on a kid. World's better off. But you already know that, don't you?” he said and then sighed. 

“You came down here to look me in the eye because you don't know what to do with me,” Negan continued. “Shit, all that time you spent fantasizing about my death, all that time you _actually_ tried to kill me, and now look at you. You're not so sure.” 

“Shut up,” you whispered under your breath. Antagonizing Daryl right now was not a smart play. Daryl, however, wasn’t in the mood to be screwed with. 

“You listen to me real close. You and I ain't never been in a room before, not toe to toe. And there ain't nobody to save you right now,” Daryl threatened and Negan was silent for a moment before answering. 

_“Isn’t there?”_ Negan challenged. “Because from where I’m standing, Daryl. I don’t think your bestie would be too happy if I got the noose.”

“Don’t,” Daryl said. 

“Don’t what? Tell the truth? Cause if I’m being damn honest and we both sure as shit know that I always am, (Y/N) seems to be the only thing keeping you from usin’ that fancy bow of yours on me. Isn’t that right?”

“I ain’t here to talk about them,” Daryl said. 

“Good cause they got nothin’ to do with what happened tonight,” Negan said. “Hell, the only person that mattered was that scared girl.”

“Why help her? Why help Lydia? You ain’t no hero.”

"No, I'm not. I'm a _sucker_. See, I started believing in your way of life, your moral code. Hell, you even gave me a little taste of freedom, just so you could _yank_ it away when I actually did the right thing. You gotta admit, that is pretty messed up. And we both know I appreciate some messed-up shit. So, now it’s up to you, what are you gonna do about it, Daryl?”

“You’re gonna get a chance to tell your side,” Daryl said as he walked from the room. 

“Who’s the sucker now,” Negan said as he lay back down on the cot. Daryl locked up behind him and then he was pulling you up by your arm and dragging you away from the cell. 

“Daryl,” you said, pulling away from him. He didn’t stop until he was far enough away from the cell. 

“What’s his angle?” Daryl asked. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” you asked, your brows raised. “He saves a goddamn kid and you think there’s an _angle?”_

“With him, there always is,” Daryl argued. 

“Maybe with the old Negan, but what does he have to gain by doing it now?”

“You!” Daryl shot back. 

“I’m already his, he has nothing to prove to me! Why don’t you get that?”

“I’m trying!” Daryl shouted back. You stopped and looked at him, _really looked,_ and what you saw made you take a step back. 

“You were never okay with any of this,” you realized. “All that bullshit in the barn was just that.”

“I just need time,” Daryl said. “You can’t expect me to be all goddamn accepting of you and _him.”_

“I never asked you to be accepting! As you said then, I’m a grown-ass adult, I don’t need my family’s permission. You told me to not keep any more fucking secrets from you and I haven’t. What else do you want me to do?” you were fuming as you yelled at him. Daryl just shook his head.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I don’t know.” Scoffing, you turned to head towards the meeting hall. 

“Well, let me know when you figure it out.”

* * *

Nobody told you to leave as you sat in on the council meeting. 

Regardless of your relationship with Negan, with Michonne away, you were now in charge of security and this _did_ concern you. Gabriel was talking with Gage and Alfred as you leaned against the wall by the fire, trying to get a read on them. 

“Lydia lured you there?” Gabriel asked.

“Yeah,” Gage said, nodding his head vigorously. “You saw what she did with the squirrel. She's psycho.” Confused, you glanced at Aaron who leaned back to whisper to you. 

“Lydia brought a squirrel to lunch and ate it raw next to them,” Aaron whispered to you and you sighed deeply. 

“Of course she did,” you swore, returning to your position. 

“And Negan was with her,” Alfred added quickly. The problem was, you didn’t know if that part was a lie. You had no idea where Negan was before you found him protecting Lydia.

“If you thought Lydia was crazy, why'd you agree to meet her back there in the dark?” Gabriel inquired. Alfred stuttered, but Gage was ready with an answer. As always.

“Hey, we're the ones who were attacked here!” Gage shouted. 

“But she's the one laying in the infirmary,”

“And our friend is in a grave.” You had heard enough and it seemed that Gabriel had as well. He dismissed them with a wave of his hand and they left quickly. As Gage left, he locked eyes with you and you stared him down. He practically sprinted after Alfred at your look. 

Once it was just the leaders again, Aaron began. “I get why people might think Negan's been redeemed. I've... I've wondered it myself,” he said. “He saved my life when I was blinded. Whether that was for personal gain or not, he still did it.” Aaron then looked at you before continuing. “I’ve also seen... and heard things that have led me to believe he actually feels remorse for what he’s done.”

“We’re not here to look at his moral compass, Aaron,” Gabriel reminded him.

“Maybe we need to,” he argued. “However, with everything that he’s done, maybe something _is_ broken in him.” You slumped into a seat across from the main table, rubbing at your temples.

“Yes, but killing him now over this undermines the civilization that we have built,” Siddiq added.

“This civilization was _formed_ on blood, Siddiq,” Laura reminded him. 

“That doesn’t mean it has to stay that way,” the doctor countered. “I know how we all feel about him and I do mean _all_ of us,” Siddiq said, looking at you, “but that doesn’t mean we become executioners.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” you added and Aaron knew you were talking about Gregory. 

“That was different,” Gabriel said, knowing where your head was at as well. 

“Not really,” you said. 

“Look, the council wasn't made for this, deciding on a man's life in the dead of night because people are carrying pitchforks and torches,” Gabriel said, rubbing at his brow. 

Suddenly, Daryl came into the room. He glanced at you quickly before turning his attention on the council. 

"If you can't make a decision, the people out there are gonna make one for you,” he said and everyone knew he was right.

“What'd Michonne say?” Gabriel asked.

“She wants me to be her vote. Lydia said Negan saved her, so he saved her. I'm a ‘no’,” Daryl said and you weren’t even surprised that she relegated her vote to Daryl. You weren’t getting a vote this time when it came to Negan’s fate. 

“So we're tied,” Aaron said. “Gabriel, where do you stand?” 

Everyone looked to the Father who just stood from his seat. “I'm gonna take the night to clear my head and consider my vote,” Gabriel said, grabbing his hat. “I suggest you all do the same.”

As you got up to leave, Daryl got in your path. 

“Move,” you said, not wanting to do this right now. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, making you pause. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” you agreed. “I am not going to apologize for loving him, Daryl.”

“I know,” he said with a sigh. “I guess I hadn’t realized you were actually that serious about him.”

“I am,” you said, crossing your arms, “and I don’t have to justify my feelings to you or anyone.” Daryl nodded, dropping his head. You weren’t in the mood to play best friend right now. He didn’t need to be comforted after he had yelled at you in the street. 

“Are we gonna be okay?” he asked, looking up at you through his hair. 

“I’ll get over it,” you said. 

“That’s not what I meant,” he said. 

“I know,” you said and then changed the subject. “What did Michonne actually say?” Daryl sighed as he leaned against the main table. 

“She thinks that Alpha won’t attack if we have Lydia with us,” he said. “She wants us to make sure that Lydia stays.”

“Great, more pressure to put on her,” you said. 

“I don’t think that’s what Michonne meant,” Daryl said. 

“Doesn’t matter. She’s been through enough already. We can’t put that on her now. Especially not after tonight.”

“I know,” he said. You were quiet for a moment before nodding and turning to leave. “(Y/N),” he said, stopping you, “you can’t go and see him.”

“Daryl...”

“This isn’t about what I think about him. When Gabe talks to him, he can’t have your opinions goin’ on inside his head. Just... just give ‘em the night.” You paused in the doorway and then turned back. 

“Fine, but I’m not going far.” 

* * *

You had ended up sleeping at the Grimes house with Lydia by your side. She didn’t want to be too far from you or Daryl and so a compromise was made.

Waking up in the morning, the sun was streaming in through the windows of the house, illuminating the sleeping teen on the couch next to you. You hadn’t slept that well, worried about what Gabriel was going to decide. 

While he and Negan had formed some sort of bond, Gabriel was always thinking about the bigger picture. You were only hoping that he was including Negan in all of that. 

Just as you were about to wake Lydia, a loud banging echoed throughout the house. Lydia was startled awake as Daryl came walking into the room half-asleep. 

Getting up, you joined him at the front door. _“What?”_ Daryl growled as he pulled open the door to see a very distraught Gabriel. 

“He’s gone,” Gabriel said trying to catch his breath. Gabriel then spotted you behind Daryl and he just shook his head. “Negan’s gone.”

“(Y/N),” Daryl said, looking back at you, but his words weren’t resonating. Nothing was. “(Y/N)!” Finally looking at him, you just began shaking your head. 

“No,” you gasped. “He’s not, he wouldn’t...”

“The keys were stolen,” Gabriel said. “Someone let him out and based on the look on your face, it wasn’t you.”

“Of course it wasn’t,” Daryl said as he moved forward to grab you by the shoulders. “Look at me,” he said. 

“I... I can’t,” you said and then he was pulling you into his arms, trying to keep you on your feet. _“Not again.”_


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The communities are on alert as Negan goes missing and Alpha remains quiet. As the reader is dealing with the love of their life disappearing again, Negan finds company on the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing, Graphic Depiction of Violence
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Wicked Game” by James Vincent McMorrow
> 
> Note: We begin with the reader’s POV, but we focus on Negan for the rest of it. Reminder, I will be changing things from canon with the rest of these chapters. all official dialog is property of AMC.

_One Week Earlier…_

_“You know, I once knew a woman who could swallow a sword,” you said, examining your own blade in the low light of the cell. “I think in another life, I could do it.”_

_“Let’s not try tonight, okay?” Negan said, lowering the blade with his fingertips as he sipped from the clear jar you had brought him._

_There was too much drama going on at the moment with Alpha, her Walkers, and of course, just trying to stay sane in all of it. Nevertheless, you still found time to indulge in the man that you loved._

_Showing up at his cell once it became dark was a normal thing, but the jar of moonshine that you had brought along with you was a change. A very welcomed one at that. You and Negan now sat on the floor of the cell, your backs against the cot, basking in the alcohol as it warmed your veins._

_“I still think this shit is highly dangerous,” Negan said, passing you the jar back._

_“It’s flammable too,” you said with a small laugh as you leaned against him. “Learned that the hard way.”_

_“Do tell,” he urged and you sunk further into him, getting comfortable. Negan slung an arm around you, keeping you close._

_“Eugene used to keep it outside of Alexandria in an old electrical box thing,” you explained, trying not to slur your words. “One day, he asked me if I would help him move some of it to Hilltop. I think Jesus or Alden wanted some. Anyways, us being morons, went out in a thunderstorm.”_

_“Which of course was not your favourite plan,” Negan said._

_“Right,” you agreed. “So, we were on our way to the place that he was holding it in when Eugene suddenly realized he had forgotten to take the big metal antenna off the top of the box.”_

_“Oh no,” Negan said, running his hand over the back of your neck as he listened._

_“We were about fifteen or so feet from the thing when lightning strikes and the spark lights the booze causing a massive fire. The worst part was that Eugene was also storing some leftover fuel at this place for Daryl’s bike and well…” you trailed off, making explosion movements with your hands. “I smelled like burning metal for three days.” Negan started laughing at that and you looked up at him, trying to see his face. You always loved it when he laughed._

_Reaching up, you ran your hand over his face and he turned towards you. “You are just…” you trailed off._

_“I’m what?” he asked, raising an eyebrow as he gazed down at you._

_“Unpredictable,” you whispered. “You surprise and amaze me every damn day.”_

_“That’s good though, right?” he asked, tilting his head._

_“It’s very good,” you said. “I’m not cut out to deal with the mundane.”_

_“Good cause you are anything but ordinary,” he said softly. The moonshine in your system was forgotten as those hazel eyes bore into yours. He was like the sun and you were trapped in his gravity._

_“You know that I’m always going to be here for you, right?” you asked._

_“I know,” he whispered._

_“I just need you to understand that I trust you with my life and more,” you said, sitting up more. “I know that things are going to get messy with the Whisperers, but I think we’re gonna get through it. Especially if we stick together. I think we can win this war.” Negan wrapped his hands around your waist, pulling you into his lap. Bracing your hands on his shoulders, you ran your fingers through his hair._

_“I know, (Y/N),” he said. Tightening his grip, Negan made sure to be looking you in the eyes, something he always did when he was completely earnest. “I don’t know what I would do without you. For a while, I thought that there wasn’t a future for me besides these four walls, but you changed that. I love you so much and I know that you are right. We will win this war, no matter what it takes.”_

_Smiling down at him, you leaned in to kiss him softly. “I love you, too,” you whispered against his lips as he pressed you harder against him. You laughed as he grabbed the bottom of your shirt and pulled it over your head before kissing you again._

_The moonshine on his lips was sweet but full of fire which was a perfect metaphor for the strong man that you gave your entire body and soul to…_

A loud crash came from your right as a pile of lumber fell over near the windmill, taking you out of your memories. 

“Ya good?” Daryl said from beside you as he added fletching to his bolts. 

“Fine,” you said, running a hand down your face, trying to break out of the trance you had been in. 

It had been a day since Negan had gotten out, or was let out, and you didn’t know how to even begin to understand what was going on inside his head, let alone yours. 

The last time Negan had left, you had been angry, but now you were just confused. Something didn’t feel right about any of it. Negan wasn’t a saint, everyone knew that, but he wasn’t stupid and he _wasn’t_ heartless. Multiple scenarios went through your mind after Gabriel told you what happened. 

Lydia had tried to take the blame, but you had barely slept that night and would have woken if she had snuck out at some point. Then there was the fact that you didn’t hear _anyone_ below the Grimes house all night. So, if someone _had_ let him out, it was definitely a planned maneuver. 

Negan getting out _was_ something that you wanted to happen, but you wanted it to happen on _your_ terms. You and Negan would have had to make the decision together. The two of you had even talked about running and staying gone for a while so tensions could calm down. You’d go North, see what was in New York or Philly. You always thought that you would come back a year or so later and things would be different.

It was reckless and an idea that you didn’t think you’d ever actually do, but it was still in your mind. Negan had cautioned you against thinking such things. You figured he was afraid that you were going to alienate your family for him. What he didn’t understand was that he _was_ your family and if he could be free, it would be worth it. 

At least, that’s what you told yourself. 

Now, you weren’t so sure what all those words he said to you meant. Did he even want to get out with you or was he using you? No, Negan would never use you. He had promised that you were different from all the relationships he had had in the past and the man never lied. 

And yet, maybe he had been lying the whole time. 

Your brain felt as if it was on one of those rickety carnival rides from your childhood as it invented theory after theory, trying to soothe curiosities. It was disorientating and it was also making it difficult to focus.

Leaning your hands on the table before you, you picked up one of Daryl’s bolts, turning it over in your hands as you wondered what it would feel like to put one of them between Beta’s eyes. 

“(Y/N),” Daryl said again and you dropped the projectile. 

“Sorry,” you said, rolling out your neck. 

“Ya need rest,” he said, trying to offer some comfort, but you didn’t want it or need it. Daryl was also not the cuddly kind of person at the moment. 

“I need to find him, I need to find Beta,” you said. Daryl narrowed his eyes, confused. 

“I’m not sure that’s a great idea,” he said, remembering his own fight with Alpha’s second in command. 

“I think it is,” you said with defiance. “Beta threatened me; he put his _hands_ on me and I am not going to let him breathe any longer than he has to.”

“He threatened _all_ of us,” Daryl said, but you shook your head. 

“This was...different. The way he looked at me that night, it was as if he was challenging me to try something. He reminded me of the Governor. Beta has that twistedness inside of him, I could practically smell it.”

“He threw me around like I was nothing,” Daryl reminded you.

“Well, I’m not you, am I?” you said, facing him. “Beta dies by my hand even if I have to build my own damn rifle and take the shot.” 

“Revenge doesn’t look good on you,” he said. 

“It’s not revenge, it’s inevitably,” you clarified. Daryl sighed, but he could tell that you set in your ways about this. 

“I’m sorry I was right about Negan,” Daryl said after a moment. 

“You weren’t,” you disagreed. 

“Come on…” he said with a knowing look. 

“You don’t know him, Daryl, I do, and I know that he had a reason. He wouldn’t have left me if he didn’t.”

“You don’t know that,” he challenged. 

_“I do,”_ you said. “I know him more than I know myself. I don’t know why he’s gone, but I don’t think he just left to get away from Alexandria. With Negan, there’s always a fucking reason. That’s what makes him… him.”

“Don’t hold onto hope, (Y/N),” Daryl said. Looking at him, you shrugged.

“Right now, that’s all I got.”

* * *

The outside felt different this time for Negan. 

The last time he had gotten out of his cell, it was on a whim. Now, he had a direction and a purpose and he was going to damn well fulfill it this time. If he didn’t, you were definitely going to hate him forever.

Leaving you had been the hardest thing he’s done since he’s been locked up. However, when Carol stepped out of the darkness with her offer, he saw something that he had only seen in you. 

Possibility. 

Killing Alpha ensured the survival of Alexandria, Hilltop, and Oceanside and while all of those people couldn’t care less about Negan, there were a few that did and that made a difference. You, Judith, Lydia, and all the kids would be safe. Carol would have revenge for her son’s murder too. While Negan knew he wasn’t going to be winning any popularity contests with these people, he owed them, whether they cared or not. 

However, while he was doing it for them, he was also doing it for himself. He needed to know if he was worthy of being the hero, rather than just the sucker. 

It wasn’t just you that Negan was thinking about though, he was also thinking about Lucille. His late wife was the only other person who knew him as well as you did. Lucille saw the man that he could have become but never did due to his own faults. Negan had been a horrible husband to her, but he was willing to do better this time. 

In no way were you a do-over, but he did see the relationship that he had with you as a chance to finally be the man Lucille knew he could be. He just hoped that you would not end up hating him as Lucille did. He didn’t think he’d be able to handle losing you, not after everything he had done and lost to find you. 

Still, there was still that fear in his gut that he would not succeed on this mission. Alpha could take one look at him and take his head as she had with the others months before. That thought scared him, but he didn’t fear death, he feared leaving you behind without an explanation. Negan was ready if it came down to it and as much as he knew it would pain you, he needed to take the risks. 

“ _‘To die will be an awfully big adventure’_ ,” Negan quoted as he turned his face to the sun. You had found an old battered copy of Peter Pan not that long ago. You had spent nights in his cell reading him passages from the classic and now Barrie’s words were ringing true. With a sigh, Negan continued on through the woods, trying to formulate his plan. 

Just as he turned down a small hill, however, a voice stopped him.

“Gotcha!” a male voice said and Negan froze, swearing under his breath. Raising his hands, he was ready to take the person down and run if he had to. “Don't try anything,” the man said before he began to laugh. Confused, Negan turned and who he saw made him drop his hands. 

“You gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me,” Negan muttered, _“Brandon?”_

The young guard from Alexandria, who was carrying a backpack, smiled at Negan. “The look on your face! Dude, seriously, I'm just _messin'_ with you!” he said.

“What are you doin’?” Negan asked, but Brandon was still talking. 

“You're fast. Took me forever to catch up,” Brandon said. “So, prison break part two, huh?” Negan rolled his eyes and turned away from the kid, continuing on his way, but of course, Brandon followed.

* * *

“My dad, he used to tell me how, like, you and the Saviors would, like, whistle back and forth before,” Brandon said as he kept pace with Negan who was trying very hard not to slap him silly.

“That was a long time ago,” Negan said with a huff. 

“I mean, not that long ago though, right?” Brandon tried as Negan didn’t bother with an answer.

“You, uh you say you had some granola or some shit?” Negan asked. Brandon quickly began rustling through his bag, eager to please. 

“Sorry about the raisins and the busted knife. Was kinda in a rush when I packed it all,” Brandon said as he handed Negan some food and the weapon he had brought from Alexandria. 

“It’s fine,” Negan said, waving him off. 

“So, you're really not gonna tell me how you got outta that cell?” Brandon asked, but Negan stayed quiet, not giving the kid an inch. _You_ really didn’t like Brandon and Negan was starting to see why. Sure, he was annoying, but Negan already knew that. Now he was starting to see him as who he really was, a leech. 

“Alright,” Brandon continued, “well, at least tell me what we're lookin' for.”

“Someplace safe,” Negan said. Carol had given him freedom, but the plan was completely up to him. Considering how his day went after the first time he got out, he was getting a bit nervous. 

“I get it. A new Sanctuary,” said Brandon. “Damn, how badass was that place? And then, Rick Grimes comes along, talk about hypocrisy, kills our parents, drags us to Alexandria, lectures us about community.”

“Grimes was a good man,” Negan commented, not allowing the kid to tarnish Rick’s name. No matter what they thought of each other, Rick deserved respect. 

“I guess,’ Brandon shrugged. “Man, I heard you made him cut his own kid's hand off, then you killed them,” he said and Negan froze. “You know, Carl Grimes, I heard you shot him.” 

Negan whirled on the kid, shoving him against a nearby tree. “I _never_ did that,” Negan sneered. “I don’t give a shit about what kind of fucked up rumors you’ve heard. Carl was... I would _never_ kill a kid.”

Brandon was staring up at Negan and the latter was glad to see a bit of fear in the kids eyes. People could hate on him all they wanted, but the Grimes family were good people, _are_ good people, and he respected them too much to listen to any slander. 

_Especially_ about Carl. 

“Yeah, no, definitely. I'm with you, obviously. We're both Negan,” Brandon said and Negan felt sick. They walked on once Negan let him go, but Brandon was still pushing. “Did you talk to (Y/N) before you left?”

“Excuse me?” Negan asked, looking over his shoulder at the kid. 

“I just mean, do they know why you left?”

“I’m not seeing how that’s any of your business, kid,” Negan snapped. Brandon fell quiet then, but soon spoke up when the two men came across an odd sight. 

“Who would do this?” Brandon asked as he looked down at the makeshift fence. Wrapped in barbed wire, wooden posts acted as a barrier and Negan immediately knew what it meant.

“Whisperers,” Negan said. 

“Damn. Should we cross? The enemy of my enemy is my friend?” Brandon offered. 

“No,” Negan said, but made a point to remember the location. “We’re not equipped to deal with them.”

“They’re just people.”

“People who can blend in with the Dead,” Negan pointed out. “I’m not sure we can consider them human at his point.”

“Right, like that Lydia chick,” Brandon snipped and before Negan could go off on him, Walkers converged on them. Brandon slid to the side as the Dead fell upon Negan. The weight of the Walkers nearly brought him down, but Negan was able to eventually overpower them.

Once the Dead were finally down, Negan turned to Brandon and he was pissed. “What the _hell!”_ he said. 

“Sorry, sorry, I was just getting your gift ready,” Brandon said as he showed Negan what was in his hand. Negan straightened up as he saw the baseball bat. A bat that was freshly wrapped in the wire of Alpha’s border. “I also got this,” Brandon said as he pulled out a leather jacket. “Found it in the back of an old storage garage. My dad said he never saw you without it.”

Suddenly, Negan got an idea. Before Rick locked him up, he was good at a lot, but the best thing was charming his way into places. However, that charm had disappeared after the many years locked away. Now, looking at the jacket and the new bat, Negan finally realized what he would need to do to get to Alpha. 

He would have to become the Negan everyone once feared. Although, not just yet. 

“Listen,” Negan said, “uh why don't you just put that in your backpack? I don't wanna be recognized.” 

“You like it, though, right?” Brandon asked, sounding like a damn groupie. 

“More than you know.”

* * *

Negan and Brandon kept moving. 

“Did anyone see you leave?” Negan asked, not wanting Aaron or Daryl to be tracking them. That was the last thing Negan needed. 

“Nah,” Brandon said, “but the bitch with the baby did see me come out of my house. Not sure she cares.”

“Her name is Rosita,” Negan corrected, surprising himself. Since the blizzard, he had been thinking about Miss Espinosa. Rosita had as much reason to hate Negan as Maggie did, but Negan began to think that perhaps the new mother was just as tired of being outwardly hostile as he was. 

“Right,” said Brandon. “Sorry man, I thought you didn’t like her.”

“No, _she_ doesn’t like _me_ , there’s a difference,” Negan said. 

“Is there?” 

“I only had problems with a few of those people. Rosita was not one of them.”

“I heard a story that she shot at you,” Brandon said and Negan snorted at the memory. 

“That she did,” Negan said. “Though, I did murder someone in front of her so I guess I deserved it.” 

“And now she’s with a priest. Weird.”

“Gabe is alright,” Negan said. In fact, besides you and Lydia, Gabriel was the closest thing he had to a friend. He had thought he was making headway with Aaron, but he could never get a proper read on that man. 

In fact, there was one person whom he actually did want to properly speak to and that was Ezekiel. There was something about the king that made him incredibly curious. However, after the death of his son, Negan didn’t even know what he would say to him.

You had always said that Ezekiel was a good man and a fair one. Negan began to wonder what the tiger-wrangler would have done with him if it had been up to him and not Rick. Those thoughts were interrupted when he and Brandon heard screaming. 

“Sounds like a girl,” Brandon said. 

“And a kid,” Negan said as he heard the second yell. Negan took off towards the sound, anxious to find the source. It didn’t take long for him to find it. An abandoned bus stood broken down in an old lot. Inside, he could hear screams of panic and the unmistakable groans of Walkers. 

Negan didn’t hesitate to run towards the bus, hauling himself up the steps of the old vehicle. In the back, a woman cowered before the Walker as a young boy hid with her. Negan headed straight down the aisle, grabbing the creature by its shoulders. The rotting jaw snapped at its new attacker, but Negan was stronger. Throwing it towards the open back door, Negan slammed it to the floor and used the accordion door to smash its brains to bits. 

The shouts of alarm were replaced by heavy breathing and then small sobs as the woman clutched at her child. “Thank you,” she cried, “thank you.” Negan, who was breathing heavily nodded to her, offering her a squeeze on the arm that she reached towards him. Amongst the gratitude, Brandon was celebrating Negan’s gory display. 

Once Negan was able to get the mother and her son calm and situated, he pulled Brandon aside. 

“So, what’s the plan here, boss?” Brandon asked. 

“What are you talking about?”

“Rob them? Take their shit and go, right?” Brandon offered. 

“It’s a mother and _child_ ,” Negan reminded him “Fuck kid, you really think that I’m going to hurt them?”

“I mean… that’s what you do,” Brandon said. 

“What I _do_ is none of your goddamn business,” Negan said, stepping into his face again. “You know what, this isn’t exactly workin’ out, is it? I think you need to get lost, find your own damn celebrity so you can lick their fucking boots. I’m done.”

“I can’t just go home, they’ll know I helped you!” Brandon said, stopping Negan before he could leave him behind. 

“Then don’t go home,” Negan said. “You’re free, kid, go wherever the fuck you want.” 

“I thought I was helping you,” he said. 

“No, you’re not. I got my own shit to do and I can’t play babysitter. Do us both a favor and get the hell out of here,” Negan said before turning his back on the teen. Brandon hesitated for a few moments before hiking his bag up on his shoulders and walking away. Negan didn’t relax until his form disappeared into the surrounding brush. 

After Brandon had gone, Negan went to speak with the mother, helping her get comfortable as her son was in view just outside the bus. “Ya alright?” he asked. 

“Better now,” she said.

“How long have you been out here? You got people?” 

“It was just Milo and me. We'd been walking for days, weeks, until the hissers ran through our camp, scattered everyone to the winds. After that, we went back to what it was before, what it always is in the end, Milo and me, moving from place to place, surviving,” she said. 

“I’ve been there,” Negan said. “The wandering is the worst part.”

“How did you stop? The wandering,” she clarified. 

“That is a long story, but I did end up in a place that’s not too far from here. You and your boy seem like good people and if I know them, which I do, then they will help you,” Negan said. 

“Why would they?” she asked. 

“Because,” Negan said, “they’re the kind of people that save people.”

* * *

Negan found Milo not that long after. 

“Hey,” he said, joining the kid. Milo looked at him with worry, but Negan offered his hands in a placating gesture. “Don't worry, kid. I don't bite. Your mom, she's inside, packin', so we got a little bit of time to kill,” Negan said. 

“Where'd Brandon go?” Milo asked, looking around. 

“Brandon, he went looking for supplies,” Negan said and then sighed, not liking the taste of lies on his tongue. “You know what? I'm gonna be real with you. Uh, I told Brandon to get lost. You see, uh, it turns out, not the best co-pilot, if you catch my drift.” Milo looked at him in confusion. “You don't catch my drift at all, do ya?”

“Not really,” Milo admitted. 

“You've never been on a plane, huh?” Negan asked and Milo shook his head again. “Aw, man, it's alright. It's not your fault that God turned this world into an asspit before you were born. Alright. Picture this, alright? Sitting on a plane, really nice, comfy seats, but it feels like you've been sitting on the runway for Goddamn ever. Suddenly, there's this kinda rumbling, a groan, alright? The plane finally starts to creep along, right, and now we're moving faster and faster. And you look out that window, and everything's turning into a blur. And then, _Whew._ Wheels come up off the ground. You are _flying_ ,” he said with a smile. 

“Like birds?” Milo asked. 

“Hell yeah like birds,” Negan said. “Up and up and up, higher and higher, until it feels like you are floating on top of the frickin' world. And you're looking out that little window, and you can see houses. They look like little toy houses and little toy cars.”

“Sounds scary,” Milo said. 

“No scarier than the hissers,” Negan said, using the nickname Milo’s mom had used. “I hope you’ll be able to experience it someday.” 

“Me too,” Milo said. Negan smiled down at the kid, reaching over to ruffle his hair. “Do you have kids?” 

“I don’t,” Negan said. “Though I do know a few and they are _just_ as badass as you.”

“Are you married?” Milo asked, still curious.

“Not anymore,” Negan said, looking out over the dying world. “Though, I do have someone. Their name is (Y/N).”

“Where are they?” 

“Someplace safe,” Negan said. 

“Why aren’t you with them?”

“I gotta do something,” Negan explained. “Fix some things.”

“I get that,” Milo said, reaching over to pat Negan on the back, causing the latter to laugh.

“What is with you kids in this new world, you’re all so damn wise,” Negan said as he thought about Judith particularly. “Look, I told your mom about a place I know. They’ll help you and get you some food. They’re good people.”

“Are they your people?”

“A few are,” Negan said. “You’re gonna be okay, kid.” 

“Thank you for saving me and my mom,” Milo said and Negan smiled at him. 

“You are welcome, but if I don’t go and find some firewood, all three of us are gonna freeze tonight. Take care of your mom until I get back?” 

“I will,” Milo said. 

“Good man,” Negan teased as he got up and headed into the woods to hopefully find some warmth for the night.

* * *

Negan walked, grabbing wood as he found it, but it was taking too long and he needed to get back to Milo and his mother. 

As Negan began the trek back to the bus, a Walker shuffled out of the trees. Pulling the old knife that Brandon had given him, he let the Walker approach him. “You bastards just get more ugly by the day,” Negan grunted as it grabbed for him. Negan kicked out its legs and shoved his blade in the rotting skull. Kneeling down, Negan searched the Dead woman’s coat. He was hoping to find a lighter or matches, but what he found instead made him laugh. 

Inside her coat pocket was a broken hatchet. It looked as if she had hit something too hard with it and broke the handle. However, the blade was still intact and Negan could see dried blood in the etching. Holding the hatchet, he began to think about another hatchet-wielding maniac he once tousled with. 

“Look at me, Rick,” Negan said to the empty woods, “I’m trying to be the fuckin’ hero. If Carl could see me now…” Negan left the broken weapon behind as he hauled his firewood back into his arms and headed back to the kid and his mom. 

Negan walked with steady steps, ready to finally get some rest. However, as he approached the lot, something felt _wrong_. It was too quiet and as Negan turned the corner, the wood in his arms crashed to the ground. 

Laying in pools of their own blood, Milo and his mother were dead, their vacant eyes gazing up at the sky. Standing above them, holding a tire iron, was Brandon. The teen was beaming with pride as he looked at the man before him. Negan, however, was only seeing red as he saw the child’s body crumpled on the floor. 

“That's it, right?” Brandon asked. “You almost had me. Back on the bus, when you kicked me out. Then I remembered, This is Negan. He's always messing with people, keeping 'em in line.” Negan began to stalk towards Brandon, his body moving on its own accord. 

“So I realized there's a test,” Brandon continued. “‘It's gonna get a lot more dangerous from here on out.’ That's what you said to me. You wanted to make sure that I had the balls to do what had to be done. What do you think? I passed, right?” Brandon said with glee as he stared down at his victims. Negan bent over and picked up a large rock, weighing it in his hand as he approached the lunatic. “I am Neg‒” Brandon tried to finish as Negan swung and hit him over the head with the rock. 

Brandon went down hard, blood oozing from his head, but Negan had to finish the job. With a few more hits, the brain was damaged and Brandon was dead with no possibility of returning. The rage that he was feeling was too overwhelming. The mother was bad enough, but a child? Milo was as pure as they came. Brandon hadn’t killed them, he had _stolen_ them and Negan wasn’t going to allow that. 

Blood was splattered on Negan’s clothes and face, but he kept moving. He grabbed Brandon’s bag, pulling out the black leather jacket. Taking it in his hands he admired it for just a moment before sliding it across his broad shoulders. 

The feel of the leather on his back was both familiar and terrifying. However, he knew it was needed and so, he zipped it up the way he used to and from the bag, pulled his new weapon. 

Lucille 2.0.

The menacing weapon felt familiar. She would never be what his original was, but she would do if he was going to pull off the performance of a lifetime. “Takin’ one for a team that would rather see me in a grave. Oh, how things have fuckin’ changed,” Negan said as he swung the bat up to his shoulder as he looked down at his newest victim. 

Negan raised his head, leaned into one of his legs and then headed towards his destination. A destination fenced with barbed wire. 

* * *

“Alright, you sorry, rotten sacks of shit! What's a fella gotta do to get eaten around here?” Negan announced as he wandered through the darkness. Waiting until nightfall, Negan had prepared himself for what he was about to do. 

“What's the matter? Huh?” he continued. “Y'all scared of the Big Bad Wolf? Little pig, little pig! Let me in!” he yelled as he moved over the border and into Alpha’s territory, letting his voice travel. “And there you are!” Negan said as he finally noticed the Walkers and in the moonlight, blades appeared in some of their hands. “Oh, I am gonna huff. I am gonna puff. I am gonna blow your house all the way down!” 

Out of the darkness came a large shape and Negan immediately knew who it was. You had described him so much that Negan felt as if he practically knew the asshole. 

Beta. 

“Alright, you big-ass freak,” Negan said as he stared down Alpha’s right hand in the dark. With a deep breath and your face at the forefront of his mind, Negan gripped his new Lucille and grinned. “Here we go.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sickness is spreading in Alexandria, the reader searches for their lost love, and Negan meets the silent enemy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing, Mentions of Blood
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “In This Shirt” by The Irrepressibles
> 
> Note: I am getting really excited about the final few parts of this! However, we have a bit to go! All official dialog is property of AMC and Skybound.

Negan really hated Beta and he hadn’t said more than three words since they crossed paths. 

After crossing into the Whisperer’s territory, Beta had fallen upon Negan quickly, disarming and blindfolding him. Negan wasn’t sure if the giant man was going to kill him, so he kept talking in hopes that the Beta would take him to the Alpha to decide his fate.

“Look, man, I have spent the last eight fuckin’ years locked up by your enemy,” Negan said. “I want them dead as much as you do, hell, probably even more. Their old leader fucked me up good once upon a time ago and I haven’t been in a very forgiving mindset since. You take me to your Alpha and I will spill every goddamn secret I know about those fuckers and beyond.”

“Too much noise,” Beta snarled at him.

“Right, you people are all about the whole vow of silence thing,” Negan said in a mock whisper. “I get it, it’s freaky as shit, but I get it.”

“I should just slit your throat and be done with it,” said Beta.

“Been there, done that,” Negan said. “It didn’t stick.” Even behind the blindfold Negan figured Beta was reaching for the knives on his belt. He wouldn’t blame him if he did want to kill him.

Negan had only been back in “I am Negan” mode for all of twelve hours and he had already started to hate himself for it. However, he had a job to do and this was the first step in doing so.

“The Alpha will decide your fate,” Beta said as the Whisperers who had hold of Negan pushed him forward. 

“Fan-fucking-tastic,” Negan said. Beta whirled on him, ripping down the blindfold and Negan cringed at the sight of the man in the mask. Beta then shoved the cloth into Negan’s mouth tightly.

“Stop talking,” Beta ordered. Negan glared back at him and it was then that he could see what you must have seen as Beta stood above you with his hand on your throat. The thought of that, the thought of that monster’s hand on the person he loved, kept Negan on his feet and walking forward. He knew that you wanted to kill Beta, but Negan was starting to think that if you didn’t do it soon, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. 

Beta dragged him through the woods and when they came across the main camp, Negan relaxed further, slipped on a cocky smile, and started to plan. 

* * *

You and Carol were walking through the woods, both of you scanning for your respective targets.

You knew that she was looking for the horde and you didn’t care. All you wanted was to find Negan and if walking aimlessly around offered you some sort of clue, then you were going to do it. Daryl had tried to accompany her that morning, but you had stepped in and offered to go instead. Daryl was clearly worried about her, but you knew that she didn’t want comfort, she just wanted to work and find Alpha. 

You were more than willing to give that to her. 

That morning as you were getting ready to head out, you had stumbled across one of your emergency packs. You had begun to stash them around the house in case you had to leave suddenly with Negan. All three were accounted for which told you that he hadn’t even bothered to find one before he left. This only proved your theory that something was wrong and that he didn’t just leave.

On top of everything else, Aaron was now in contact with one of Alpha’s people. They called her Gamma and you didn’t like that he was speaking to her. If you had it your way, Gamma would be bleeding at your feet and not playing “frenemy”. 

“I can see your wheels turning,” Carol said as you walked beside her. Your sword was swinging on your hip as her bow was level in her hand. 

“I don’t think they’ve stopped since the world ended,” you said with a sigh. Carol nodded in agreement. “Can we be honest with each other, Peletier?” you asked. 

“Always,” Carol said, snorting as you used her last name, something you always did when you first met her. 

“I think we both know that we’re out here for different reasons,” you said. 

“You always were the smart one,” Carol said. She then stopped walking and turned to you. “Are you going to tell me to back down?”

“I won’t tell you to stop hunting Alpha as long as you don’t stop me from taking out Beta.”

“He’s in your crosshairs, huh?” she said, continuing to walk. 

“I don’t know why he’s gotten under my skin, Carol. I do know that that motherfucker is going to die by my hand even if I have to bite his damn jugular out.” 

_“Okay, Rick,”_ Carol said with a knowing look. 

“Michonne told you that story too?”

“I think everyone’s heard it,” Carol said. 

“I miss him so much,” you sighed as you climbed over a fallen tree. 

“What do you think he’d do if he was here?” Carol asked. 

“I think he would have shot Alpha the second she showed up at Hilltop.”

“I agree,” Carol said. “I feel like we’re running around with our heads cut off without him in this war.” 

“Maybe we can learn something from the past. We won the last war, I don’t know why this one would be any different.”

“Negan wasn't evil,” Carol said. This stunned you for a moment and Carol caught onto it. “Surprised to hear me defend him?” 

“A bit,” you admitted. 

“You remember my husband?” 

“Ed?” you asked. “How could I forget?” Carol’s dead husband was an abusive asshole that deserved what he got. You remembered how Shane was ready to throttle him and you were willing to help. Lori was the one to calm the both of you down before you murdered him. However, you knew that Shane had always been right about him. 

“My husband didn’t care about me or our daughter. Ed was a horrible human being who preyed on the weak. Alpha is the same way. She doesn’t care who she hurts and she is willing to kill women, children, and anyone to get what she wants. Negan...he had a code. I don’t know if that makes up for all the things he did, but in my book, he’s a better person than Ed or Alpha.”

“I wish more people shared those thoughts,” you said. 

“I can tell that you love him,” she said. “I can see it on your face and in your eyes. He’s...I guess he’s _your_ sanctuary.”

“Is it wrong that I feel guilty for that?”

“For loving him?” she asked and you nodded. “No, (Y/N), it’s not wrong. I also want you to know that it's okay, no matter who it is.” 

“Ezekiel said the same thing,” you said. Carol smiled at that. You didn’t know exactly what had happened between her and the King, but you knew they weren’t speaking as much and you figured they weren’t even together at all.

It wasn’t odd when parents broke up after the death of a child. You had seen it enough when you were a teacher. Carol was strong, but you _did_ worry about Ezekiel. 

“What’s your opinion on him, Carol?” you asked after a moment. 

“On Negan?” she asked and you nodded. “Well, I am never going to forgive him for Glenn or Abraham, but I see that he’s changed. I know that he cared about Carl, and in his own way, respected Rick. I also know that he would never lay his hand on a child or a woman and if it came down to it, he would die for Judith. I think that regardless of what he’s done, at least we know he knows how to be a good man even if he hasn’t always been one.” 

Nodding, you tried to keep your emotions in check, but the tears came quickly. You hunched over, feeling a loss and Carol grabbed you into her arms. 

“I have no doubt he will come home to you,” she whispered. “Do not lose faith, my friend.” 

“I need him,” you choked out. 

“I know, honey,” Carol said. “I know.” 

* * *

You broke off from Carol not that long after her words of comfort. 

Needing to be alone, you began the trek towards Hilltop. You weren’t exactly sure what you were looking for, but perhaps if you saw it you would know. Carol had mentioned that she wasn’t just looking for Alpha, but the horde as well. Daryl had seen it when Alpha had taken him to the cliff edge. The Whisperers had the largest weapon you could ever imagine and if they decided to use it, you weren’t sure many would survive. 

However, you had your own weapon. That is if you could find him. Thinking back to the first day that you had spoken to Negan in his cell, Michonne had said that Alexandria could use him. Not just for a mental punching bag, but because he had run a community unchallenged for years. The Sanctuary, while it was a symbol of hate for Alexandria and the others, it was still proof that some people were born to be in power. Negan was the best shot you had at getting into Beta’s head. The only problem was that Negan may not want to help, not when he had come so far to become a better man.

“And now I’m the one wanting to make him relive that past life,” you muttered as you moved through the trees. 

“Talking to yourself? Never a good sign,” a voice said. You recognized it immediately, turning towards the young woman who stepped around a tree. Enid leaned against the trunk, her knife on her hip and a large button-up around her shoulders. You recognized it as one of Alden’s shirts. 

“I think a little insanity is healthy,” you offered, causing Enid to smile a bit. “How are you?” you asked. 

“I’m getting there,” she admitted. You hadn’t spoken to her much since the fair. Here and there you would check-in, but you had been caught in Negan for months. That guilty feeling returned. “What are you doing out here?” she asked. 

“I could ask you the same thing,” you said. 

“I needed to get out before Alden wrapped me in plastic wrap.”

“He’s become a helicopter boyfriend?” you guessed, continuing to walk. Enid fell into step next to you. 

“That’s a nice way of putting it,” she grumbled. 

“Alden is just worried about you,” you said. “Rosita and Gabriel are doing the same with Siddiq.”

“Is he doing okay?”

“He’s been distracted with his daughter and I think that’s helping. Rosita says that he isn’t sleeping though,” you said. 

“Neither am I,” Enid said. “I can’t get the look of Tara’s face out of my head. Seeing her die and then what they did with her body…” You reached out and took her hand in yours.

“I am so sorry you had to see that,” you said. 

“I’ve seen people die before, but that… that wasn’t human, (Y/N),” Enid said. “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep without the nightmares.” 

“I wish I could do something to help you,” you said. 

“You are, you’re talking to me and you’re still looking for the Whisperers,” she said. “That’s why you’re out here, right?” You paused, trying not to fully lie. 

“Right,” you said, but Enid could see right through it. 

“Or are you looking for Negan?”

“Can’t I do both?” you asked. Enid shrugged. Negan was a rough subject with Enid. He had killed Glenn who had become like a father to Enid in some ways. He had taken care of her when she didn’t think anyone wanted her around. When he was taken away from her, Enid had taken over as caretaker for Maggie and you knew that Negan wasn’t winning any popularity contests with the young woman. 

“How do you know he’s actually changed?” Enid asked, surprising you. 

“Everyone keeps asking me that,” you said with a sigh. “I don’t think it’s something I can just explain. It’s something you have to see.” 

_“Why_ do you think he’s changed?” Enid asked. 

“Because he had to and because he wanted to,” you said without a second of hesitation. “Negan wasn’t always who we met all those years ago.”

“I wonder what changed.”

“His wife died and the world ended,” you said. “Some people are built for this kind of world, others have to adapt and change with it in order to survive.” 

“So, you’re saying that the end of the world turned him into a killer?” 

“It’s turned us all into killers, Enid,” you reminded her. Enid was quiet for a moment before she continued. 

“Alden once told me a story about him,” she began. “Alden wasn’t always with Negan, he usually just stayed at the outposts, but one day Negan went to visit. They all went out in search of people or supplies and they found a small family. It was a husband, his wife, and their two teenagers. Twins, I think. Alden thought that Negan was going to recruit the man to be a Savior and take care of the teens and the wife.”

“Did he?” you asked. Enid shook her head. 

“Alden said that Negan...switched when he noticed something. It wasn’t until he got closer that he saw what Negan did. The wife was covered in bruises, the kids too. These weren’t the normal ones you would get from running from Walkers either.”

“He was beating them,” you concluded. 

“Negan gave the man one chance to admit what he had done. I guess the husband drew a gun on his family, threatening to kill them. Negan ordered Alden and some other Saviors to grab the kids and keep them safe as he dealt with the parents. The wife began to beg Negan for help and that’s when Negan tackled the husband, knocking him out cold.” 

“Did he kill him?” 

“He didn’t have to,” Enid said. “The son of a bitch had gotten bit and was going to turn and then turn his family. Some sort of sick ‘together forever’ type thing. Negan got the family into the Sanctuary and kept them safe. The mom died about a year later from a respiratory infection.”

“And the twins?”

“Alden doesn’t know. They were around fifteen or so. Maybe they left, maybe Negan got them set up somewhere else, I don’t know. I just know their names: Adam and Olivia. I like to think they made it and they're out there somewhere.”

“Why did Alden tell you this?”

“I think he was trying to convince me that not everything the Saviors did was bad,” she said. “I think he’s still worried that I see him as an enemy, but I never did. At least not since he helped us win the war.” 

“I wish I could say the same about my own Savior,” you sighed. 

“Can’t you?” she asked. 

“Enid, we both know that Negan and Alden are two very different people with very different situations,” you said. 

“True, but that doesn’t mean Negan hasn’t done his fair share of good. Daryl told me about Judith, all the times he’s saved her. Maybe he’s not lost after all.”

“You sound like Carl,” you complimented. Enid gave you a small smile at that. 

“I know that he would be completely on board with you and Negan,” she said. “I _also_ know that he would be by your side right now looking for him.” 

“Negan wouldn’t have left if Carl was still here,” you said. 

“Why are you so sure that he left?” 

“Are you suggesting somebody _kidnapped_ my boyfriend?” you asked, raising your brows. 

“Stranger things have happened,” she offered. 

“Your wisdom is very… Greene,” you said. 

“Well, Maggie did help me see this world differently. I think we could all use a little Rhee/Greene wisdom right now.”

“If you find some,” you said. “Pass it along alright?”

“You got it,” Enid said. Bumping her shoulder with your own, you took a deep breath. 

“I can’t imagine what she would think about me right now, En,” you said. “I can’t imagine the betrayal she would feel.” 

“(Y/N), listen to me,” Enid said. “We spend too much time thinking about what others would think instead of just being in the moment with the people around us. I lost my best friends to Alpha and I lost a piece of myself, but I still have Alden. I still have that person who loves me unconditionally. I think that is more important right now.” 

“I can’t stop the guilt,” you whispered. 

“(Y/N), you’ve lost too much to feel guilty for loving someone,” she said. Enid then continued on, letting you absorb her words. The sheer fact that Enid was saying these things to you made you even more confused. It began to make you wonder if your friends were actually coming around to the idea of Negan being a part of the community or if they were just worried for your sanity. 

If you were being honest with yourself, you didn’t know which was worse. 

* * *

When you returned to Alexandria, you found that Siddiq and Dante were being overwhelmed. 

“What’s going on?” you asked as you walked into Rosita’s house. 

“I don’t know,” Siddiq said, “it looks like some kind of bug is going around.”

“Are you feelin’ okay, Doc?” you asked, reaching to feel his forehead, but he swatted your hand away. 

“I’m fine, but Ro is on bed rest for the time being. I’ve been trying to get her to sleep, but Coco is keepin’ her up as usual.”

“I will talk to her,” you said. “Go check on the rest of your patients before Dante passes out from exhaustion.” 

“Will do,” he said. 

“Hey, where’s Daryl? I didn’t see him when I came in,” you said. 

“I think he went out after Carol,” Siddiq said. With a roll of your eyes, you nodded. Of course, he did. 

As Siddiq went to go check on the others, you headed into Rosita’s room. “Alright, Ma’am, gimme the kid, I need baby time,” you said, reaching for the little girl. Rosita handed her to you without a question, sinking back into her pillows. 

She did look pale and tired and you knew that she knew she should be resting. However, she was trying to be supermom. You respected that, but you also needed your friend to sleep. Sitting down in the armchair by the bed, you held Coco close to your chest, gently rubbing her back. 

“Find him?” Rosita asked. 

“Not yet,” you whispered, resting your eyes. “I did run into Enid, though.”

“Is she doing any better than Siddiq?” she asked. 

“Not really,” you said. “She’s having nightmares.”

“So is he,” Rosita sighed. “I’m worried about him.”

“I know, I am too,” you said. Siddiq was always the voice of reason. He reminded you a lot of Herschel. It was no wonder that Carl saw the kindness in him as soon as he met him. 

“(Y/N), about Negan,” Rosita began, but you shook your head. 

“I can’t right now,” you said. “People have been giving their opinion on him since we got home from the fair and even more so now that he’s gone. I just need to sit here and hold your girl so you can get better. _Please.”_

“Okay,” Rosita whispered, curling into her side so she always had eyes on Coco.

“Rest, mama,” you said. “You need it and I got her.”

“Thanks,” Rosita whispered as her eyes fell closed.

“Any time, Ro,” you said as he pressed a kiss to Coco’s forehead and settled into the chair, propping your feet up on the bed. It didn’t take long for you to relax and for the little Espinosa to fall asleep. As you set there, you focused on the small breaths of the baby and wished for a miracle. 

* * *

From gravedigger to pig hunter, Negan was not having a good day. 

He was especially missing you and following the skins around all day was starting to give him a headache. The only thing that was keeping him going was a trinket that was tucked into his pocket. It was something he had taken from your house the last time he had been there. It was a small marble that you kept on the mantle of your fireplace. You had told him that you had found it the first time you visited the Kingdom. It was black and white which reminded him of you and him. 

He wondered if you had even noticed it was missing. Though, he figured that you were beyond pissed right now and a missing marble wouldn’t exactly mean much. Rubbing his thumb over the smooth token, he continued to follow the asshole in front of him. 

He and Beta were butting heads at every chance they got. He knew that the bastard didn’t like him, but he didn’t really give a shit. He wasn’t there to make friends with him. He just wanted the damn Alpha. However, that was proving to be a bit of a problem. 

Beta was testing him and he hated every second of it. Beta, however, seemed to be enjoying himself as he tortured, tested, and talked down to Negan. The latter had been around assholes his entire life and while Beta was a dick, when it came to being scary, he didn’t even touch Rick Grimes. Although, at least Rick would actually talk to him. 

“I just don’t see the point in all of this,” Negan said as Beta led him through the dark woods. Beta just continued to ignore him. Negan had been playing Whisperer custodian all day and he was tired of it. Now, Beta had him wandering through the dark for some reason and Negan was already annoyed. 

“Clearly,” Negan continued, “we are not jivin'. And, you know, to be honest with you, I totally understand the position you're in. You gotta be, like, the tough guy and keep everybody in line. I mean, hell, you know, I had guys just like you to keep my shit tight. Alright, maybe not _just_ like you.” 

Beta’s jaw clenched, but Negan went on, “Uh, hell, if I had some monster your size, things would've turned out different. For one, I wouldn’t be lacking as much Vitamin D.” Beta didn’t get the joke. “Look, whether you like me or not, I will be joinin' this team, so maybe we should find a way to get along, you know, and stop pissin' on each other's boots.”

“You will _never_ be one of us,” Beta sneered, getting into Negan’s face. “You’re too loud, too weak, too full of ego.”

“Some people like my damn ego,” Negan offered. 

“You are a waste, and Alpha will see it.”

“So, cards on the table, then? Cool. I dig that. See, I'm not here for _you_. I am here for Alpha. So, you go ahead, and you throw your little tests at me and you scowl and throw me on the ground like a five-and-dime Frankenstein. I don't give a shit,” Negan shot back. "See, big man, I ain't goin' anywhere.” Beta stopped walking and properly faced his antagonizer.

“Finally, something we can both agree on. You _won't_ be going anywhere,” Beta said as the growls of Walkers echoed around them. The Dead stumbled towards them and Negan, who was weaponless, only got more pissed.

“Wait a minute. Did you just make a Goddamn joke? I would be impressed if I wasn't so pissed off right now,” he said. Beta then shoved him back towards the Walkers as he faded into the shadows, leaving Negan to the Dead. With a grunt, Negan turned to face his rotting enemies. “Oh, you have got to be shittin' me.”

* * *

Negan was covered in blood and the smell of rotting flesh, but he was alive. 

And he was pissed. 

Negan had fought for years. He knew how to kill in all sorts of ways and he knew how to kill Walkers. However, being thrown into that small herd with nothing but his bare fists had nearly killed him. The only thing that kept him going was you. 

He thought back to the training sessions, you, Lydia, and he had done in the living room of your home. The hand-to-hand and weapons training was important, but then there was what Lydia had brought to the table. The number one thing that her mother had taught her was how to improvise in a dire situation. Anything could be a weapon and only you were the one capable of getting yourself away from death. 

Negan had ducked and pushed his way through the Walkers, dodging their teeth and hands the best he could. When he spotted the fallen branch on the ground, he had laughed picked it up. It wasn’t Lucille, but it would do. As he faced down the Walkers in front of him, he grinned. 

“Lydia, give me strength,” he whispered as he swung. 

Now, as every Walker was in pieces and he was drenched in blood, he strutted back into camp. Just as Beta was explaining to Alpha that Negan was dead, he made his appearance. 

“I'm ready for my Goddamn skin suit!” he announced as he walked between Whisperers, the branch on his shoulder. “You best bring that extra-long tape measure on account of my humongous balls.” He spotted Alpha immediately. She was looking at him with curiosity and as much as he hated to admit it, Lydia had had that same look when she first met him. 

Approaching the Alpha, he dropped the makeshift weapon and dropped to his knee in front of her. Alpha looked at him as if he was prey, but he didn’t back down. 

“Hi, I'm Negan,” he said with a cocky grin. “We haven't formally met, but I sure as hell know who you are. And whether my reputation precedes me or not, I'm all in.” Alpha reached out and pulled a piece of flesh off his shoulder. “Whatever you want, whatever I got, it's yours.”

Alpha leaned forward then and placed a finger on her lips. “Shh,” she said and Negan just grinned back, knowing he had cast the line, all she had to do was bite.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A traitor in Alexandria is found when they attack one of their own. The reader holds an interrogation and with a new kind of resolve, makes their move against the enemy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing, Graphic Description of Violence
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Who Are You, Really?” by Mikky Ekko
> 
> Note: This one is a bit of a filler, but I had to touch on this particular storyline. I really wanted to show some development here with the MC and I really like it. Much more Negan in the next part!

The sickness wasn’t going away and you were getting nervous.

Along with the sudden illness that seemed to infect your friends and family, Alpha’s Walkers were still making their way towards the communities. Due to this, Gabriel had assigned more watch shifts as well.

With Michonne still at Oceanside, you were taking on more duties when it came to protecting the community. Aaron was still talking to Gamma, Daryl and Carol were still on edge, and you were just so damn tired of it all.

It took a lot of convincing to get you to stay inside the walls during the day, but so far, your search was turning up nothing. You couldn’t even figure out which direction Negan was travelling it, let alone if he was even travelling at all. He could be held up two miles away and you would never know. If there was one thing you knew about your man was that he was a lot smarter than people gave him credit for.

If he wanted to stay hidden he was going to do it.

You ran your thumb over the casing that hung around your neck as you thought about him. There had been moments during the war that you had watched him in your scope. While he had seen you before that fateful day in his cell, you had been watching him as well.

The first time you saw him after the clearing had been when he had strolled up to Alexandria with the caravan. You were sitting on the roof of Rick’s house, liking being up high when Spencer had opened the gate. While your rifle hadn’t been with you, you had a spare scope in the bag that was next to you.

Peering through it, you watched as Negan handed Lucille to Rick and sauntered through your home. When you had seen Daryl being led around like a dog, you had slipped around to the other side of the roof and slid down the drainpipe. As soon as your boots hit the ground, you followed the Saviors around, keeping one eye on Negan and the other on a very nervous Rick.

When Carl drew his gun in the infirmary, that was when you had headed up to the watchpoint. His men had checked you for weapons as you approached the platform but after a few well-placed glares, they let you up into your main roost.

You stayed there until the Saviors left. You had kept your back to them as they filed out, but you could feel their eyes on you, especially Negan’s. You didn’t want to speak to him or even acknowledge him, but you wanted them to see that someone was always going to be watching and protecting Alexandria.

You proved this point later in the war when you would take out Negan’s own men from your hiding places. Your job had been to instil fear and you were good at it. However, now, it seemed that Alpha was turning the tables on you and you were not happy about it.

It was well into the night when you were heading home as Scott took over your shift. Walking towards your house, you noticed a figure moving around Rosita’s. Considering nobody should have been going inside with Rosita being under the weather, you got suspicious.

Ducking into the shadows of the house, you watched as Dante slipped into the house through the back door. Your brow furrowed at this. Dante was Siddiq’s second, he didn’t need to slip inside, he was always invited.

Your instincts kicked in then. Dante was a great doctor, but something had always bothered you about him. He was apparently found wandering around and in need of help. While you and the others were always looking for new doctors, he seemed almost _too willing_ to be helpful. Even more so than Siddiq had been when Carl had found him.

“What are you up to?” you whispered as you found the South watchpoint and climbed up the rickety ladder. Nobody used it that much besides you and Rosita. It was also freshly repaired from when the tree had come down the year before. Pulling yourself up onto the narrow platform, you pulled your handy scope from your pocket and angled it at the house.

You weren’t what you were looking for, but you needed to settle your suspicions. While you didn’t have your rifle anymore, the scope still never let you down. Scanning the house, you watched as a light turned on in the upper window. Turning towards it, you saw Siddiq standing in what you knew to be one of the storage rooms of the house and where he kept some of his medical supplies.

Siddiq was just standing at the window and as you peered at him, he seemed to be incredibly nervous. Suddenly, his eyes locked onto yours through the scope. His kind eyes widened in fear and then you jumped as two hands grabbed him from behind and pulled him back into the room.

You didn’t hesitate to slide down the ladder and pull your weapon. Bursting into the house, Rosita, who was sleeping on the couch woke up in a jolt. Coco was next to her in her small carrier. “(Y/N)?” Rosita asked.

“Stay here with Coco!” you ordered as you ran up the stairs. You didn’t know if Rosita was actually listening to you, you just had to get to Siddiq.

Taking the steps two at a time, you finally made it to the second floor. Sprinting down the hall, you shoved your shoulder into the final door and broke it down.

Dante was on the ground with Siddiq in a headlock and he was fading fast. Dante looked at you in alarm as you ran towards them and aimed a kick at his jaw.

Dante moved just before your boot could make contact, letting Siddiq go. You went to strike Dante again, but he threw himself at you, slamming you into the wall. Catching your breath, you grabbed him by the shoulders and slammed your head against his, disorienting him.

Grabbing his arm you twisted it behind his back, trying to dislocate his shoulder, but Dante swung his leg out, sending you to the ground. He straddled you, placing his hands around your throat.

Your throat burned as the pressure increased, but then Dante screamed in pain as Siddiq slashed at his leg with a scalpel. You took the opening to knee him in the groin. Rolling to your knees, you grabbed him by the neck and slammed his head into a nearby table. He went down again, but then grabbed your ankle, slamming his palm into your knee.

As pain exploded in your leg, Dante got to his feet. He went to grab you again when you remembered a move that Jesus had taught you years ago. Using his own momentum against him, you pulled him forward into your space. As he fell into you, you ducked underneath him and pushed him over your shoulders. Dante crashed into the wooden desk, splitting it in half.

Picking up your fallen blade, you moved and levelled it at his throat as blood trickled down your neck from the superficial head wound you had sustained.

“Don’t. Move,” you spat through a split lip.

“It was _him_ ,” Siddiq choked. “He...made...me watch.” It took less than a second for you to realize what Siddiq meant. Dante had been the one to hold open Siddiq’s eyes and then Enid’s as Alpha murdered your family. Dante chuckled from his spot on the ground. “He...poisoned the water, too,” Siddiq said, coughing.

“You son of a bitch,” you swore as you brought your pommel down on his temple and knocked him out.

* * *

Rosita arrived soon after the commotion had settled. 

Pausing in the doorway of the adjoining room, her daughter was in her arms as she peered into the room. You were tying up an unconscious Dante as she glared down at him. 

“He’s out cold,” you told her and that’s when she rushed forward to Siddiq who was finally breathing a bit better. He reached for his daughter immediately and pressed a kiss to her head, holding her close. Rosita pressed her forehead against his as the two parents had a family moment with their child. 

Daryl arrived a moment later. You figured that Rosita would have called for him. “Help me get him up,” you said to Daryl who grabbed the man by his shoulders as you took his legs. 

“You’re bleeding,” Siddiq said from the ground. 

“I’ll be fine,” you said through gritted teeth as you carried Dante from the room and back down the stairs. 

“(Y/N),” Daryl said, “how did you know?” 

“I had a bad feelin’ and I followed it,” you said as Daryl kicked open the door. “He’s a fucking Whisperer, D.” Daryl looked down at the man in his arms with disgust. “He helped murder Tara, Henry, and the others. Alpha did this, she sent a wolf into Alexandria.” 

“She ain’t gonna get away with this,” he said. You agreed which is why you were more than happy to throw Dante’s traitorous ass into the cell. However, first, you needed to clean it out. 

Negan’s things, the things you had given to him were still on his bunk and in the corner. You quickly packed everything into a blanket and dragged it from the cell. Then, Daryl shoved Dante into the cell and locked the door. 

Needing a moment, you hauled everything in your arms back to your house. You stumbled a bit from the headache that was forming behind your eyes, but you pushed on. Pushing open your front door, you dragged yourself towards the bedroom on the ground floor.

As soon as you made it to the guest room, you fell to the floor as the lightheadedness took its toll. Reaching around the back of your head, you were glad to see that the bleeding had stopped, but it was still tender. 

You didn’t know how long you sat on the floor. It could have been minutes or hours before footsteps came down the hall. Looking up from the stained carpet, you saw Siddiq walking towards you. “You need to be resting,” you said, wiping at the dried blood on your neck. 

“And you need to get that wound looked at,” he said hoarsely.

“You were just attacked, Siddiq,” you reminded him. 

“And _you_ just saved my life so shut up and let me help you,” he said as he helped you to your feet. You both leaned on each other as you made your way into the kitchen. You made him sit down first so you could grab the first aid kit a bowl of water that you poured from an uncontaminated canteen. He obliged but then got to work as soon as his tools were in front of him. 

“How did you know it was Dante?” you asked as Siddiq used a wet cloth to wipe the blood off your skin. 

“He did this... _clicking thing_ with his tongue in the barn. I heard him doing it earlier tonight,” Siddiq explained softly. “I put the rest together.”

“I should have realized something was wrong,” you said. “That’s my job.”

“Nobody has been in the right mind for a while, (Y/N)” he reminded you. 

“I’ve been too distracted,” you said, that guilt coming back, but now it was accompanied by pure anger. 

“You _have_ to stop blaming yourself for everything,” he whispered as he grabbed a needle and thread. “This is going to sting.”

“I’m used to it,” you said, tightening your hands into fists. 

“You seem to be used to a lot,” he said. 

“I’m not going to let him get away with any of this,” you promised. “Dante is going to tell me exactly what I want to know, no matter what I have to do to get it out of him.” 

Siddiq snipped the final thread on the small wound and wiped it once more before bracing his hands on your shoulders. He leaned his head on your back and you could feel a slight tremor as he let himself feel his fear again. 

Reaching back, you gripped his arms and let yourself cry with him. Everyone had a breaking point and for so long you and Siddiq had been pretending that you were okay. Neither of you could do that anymore. Turning around, you grabbed him into your arms and he held you back, resting his head in the crook of your neck. 

_“Thank you,”_ he whispered and at that moment all you could do was nod and grip your friend tighter. In the back of your mind, Carl’s face was a shining light as you saved the one he had sacrificed to save and that only made you cry harder.

* * *

It was the next morning when Daryl came to find you.

Dante had been under watch all night in the cell. Eventually coming too, Gabriel had made sure he was still breathing before letting him rot alone in the concrete box.

Now, it was time for answers.

“I need you to talk to him,” Daryl said as he leaned in the doorway of your bedroom. You were tying up your boots as he spoke.

“I figured as much,” you said with a roll of your eyes. “I am way ahead of you, Daryl.”

“I was ready to start breakin’ bones, but Gabriel doesn’t think it would be helpful,” he explained.

“Not with someone like him,” you said. “Alpha’s broken him in ways that we’ll never understand. No kind of pain is gonna make him talk.” Getting to your feet, you grabbed your blade and hooked it on your belt.

“Which is why I need that brain of yours,” he said. Thinking back to when you and he had been interrogating Lydia, you smirked.

“You want my psychological warfare, huh?” you asked, sitting into your hip. Daryl nodded.

“You up for it?” he asked.

“If it gets me to his leaders, I’ll do anything,” you said, passing by him in the doorway.

As you walked towards the cell, you noticed Carol sitting on the stoop of Michonne’s house. She looked livid and you understood why. You also figured she was trying to keep her distance so she didn’t end up slaughtering the monster in the cell below.

Dismissing the guards out front, you headed into the jail and a sense of deja vu cascaded over you. This was not how you wanted any of this to go. The jail cell had become less negative over the past year, but now a true enemy sat behind the bars and it only fueled your rage.

“I need to do this alone,” you said to Daryl who was waiting in the doorway.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Positive,” you responded. He nodded and then left the room, shutting the door behind him.

“You got a mean kick,” Dante said as soon as it was quiet.

“Too bad your head wasn’t harder,” you said, stopping in front of the bars as you crossed your arms. “Give me one reason why I shouldn’t cut your throat from ear to ear.”

“I don’t have one,” Dante said. “I don’t care what happens to me, you people have already lost everything.”

“I don’t agree,” you said simply. “You and your... _people_ , don’t know the first thing about me and mine.”

“You have won many battles and many fights,” Dante said. “You think you’re some sort of gods, right?” Shaking your head, you sneered at him.

“If divinity was real, there is no place for it in this hell hole of a world. Stop trying to flatter me and tell me where Alpha is.”

“I don’t know,” Dante said as he sat up straighter on the ground. “That wasn’t part of the deal.”

“What deal?” you asked.

“My Alpha asked me to do a job and I didn’t question it. That’s how it works in the pack.”

“Your _pack_ is a bunch of soulless monsters that need to be put down,” you sneered.

“What’s wrong with monsters?” Dante asked, grinning in the low light of the cell. There was still blood on his teeth and it made your stomach turn. “I thought you liked monsters? Aren’t you _in_ _love_ with one?”

“You don’t get to speak about him,” you ordered.

“He left you,” Dante said. “Siddiq told me all about the man called Negan. He told me who he was and why he was dangerous.” Dante moved closer to the cell door, nearly crawling on his knees. “What makes him so damn different from me? From Alpha or Beta?”

“You listen to me, you sick son of a bitch, Negan is nothing like you. He is a _good_ man and if you don’t start telling me some fucking truth, _you_ are going to be a dead one.”

“I just know that Alpha would _love_ you,” Dante said and red began to shimmer around the rims of your eyes. “Tell me, (Y/N), do you thirst for blood? Do you _crave_ to feel Beta’s life leave his body?” You were silent, but he could see it, the truth in your eyes. “Ah, you do,” he whispered.

“Don’t act as if you know me,” you said. “We are _nothing_ alike and I will kill Beta but it will not because I’ll enjoy it, but because he deserves it.”

“And what do you deserve?” he taunted, getting to his feet. His hands wrapped around the bars, shoving his face in the space between the iron. “What are you afraid of, (Y/N)? Are you scared of me?” he asked and then something occurred to him. “No, no, that’s not it. You’re not scared of anyone, but you _are_ scared of yourself.”

You lashed out, grabbing him by his shirt and slamming him against the bars. He went down hard and you pulled the key from your belt. You didn’t hesitate to unlock the cell door and rush inside. Dante was spitting up blood from the impact as you kicked out at him.

“You know nothing about me,” you growled at him as you pulled your sword and slammed it into his chest. Dante’s eyes went wide as your blade entered his heart, but you didn’t stop. “You will die miserably and you will _never_ walk with your _Guardians_ ,” you spat at him. “I will find Alpha, I will find Beta, and I _will_ kill them. Nobody will remember you and nobody will care that you’re gone.”

Pulling your sword, you let the warm blood drip on his dying body. “I’ll send Alpha your regards,” you finished as you shoved the tip of your sword through his eye, killing his brain instantly.

Everything around you felt as if it were slowing down at that moment as you withdrew your sword from the dead body. Blood was streaked down the blade and it was flecked on your clothes from the arterial spray. Looking down at Dante, you could barely feel anything as you turned away from him and left the cell.

Your body moved on autopilot as you pulled the main door open and walked out into the bright sunshine. Swinging your sword up onto your shoulder, the red blood glinted off the blade. Ignoring everyone who had come running down the road, you pushed past them as you moved into the meeting hall

Daryl watched as you moved through the streets of Alexandria and just as he saw you on the beach with your sword, the way you walked with the blade on your shoulder was all too familiar.

* * *

“I have an idea,” you said once the leaders convened in the meeting hall. Lydia had joined you, sitting next to you. She seemed almost concerned as she looked at you, but you soon reached out and smoothed a hand over her hair, calming her. She relaxed soon enough.

“Does _this one_ involve killing another hostage?” Aaron argued, but you just narrowed your eyes at him.

“Aaron,” Daryl said cautiously.

“He needed to die,” you said simply. “He poisoned our water, lied to us, and tried to kill Siddiq. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn't been there. He could have gone after Rosita or her child.”

“We know, (Y/N),” Daryl said, but you were shaking your head.

“I don’t think you do,” you said. “Alpha has been playing dirty since day one. It’s time for us to send a message back to her and her people.”

“What did you have in mind?” Gabriel asked. Looking at all the faces in the room, your eyes landed on Carol’s who was trying to figure out what was going on inside your head. However, you weren’t even sure if you knew yourself.

“It’s something I have to do alone,” you said. “And I’m going to need Dante’s body.”

* * *

You had now grown accustomed to the smell of blood and decaying flesh.

Living in the new world, it was a constant in life, but even more so now, the scent followed you around. However, right now you welcomed it.

Moving through the dark, you dragged a makeshift sleigh behind you. On it, lay Dante’s decapitated body.

When you had told Daryl what you planned to do, he was worried about you, but you were done with the kid gloves. If Alpha wanted to play dirty, that is exactly what you were going to do.

Arriving at the Southern border, you scanned the area for any Whisperers, but so far it remained quiet. Dropping the reins on the sleigh, you took the other bag you carried and removed your other prize.

Dante’s head stared up at you with vacant eyes. You frowned at the rotting flesh as you took it and placed it on one of the pikes that made up the barrier. Blood and gore trickled down the wood, but it did the job.

Going back to the sleigh, you pulled Dante’s body off and lay it at the base of the pike, letting the body crumple to the ground. Finally, from the sleigh, you took the torches Daryl had made for you and hammered them into the hard ground.

Lighting them with a flick of a match, they lit up the boundary like a bloody beacon. Staring at the statement you made, you felt a swell of power in your gut. Looking past the boundary and towards wherever Alpha was held up, you let the fire illuminate your eyes.

“You’re not the only ones who can play with fire,” you said to the darkness before turning and walking away from the border, letting the flames speak for themselves.

* * *

When you arrived home, you didn’t speak to anyone.

Daryl was watching you from the doorway of Michonne’s home, but you ignored him. Still covered in blood, you made it to your house and into the garage. Dropping your sword on a workbench, you grabbed a cardboard tube from behind a stack of old chairs.

“What are you doing?” Lydia asked as she entered the garage. You just popped the top on the tube and pulled out three large sheets of paper. The maps of the area were something you had found in Deanna’s house before the Saviours attacked. You were very grateful for them now.

Lydia joined you as you spread the maps out on another bench. She looked down at them with a furrowed brow. You looked up at her and with determination in your eyes, you said, “We’re going to find Negan,” you said. “Then, we’re going to find your mother and her attack dog.”

Lydia was quiet for a moment before pushing up her sleeves and nodding. “Where do we start?”


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan is slowly getting on good terms with the Alpha, the reader is slowly becoming desperate, and Alpha has a plan in motion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Little Black Submarines” by The Black Keys
> 
> Note: I am trying to finish this before the 28th when TWD returns. Remember, this will not go past the 10B finale. Some of these chapters are getting shorter, but that is mainly because Chapter 30, which is the hilltop battle, will be quite long! ALL OFFICIAL DIALOG IS PROPERTY OF AMC.

"Well, that's... _creative_ ,” Negan said as he was looking at the disassembled body that sat at the Southern border. Negan thought the tiki torches were a nice touch even if they were a tad dramatic and that was coming from him.

It was early that morning when Alpha approached him and told him to follow her. Knowing his history with her enemy, she had asked for his counsel on an issue. Considering they hadn’t known each other long, Negan was confused but went along with it anyways. However, as soon as he saw what was at the border, he knew what was going on. The other side had finally made their move. 

"They are declaring war," Alpha said, tilting her head to the side. Negan noticed that she did that a lot and it made him both uncomfortable and intrigued. 

"Isn't that what you did when you put nine of their people on pikes?" Negan asked. Alpha looked at him with a neutral expression. Negan shrugged, the bat on his back shifting on his leather jacket. Alpha had returned his weapon shortly after they had met. She said that if he had even attempted to try to swing it without her permission Beta would gut him within seconds. Negan didn't doubt that. The giant man was even more psychotic than Simon was and that was saying something. Negan was always wishing for a gun whenever Beta was around and he could bet that you were too. 

"The archer?" Alpha asked, her voice quiet but still very calm and emotionless. Negan took a few steps towards the dead man and kneeled to look at the body and then up at the decapitated head.

Seeing as there were no penetrating wounds that Daryl’s bow would have caused, Negan didn't think this was his handy work. Also, if it had been Daryl, he probably wouldn’t have taken the head off. Daryl was ruthless when he needed to be, but removing the head like this was too personal and if Negan knew Daryl even a little bit, he would have done something more simple. No, this was someone else. 

"No," Negan said, moving the body onto its back. The headless body reminded him too much of Glenn and Abraham, especially with the amount of blood. It was never a good moment when he thought about his victims, especially when he was portraying a persona who was supposed to enjoy the kill rather than shying away from it. Shutting away those memories, Negan examined the other wounds carefully. 

Looking at the clean cut at the neck and then the two hits to the chest and eye, Negan realized something. It was a clean kill with a sharp blade. There wasn't any type of torture or prolonging of death. With the depth and width of the strikes, he finally recognized the blade.

Jesus' broadsword. _Your sword._

"Dammit," he muttered under his breath.

"Do you know who did this?" Alpha asked. Negan shut his eyes for a second before turning to her with his own neutral expression, not letting her see how affected he was by his discovery. 

"Couldn't say for sure, most of those assholes handle blades."

"Shame, he was a good soldier," said Alpha. Negan furrowed his brow.

"He was one of your men?"

"Sent him in to...gain information," she said. "Didn't think he'd be this foolish to be caught."

"Can't all be winners," Negan said, turning his attention back to the body. He had seen a lot of dead bodies since the world ended, but there was something about this one that was bothering him. You were not this...cold. At least not since he had gotten to know you. There was something off about the way you had done this. Anyone else, besides maybe Daryl, wouldn’t have noticed, but he did. 

Negan had only seen this deadly side of you a few times and it made him do a double-take every time. The first time had been that first night in the clearing. You were nearly out of it, blood trickling down your collar. 

He had just threatened Rick and was laying down the rules when his eyes had fallen on you. Dwight had to keep his hands on you in order for you to stay upright, but you were still hanging on. Your arm was reaching out to Daryl next to you, not quite touching him, but enough for the archer to know you were there. 

Your eyes, however, were switching from staring at the ground to staring at him. Negan wasn’t sure if you could actually see him at that point. Throughout his speech, his eyes kept flickering back to you as you fought to stay upright and awake.

When he killed Abraham, your eyes never left Lucille and the blood that dripped off her wooded form. It was only after he had Daryl pinned to the ground and Glenn’s blood was splashed against your face that you locked eyes with him and in those irises, he saw pure fury. It wasn’t long after that first look when you fell over from the head trauma. 

However, that one look was enough for him to remember you. The second time he saw that look was when he had brought Carl home from the Sanctuary. You didn’t seem to care about Spencer and while you were pissed about Olivia, nothing bothered you as much as seeing him parading Carl around Alexandria. While he didn’t speak to you, seeing your glare from the top of the Gazebo as he walked in had made him remember your face from the clearing. 

It was from then on that he found himself always looking for you when his people met yours. Little did he know that your talents with a rifle had _you_ always watching _him_ rather than the other way around. You were always so precise with your shots so he shouldn’t have been surprised to see how clinical you had been with Dante’s body. However, the idea of you removing his head and doing _this_ made him a bit sick. Though, he didn’t let Alpha see a second of that. 

“How are you going to retaliate?” Negan asked. 

“I have something in motion,” Alpha simply said. 

“Can I get a hint?” Negan asked with a sly grin. Alpha just looked at him with her signature look and Negan raised his hand in surrender. “No worries. Gotta win the boss’ respect, I get it. 

“You talk too much,” she observed as she turned away from the border. 

“So I’ve been told,” he said, catching up to her. “Force of habit, I’m afraid.” 

“Tell me more about these people who held you captive,” Alpha said. 

“Not much more to say,” Negan said. “Their old leader is dead and their new ones don’t really know what the hell they’re doing. Got some good fighters, but they don’t have a central person. They don’t have an alpha,” he said. 

“Then they have weak spots,” Alpha realized. 

“More than one, I bet,” Negan said. 

“Have you seen my daughter with them?” she asked and Negan forced himself not to hesitate. 

“Lydia, right?” he asked and Alpha nodded once. “She’s around, seems to be alright.” Negan tried to get a line on Alpha’s reaction to hearing about her daughter, but like with everything, the woman remained stoic. He also then noticed some discoloration on her arms. It didn’t take long for him to realize they were the same wounds that adorned Lydia’s arms. Negan fought to keep relaxed as he remembered what Alpha had done to her child. You had told him about the abuse, it was one night when he had been able to spend the night with you…

_Months earlier…_

_The cold air from the winter weather outside seemed to be seeping through the walls as if they were made of paper._

_Negan lay next to you in your bed, his arms securely around your waist. He had only woken up a few moments ago and couldn’t help but watch as you slept peacefully next to him. These nights when Michonne and Gabriel found that they still had a heart and would let him spend the night indoors rather than freezing in his cell were his favourite._

_Whatever the reason was, he was just happy to be there with you. With a deep breath, you turned towards him, slowly waking up. Your eyes opened just a bit to see him and when you did, a tired smile spread across your face. “Why are you awake?” you whispered._

_“Why are you?” he countered, leaning down to kiss your forehead. Being able to kiss you or hold your hand whenever he could, was the greatest gift anyone could have given him. Negan was desperate for your touch and whenever you gave it to him, he relished in it._

_Reaching up, you caressed his face as he leaned into your palm. Even with the cold weather, he had stripped off his shirt, using his own body heat to keep you as warm as possible. Dancing your fingers across the tattoos on his chest, he shivered under your touch. Just as he was about to pull you on top of him, a noise broke the tension._

_Confused, you both looked at each other before sitting up in bed. A second later and the noise happened again and Negan finally realized where it was coming from. Nudging you, he pointed over the side of the bed. Crawling to the edge, you looked down to see Lydia fast asleep on your floor, a blanket thrown over her as she softly snored._

_You and Negan shared a look then that said everything you both were thinking: the teenager was scared. Lydia must have snuck into your bedroom just as you both had fallen asleep. She had been staying in the guest room downstairs, but you now figured that she wasn’t used to sleeping alone._

_“Do we wake her?” you asked him. Negan shook his head, grabbing you again and pulling you back into bed. He slid his arms around you and tucked your head under his chin._

_“Let her sleep,” he said in your ear. “The girl has been through enough.”_

_“And yet she feels safe enough to sleep in here? She barely knows me, knows us,” you argued._

_“She trusts you,” he said. “She needs you.”_

_“She needs someone who can protect her from her mother,” you said. “I won’t let Alpha lay another hand on her. She is never going to be hurt by someone she loves again.”_

_“Her mother is abusive?” Negan asked and you just nodded._

_“Shit,” he swore, pressing his nose into the back of your neck._

_“I have to protect her, Negan,” you said as you rolled over and lay your head on his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart._

_“You will,” he promised. “We will.” Looking up at him, he leaned in and kissed you firmly before tugging the blanket up further onto your shoulders._

_“I love you,” you whispered._

_“I love you, too,” Negan said. “Forever.”_

Negan was pulled out of the memory as he and Alpha arrived back at the Whisperer’s main camp. An ache had opened up in his chest as he thought about you, but he kept it suppressed. He had come too far to mess up now. Especially since Alpha had taken an interest in him. 

As Alpha went off to do whatever she did during the day, Negan began scouting the camp. He checked out how many people were in her little army and the kind of weaponry they had. There was no way that she would have everything out on display for some newcomer, but he was getting a decent idea of who these Whisperers were and he hated them more by the second. 

It was a little while later when he ran into one of Alpha’s scouts. The man looked worried, but angry as well. “What’s got you all freaked out?” he asked the man. 

“Enemy near border,” was all the man said. 

“Did ya tell the boss?” 

“Can’t find the Alpha,” the scout said. 

“Big man went that way,” Negan said, pointing towards where he saw Beta disappear earlier. The scout nodded to him and went on his way. While Negan knew he should be doing more to be seen as a “team player”, curiosity got the best of him and he headed towards the border from which the scout was coming from. 

It wasn’t far, and he figured it was probably Carol trying to figure out a weakness in Alpha’s defenses. However, it could have been another body drop, which would only light Alpha’s fury even more. Then again, Negan wasn’t sure if she really cared if a few of her men and women were sacrificed for her greater good. Just another thing Negan hated about the woman. 

Continuing through the thick trees, it took him a bit longer to reach the ridge that looked over the specific border he was looking for. As soon as he made it to the tree line, he was struck by what he saw. It wasn’t Carol at all or even Daryl. 

It was you. 

You, and the young woman he knew as Enid, were walking along the invisible line that separated your territory from Alpha’s. Walkers were following you as you and Enid took them out with quick and fast strikes of your sword and her knife. 

His heart jumped in his chest at the sight of you. He couldn’t hear what you were saying, but there was something about your body language that made him worried. 

There was a hardness to you that he hadn’t seen in a while. There was no doubt in his mind now that you had been the one to put the Whisperer’s head on the pike. Watching as you killed the Walkers, all he wanted to do was reveal himself, to tell you that he was still there, but he couldn’t. Still, he didn’t move as you continued to cut down the undead enemy, whether it was risky or not.

* * *

The weather was heating up and you didn’t like it at all.

Kicking out at another Walker, you kept walking, ignoring Enid’s looks that she had been sending you since you had met up with her earlier in the day. “You know, if you want to say something, just say it,” you finally said. 

“I’m not sure you want to hear it,” Enid said. 

“Try me,” you said. Enid sighed but finally said her piece. 

"Antagonizing her wasn’t the best idea, (Y/N)," Enid said as she pulled her blade out of another Walker.

"What else was I supposed to do? I am sick of playing offense," you said, slashing down another Walker who came at you. Flicking away the blood off your sword you continued forward. It had been a long day and a long night. Siddiq was finally resting with Coco not far from him. Rosita was feeling better and everything back home was finally getting back to normal. It was only the external force that threatened your family now.

"You need a strategy," Enid said and even with your back turned to her, you knew that she was giving you one of her "doctor looks".

"I have one," you argued.

"Is that why Lydia is out there by herself?" Enid asked. Looking over your shoulder, you narrowed your eyes.

"I didn't tell you that for you to judge me," you said. After reviewing the maps, Lydia noticed a few landmarks that you had circled in red. She was sure that she knew where she could start looking. According to Lydia if Negan was your family, he was hers as well. Lydia had left early that morning with the promise that she would be back within a day or so.

"I can't believe you let her out there alone," Enid said.

"She knows what she's doing," you argued.

"She's a child!"

"So were you when you fought against the Saviors," you reminded her.

"That was different," Enid said.

"No it wasn't," you said. "Lydia was raised in this world. She knows what needs to be done and so do I."

"You're losing yourself in this vendetta against Beta and this drive to find Negan."

“Weren’t you just telling me that it was okay that I was still doing that?” you asked her. 

“I didn’t mean for you to go all _slasher film_ on Dante,” she accused. 

“I had to send a message,” you said, ducking under another Walker’s arms and shoving your blade into the back of its skull, sending it to the ground to join the others. 

“To Alpha or to Negan?” she asked. 

“Does it matter?” you snapped back. 

“You still think he’s around, don’t you?” she asked. Pausing, you took a moment to collect yourself. When you had invited Enid out to join you, you hadn’t expected a full-blown interrogation. You figured that she would still be rather reserved from the trauma she had sustained, but clearly, she was doing better than you thought. 

“Yes,” you said with a sigh. “I don’t know what he’s doing, but I don’t believe that he’s completely gone.”

“What if…” Enid began. “What if you’re wrong?”

“I’m not,” you said defiantly. “I can feel it. He’s not lost and I will find him.”

“Just prepare yourself, okay?” she offered, landing a comforting hand on your shoulder. You let the weight of her touch soothe you as you got your thoughts together. It hadn’t been that long since you had last seen him, but it had been long enough. Waking up in the middle of the night, you found yourself reaching for him next to you only to find the spot empty. That coldness that echoed in your blankets mimicked itself in your heart and it was only a matter of time before your entire body froze over. 

You needed him home and you needed him now. 

A chill ran up your spine just then, that feeling of being watched returning. Turning towards the tree line, you narrowed your eyes. You knew it was a risk to be this close to the border, but you were willing to risk it. However, if the Whisperers were watching you this closely, it wasn’t for regular observation. 

“What’s wrong?” Enid asked, noticing the change in your behavior. 

“We need to go,” you said, gripping your sword tighter. You began to move back towards the main road when your radio lit up. 

“(Y/N), come in,” Carol’s voice crackled over the line. 

“I’m here,” you responded. 

“I need you back home,” she said simply and that was all you needed. 

“On my way,” you said before hooking the radio back onto your belt. “Come on, I gotta get back,” you said to Enid who began to follow you to the point where you both would turn off to go home to your respective communities. Just as you were about to leave the clearing, you glanced back over at the tree line and you swore you saw someone watching you. 

* * *

Negan watched as you disappeared again and was frozen in that spot for a while before deciding to head back. 

It was dark when he finally returned to the camp. If anyone asked, Negan would say he got lost. He didn’t want to be around people and he didn’t want to be around Beta especially. He needed a moment to clear his head, though that did turn into several hours. 

Arriving back into the fold, Negan was glad to see that he wasn’t met with spears or blades. In fact, it seemed as if nobody noticed that he was actually gone. Negan figured that nobody would really care if he had left. Then again, as he approached the fire, he did happen to see one person who looked up as soon as he was in view. Alpha had returned from wherever she had been.

The woman looked incredibly determined and actually quite smug. It made Negan a bit nervous. Still, he sauntered over to her, leaning into his hips with that sly grin on his face. “Just the Alpha I was looking for,” he said. 

“What do you want?” she asked. 

“I wanted to talk,” he said. 

“About?”

“Well, I hear we're supposed to be keeping our eyes peeled for a spy lurkin' in the woods. I have an alternate theory to run by you,” Negan offered. Alpha gestured for him to sit down and he did. 

“Go on,” she said. 

“The spy you're looking for? Right here in your camp,” Negan said, enacting the next part of his plan. Divide and conquer. 

“My people know the enemy have nothing to offer except lies,” Alpha said. 

“Maybe they do. Maybe they don't. Believe it or not, I have been where you are right now. And if you don't want to end up where I am right now, I suggest you zig where I zagged,” said Negan. Alpha narrowed her eyes. 

“You and I, _very_ different,” Alpha said with a dismissive look, but Negan didn’t back down. 

“I had people. I had a system. I thought they believed in it, just like you,” a flash of Simon’s traitorous face echoed in his mind and Negan pushed it down. “See, the thing is, you stay king or queen long enough, with people telling you all day, every day that your shit don't stink, eventually, you start to believe it. The thing is it still stinks.”

“Who?” Alpha asked, getting impatient.

“Well, based on my own personal experience, I'd say look closer to home. And, no, I am not talkin' about Frankenstein's Hemorrhoid. That big dude is clearly a goose stepper. But the little one?” Negan said, referencing Gamma. “You see, she is close enough to you that she knows exactly where that horde is. But she guards the border, which means she's close enough to the enemy that they could've gotten to her.” 

Negan had overheard Gamma a day ago telling Alpha about a man with a metal arm. Negan wasn’t surprised to hear that Aaron was trying to be a hero. He was the type. However, this news did offer him an advantage. He didn’t think Alpha would care much about Aaron, which was good because his death was the last thing Negan wanted. He actually quite liked the man. Gamma, however, Negan didn’t care at all what happened to her.

Alpha didn’t like his tone all that much after his suggestion. “I will not have you sowing paranoia,” she said and then drew her knife, levelling it at his groin. “If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I will take these,” she said, pressing the blade to his jeans. 

“Fair enough,” Negan breathed as the blade bit into his inner thigh. When Alpha withdrew the blade, she returned to staring into the fire with a proud look on her face. While he didn’t plan on sowing any further paranoia, he had planted that small seed in her brain which was exactly what he wanted to do. After a moment longer, curiosity got the best of him.

“You look rather thrilled,” he said, breaking the silence. “Did I miss something while I was out taking my evening stroll?” he asked. Alpha looked back at him as she cleaned her nails with her knife. 

“Our problem won’t be lasting much longer,” she said and a coldness fell over Negan. He had a sudden image of your head on a spike and it made him feel rather sick. Like always, he pushed it down. 

“What did you do?” he asked in a teasing tone, leaning closer to her. Alpha looked at him and there was mischief in her eyes. It was the kind that made Gotham villains so special and the kind that Negan really didn’t like.

“Carol wanted the horde,” Alpha said slowly, “and so I gave it to her.” Negan didn’t know what that meant, but he didn’t like the sound of it. He knew that Carol was out for blood when it came to Alpha and that she had been quite reckless with her vendetta. He remembered the day he went home and found out that she had taken a shot at the leader of the Whisperers. He wouldn’t be surprised if she had tried again. However, based on how elated Alpha looked at the moment, it seemed that Carol had lost this round. 

Looking back at her, Alpha was watching him with a fire in her eyes that wasn’t solely mischief. If the circumstances were different and he wasn’t in love with you, he may have taken her up on the question that was so clearly written in her irises. Yet, he knew he wouldn’t. If there was any chance that he would get back to you, he didn’t need something that big weighing on him. You could forgive a lot, but him taking a tumble with the enemy would not be something you could turn the other cheek with. 

Negan distracted himself then, looking around the camp at the masked soldiers. However, one in particular was still missing.

Where was Beta? 

* * *

In the dark of a cave, survivors struggled to find the light. 

Then as night settled on Alexandria, a grave was no longer empty as a large shape, armed with knives, emerged into enemy territory.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Daryl and the others are fighting their way through Alpha’s trap, the reader comes face to face with their fear as Beta enters Alexandria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing, Violence
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Seven Nation Army” by The White Stripes
> 
> Note: So, this scene is a bit different. Judith is not in Alexandria at the moment as she’s with her mom in Hilltop. I am not removing Michonne from the story like she is in the show. So, this fight is gonna play out a bit different!

Arriving back home in Alexandria, Enid words followed you.

She was right, Lydia should not have been out there alone and it would be your fault if she got hurt or worse, fell back into the hands of her mother.

Even as you walked down the darkening streets of Alexandria, there was a part of you that didn’t care if Alpha took more lives and that terrified you. You loved your friends, your family, but if collateral damage was necessary for Beta and Alpha to die, then so be it. 

The bitter taste in your mouth followed you as you walked towards home. When you noticed Rosita pacing outside the cell, you slowed.

“What are you doing?” you asked. Rosita looked up at you and then walked forward wrapped her arms around you. 

Confused, you hugged her back before letting go. “Ro?” you asked again. 

“Sorry, I’m just… A lot has been happening,” she said. 

“Like what? I wasn’t gone that long.”

“Gamma is here,” Rosita said, gesturing towards the cell. 

_“What?”_ you asked, glancing towards the small window. 

“She arrived earlier, said she wants to help us,” Rosita said. 

“And you believe her?”

“I don’t know. That’s why she’s locked up,” Rosita explained. 

“You think she’s another spy?”

“No,” Rosita said, shaking her head. “Though, I don’t know what to do with her. I keep thinking about when Dwight switched sides.” Nodding, you understood where she was coming from. Dwight had given you valuable information that helped you win the war against Negan and his men. 

“Dwight had someone he cared about pushing him forward,” you reminded her. “Sherry was everything to him.” 

“Gamma has her nephew,” Rosita reminded you and you knew she was right. Earl had taken in the Whisperer baby after Connie had saved him from his mother abandoning him in the sorghum field. 

“Is Adam enough?” you asked. 

“I hope so,” Rosita said. “I don’t know if we can win this fight without her help.”

“Is that willingness I hear, Espinosa?” you asked. 

“It just might be, (Y/L/N),” Rosita countered. 

“Well, what does Daryl think? Michonne?”

“Michonne is a bit MIA at the moment. She’s travelling from Oceanside or to Oceanside, I don’t really know. Daryl however, is gone.” 

“What do you mean he’s _gone?”_ you asked, suddenly concerned.

“He, Jerry, Aaron, Connie, Kelly, Magna, and Carol got a lead on the horde. They went looking for it,” Rosita explained and you could see that she was worried as well. Sighing, you rubbed at your temples. This was why Carol had wanted you home. She needed someone to watch the front lines so she could go find Alpha’s Walkers. 

“They should have waited for me,” you said, clenching your fists. 

“I think _one_ unstable person is enough,” Rosita mumbled and then realized what she said. 

“Nice,” you quipped, storming past her. 

“(Y/N)!” Rosita tried, but you kept walking, not wanting to hear what she had to say. You weren’t stupid, you knew that you had been acting irrationally. That much was clear and you could see that when it came down to it, you were not thinking clearly. However, you couldn’t get Beta’s face out of your head. 

It would be a cold day in Hell before you let him win. Then again, you felt as if the last decade had been Hell on Earth. Still, you pushed on, ignoring the worried looks of your friends as you headed to your house. 

Gabriel was coming out of Rosita’s house as you passed the front steps and he looked as if he was going to say something, but didn’t. Considering how pissed you were, he must have figured it was better to give you a moment alone. 

Shoving open your front door, you let it slam behind you. You went straight to your garage. The overhead gaslight illuminated the myriad of maps laid out on your workbench only reminded you of the failure you had experienced when trying to find Negan. Lashing out, you swept your hand across the table, scattering the maps across the map. 

Bracing your hands on the table, you struggled to keep it together. “I _really_ need you,” you whispered to the empty room. A single tear dripped onto the old wood and you scrubbed the second from your cheek. Your knees sunk to the floor as you began to feel the loss of him again. 

“He’s not dead,” you reminded yourself. “He’s out there.” Even as you encouraged yourself, Negan’s face remained behind your eyes. Negan being alive was the only thing that was keeping you going. 

Sitting there on the floor of your garage, you thought back to a conversation you had during the war against the Saviors with the one and only Rick Grimes. 

_Eight Years Ago…_

_“Hey, Boss,” you said as you walked into Rick’s house._

_“You don’t have to call me that,” Rick said with a small smile._

_“Ah, well, it’s a force of habit. You are, in fact, our boss. One that I am more than willing to follow.”_

_“Well, thank you, (Y/N),” he said._

_“So, what’s up?” you asked, hopping up on the counter of his kitchen._

_“I need your advice on something,” he said._

_“Is this about Dwight?” you asked. “Because if it is, then I have to tell you that I don’t trust the weasel, no matter what he told Daryl.”_

_“It’s not,” Rick said with a small frown. “It’s about Negan,” he said._

_“What about him?”_

_“Carl thinks that he’s more than we think,” Rick said._

_“More than a psychopath who murdered our friends?” you asked, not liking where this is going._

_“Carl thinks we can reason with him.”_

_“And I think that the dinosaurs are going to come back,” you deadpanned. Rick gave you one of his looks, but you weren’t deterred by it. “Come on, Grimes, you don’t actually think that we can resolve all of this by a damn conversation, do you?”_

_“I want the killing to stop,” Rick said._

_“I know, I know,” you said. “I just don’t want you to lose focus.”_

_“You think I should kill him?” Rick asked, but you paused. Taking a moment, you reviewed everything that had happened since the Satellite Station._

_“I think,” you began, “that you should do whatever is necessary to protect our people.”_

_“What if that doesn’t include killing Negan?” Rick asked._

_“Then it doesn’t,” you said with a shrug. “Look, I don’t know the man. I haven’t had the opportunity to actually speak to him or see what’s behind the cocky grin so I can’t speak on his character. I believe in a person’s actions and so far, Negan’s have been horrendous. Do I think that maybe one day he can be a decent person? Yeah, sure. I don’t think anyone is truly lost, but the future is a long ways away and we need to think about surviving now.”_

_Rick was quiet for a moment before he looked back up at you and nodded. He then reached out and gripped your forearm and you mirrored the movement. “Thanks, Shots,” Rick said, using Carl’s nickname for you._

_“I’m always gonna be here, Rick. I ain’t never leaving you behind,” you promised. Rick smiled at you._

_“I know,” he said. “You never leave anyone behind. That’s why I love you so much, kid.”_

_“Not a kid,” you reminded him._

_“Shut up and take the compliment,” he said and then you pushed him back. Rick feigned surprised and then pushed you back. The two of you ended up wrestling in the kitchen, laughing the entire time. Regardless of what was to come, you would be by his side as one of his closest friends and that was all that mattered._

* * *

A loud thud pulled you from your thoughts. 

You waited, listening, and when you heard it again, you grabbed your sword and slipped out the side door, picking up a spare radio on the way. 

Pausing out front of your house, you searched the darkness around you. Something felt off and it made your skin crawl. Drawing your blade from its scabbard, you began to walk along the sidewalk, checking around every corner you could find. Your heart was hammering in your chest, but your breath remained steady. You were trying to rationalize that it could have been anything. Maybe a stray animal had gotten in and couldn’t get out. However, there was a part of your brain that knew how ridiculous that was. 

You never got this particular feeling unless it was for a good reason, or rather, a bad one. 

Slipping in between the houses, you searched darkened windows, checking in on your fellow Alexandrians, but everything seemed to be okay. That is until you came across a specific house. You could hear dull thuds as if someone was redecorating at the odd hour. 

Sneaking up to the front window, you peered into the dark living room. Suddenly, a pair of white eyes and a gaping jaw appeared at the window, startling you. As the freshly-turned Walker fought to get to you through the pane of glass, you noticed the slash mark on its throat. One that a very particularly large blade would make. 

_“Shit,”_ you swore and pulled your radio as you stumbled back from the house. “Gabriel?” you whispered into the radio as you tried to get your nerve back. 

_“What is it?”_ he asked, answering your call. 

“Walkers, there are Walkers inside the walls,” you said, finally turning away from the house. 

_“What?”_ he asked, confused. 

“Something’s wrong,” you whispered, looking around. It was then that you noticed a trail of fresh soil on the ground. If you hadn't been trained by the best tracker out there, you probably wouldn’t have noticed. However, the large boot prints in the soil only confirmed the fear in your mind. That fear turned to rage as your eyes began to scan for your target. 

For Beta. 

_“(Y/N),”_ Gabriel said. _“What is going on?”_ You went to answer him when you had a realization. 

“Gamma,” you gasped as you took off running, letting the radio crash to the ground as you ignored Gabriel’s worried tone that crackled over the line. You pushed your legs harder to get to Michonne’s house as quickly as possible. 

Throwing yourself down the cement steps, you burst into the jail that had its door broken down. When you beheld what was in front of you, however, you nearly crumbled to the ground. Instead of Gamma, you found Laura on the floor with blood across her face. 

Sliding to her side, you grabbed for her face and neck, checking for a pulse. “Laura? Laura, _wake up,”_ you begged. Her eyes opened weekly as she saw your face. 

“(Y/N)?” she asked. 

“I’m here,” you said, trying to wipe the blood from her face. Her blonde hair was soaked in her own blood as she struggled to stay awake. “It’s going to be okay,” you promised her. As you pulled back your hand, however, they were drenched in red. 

“Beta,” she choked out as blood dripped from her lips. _“Run,”_ she said, gripping at your shirt with weak fingers. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” you said to her as she kept staring into your eyes. “You’re not alone,” you whispered. Gripping her hands tight, you felt her trying to return the favor, but she was too weak. “Where is Gamma?” you asked her. 

“Got her out,” Laura said. “Safe… I… Think…” she said just as a tear fell from her eye. “I, I can’t,” she struggled. 

_“Shh_ , don’t talk,” you said, trying to soothe her, but you didn’t have any more words of comfort to offer her. How could you tell her everything was going to be alright when he had done _this?_

“Eugene,” Laura sputtered, choking a bit. “Tell him, thank...you.” 

“I will,” you promised as she reached for your face once more before her hand fell to her side and Laura drew her final breath _. “No, no, no,”_ you cried as her pulse dwindled and then stopped altogether. “No!” you yelled, clutching her body to yours. It was as if the world stopped spinning. You knew that there wasn’t a guaranteed amount of time, you knew that and you had to finish it before she came back. There was a universal agreement across all the communities, nobody turned.

Pulling the knife from her belt, you quickly slipped it into the base of her skull, silencing her soul. As you pulled the blade, you fell into her again, hugging her close to you. Your tears mixed in with the dirt and blood on her skin as you clung to her, not ready to let go.

“I’m sorry,” you cried into her neck, holding onto her with dear life. _“I’m so sorry.”_ As sorrow filled you, the anger began to boil over, nearly drowning you. Beta had done this. He had taken yet another person from you and probably enjoyed it too. Laura had been given a second chance after the war and he had stolen her life as if it meant nothing. 

Gently placing her down onto the floor of the jail, you shut her eyes with your steady hand. Taking a deep breath, you got to your feet and gripped your sword tight. Looking down at Laura again, you felt your heart breaking, but you ignored the pain and channeled it into fury. 

A loud crash came from above followed by a loud grunt. Turning from the body of your dead friend, you ran from the cell just to see Beta run from Michonne’s home, his knives in both his hands.

His large form was even more terrifying than you remembered. Daryl’s voice was in your head as you were reminded of what happened when Beta had fought him, but you weren’t Daryl and now, this was even more personal. 

As Beta turned his focus to Rosita’s home, you attacked. Drawing a smaller knife from your boot, you reeled your arm back and threw with all your strength. The knife embedded itself into Beta’s shoulder, making him stumble from surprise. You ran at him with all the speed you had left in you. 

Beta turned just as you raised your sword, aiming for his head. Beta ducked, parrying your blade with both of his. He knocked you back, but you returned with a strike aimed at his torso. Beta spun around, knocking you off balance, but you never stopped. 

Trading blows back and forth, you finally had another opening and aimed for his throat. Beta blocked once again, leaning in close as your blades scraped against one another. Looking into his eyes, you didn’t show an ounce of fear, but recognition lit up in his eyes as he groaned against the pain in his shoulder. 

_“You,”_ he spat, his lips pulling back in a sneer. 

“Yeah,” you said. _“Me.”_ Beta roared in anger as he kicked at your stomach, sending you to the ground. Rolling to your feet, you slashed at his leg, cutting into the back of his thigh. Beta stumbled again but remained on his feet. “Did you get my message?” you asked, lowering yourself into a crouch. 

He ran at you again, swinging his blades over your head. Ducking just in time, you avoided decapitation. “What did you do with Gamma?” you asked. 

“Nothing,” Beta said and then braced himself. “Yet.”

As Beta stalked towards you, all you could think about was Jesus and Tara and Laura and everyone else they had taken from you.

Red encompassed your mind as Beta aimed for your heart. With a quick turn, you pivoted on your right foot, ducked under his arms, and brought your sword up along his back. Your blade bit into his flesh as the leather tore. 

Beta yelled out in both pain and alarm as you drew your sword back. He whipped around, landing a blow to your head. You fell to the ground as stars danced in your vision. Beta kicked away your blade as it fell from your hand. Reaching down, he lifted you from the ground and got in your face. 

“You are not worth death,” he spat in your face before throwing you against the curb. Your head hit hard and just before the darkness overwhelmed you, you swore you saw Beta smiling.

* * *

Negan had no idea what Alpha was up to.

There were cryptic whispers around camp that led him to believe that Alpha had attacked Carol and the others, but he wasn’t sure of anything.

Then there was the Beta problem. Negan had no idea where the human Rottweiler had gone. 

Alpha was across from him, staring into the fire and she looked to be waiting for something. Negan wasn’t exactly sure what it was, but whenever she was that calm, it was never good. Just as he was about to speak up and ask her what was going on, her attention snapped to the shadows as Beta finally reappeared. 

Negan watched as the second-in-command arrived and he looked rough. Even in the dark, Negan could see that Beta was injured. If he was being honest with himself, he didn’t think the Terminator douchebag _could_ get injured, let alone bad enough to warrant a limp.

“Beta,” Alpha greeted as she didn’t move from her spot. Beta stopped before her, kneeling on the leg that seemed to be the less injured one. 

“Gamma has betrayed us,” Beta reported. He then noticed that Negan was there, but Alpha kept her attention on her second, not caring about who was listening. 

“What happened?” Alpha asked, looking at the fresh blood. 

“She was hiding,” Beta said. “I couldn’t find her. These people are protecting her.” Negan had to hand it to Aaron, the man sure did know how to make friends. Negan continued to listen. 

“And the blood?” Alpha asked tilting her head to examine the wounds he had sustained. Her fingers threaded through the torn jacket and Negan could see the blood on her hands as she pulled it back. “Yours?” she asked, confused. 

“Ambushed,” Beta responded. 

“The archer is with Carol,” Alpha said. “Who else could have done this?” she asked. Clearly Alpha thought that Daryl was the only worthy opponent to go up against Beta, Negan thought. However, she had never seen Rosita when she went all “Mama Bear” and Negan hoped that he himself would never be on the other end of one of Espinosa's fists.

_“Broadsword,”_ Beta bit out, the rage echoing out of him like steam on a train. At that one word, Negan’s blood ran cold. He tucked his hands under his legs before either of them could see the small tremor that was sneaking up on him. Negan fought to keep himself from swearing out loud as he put the pieces together. 

_You_ had attacked Beta and _you_ had nearly defeated him. 

“Are they alive?” Alpha asked casually. 

“For now,” Beta said. “I have plans for them. That one dies by my hand.” Alpha nodded to him and then dismissed him to get his injured taken care of.

“What do you know about this sword-wielder?” Alpha asked him. Negan met her eyes and then relaxed further into the ground, shrugging one of his shoulders. With a lazy look on his face, he vaguely waved a hand. 

Beta huffed and disappeared back into the camp. Negan watched after him, trying to keep it together. He knew that you had placed your sights on Beta, but now the man was turning his on you and that terrified Negan. 

“Absolutely nothing.”

* * *

When you woke up, you were in a somewhat familiar room. 

An ache in the back of your head made you wince as you tried to sit up.

“I would take it easy if I were you.” Blinking, you turned towards the soft voice to see Enid standing over you. It was then that you realized you were in the medical trailer at Hilltop. “Here,” she said, reaching for your arm. Enid helped you sit up, placing a few pillows behind your back. 

“What happened?” you asked, trying to get your mind to stop racing. 

“Beta knocked you out pretty hard,” she said with a sigh. “You hit your head and you’ve been out for almost two days.”

_“Two days?”_ you asked.

“Siddiq brought you here to keep you off Beta’s radar,” she explained.

“That won’t last long,” you said with another wince as you rubbed at your temples.

Everything from that night was coming back in waves and it was making you feel a bit nauseous. Emotions swelled in your chest as you remembered the rage you felt when attacking Beta and the sorrow and dread you felt as Laura died in your arms.

Beta had done all of that _just_ to find Gamma. A stranger had brought death back to Alexandria and you now had lost someone who truly understood you.

“Laura’s dead,” you whispered.

“I know,” Enid said, reaching for your hand. You squeezed hers back as you sat in silence. 

“Where is she?” you asked. “Where is Gamma?” 

“Safe,” a new voice said as Michonne approached you. She was looking at you with concern but also relief. 

“Good,” you said, nodding. If Gamma had been taken or killed, all those lives lost the night Beta stalked Alexandria would have been for nothing. “I’m glad you’re here,” you said to Michonne. 

“We’re all here,” Judith’s voice piped up as she appeared behind her mother. 

“Hey, you,” you said, reaching out a hand to her. Judith walked forward and took your hand in hers. “I almost got him, kid. I was pretty damn close,” you promised her. Judith nodded as Michonne placed her hands on her shoulders.

“There’s something else, (Y/N),” Michonne said. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Daryl’s missing.” You fell back into your pillows at the news and you fought the urge to scream. You didn’t know how much more of this you could handle. It was starting to look as if Alpha may win and that made you want to beat her that much more.

* * *

Holding a mask made from Walker skin was the last thing Negan expected to receive from Alpha.

"You've earned it," Alpha said as she stood next to him. Standing next to her, he could see the blood that streaked her clothing. Something had happened when she went off on her own hours before. Negan figured she had been in a fight, but he couldn’t be sure who she had gone up against. 

He did know that it wasn’t you. Beta was someone who would be a challenge for you, but Negan had a feeling that if you got Alpha one on one, she wouldn’t be standing next to him right now. No, this was someone else. Trying not to think about any of it, he returned to what was in his hands. 

"Why?" Negan asked, not liking the way the leathery skin felt against his calloused hands.

"You were right about Gamma," Alpha said. She then stepped forward and ran her hand down his arm. "She was the spy. You proved yourself to me."

"All I did was share my opinion," Negan pointed out as he met her eyes. Alpha was examining him and Negan knew what she wanted. His hand slipped into his pocket to rub along the marble, keeping his connection to you.

"You showed me that you want this. You are a crass man, but a smart one. The mask proves my loyalty to you as your words proved it to me."

"Well alright then," Negan said with a small smile. With a shake of his head, Negan pulled on the mask and secured it behind his head.

He could appreciate the irony, the act of putting on a mask when he was already wearing one. As soon as it was in place, Alpha reached up and ran her hands over his new face.

"Perfect," she whispered. Negan stared down, afraid of what he may have to do in order to keep his cover. He had done a lot of shitty things in his life, but sleeping with the enemy was not something he was eager to do, not when he still yearned for you and your touch.

The way that you lay your hands on his skin was as if you were searching for solidity kept him sane. He was your rock, grounding you into this world just as you were his. Without you, Negan wouldn't want to survive and he just hoped you hadn't lost that love you held for him because he sure hadn't. 

“Since we are trading trade secrets and all,” Negan began, causing Alpha to stop looming over him. “I had another idea.” 

“Go on,” she said.

“I know you are all about destroying everyone and proving you’re the alpha female. Though it’s not like you need to, you are the damn Alpha.”

“Your point?” she pressed. 

“How about we get them to _join_ us?” Negan offered. “You were right when you said that these places with their walls and doors don’t last very long. I’ve seen many kingdoms fall since this whole shit show started and trust me, it’s only a matter of time. However, we get them to see how much better the way we live is…” Negan splayed his hands. “I’m just saying it would be something to think about.” 

Alpha was silent for a moment, thinking over his words. Negan was just hoping that she didn’t see the true intentions behind this sudden epiphany. The truth was, after Beta had admitted that you had done some serious damage, Negan was not eager for Alpha to exterminate you and your family. 

“What did you have in mind?” Alpha asked finally. Adjusting the mask on his face, Negan grinned at her. 

“I have some ideas.” Alpha raised her eyebrow at that but gestured for him to keep talking. “First, we’re gonna need a big ass tree.”

* * *

Enid had finally cleared you and you were eager to get back on your feet. 

Walking out into the bright sunshine, Hilltop was bustling around you. You felt as if you had the worst hangover in history, but you pushed on. Dianne was on watch, Alden was over at his blacksmithing station, and you could see Ezekiel over at Barrington speaking to Kelly who looked distraught. 

Aaron spotted you then and jogged over. “Hey, you’re okay,” he said, grabbing you into a hug. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” you said, pushing him back. “What happened while I was out?” you asked, gesturing to Kelly. Aaron sighed, running his hand through his curls. 

“Alpha, she trapped us in this cave full of Walkers. Her entire horde was down there,” he said. “We managed to find the exit, but…”

“But what?” you pressed.

“Carol tried to take out the horde with some old dynamite,” he said. “The explosion caused part of the cave to collapse.” The look on Aaron’s face told you enough. 

“Who?”

“Magna and Connie are trapped down there and we don’t know if they’re even alive,” he said. You hadn’t known Magna that well, but you liked her enough. However, Connie had become someone you turned to at times and you knew how much Daryl cared about her. Not to mention her sister who was her everything. This was too much after just losing Laura and now two more may be down.

“Are _you_ okay?” you asked him. 

“Not really,” he admitted. You took him back into your arms, hugging him tightly. 

“Me neither,” you admitted, sinking into the embrace. 

“Open the gates!” you heard Dianne yell from her spot up top. You and Aaron split apart then and with a look, you both took off towards the main gate. 

You let out a breath of relief as you saw who was walking into Hilltop. Daryl and Lydia leaned on each other as the gates shut behind him. Daryl seemed dead on his feet as Lydia struggled with both of their weapons. You ran forward and grabbed the crossbow from her as Aaron took hold of Daryl. 

“Daryl fought her,” Lydia said as she breathed heavily. Daryl’s leg was bleeding, and he looked as if he had been run over by the horse _and_ the carriage. Michonne came running behind you, helping Lydia stay on her feet. 

“You’re a moron,” you said to Daryl, grabbing at his face. “But I love you.” Daryl snorted and then you were taking his other arm and helping him to Enid. Lydia followed close by as Michonne carried her staff for her. “I’m sorry, Lydia,” you said to her. “I shouldn’t have asked you to go looking.”

“It was my decision,” Lydia defended. “I didn’t find him, but we have a new problem.” You, Aaron, Michonne, and Daryl all looked at her then. 

“What is it?” Michonne asked. Lydia grimaced. 

“My mother’s coming.”


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our survivors are faced with a massive battle and the reader comes across something that shatters the ground beneath their feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing, Description of Violence and Death, Angst
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Heart of Glass (Crabtree Remix)” by Blondie
> 
> Note: This is something that I have had written for months. Well, the last bit is.

Daryl immediately wanted to move the kids and you were in agreement. 

Regardless of what Alpha was planning, Judith, RJ, Gracie and all the others needed to leave Hilltop as soon as possible. Once Lydia had announced that Alpha was finally making her big move against the community, everyone was on high alert. 

Aaron and Alden were rushing around looking for any weapon they could find. It was a flurry of chaos and even with all the training everyone had been doing, you felt as if you were a fish out of water, gasping for breath. 

Daryl was loading up the kids, planning to take them to Oceanside. You stared as RJ who was wearing Daryl’s vest and Judith’s hat skipped towards the carriage. He was blissfully unaware of what was to come and you knew his mother was having a difficult time with all of it. 

Michonne would be accompanying the caravan to Oceanside, but then she would ride back with the others in preparation for the battle. Lydia was almost certain that her mother was finally unleashing her horde. Carol became livid at this information, but considering she was at fault for Connie and Magna becoming trapped, she remained quiet. 

You, however, didn’t hesitate to tell everyone that if they weren’t on their total A-game, they would be slaughtered within an hour or so. It wasn’t as if you had never faced a large amount of Walkers before. The farm, the quarry outside of Alexandria, even the one you led towards the Sanctuary had been massive. However, they had never been fully sent to your doorstep while masked men and women encouraged them forward. 

None of it was natural and all of it was bone-chilling. 

From the watchpoint, you watched as the caravan moved out. Daryl and Michonne nodded to you as they left and you waited until they were out of sight before going in search of Eugene. 

Rosita had said that he had been spending a lot of time in the attic trying to perfect the radio that Hilltop had. You weren’t surprised to hear that. Eugene always needed to be fiddling with something. Since he had come to live at Hilltop, you had barely seen him, but right now you really needed to speak with him. 

As you headed towards Barrington, you saw him walking out of the Colonial house. He was dressed for battle and as soon as you locked eyes, he frowned slightly and then he was walking towards you. Eugene stopped about a foot away and took a deep breath. 

“I’ve been looking for you,” you said to him. 

“I know,” he said, nodding. “I’ve been...busy.”

“Haven’t we all,” you said with a sigh and then gestured to one of the picnic tables. Eugene took a seat across from you. “I’m sorry about Laura,” you said. 

“I’m sorry, too,” he said. “I know that the two of you had become quite close since our sides stopped trying to kill each other.” 

“Very well put,” you said with a small smile. “Eugene, Laura, as she died, told me to tell you, ‘thank you’." The look on Eugene’s face changed instantly at your words. 

For as long as you had known him, Eugene Porter had been an emotional man. It didn’t matter what he was feeling, he felt it harder than anyone else you had ever known. 

“It is _I_ who should be thanking _her_ ,” Eugene said softly. “Laura took care of me when I was brought to Negan during the war. Even after all the drama had dwindled down, she was there.”

“You helped her get settled into Alexandria,” you reminded him. 

“That was nothing. That woman could adapt to anything at all. She was like a cuttlefish, you know? Laura could blend into any environment she was thrown into, but she always stood out to those who knew what to look for.”

“She was a very beautiful cuttlefish,” you agreed, getting a smile out of him. 

“That she was,” he agreed. There was a wistful look in his eyes as he stared off into the distance. You were always wondering what he was looking at when he did that. It was as if he could see into the future. You wondered if that was how he knew so much. 

“So, are you going to tell me what you’re doing with all that radio equipment upstairs?” you asked. 

“If I told you, I’d have to kill you,” he joked. 

“Ah, well, we wouldn’t want that,” you said with a small laugh. 

“Do you actually want to know?” he asked. You nodded, leaning forward on your elbows. “You have to swear to secrecy, I have already made Ro do it.”

“I swear, Eugene,” you said. Eugene then looked around quickly before leaning in close. 

“I have been in contact with someone outside of the Alexandria-Oceanside-Hilltop circle,” he admitted. That wasn’t what you were expecting to hear at all. 

“Come again?”

“Her name is Stephanie and I think she may actually be a real person who may actually be...into me,” he finished. 

“And we are sure that you’re not being catfished, right?” you asked. 

“The only catfish I know of is the kind that is battered, fried, and dipped in tartar sauce my friend,” Eugene said. 

“Fair enough,” you said. “Okay, so what are you doing about this Stephanie?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, where is she?” 

“Unclear,” Eugene answered. 

“Does she know where you are?” you asked, your concern growing. 

“No, I have not divulged my location. I like her, but I do not trust her at the current moment. At least not enough to expose our friends to a potential stranger.” 

“Good,” you said, sighing in relief. 

“You are taking this news much better than Rosita did,” Eugene pointed out. 

“I am not one to judge when it comes to a flirtation,” you said.

“No, I suppose you aren’t.” 

“Just please be careful, Eugene. Rick once thought he was speaking to someone and it turned out to be the beginning of insanity,” you said, remembering those days that followed Lori’s death. 

“I can assure you that my noggin is functioning as well as can be,” he promised. 

“Good,” you said with a firm nod. Sighing, you unhooked your sword and laid it on the table, stretching out your arms.

“I like seeing that there blade on your side, (Y/N),” Eugene said. 

“It took me a while to feel that way,” you admitted. 

“He loved you,” Eugene said, running his hand over the scabbard, “I know he is proud that you carry this.” 

“Thank you,” you said. 

“Do you know what I’m thinking right now?” he asked. 

“What?” 

“The war against your man was a lot easier than what we are dealing with now.”

“I agree,” you said with a sigh. 

“We had plans with the Saviors. Even myself had a few tricks up my sleeve.” 

“I remember,” you said. 

“But now? Now we are swimmin’ up you-know-what creek with our pie holes wide open,” Eugene said. 

“I love the positivity,” you snorted as you watched Earl and Alden carry the shields towards the main gate. 

“I am just trying to be real, mi amigo,” Eugene said. 

“I know,” you said. “Thanks, Porter.” 

“Anytime,” he said. 

“I _am_ sorry I couldn’t save her,” you said. Eugene then reached across the table and took your hand in his. 

“Not your fault. Laura was one tough woman and she wouldn’t want you wallowing like this.” 

“I know, I know,” you said, waving him off. 

“Good, so stop it. We have a battle to prepare for and I suspect that scary ole Herman Munster is gonna be gunnin’ for you.” You couldn’t stop the snort that came after those words.

“Did you just make a Munsters reference?” you asked, trying not to laugh. 

“I did and I think it’s highly appropriate,” he defended. 

“If you met Beta, you wouldn’t think so.” 

“Well, then, I hope I never do.”

You nodded, trying to keep your thoughts focused on anything but Beta and what was to come. Instead, you tried to focus your mind and get yourself battle-ready.

It wasn't long after when the doors to Hilltop opened again. Although, instead of just your fighters, the entire group returned, kids and all. Confused, you approached the group and when Daryl looked at you, you knew something was wrong. 

As Michonne helped unload the kids, he approached you. 

“What happened?” you asked, crossing your arms. 

“Nothing,” he huffed. “They just cut us off.” Daryl was avoiding looking in your eyes and a sinking feeling entered your chest. 

“No,” you said, shaking your head. “There’s more.” 

“It’s not important,” he snapped, pushing past you. His limp wasn’t getting any better and it made you nervous. Lydia had said that she had found him nearly bleeding out on the floor of the greenhouse. You knew that if she hadn't found him then there would have been a good chance that he would be dead right now. 

That, however, didn’t account for how he was acting right now. “Daryl,” you said, following him. Jogging to get in front of him, you planted your feet in his path. “Tell me.” 

He seemed to hesitate, but then after a moment, he gave in. “Alpha killed our scouts, okay?” he said. “Strung them up in the trees as a message or a warning… I don’t know. Judith saw it and it pissed me off.” 

Narrowing your eyes, you tried to see what else he was hiding, but you couldn’t see past the rage that was in his blue eyes. “And that’s the only thing that happened?” 

“Yeah,” he said, “that’s it.” You were silent for another beat before nodding. 

“Fine,” you said and he returned the nod before pushing on towards Barrington to get ready. You didn’t believe him when he said that there wasn’t any more, but you couldn’t risk being distracted. Not when the children were remaining in Hilltop. Your focus needed to be on them and the fight. You just hoped that no more surprises would creep up on you. 

Michonne watched you from afar as you headed to the blacksmith to get your blade sharpened and only felt dread at what Daryl had figured out after seeing the roadblock. If you found out before the battle was over, Michonne was worried that you wouldn’t make it out of this one alive. 

* * *

As the war parties began to form, you began to take laps around Hilltop to make sure everything was in order. 

It was now a waiting game as the horde made its way towards the community. Nerves were everywhere and you could tell that people were getting scared. The kids were being locked up tight and Ezekiel was in charge of getting them to safety if it came down to it. 

You had no idea what to expect and it was then that you realized that everyone had been right. There was a plan with the past wars, you always seemed to know enough to get you through each day. However, with the Whisperers, everything was too chaotic and nobody had any answers. 

“Hey,” Daryl said as he came up behind you. 

“Is Ezekiel good?” you asked. You had walked in on a very awkward conversation a few moments earlier. You didn’t know what they were talking about, but it seemed tense. 

“He’s fine,” he assured you. Nodding, you turned to him, checking him over. “I’m fine, too.” 

“Alpha beat the shit out of you, Daryl,” you reminded him.

“Beta did the same to you,” Daryl said. “You don’t see me followin’ you around.” 

“I can’t be worried?” you asked. 

“Nah, you can be,” he said, reaching out to place a hand on your shoulder. “We’re gonna be alright, (Y/N).”

“We don’t have enough fighters,” you said, gesturing to the people around you. 

“We got enough,” he said. “Don’t count anyone out, alright, they know what we’re fightin’ for.” 

“What _are_ we fighting for?” you asked. 

“Our future.”

* * *

You went looking for Lydia as night fell, but Enid found you first. 

“You got a minute?” she asked. Enid was outfitted for battle. Kingdom armor was strapped to her body and a new blade was on her back along with her smaller knives. You figured that Alden had hooked her up and made sure her weapons were in the best shape. 

“What’s up?” you asked. Enid took you over to her trailer and from inside the door, she pulled out a small bundle. The black material in her hand was heavy and even in the low light, you recognized it. “Enid, no,” you said, shaking your head. 

“You already have his sword, why not his coat, too?” 

“Because Aaron should have it,” you said as you stared at Paul’s leather duster in her arms. It was rare when he went anywhere without it. You had been a bit surprised when he wasn’t wearing it the day that he died. 

“Aaron said the same thing about you,” Enid said. “He has everything in Jesus’ room to pick from. Aaron loved him, but you were his partner and his best friend. Take the damn coat,” she said as she shoved it into your arms before walking away with a smile.

Stripping off your other coat, you shook out the duster and slung it around your shoulders. It was surprisingly light and fit you well. The thick material had stopped Walker bites for years. You could remember the many times that Paul had sat on your porch mending his coat. He had always said that it was his armor and now, it was yours. 

* * *

You found Lydia just as Aaron called for formation. The groans of the Dead were in the distance and every growl sent a bolt of adrenaline into your heart. 

“I need you to promise me something,” you said as you grabbed her arm. Lydia was holding her staff, also suited up in armor. Her eyes were wild as she looked at you and you knew she was terrified. “If it comes down to it and Alpha comes for you, you run.” 

“(Y/N)...” she tried, but you shook your head. 

“No, you run and that’s final. She is _not_ getting you again and I swear on my life that I will protect you from her. However, I can’t do that unless you listen to me and save yourself first. Do you understand?” Lydia was quiet for a moment before she nodded. 

“I understand,” she promised. 

“Good, now get ready,” you said, “and aim for the head.”

Leaving Lydia with the main group, you pushed out towards the front lines. Your coat flew out behind you as you drew your sword. Aaron was calling out orders as Dianne was instructing her archers. Michonne and Aaron stood at the front, their weapons raised as the dark mob of Walkers approached. 

Stepping up beside them, you let the fear drain from your body as your mind tuned everything out and you could only focus on the task at hand. Michonne turned to you and noticed your new ensemble and smiled softly. 

“Here they come!” Aaron announced. “Hold!” You and Michonne braced for impact as Daryl came walking through the gates, a morning star hanging from his hands. You didn’t know what was going to still be standing after the night was over, but you weren’t going down without a fight.

* * *

As the first wave of Walkers hit, Aaron rallied with a battle cry and after a silent prayer to the universe, you swung your sword. 

The clashing of weapons reverberated around you as if you were stuck inside an old bell tower. There wasn’t time to stop and figure out where anyone was. You had to keep moving as Walkers were coming at you from all sides. 

The barrier was holding, but stragglers were getting through and people were getting pushed back by the Dead who desperately wanted to feast on you and your family. Sweat ran down your back as you pushed against the front lines, arrows flying over your head as Dianne unleashed her archers. Now and then you would hear a scream as one of your fighters succumbed to the Walkers, but you couldn't stop. 

Spinning around, you grabbed hold of a large Walker that was reaching for Ezekiel. With two quick strikes, the creature was on the ground with its head split in two. You quickly grabbed for the next one before it could go after the King again. 

Your arms were aching and the air was thick with the smell of blood. You had lost Lydia in the crowd, but you were hoping that she would keep her word and run if it came down to it. So far, you hadn’t seen Alpha or Beta. The fact that you hadn’t seen many of the Whisperers worried you, but you never let your guard down. 

“Watch their hands!” Daryl bellowed across the battlefield. You turned just in time to see Daryl duck under a blade as the enemy attacked him. Daryl kicked the Whisperer in the back and then cracked them in the head with his chained weapon. 

Daryl was fighting his way towards you when one of the barriers broke down and Walkers fell upon you and your group. Fighting in such close quarters with your people was a lot more difficult than you had anticipated. Usually, you could kill a bunch of Walkers with a few swings of your sword, but now you had to make sure that those strikes didn’t hit your own people. It was as if you were moving through quicksand or a jungle and vines were pulling at you from all directions. 

Aaron called for everyone to reform, but everyone was too spread out. Everything you had been training for was falling apart as the Dead converged. Hot blood and the smell of rotting flesh overwhelmed you as you shoved your way through more Walkers. Just as you went to sink your blade into another skull, the Walker moved, brandishing a knife. 

The Whisperer charged for you, but you managed to slide your blade across their chest, opening up a thick and deep wound. They screamed in pain and with a tug, you tore their mask from their head. It didn’t take long for the Walkers to notice and with the disguise gone and fresh blood draining from their body, the Whisperer went down as the Dead began to feast. 

* * *

Negan stood back as he listened to the screams from Hilltop.

Behind the mask he wore, his jaw was rigid as people died and he watched. Alpha was next to him, her eyes lit with excitement. “I thought we were going to make them join us,” he said to her. 

“And they will,” Alpha said, looking at him. “As part of my horde.” 

“All of them?” Negan asked, trying not to show his disgust. 

“Every single one,” she said as she took a few steps back. To his left, a Whisperer handed Negan a bow and he took it without question. This was not what he had planned when he set up the roadblocks. There was always the chance that Alpha wasn’t going to listen to him, but he thought that maybe this time she actually would. 

All around him, Whisperers drew slingshots and loaded them with what Negan knew to be sap bombs. He had watched as Alpha instructed her people to fill them that morning. The tree sap would act as an accelerant for the fire arrows that Negan now held in his hands. 

As the sap was deployed, Negan lit his arrow, drew back his bow, and aimed. “Forgive me,” he whispered as he released and let the burning projectile engulf Hilltop in a blaze of fire. 

* * *

Walkers were entering from every direction fighting to break through the main barrier when suddenly a thick substance crashed down onto the battlefield. 

Luke, who was standing next to you gasped as it covered him. “What the hell is this?” he yelled. “It smells like a Christmas tree!”

He was oddly right and as you tried to wipe it off, your eyes caught Lydia who was screaming something, pointing to the sky. She was covered in the fragrant mixture and it wasn’t until you saw the fire arrows raining down that you understood.

They had essentially doused you in gasoline.

“Find cover!” you screamed as the first arrows hit. The barrier lit up in scorching flames causing those at the front to fall back. Someone was running and screaming as they caught fire from the makeshift accelerant. 

“It’s tree sap!” Lydia yelled as she ran to you, pulling you away from the flames. “This whole place is going to go up.” 

“Daryl!” you yelled. “Daryl!” your eyes scanned for him and in the dark, you finally spotted one blue wing illuminated by the fire that began to travel. His eyes found you and you waved your arm back towards Barrington. He nodded, understanding what you were trying to say. “Fall back!” you screamed and you could hear Daryl yelling the same in the distance. 

Just as you ran for the main gates, the final barrier broke and the horde was unleashed. Lydia’s hand slipped through yours as she was swallowed up into the crowd. “Lydia!” you screamed, trying to fight through the Walkers, but there were too many. 

Running towards the gate, you met Daryl who was leading the charge when suddenly a wall of fire blocked your path, trapping you outside the safe walls of Hilltop. Daryl and you shared a look of panic as the flames leapt up the walls. Shying away from the heat, you turned only to dive out of the way as a large piece of wood from the watch post came crashing down, taking two archers with it. 

“Move!” Carol screamed from the top of the wall as she ducked to avoid another air assault. The Dead were suffocating as you sprinted through them, shoving at their rotting bodies. You were searching for an opening, but all you could see were flames and Walkers as they surrounded Hilltop. A shout of alarm came from behind you and when you turned, you saw Yumiko staring at the horde with wide eyes. Looking closer, you finally saw what she saw. 

It was Magna and she was covered in blood. 

You didn’t have enough time to see if she was alive or dead before another piece of the wall came down and you had to roll out of the way so you didn’t get hit. As soon as you were on the ground a Walker crashed down on top of you. Its teeth tore at the sleeve of your coat and then you were using all the strength you had left to kick it off and slam the heel of your boot into its eye, crushing its skull. 

Grabbing your sword, you stared up at the burning community and felt as if the flames were sucking the oxygen from your lungs. 

* * *

Negan watched on as the horde fell upon Hilltop, taking down its walls and trampling everything Maggie, Tara, and Jesus had built. 

He could barely make out specific shapes in the darkness as he stayed behind enemy lines with Beta, Alpha, and a few others. He still fired arrows when ordered to and never questioned it. It was as if he was on autopilot as he just tried to survive the night. However, he knew that while he may have been safe, the death toll on the other side was going to be growing as the morning approached.

Negan was loading another arrow into his bow as a lone fighter slid down a small embankment at the edge of the community. He watched as their sword cut down a Walker in one strike as a long coat flared out around them. It took him less than a second to recognize that it was you. 

He could see that you were yelling something as you fought. Your head was whipping back and forth as you searched the area around you, but Negan couldn’t figure out what you were looking for. Or who. Two Whisperers then ran at you and you managed to take out the first, but the second one grabbed you by the neck and took you down to the ground. 

Negan’s hand twitched on the string of his bow, but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t do anything but watch as you struggled underneath the weight of your attacker. Suddenly from out of the shadows, a small figure came running with their blade raised. 

Negan nearly choked as he recognized the small stature and the old sheriff’s hat.

* * *

The Whisperer that had you pinned suddenly went still as a shape leaned over them. 

Shoving the body off of you, you looked to your savior and nearly broke as it was Judith who stood there. Her eyes were wide as she stared down at the body. “Judith,” you said carefully. Her wakizashi shook in her hand, but only slightly. 

“They were going to kill you,” she said in a hushed whisper. 

“Come on,” you said, getting to your feet. “Judith, look at me,” you ordered and she did.  “I need you to focus. You have to get out of here,” you said. Judith then whipped her head as if she had heard something. It was then that you realized she had. 

Michonne was bent over not too far from the two of you, clutching at her shoulder. You and Judith took off in her direction, both of your swords slicing down Walkers as they approached. You reached Michonne just as a Whisperer aimed their weapon at her head. 

Without hesitation, you took the Whisperer's head clean off with a hard strike. Your wrist stung from impact, but you managed to keep hold of your blade. “Where’s Ezekiel!” you screamed over the battle as Michonne was staring at her daughter in shock. “Michonne!”

“I don’t know!” she said. “Why aren’t you with your brother?” Michonne asked Judith. 

“(Y/N) almost died!” Judith screamed and you could tell that she was still reeling from the kill she had just made. You just hoped that the adrenaline that was coursing through her veins would be enough to keep her on her feet for now. 

“We have to go,” you said to Michonne who nodded to you. 

“(Y/N)!” Michonne then yelled as a group of Walkers crashed through the wall next to you. Backing up, you and Michonne each took point next to Judith who stayed between you both. In a single movement, all three of you raised your blades and after a breath, all three of you attacked the Dead. 

Judith went low as you and Michonne went high. The younger Grimes cut them off at their ankles, sending them down and finishing them off with well-placed hits to the head while her mother took out three at a time. You kept to the outside ring, taking out any that tried to get to your family. 

The sound of steel hitting bone echoed for another minute or so before it stopped altogether. Michonne, Judith, and you were all breathing heavily as Walkers lay at your feet. Coughing from the smoke, you reached for the Grimes family. 

“You need to find Ezekiel,” you said. 

“Judith!” a voice rang out then. “Judith!” Michonne turned quickly to see Earl running towards you, a blade in his own hands as he fought his way to her. 

“Earl?” Michonne asked. 

“Ezekiel sent me to get her,” he said. “Michonne, I have her, I swear,” he said to her. Michonne looked at him and then back at her daughter. She then pressed a kiss to her forehead, hugged her, and then all but threw her at him. 

“Get to RJ!” Michonne said. “Keep your brother safe, I will find you!” 

“Mom!” Judith cried. 

“I love you, Judith!” she screamed as Earl dragged Judith away. She didn’t hear the response before Early picked her up and ran through the smoke. 

“Michonne,” you said, gripping her arm, “she’s going to be fine. We have to keep fighting.” 

“Get to Aaron,” she said in a rushed tone, barely looking at you as she searched the battlefield. “I have to get to Daryl and find Carol,” she said.

“Meet at the rendezvous point!” you yelled as she took off running. 

“I’ll meet you there!” she called over her shoulder as her tall form disappeared in the direction her daughter had. Spinning around, you searched for any sign of Aaron, but all you could see were the Dead. Fighting your way through the Walkers, you stumbled as a large panel of the wall fell to the ground, crushing Walkers as well as Hilltop fighters. 

“Aaron!” you cried, “Lydia!”. However, no answer came and you were getting nervous. You couldn’t see any members of your family over the horde that was still moving over the blood-stained land. Just as you were going to begin searching the dead for Lydia, two hands grabbed you from behind. 

You shouted out in surprise as you spun away from your assailant. Looking up, you stumbled back as Beta loomed over you once again. _“No,”_ you gasped, tripping over a dead body. Fighting to stay on steady legs, you gripped your weapon tighter. “This is not how I'm dying!” you screamed at him. Beta didn't answer as he drew his blades and got into a fighting crouch. However, before he could attack, a flash of red hair came from behind him and ripped at his mask, tearing it in two. 

You watched in shock as Gamma clung to him, digging her nails into his face. “Run!” she screamed at you as he fought to tear her off. You stumbled back as Gamma fought against the man who had terrorized her. Pushing down all the thoughts that you had about the woman, you turned and ran as fast as you could. As much as you wanted to kill him, there was no possible way you would win this fight. 

And so, you kept running as Hilltop crumbled to the ground. 

* * *

The morning was harsh as the fire still burned.

You had been walking for what felt like hours. You couldn’t find anyone and it had taken you a long time to get your head right before remembering where the rendezvous point was. Once the sun began to rise, you found North and got your bearings. 

The sun was well into the sky by the time you heard voices. Your body hurt, blood was all over you, and you hadn’t stopped shaking since Gamma had attacked Beta. You tried to prepare yourself for what you were about to find. Who had made it? Who hadn’t? Those questions followed you through the dying trees as you dragged your blade along the dried leaves. 

Jesus’ coat felt as if it weighed a ton on your back, but you kept pushing. You figured Hilltop was gone and that shook you to your core. First Kingdom and now Hilltop were gone. Oceanside and Alexandria remained the only standing homes and you felt as if it were only a matter of time before they fell too. 

Stepping into the clearing, you were met with the point of a crossbow. “Rude,” you muttered, knocking the bow out of your face. 

“(Y/N)?” Daryl gasped as he grabbed you into a hug. You held him back, feeling the exhaustion weighing on you. 

“Hey,” you said, stepping away from him. You then leaned heavily on him as he helped you back to your people. You knew you had to move back to Alexandria, but you figured everyone was waiting to see who showed up, you included. As you approached the others, you saw Judith and RJ with their mother, Gracie with her father, Jerry and his family, and even Magna, who was alive, with Yumiko, Kelly, and Luke. 

Carol wasn’t far away as she examined the group and Eugene was with Rosita and Gabriel as Siddiq and Enid made the rounds checking on everyone. It wasn’t until you spotted a particular head of dark brown hair that you stopped moving and let out a breath. Lydia looked up at you and then took off in a run towards you. She hit you hard, but you didn’t care as you clutched her tightly. 

“Are you okay?” you whispered in her hair. 

“Yeah,” she said with a nod. “Are you?” 

“I’ll live,” you said, stepping back. 

“You’re bleeding,” she said, gesturing to a cut above your eye. You figured you must have gotten it when the Whisperer attacked you. Shrugging, you wiped at the trickling blood. 

“I’ve had worse.” Lydia offered you a wary smile and then, Daryl was approaching you with Michonne. 

“Give us a second, Lydia,” he said and she nodded, stepping away to be with Dog who was sitting with Judith. 

“What now?” you asked, not wanting to hear any more bad news. 

“I gotta tell you somethin’,” he said. 

“Daryl,” Michonne warned. 

“Nah, they deserve to know,” Daryl said. 

“Know what?” you asked. Michonne still stared at Daryl, but he ignored her.

“Negan,” Daryl said. 

“What about him?” you asked, afraid that they had found his body on the battlefield. 

“Negan is with her, (Y/N),” Daryl said. “Negan is with Alpha.” Frozen in your place, you began to shake your head but when Michonne nodded, confirming it, anger thawed the ice and you drew your weapon. 

“(Y/N),” Michonne warned, but you were already shaking your head. 

“Nobody follow me,” you said as you took off back towards Hilltop, needing to know for yourself. 

* * *

The smell of destruction was in the air. 

Ash rained down from the sky as Walkers moved through the ruins of Hilltop. Bodies were scattered throughout and Negan didn’t like the way everything seemed to be crumbling around him. 

Walking through the sparse trees, Negan began to herd the Walkers on behalf of Beta’s order. He wasn’t taking the job seriously, but the time away from the rest of the pack was giving him some time to think.

He couldn’t get the image of you out of his head. On that battlefield, you had looked like an avenging angel. It was almost as if you were Death emerging from the smoke to take your victims. It had chilled him to his core. It was both terrifying and beautiful.

At that moment all he wanted to do was kneel at your feet and beg you for mercy, but something told him it was too late. You had already evolved into someone, _something_ , that he didn’t recognize.

At least, that was what he was telling himself to dull the ache in his heart.

Carrying on through the trees, Negan stepped around a dying tree trunk and then froze as steel bit into his throat. He didn’t move as the blade was steady on his skin. Slowly, it moved to rest under his chin, just above his jugular.

“Take it off,” a steel voice said, cutting through the silence of the morning. Negan’s eyes closed under his mask, feeling and hearing the rage that was in the calm tone. A tone that he instantly recognized as yours.

“(Y/N),” he whispered, trying to keep his voice steady. The sword, your sword, moved as you stepped around in front of him, the blade never wavering. You stood before him, Jesus’ coat wrapped around you like dark wings while your weapon remained aimed at Negan’s throat. 

There was blood on your face and clothes along with burns that were freckled along your exposed skin. Your eyes were wild with rage and hurt as they bore into his own and across your brow, a gash dripped fresh blood onto your cheek. 

“Take. It. Off,” you said again. 

“Okay, _okay,”_ Negan said as he slowly raised his hands and undid the ties that secured his Whisperer mask to his face. As soon as he was revealed to you once again, your blade dipped slightly.

“There were _children_ there. _Judith_ was there. _I was_ … I…,” you couldn’t force the words out, but he understood. The way you were looking at him was breaking his heart and all he wanted to do was scream the truth at you, scream it to the heavens, but his work was not done yet and he knew you wouldn’t even want to forgive him until he had finished what he started. 

“You have to understand,” Negan began, trying to take a step forward, but your blade didn’t allow it. 

_“How could you?”_ you asked, your voice breaking. “How could you do this to me? After everything we went through! I thought… I thought…” you groaned, hating how vulnerable you were sounding. “I cannot believe that everything was a lie! That you’re really…”

“Really what?” Negan challenged. “Really a monster?” He knew antagonizing you was a bad idea, but he couldn’t stop.

“If it was anyone but me who found you like this,” you said, “there would be a blade in your gut.” 

“I thought you liked the monster,” he said. 

“I thought I did, too,” you said as a tear rolled down your cheek and mixed in with the blood and dirt. 

“But only when you could keep him on a leash though, right?” Negan taunted. You dropped your sword, unable to keep your hands steady as you listened to him. 

“Whatever happened to not killing people who don’t deserve it?” you asked. Negan looked down at you, his hand shifting on the bat he held. You finally seemed to notice it and the look of disgust on your face made his stomach turn. 

“Shit happens,” Negan said. 

“Is that why you’re carrying _that_ again? You missed your fucking wife so _goddamn much_ , huh? Or is it cause you wanted to make a fucking point? Well, point made, Negan! You fucking won and I’m sure Lucille would be _so proud!”_

“Don’t,” he warned, but you couldn’t help but scoff at his tone. 

“All of _this,”_ you said gesturing to him as he stood with a new Lucille, his leather jacket, and his new skin, “it’s all complete and utter bullshit!” you screamed. Negan didn’t hesitate then to grab you. “Don’t touch me!” you said, but he didn’t stop. 

Negan had the upper hand as he forced you back into the decrepit building behind you, keeping a firm grip on you before shoving you against the wood wall. 

“Get your hands off me!” you said, shoving him back. Negan raised his hands in surrender as you glared at him. “Laura’s dead, did you know that?” He didn’t and he fought to keep his face neutral as he heard the news. “Beta knocked her into the wall so hard her head cracked open. She died in my arms, Negan. I had to watch as _another_ one of my friends died right in front of me.” 

Alpha hadn’t told him about Laura, but Negan wasn’t surprised. To her, Laura was just another no-name enemy. To Alpha, she didn’t matter. 

“One day, you’ll understand,” he said to you. 

“I don’t know what that means,” you said.

“I know,” Negan said, looking down at you with hidden desperation. 

“I hate you,” you spat at him, wanting to knock his teeth in as he towered over you. 

“No,” he said, softly, “you don’t.”

“I want to,” you said back. 

“But you can’t,” he countered. “Which is why I am always going to—”

_“Don’t,”_ you snapped. “You lost the right to say that to me.” Negan nodded. He didn’t know what compelled him to want to tell you that he loved you again, but it was as if it was crawling up his throat and he was unable to cage it. 

“Are the kids alive?” he asked as he thought about Judith and RJ.

“Barely, but yes,” you said. 

“Good,” Negan sighed, but you scoffed, not believing his sincerity. 

“The first time you came back,” you began, “and then when you saved Judith again… I thought that that was it. That you had _finally_ realized what we were building together. I thought you were going to stay. I _believed_ you! I fell hard for the good man you had become and I let myself fall in love with the man I met all those years ago, too! I fought _so hard_ to forgive you for everything and dammit, I thought I finally could. I thought that maybe Carl was right and you _were_ more than any of us first thought. But now? Now I don’t know what the _fuck_ to think because I don’t even recognize you anymore,” you said, shoving at his chest.

Hearing you speak of Carl sent ice water into his chest, but he fought against it. He took your shoves and the venom you spat at him all while his heart was breaking. 

“You’re missing a lot of pieces,” he said. 

“My life, _our life,_ is not a fucking jigsaw puzzle, Negan!” you shouted. 

“I know, but it ain't kittens and rainbows either, (Y/N),” he countered.

“Don’t patronize me. You know damn well that I am aware of how shit this world is. You know what I’ve been through.” 

“Then you have to understand why I chose to follow Alpha,” Negan argued. 

“No,” you said, shaking your head. “I _never_ chose a murderer.” Negan paused then, hating himself for what he was about to say, but he was already too far past the point of no return. 

“You chose Rick,” Negan said in a low voice, “he wasn’t much different.” 

Pain shot through the side of his face as your palm made contact. His cheek stung from the slap you had given him and he knew there would be a bruise. He waited for another hit, but you just shoved past him, trying to keep it together. 

“(Y/N),” he said, trying to catch up with you. You shook your head, not wanting to hear anymore. 

“I have bodies to bury,” you snapped, whirling on him. “Leave me the hell alone and go back and get on your knees for your new Alpha. 

“Don’t leave it like this,” he said, not caring if he was begging at this point. You faltered a few steps, your emotions trying to hold you in place.

He then took a step forward then and placed a hand on your waist, letting it slide toward your hip. You pulled away at the last minute and his hand fell to his side. 

“I don’t believe this is you,” you whispered as the tears trailed down your face. _“I can’t.”_

Negan then walked back a few paces, leaning into one of his hips as he watched you struggle to keep it together. Little did you know, he was dying on the inside as well. 

“Then I hope you enjoy being disappointed,” Negan said as he quickly turned his back to you. Just as his own tears began to fall, he shoved the mask back over his face, gripped his weapon tighter, and faded into the trees.

* * *

You fell to your knees as soon as Negan was out of sight, a hole opening in your chest. 

Choking on your sobs, you struggled to keep yourself from hyperventilating. Hugging Jesus’ coat closer to your body, you imagined he was there with you, holding you together. 

Reaching into the pocket of the coat, you searched for something to wipe your face, but instead of cloth, your fingers wrapped around something else.

Withdrawing your hand, you pulled the object from the coat and as you opened your palm, you felt as if your heart would leap from your chest. 

Nestled in your palm was a small black and white marble. The same one Negan had admired months ago. The same one that he said reminded him of the two of you. 

_ “It’s like two opposing forces, you see,” he had said, showing you how the colors interacted but never mixed. “Always fighting for dominance, but never quite intertwining. And yet, they’re always still together.”  _

_ “Is that what we are? A marble?” you had asked, not impressed.  _

_ “We,” he had said, pulling you into his chest, “we are like two forces that weren’t meant to be together but somehow still ended up in one place, constantly reaching for one another.” Negan had brought the marble up to the light of the lantern and let its shimmer cast beams along the walls. “A tiny universe in such a small thing.”  _

_ “We’re our own little universe?”  _

_ “One that will never be broken not even when the glass shatters,” he had said before throwing the marble up in the air and catching it. He had then pulled you into him and kissed you until the flames of the lantern had gone out and you were once again encased in darkness.  _

Gasping for breath, you clutched the marble in your hand as your eyes lifted to where Negan had disappeared through the trees as pieces began to slowly fit together. 

Fear entered your heart as you kneeled in the damp earth. 

Squeezing the small universe in your hand, you pulled in a deep breath and silently begged him to return. 

_ "Negan." _


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan seals a deal, Daryl asks questions, Carol provides the answers and forgiveness is asked of the reader.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing, Violence, Blood
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “A Little Forgiveness” by The Rescues
> 
> Note: Quick little thing: As I am not continuing this past “Certain Doom” a lot of the Eugene/Princess stuff isn’t really a thing in this series. Also, with Michonne not on some quest to find her hubby, it is a bit different. With only two parts left, I want to start wrapping up a few things. The next part is going to be very much focused on conversation and then the big showdown in the finale! ALL OFFICIAL DIALOG IS PROPERTY OF AMC AND SKYBOUND

J.D. Salinger once said, _“And I can’t be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight.”_ **  
**

Salinger had the right idea, you thought as you lay in the middle of your floor, staring at the ceiling.

You and the rest of the group had arrived back in Alexandria early in the afternoon and you had immediately shut yourself away in your house. 

There was more work to be done. There were bodies to be buried and you knew you should have been helping with the preparations, but all you could do was lay there and stare at the damn marble. 

When you had returned to the group after confronting Negan, nobody spoke to you and you refused to speak to them. Not even Lydia could get you to talk, and while you knew you were being cold, you didn’t know what to tell them. 

There was a part of you that felt such rage for the man that had faced you in that old shed. Nothing about the way he looked told you that he was your Negan. There were too many shades of his old self and it was terrifying, but not because you were scared of him, but because you were scared _for_ him. 

Negan had worked so hard to not be the man that had stepped out of that RV nearly a decade ago only to end up back behind enemy lines. When Daryl had told you that Negan was with her, you didn’t want to believe it, you couldn’t, but there was that small voice in the back of your head that was telling you that perhaps you had known for a while. 

You had searched for weeks and never even found a trace of him. Thinking about that night when the leaders of Alexandria were debating on what to do with him, you never blamed him for needing an out. Now, you just only wondered why he thought Alpha was his only choice. 

“What am I missing?” you asked to the empty room as you rolled the marble between your fingers. You began to think back to everything that had happened since that night and one moment stuck out. 

The day that you and Enid had been hunting Walkers together. 

You were almost positive that someone had been watching you. It was the day Beta had attacked you in Alexandria. You had thought that it was a Whisperer scout, but what if it had been Negan? Now it was only a matter of why he was doing it. Negan wasn’t one to take orders, but if Alpha had asked him to watch you, would he have? 

You didn’t know what the nature of their relationship was. Hell, you didn’t even know if she even tolerated him. However, considering he was still breathing in her presence, you figured it was one that held at least mutual respect. 

Then there was the baseball bat. 

You had no idea where he had even found another one. Just by looking at his new weapon you knew it wasn’t the original. Lucille 2.0 was a different bat, but to you, it still meant the same thing. You had accepted that she would always have a hold on him, but seeing him hold the thing that he connected his wife to hurt more than you had ever imagined. 

“There’s a reason,” you whispered. “You were right, there is a reason. He wouldn’t have given you the damn marble if there wasn’t.” Pausing, you sat up and frowned. “And now I’m talking to myself…again.”

Groaning, you squeezed your eyes shut as you tried to stop your thoughts from racing. It was as if there was an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Except they were both Negan and one wore a Whisperer mask and the other didn’t. You wanted to reach out and talk to your family about it, but you had no idea where to begin.

For all you knew, Negan had just given you the marble as a diversion. He could just be playing with you. However, as you began to think back on the conversation you had had with him, something felt off and it was only after a few seconds that you realized what it was. He had never directly answered any of your questions. This also could have been a diversion, but you knew him better than that. 

“He was trying not to lie to me,” you realized. Jumping to your feet, you ran from your room. “Lydia!” you called, searching for her, but there wasn’t an answer. “Lydia!” you tried again but were still met with silence. Opening your front door, you scanned for her. 

“(Y/N)?” Rosita asked as she noticed you. 

“You seen Lydia?” you asked. 

“Daryl didn’t tell you?” Rosita said. 

“Tell me what?” you asked.

“Lydia’s gone,” Rosita said. “She went looking for Negan after Daryl told her that he was with her mother.” 

“She went alone?” you asked, suddenly very worried. 

“She’s been out there alone before, what’s the big deal?” 

“The _big deal_ is that I think Negan is planning something,” you said. “Something big.” Rosita furrowed her brow and then gestured into her house. 

“Tell me everything.” 

* * *

Negan could feel his heart racing as he walked with Alpha through the trees. 

That morning, he had been nervous, but determined. The day before, he had begun to think that there would be another way to do what Carol had tasked him with. Negan thought that perhaps he could kill Beta as well or even both of them at once. 

He thought about doing a lot of things. Until you had ambushed him and he heard how hurt you had sounded. Now, he couldn’t take it anymore. He had to kill her and he had to do it now. 

His final plan was in motion and it helped to know that Alpha was feeling rather victorious after the battle at Hilltop. Her guard was done and after he had helped block the survivors from leaving Hilltop, she trusted him. There was a part of him that was dreading what he was about to do. 

No matter who it was, killing someone always had consequences. Alpha was the biggest gun he had gone up against. Rick had been difficult, but that man had had a soul. Negan wasn’t even sure if Alpha knew how to be human, let alone a decent one. 

Then there was the moment he had had with her earlier in the day when she had asked about her daughter. 

There was a moment when she had seen almost genuinely concerned about Lydia and whether or not she was alive after the fight. Negan had no idea what happened to Lydia. However, considering you hadn’t told him that she was dead and you didn’t seem to be acting as if you had lost a child, Negan figured she was okay. 

When Alpha had begun asking questions about her, it was then that Negan finally realized how he would take out the Queen of the Whisperers and he was going to hate to do it. 

Walking alongside a silent Alpha, Negan thought back to an hour before when he had gone in search of his final piece. 

_Earlier in the day…_

_Negan moved through the trees after finally losing his tails. He knew that Beta was having people watch him, but he didn’t care. Beta was dealing with his own problems as well. Negan had learned that the giant man had killed Gamma during the battle after she had stopped him from killing the one with the sword._

_Negan had left camp after hearing that Beta had once again tried to kill you. He needed some air and he needed to find Lydia. Negan didn’t want to move too close to Alexandria, but he had to be close enough to intercept the young woman._

_He also knew that Daryl would have figured out that he had been the one to set up the roadblocks and so he had to be smart. He didn’t doubt that Daryl would shoot him if he got the chance no matter how he felt about you._

_Which is why he needed to get to Lydia. Negan stayed in the shadows of the road that led to the community. He had learned enough about Lydia’s former family to know how to get her attention. He also knew that she wouldn’t stay behind the walls long and that she would get restless._

_And so, he waited._

_Negan was getting restless as he waited, but at the time, he didn’t have any other options. He was ready to give up and go back to the pack when the gates slid open and Lydia slipped through the fence. Her staff was in her hand as she took a deep breath and then turned to say something to someone behind the gate. Negan figured it was either Scott or Eugene._

_Lydia began to wander away from Alexandria and that’s when Negan began to track her._

_He would never forget the way her expression changed from hope to betrayal as she saw him walking towards her only to see the mask in his hands._

_It was only an hour later when Negan approached the Alpha._

_“Alpha,” he said, “that thing you’ve been looking for…” Alpha turned to him with curious eyes. “I found it.”_

_A smile crept across the woman’s face and for a moment, she looked genuinely happy at the prospect of finding her daughter._

_“Lydia.”_

* * *

“It is beautiful,” Alpha said as she stared at a Walker stumbling through the trees. Negan watched it with disdain. “Pure.”

“All I see is a bag of bones and some gnarly-ass teeth,” Negan scoffed.

“You will see. Maybe soon. And I will meet you there,” Alpha promised, looking up at him with eyes full of unrequited compassion. Negan turned away as he adjusted the strap on his back that held his bat. 

“You know, I ain’t exactly ready to meet my Maker, if that’s what you’re saying,” Negan said. “Hell, I’ve survived this long and I don’t plan on making any appointments with the man downstairs.” 

“You proved yourself again by finding her,” Alpha went on as if he hadn’t spoken. “And like the young lion cub who must leave his pride, it is time to roam the Earth. Build a new pride.” 

“Do you want me out there, preaching your gospel?” Negan asked. “Cause I’m gonna be honest with you, people stopped listening to me a long time ago.”

“I want you to become a lion,” she said. Negan paused, trying to understand what she was saying. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good.

“You know,” he began, “I may not be hip on the whole Greek alphabet, but Beta is no Alpha. And if we’re going stick with the whole lion thing… then isn’t it the young lioness who takes her mother’s place?” Alpha looked up at him and he could see the shift in her attitude at the mention of her daughter and that was when he finally understood. Lydia was not her strength, she was her weakness and Alpha could not bear to be weak. 

“Walk,” she ordered.

As they moved together, Negan began to think about Lucille of all things. After you had brought her up the day before, he couldn’t keep her out of his mind. 

“A long time ago before meat-lovers like him started showing up,” Negan said, gesturing to the Walker not far from them, “I, uh… I lost somebody that was close to me. Pancreatic cancer. If the disease wasn’t eating her up from the inside, then the chemo was kicking the ever-loving shit out of her. And yet… I don’t know. Maybe, uh… Maybe the cancer just put things in perspective. She was, uh… She was never more beautiful.” Negan paused, letting the memory of her wash over him. He hadn’t allowed himself to think about his wife in this way for a long time. It was as if he was finally ready to let her go. 

“Be grateful,” Alpha said. “Death… set her free.” 

“The thing is,” Negan said as he kicked out at an old root, “when she was gone, I didn’t feel much of anything anymore. You know? I didn’t feel scared, I didn’t feel happy. I didn’t feel anything. I was just… here. And that is _my_ strength. However, someone else has taught me that that strength isn’t the only thing that has kept me alive. They taught me that we need people.” 

“I thought you didn’t have people,” Alpha said. 

“Everyone’s got people,” Negan argued. “Even if you hate each other, they’re still there. Still waiting. See, you are pretending. You think that it makes you strong to say that emotions aren’t real, that we are animals. That is bullshit. And you know it.”

“Is it?” she asked as they approached an old cabin between two tall trees. Alpha started at it as if it held all the answers in the world. 

“You’re claimin’ that you have to kill your _own_ daughter,” he said. “Right? That’s what you’re plannin’ to do here? She’s your own flesh and blood.”

“It is her destiny,” Alpha argued. “That disease… took your wife… because that was what nature intended. She could not take you with her. But you live every day wishing she could.” Negan shook his head. 

“No, not anymore,” he said, his jaw rigid. “I may have felt that at one point, but I’ve seen what a real future looks like and I ain’t about to throw that away.”

“Lydia was made for this. To be free. With me,” she said. 

“You still love her,” Negan said.

“I have to do it because I love her. She will always be my baby,” Alpha said as she approached the door to the cabin, laying her hand against the door. 

“You don’t know _anything_ about her,” Negan said as he drew his blade from his belt. “She is kind, strong, _resilient_ , and she is loved by people.” Alpha pushed open the door and beheld an empty room, stopping her in her tracks. “People that _I love_ as well,” Negan said as Alpha turned to him in confusion, but he didn’t hesitate. 

With a quick strike of his arm, Negan slashed Alpha’s throat with his knife. Alpha stared at him with wide eyes as blood sprayed and cascaded down her neck. As she lurched forward, Negan caught her, taking her down to the ground. Her eyes were boring into his, but he could feel no remorse towards the dying woman. 

“I really thought that there was a chance for you,” he said, but then he was shaking his head. “But then you tried to kill the kid that is like a daughter to me. I love Lydia, and I _will_ protect her with everything I have left. You took people from me, won the battles, but now you don’t _get_ to win the war.” Leaning down, he put his lips next to her ear. “Thank you, for making me realize that I don’t have to be a monster.”

Negan leaned back as Alpha finally went still and the blood slowly trickled from her neck and mouth. Picking up his knife, Negan aimed it at her throat and finally finished what he had started. 

* * *

In the silence at the border, Negan dropped a burlap sack on the ground as Alpha’s head rolled out and landed at a pair of worn boots.

“Took you long enough,” Carol said as she met his eyes. “What took you so damn long?”

“What took me so long? Doing _your_ dirty work?” Negan scoffed. “Oh, I don’t know, _Carol_ , I guess I wanted to get out of there with my head still attached. Shit like that takes time and I’ve been in a bit of a mood lately if you couldn’t tell.”

“I told you to do it fast,” she said.

“It’s done. All right? I held up my end. Now I am asking you to hold up yours. Just walk me through those gates so I can open up a new chapter in the Book of Negan and get the love of my life back. In case you hadn’t noticed, they’re pretty fucking pissed at me.” All Negan wanted was for Carol to do as she said, make the people of Alexandria look at him, not as the man who ruined them, but the one who saved them. However, it seemed like Carol had other plans. 

“I’m not going back. Not yet,” she said. Negan who was glaring at her clenched his fists. 

“I go back there without you, there is a _noose_ around my neck the second I step foot in there,” he argued. 

“Then wait,” Carol said as she picked up Alpha’s head and approached the pike she had set up in preparation.

“Wait? How long are we talking about?” Negan asked as Carol placed Alpha’s head on the pike and took a step back, admiring Negan’s work. 

“You’re free now, Negan. Do whatever the hell you want,” she said. “Wait, don’t wait, it’s up to you. You did good on what I asked of you.”

“I did this for (Y/N),” he said, “not you.” 

“They want Beta’s head, not Alpha’s,” Carol said. “Go home to them, Negan, I need to be alone.” 

“Carol!” Negan yelled, but she just turned away from him. 

“Shit like this takes time,” she said as she continued on her, leaving Alpha behind and stepping into the next chapter of her own story. 

_“Fuck.”_

* * *

Negan was pissed at everyone.

He was pissed at Alpha, he was pissed at Carol, and he was even more pissed at himself. “I’m a fucking idiot,” he said as he kept moving towards the place he had _actually_ kept Lydia. He knew he had a lot of explaining to do and he wouldn’t be surprised if she hated him or slapped him as you had. He just hoped that she would listen to him and even forgive him for what he had to do. 

What Carol had asked him to do. 

Yet, it seemed that that deal was useless at the current moment. Carol hadn’t kept her end of the bargain and now _Negan_ was the one running around with his head cut off. Alpha’s mask burned a hole in his pocket and all he wanted to do was scream. 

Instead, he approached the old hunters’ cabin and braced himself for a teenager’s wrath. 

“Hey, kiddo,” Negan said as he moved up onto the porch. “Sorry about‒” Negan froze as he opened the door to find an empty chair. _“Shit,”_ he swore when all of a sudden, he was thrown into a wall and a crossbow was pointed at his face.

“Where’s Alpha!” Daryl yelled as he levelled his weapon at Negan. Carefully, Negan raised his hands, his bat pressing into his spine.

“Look, whatever Lydia told you..,” he tried, but Daryl wasn’t listening. 

“Where is she!”

“She is dead. She is _dead_. I killed her,” Negan said, trying not to think about the bolt that could enter his brain at any moment.

“You’re lying,” Daryl said. 

“I am not lying. I have somethin’ in my pocket,” Negan said. “It’s not a weapon. I am slowly gonna reach for it.” Daryl waited as Negan pulled Alpha’s mask from his jacket and held it out. Daryl grabbed it with disgust. 

“Her mask ain’t her head,” Daryl growled. 

“Oh, I know. I am getting to that,” Negan said.

“Well, then, get to it,” Daryl said. Negan gestured down to the weapon and Daryl jerked it away from his face, but didn’t put it completely down. Negan went on. 

“The whole reason I threw in with them, was so I could get close enough to Alpha to slit her throat. Now, you talk about ‘silencing the Whisperers’, _I_ silenced the Alpha,” Negan said and then leaned towards Daryl. “Why the hell else you think that your girlfriend let me outta that cell?”

“That don’t mean shit,” Daryl said. “Ya didn’t do this out of the kindness of yer heart.”

“Nah,” Negan said. “I did it for (Y/N). I never stopped loving them.”

“You expect me to believe that?” Daryl said. 

“I never planned to leave them. I would rather die than hurt them,” Negan tried again. 

“Good,” Daryl scoffed. 

“Dammit, Daryl!” Negan said. “Can’t you see what’s goin’ on? You’re so goddamn blinded by your hatred for _me_ that you don’t get what I just did! Alpha is dead and now her psycho personal trainer is gonna be comin’ for me!” 

“Show me,” Daryl said. “Show me her body.” 

“I’ll do you one better,” Negan said. “Come on.” 

* * *

Negan was getting real tired of the universe screwing with him. 

“Are you fucking serious?” Negan said as he stared up at the empty pike. 

“So, where is it?” Daryl asked, aiming his bow at Negan’s back. 

“It was right here. I swear to God, it was on _that_ spike,” Negan said, looking back at Daryl. _“Jesus,”_ he swore as he realized the weapon was trained on him again. “Look, we sit here, we can wait for Carol. Or I can take you to find the body.” Daryl raised the bow higher. “Oh, _come on, man_. We’re talking about _Lydia_ here. Why would I stash her out in banjo country unless the whole point was to keep her safe? Unless the whole freakin’ point was just to use her as bait so I could get Alpha alone? That’s a pretty far stretch, don’t you think?”

“You sure took your sweet-ass time, though, didn’t you?” Daryl asked and Negan threw his hands up in exasperation. 

“What is with you guys thinking I didn’t do it fast enough? You didn’t kill her. _I did._ It took a minute. I had to get her to trust me. Because I wasn’t on some half-cocked suicide mission. I wasn’t exactly wishing to get my head cracked open by Beta or my brains eaten by Alpha’s ‘guardians’. I had a plan!” 

“What do you want me to do, huh?” Daryl asked. 

“Take me to (Y/N),” Negan pleaded. “I think that they may have figured it by now.” 

“Figured out what?” Daryl sneered. 

“That I’m not bullshitting you,” Negan argued. “And we gotta do it now before her pack comes lookin’.” 

“For you?”

“No, for all of us.”

* * *

“I don’t know…” Rosita said as you stood in front of her. “Seems… crazy, even for him.”

_“He is crazy!”_ you said, trying to get her to understand. You had finally finished explaining your theory you had about Negan and the Whisperers. There were a lot of holes in that theory, but overall there was one central idea. “Negan’s playing double agent.”

“And you got all of that… _from a marble?”_ Rosita asked, still not buying it. 

“It makes more sense if you know more about the marble, but I don’t have the time to get into all of it.”

“What do _you_ think about all of this?” Rosita asked, turning to Michonne who had come in mid-explanation. 

“I agree with, (Y/N),” Michonne said. “Negan is crazy.” 

“Not the point, Michonne,” you argued. 

“Just listen,” she said. “If this _was_ some sort of crazy plan of his, why didn’t he tell us?”

“Who would have believed him?” you asked. 

“You?” 

“I’m not enough,” you said. “I don’t know what the plan was or if he just wanted to take control of the Whisperers, maybe turn the tide, but I don’t think he is with them because he _believes_ in all their bullshit. Negan is a lot of things, but _that?_ No way.” 

“What if you’re wrong?” Michonne asked. 

“I can’t be,” you said. 

“But what if you are?” Michonne pressed and you could see the growing concern in her eyes. 

“Then, everything over the past year has been for nothing and I never knew him at all,” you said, dreading that outcome. If Negan wasn’t on your side and he had actually willingly gone to Alpha… You didn’t think you would be able to handle it. When Rosita went to add her two cents, the door to her house opened and Lydia rushed in.” Where the _hell_ have you been?” you asked. 

“With Negan,” Lydia said. “Sort of.” You, Rosita, and Michonne all shared a look. 

“Explain,” Michonne said. 

“No time,” Lydia said. “He’s here. _Negan_ is here.” 

“What?” you asked, unable to comprehend what she was saying. 

“Daryl just walked in with him. He’s heading this way.”

_“Daryl’s_ with him?” Michonne asked, but you didn’t hear Lydia’s response as you turned and walked from the house. The sun was starting to set over the trees as your eyes scanned for his tall form. When you finally saw him walking down the road, speaking to Daryl, you picked up your pace, aiming right for him. 

Daryl saw you first and took a step towards you. “(Y/N), wait,” he said, but you didn’t listen as you walked right up to Negan, pulled back your fist, and let it snap forward, catching him in the jaw. Surprised, Negan dropped from the sudden hit. 

“Shit!” Negan swore from the ground. _“What the hell!”_ he asked, staring up at you. 

“You _know_ what that was for!” you said, pointing at him.

“I have a lot to explain,” Negan said, getting to his feet. 

“Yeah, no shit,” you said and then you turned to Daryl. “You, too.”

“Call a council meeting, (Y/N)” Daryl ordered. “This is far from over.”

* * *

Laura’s empty council seat felt as if a black hole had appeared in the room.

Nobody sat in it as Gabriel called the meeting to order. Everyone was glaring at Negan who stood at the side, his arms and ankles crossed. You were across from him, staring him down and trying not to unleash the fury you were feeling. You still believed that he had been playing the other side, but seeing him again after your last encounter only reminded you of the rage you had felt then. 

“I don’t even know where to start,” Gabriel said. 

“Maybe with a bullet to his brain,” Aaron offered, staring at Negan who in turn, just narrowed his eyes at him. 

“Considering Alpha wanted _your_ head on a stick, Aaron, you should be a bit more grateful,” Negan shot back. 

“Enough,” Michonne said. “Daryl, you better start talking before anyone else starts throwing punches.” You rolled your eyes at that but remained quiet. 

“Negan claims that Carol let him out,” Daryl began. That made enough sense to you, but then again, you were still pissed that you weren’t let in on the secret. “Alpha killed her son and Carol wanted revenge.”

“So she went to _Negan?”_ Siddiq asked as he held Coco in his arms. Rosita was nearby as well. Even though it was a council meeting, every major player in Alexandria and Hilltop was in attendance. Enid was there too as she stood near Alden. 

“I’m assuming she figured not many would go looking for him,” Daryl said. 

_“Assumed?”_ Michonne asked. “So you _haven’t_ spoken to her?” Daryl shook his head and then looked at Negan.

“Carol went off on her own after I delivered Alpha’s head to her,” Negan said and then caught the look on Lydia’s face. He didn’t want her there and you didn’t either. Her mother had just been killed and no matter who she was, hearing that was not easy. Lydia seemed to be in shock as she sat on one of the benches in the back, not speaking. Jesus’ coat was around her shoulders to keep her warm, but it didn’t seem to be making much of a difference. 

“So we’re going on his testimony alone?” Alden asked. 

“This isn’t a fucking murder trial, Alden,” Negan said. “Then again, you _were_ always a true crime fan.” 

“I told you that _one time,”_ Alden argued. 

“Guess it stuck,” Negan said with a shrug of his shoulders.

“That’s enough,” Gabriel said. “What I’m gathering from Negan’s sudden reappearance, is that Alpha is dead, he killed her, and that was why he left Alexandria the second time.”

“See, it’s not that hard to get,” Negan said.

“Except for the fact that you helped burn down Hilltop,” Enid added. 

“I had no idea she was going to do that,” Negan defended. “I _tried_ to convince her to offer some sort of deal to the lot of you. She got it all twisted around and wanted to make you all a part of her horde. You’re just lucky so many of you refuse to die and actually stood up and fought.”

“What were we supposed to do? Lay down like dogs? _Kneel_ at her feet?” Aaron pressed. 

“I did,” Negan said. “And I guess it worked.” 

“But then what? You had a change of heart?” Rosita asked. 

“No,” Negan said. “I was always going to take her out, but I was going to take Beta out first if possible.” You looked up at him at that statement and he was looking right at you with steel resolve in his eyes. 

“Why didn’t you?” Gabriel asked. 

“She forced my hand. Told me that she was going to kill her kid. I couldn’t let that happen,” he said. 

“And suddenly he’s a Saint,” Aaron scoffed.

“I wasn’t going to let her _murder_ a _kid_ , Aaron,” Negan shot back. 

“And what about _my_ kid, Negan? We tried to evacuate them before the battle, but _you_ put up your goddamn roadblocks to stop us from leaving!”

“I didn’t know the kids were with you! I thought they were back in Alexandria. How the hell was I supposed to know _anything?_ Carol sent me out there and I _never_ heard from her. I was running around with a single goal but no idea where the hell I was going. You think you know the Whisperers, Aaron? You don’t. You haven’t even seen the worst of what they do or _who_ they are, but I have! Now I’ve done a lot of horrible shit in my life, but what she did, I would never.” 

“You can’t tell me that you didn’t like it,” Aaron pressed. Daryl then fell into his seat, trying not to get a migraine from the conversation. 

_“Liked it?”_ Negan asked. “Did I _like_ not being locked up in a cell most of the day as I received death glares from every damn person in this place? Yeah, I fucking liked that. I _liked_ that I was out in the world and doing something rather than sitting here waiting for this damn kangaroo council to decide whether or not to finally off me. The fact that _any_ of you are surprised that I did this is _astonishing_. I thought you were smarter than this.”

“I could say the same thing about you,” you put in. 

“You know me better than anyone, (Y/N),” he said. “Tell me, do you think I’m lying?” 

“It doesn’t matter what I think,” you said. 

“Don’t bullshit me,” he said, but just as you were about to fire back. The back door to the meeting hall opened and Carol stepped in. She was a bit banged up but she was alive. Nobody spoke as she walked down the aisle. She stopped and looked over at Lydia who slowly looked at her with heavy eyes. Ignoring the teenager, Carol faced the room.

“It’s all true,” Carol said. “I let Negan out to kill Alpha.” 

“And you didn’t want to share with the class?” Siddiq said. 

“It only worked if you all thought he was against us,” Carol said and then she looked at you. “I’m sorry.” Turning away, you stormed from the meeting hall, not wanting to hear anymore. Negan moved to follow you, but Daryl moved into his path. Negan shoved Daryl back, not caring how pissed the man was at him. He needed to speak to you and he needed to do it before there was no going back. 

“(Y/N)!” Negan called as you walked away from him. He ran to catch up with you, grabbing you by the arm. You tore away from him, facing him head-on. 

_“Don’t,”_ you warned. He stared down at you, searching your eyes and then, he frowned. 

“You didn’t find it,” he whispered. 

“I did,” you said and his eyes lit up again. 

“Then _why_ are you _punching me_ and screaming?” he asked. 

“You lied!” you yelled at him. “You _never_ lie to me and you just…you left when you promised you never would again.”

“I know, Baby,” he said, using a rare pet name. “I know, but this was the _only_ way.”

_“Why?”_ you asked, trying to understand.

“Alpha she is… _was_ complicated,” Negan said. 

“She murdered _children!”_ you said. 

“Which is why I did what I did!” He said, reaching for you. When you didn’t pull back, he gripped your arms and looked into your eyes. “See me, (Y/N), please see me and see that I am _not_ lying to you now.” As you tried to keep your emotions in check, you failed, letting the tears flow down your face. Reaching up, you placed your hands on either side of his face and looked into his hazel eyes. 

It took you a few moments, but finally, you saw it. That spark, that fire that you had fallen in love with. The same fire that everyone else saw before you did. “I see you,” you whispered and Negan sighed, leaning his forehead against yours. “I don’t know how to get through this,” you admitted. 

“I know,” he said. “But I am willing to do _anything_ to win that trust back and even your love back if I have to.” Leaning back, you shook your head.

“I never stopped loving you,” you said. “That was never the problem. I am _always_ going to love you, but there is more to a relationship, a _partnership_ , than just love. I mean, you were with her for _so long…”_

“She meant nothing to me,” he swore. 

“Did you…” you hesitated, not wanting to say the words out loud but you had to. “Did you _do_ anything with her?” 

“Fuck no,” he said. “I know that she wanted to, but I couldn’t do that to you. Not with her or anyone. _You_ are the only one for me.” 

“How do I believe you?” you asked, clutching at his face. 

“Believe this,” he said before pulling you to him and kissing you with everything he had left in him. Your mind wanted to resist, but your heart won the battle quickly. You tugged him further into you as you kissed him back, hard. This wasn’t one of your usual kisses, it was firm, desperate, and you were throwing your whole body into it, needing to feel him solid in your arms. 

You were crying as you kissed him and you could feel him shaking. HIs hand came up to your neck and then your jaw, keeping you in place as he apologized with love and passion. When you finally pulled away, you breathed in his scent, letting his labored breathing wash over you. “You are my whole universe, (Y/N),” he whispered. 

“Constantly reaching towards each other?” you quoted, leaning your weight against him. 

“I knew you would figure it out,” he said, rubbing your back. “Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done.” Negan brushed the tears from your face as you pulled his lips back to yours in a quick kiss. 

“If you ever do this again,” you said against his lips. “I will kill you.”

“And it would be an honor,” he said as he leaned back and looked down at you. 

“A part of me knew, I think,” you said. “I spent so long looking for you everywhere _except_ across the border. I think I just didn’t want to think about you with _her.”_

“But you finally understood?”

“When I got the marble,” you said. “I got the final piece of the jigsaw puzzle.” 

“Forgive me, (Y/N),” he pleased. 

“I don’t know…” you said, running your hands down his arms. He then stepped back out of your hold and in one fluid movement, knelt down on his knees. “What are you doing?”

“You once kneeled at my feet, begging for me not to hurt you and your family,” he began. “Back then, I was lost, _horrible_ , and not capable of remorse. It took me a long time to see that what I had become was not right. You changed that, (Y/N). So, now, I’m doin’ the same. I’m on my knees, begging for you not to hurt me. I’m begging for your forgiveness.”

“Negan…”

“Please, just listen,” he asked and you nodded. “When you told me about Lee that night in your house during the storm, you told me that you never regretted what you did but that it was _still_ unnecessary. Do you remember that?” 

“Yes,” you whispered. You remembered everything from that night. It was the same night that you realized you were falling in love with him. 

“I told you that you had to do it because you were protecting the people that you loved. I meant that and I still do. We are _all_ darkened by this world, but the thing that keeps us going is doing the right thing for the people we love and _dammit_ I love you. I didn’t think that after Lucille I was going to love again, let alone someone as kind and as strong-willed as you. You made me want to live again and you made me want to fight for this place and everyone in it. I know that a simple apology ain’t gonna cut it, but until this war is over, it’s all I got. I am so sorry, (Y/N), and I am willing to spend every day making it up to you no matter what you think of me now.” 

“It’s going to take me a long time to forgive you for the lies,” you whispered as you then kneeled down in front of him, taking his hands in yours. “But,” you said. 

“But?”

“I can try,” you said. “I can try to be the person you described because I love you too much to give up on you. You don’t need to kneel for me, Negan. We don’t have to kneel for anyone anymore.” 

“That’s not true,” he said. “This war ain’t over, Teach,” he said and you laughed quickly at the nickname. 

“I still have a target out there,” you said. 

“Beta, I know,” he said. 

“I _am_ going to kill him,” you promised, “but I am going to need _you_ by my side to do it.” Negan reached forward and kissed you softly. Pulling back, that fire was burning brighter in his eyes. 

“Where do we start?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I know some of yall wanted so massive angst, but I really wanted to look at the deeper connection between these too. These two have been through too much to not see how the other thinks. The Tower is next and we will finally see Lydia’s reaction.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the confines of a Tower, conversations are held as the survivors prepare to face Beta and the horde.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Outlaws of Love” by Adam Lambert
> 
> Note: I can’t believe I have been writing this since AUGUST. Only one more after this and I think it is going to wrap up nicely. Enjoy a little down time before the big battle and yes, Maggie will make an appearance in the final part. Thanks!

For as long as you could remember, you loved being up high.

You could remember climbing trees as a kid and jumping off the rope swing at summer camp as soon as school got out. Nobody in your family ever understood why you felt more comfortable off the ground, but the truth was, you felt safer there than down below.

No matter how high, it was almost as if you were untouchable, immune from the world around you. When the world ended, you found yourself searching for the highest points possible. It was exactly why you had decided to pick up a sniper rifle in the first place.

The guard towers at the prison, the top of the barn at the Greene farm, and even the old clock tower that once stood in Alexandria, were all your comfort places.

The tower you now stood in, however, felt more like a trap rather than a place of freedom.

Daryl, Michonne, and you had realized that with Negan declaring war on the Whisperers by killing Alpha, Beta would be coming for everyone with an even more vicious vendetta. Negan was docile when it came to the decision. He said ‘yes ma’am’ and ‘yes sir’ as he moved through the community. Nobody dared say anything negative towards him, but they weren’t praising him either.

They knew that no matter how he did it, Negan had saved more lives than not when he killed Alpha. The only one who was still dealing with the fallout of it all was Lydia.

As soon as Negan told everyone what he had done, Lydia had shut down. She still stayed with you when it was time to rest, but she didn’t say much. From all the time you were a teacher, you recognized the anger that she was feeling. You also knew that it was only a matter of time before she unleashed that fury on Negan.

Then, there was Daryl.

You couldn’t get a proper read on him and it was starting to worry you. Daryl was a smart man, but when it came to facing down an enemy at this caliber, he tended to get reckless. If he didn’t get it together soon, Beta would have the upper hand and you were not going to let that happen.

Beta had to die and you were going to be the one to do it, no matter what it took.

Looking out the window of the tower, you braced your hands on the window sill and waited for the horde to move in because you knew one thing for sure, Beta wasn’t going to stop until you and Negan were both dead.

* * *

“Did you get any sleep?” Michonne asked Negan as she joined him against the wall as they watched the room before them.

“Not a bit,” he said. “You?”

“RJ snores like his father,” Michonne said fondly. “So, no, not much.”

“He’s a good kid,” Negan said as he watched RJ pet Dog who was curled at his feet.

“Yeah,” Michonne said with a sigh. Negan looked over at her, raising a brow.

“What’s up?”

“I can’t see how we get out of this one,” she admitted.

“And so you’ve come to _me_ for comfort?” he asked with a snort.

“That’s what you get for playing hero,” she said.

“Nah, I ain’t a hero,” he said as his eyes scanned over to Lydia who was playing with one of the stray cats that occupied the building. “I’m just trying to knock some years off of my eternal damnation.”

“I didn’t peg you for the religious type,” she said.

“I’m not,” he said. “I’m just covering all my bases.”

“Do one of those bases include (Y/N)?” she asked. Negan sighed, leaning further back against the wall, crossing his ankles

“I don’t know why they even bothered to forgive me,” he said, rubbing a hand along his jaw. “I would have sent my ass packing.”

“Guess that makes them the better person,” Michonne proposed.

“Ah, well, that was never in question,” he said. “(Y/N) was the only thing that kept me going while I was out there. You know when Beta came back and said that someone with a sword had nearly ended him, I knew it was them and that _terrified_ me. I always knew they were a total badass, but hearing how close they came to being gutted by that bastard…”

“I know that fear,” Michonne said. “There was a time during the war with your people that I thought Rick had died.” Negan was patient as she began to tell her story. “We were at this old fairground looking for weapons and we became overwhelmed by Walkers. We started to make a game out of how many we could get before the other,” she said with a small smile. “Rick climbed up onto this rickety Ferris wheel, taking aim with his gun. I was on the other side of the yard when the mechanism broke and he fell.

“I saw him disappear into a crowd of Walkers and as I ran towards him I saw those things tearing at flesh and blood. I remembered that I stopped breathing, unable to even comprehend what I was seeing. I had dropped my katana and everything was moving in slow motion. It wasn’t until I heard his voice calling my name that I knew he was alive. Rick had found a way to survive and then he threw me my sword and we fought together. I had never been happier to see him than at that moment.”

Negan smiled softly at that, thinking of the man as well. “Wait,” he said, “if they weren’t eating Rick…”

“It was a deer,” Michonne said. “He owed me one after you and the Saviors took the one I carried into Alexandria.”

“Ah,” he said. “Always the gentleman, huh?”

“Yeah,” Michonne said as her eyes were on her children. “ You know, I once asked you to do for (Y/N) what they were doing for you,” Michonne continued. Negan nodded, remembering.

“Not sure if I ever completed that task,” he said, thinking back to the night you lay in the infirmary recovering from the blizzard. Michonne had asked him to help you as you had helped him.

“I disagree,” Michonne said, surprising the man next to her. “I thought that (Y/N) needed to be coddled or helped through all this trauma, but I was wrong. They just needed a reason to fight through all the shit in their life. That reason ended up being you.”

“I’m not much to fight for,” Negan said casually.

“Since when do you see yourself like this?” she asked. Negan could tell that his sudden self-deprecating attitude was confusing to her, just as it was to Gabriel or Rosita.

“I guess,” Negan began, taking a deep breath. “I guess I just got tired of trying to be a somethin' I’m not. I’ve spent too long actin’ as if I got my shit together when in truth, I’m just fucked up as everything else in this godforsaken world.”

“Ever think that’s just the way it’s supposed to be?” Michonne offered. “If any of us were completely sane or normal, we’d all be dead.”

“There’d be a lot less bloodshed if we were,” Negan offered, but Michonne was shaking her head.

“No, I think there’d be more,” she said. “Negan, regardless of what any of us have done, we have all believed in one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“That people are the future and in order to survive, we gotta start savin’ them. No matter what.”

* * *

“Since when do ya hide from your problems?” Daryl asked as he approached you. 

Standing by the window, you cast your eyes towards him. “Who says I’m hiding?” you asked. 

“Negan’s out there trying to be helpful and you’re all alone in here waiting for a war,” he said. 

“Isn’t that what we’re _all_ doing?” you asked. 

“Nah, I’m preparing for one, not wishing for it.” Sighing, you fully faced him. The new scars on his face were stark against his face and you knew that you didn’t look much better. 

“All I want is Beta,” you said. “Then, this will all be over.”

“It will never be over, (Y/N). You know that and so do I. There’s always going to be another problem to deal with. The world doesn’t stop tryin’ to end just ‘cause we beat another enemy.”

“Remember when Walkers were the _only_ enemy?” you asked. 

“We all knew that wasn’t going to last long,” he said, bracing his hand against the wall.

Over the past year or so, you had begun to see Daryl differently. He was no longer just the right-hand or the hunter. He was now a leader and one that had stepped up to the role that Rick always knew he could be. There wasn’t anyone else that you respected more than Daryl Dixon.

You had grown into a new version of yourself as well. For a long time, it had felt as if you were the outsider, the one who never quite fit, but now that felt as if it was changing. You used to think it was Negan who was bringing out this new side of you, but the truth was, it was just you. 

You had become stronger because you had _always_ been strong and resilient, you just hadn’t allowed yourself to break through that shell. 

“What happens now?” you asked.

“We fight,” Daryl said. “We may not all get out this, but we’ve never given up and we ain’t about to start now. I know you want Beta, (Y/N), but you gotta survive first.”

“You’re on his hit list, too,” you said. 

“And if he comes for me, I’ll be ready,” Daryl said. You both were quiet for a moment, letting the stillness of the tower surround you. 

“Aaron and Alden shouldn’t be out there alone,” you whispered. 

“They know what they’re doin’,” he assured you. “I’m about to do a perimeter check soon.”

“Need some help?” you asked. 

“Nah,” Daryl said, shaking his head. “You gotta stay up here. You’ve always seen better up high.” 

“Maybe the thinner air will help me work things out,” you said with another sigh. 

“Don’t think that just cause you _want_ to forgive him, that you have to right now. You’re human, not a damn machine.” 

“Have you forgiven Carol?” you asked. 

“I ain’t turning my back on her if that’s what ya mean,” he said. You gave him a look. “Of course I forgive her. She’s my best friend, (Y/N), and if that stops meanin’ something then we’re all lost.” 

“I lost my best friend,” you said, fighting back the lump in your throat. 

“He ain’t completely gone,” Daryl said, tugging on the sleeve of the duster that you wore. Your hand slid to the pommel of your sword, too, feeling Paul’s memory in your mind. “He loved you and he _always_ believed in you. Sasha, too,” he said and you closed your eyes at that. “I know ya still miss her like crazy. Next to Maggie, you were the closest thing she had to another sibling after Tyreese.”

“Maggie never saw it that way,” you said. “She and I… we were close once. Then, after Glenn… Maggie stopped coming to me. I always wondered if I did something wrong or if she blamed me because was one of the first people to agree with Rick about the satellite station. Whatever it was, our relationship was never the same and Sash got caught between.” 

“Maggie has her own demons just as you have yours and Sasha had hers. You can’t compare them. That ain’t how it works,” Daryl said. 

“Then how does it work, Daryl?” you asked. “In case you haven’t noticed, Maggie’s demon is the man that I fell in love with.”

“Negan ain’t the same that he was back then. Even I can see that the son of a bitch has changed. I don’t like to admit it, but what he did, takin’ out Alpha like that, that proved somethin’. He could have run when Carol let him out. He could have joined up with them and took more of us out, but he didn’t. Why? Cause he’s in love with you? Maybe. But I think it's more than that. I don’t think the bastard ever wanted to be what he was. He thinks so, too.” 

“Is there a lesson in this speech, D?” you asked.

“Yeah,” he said, “get out of your damn head, stop thinkin’ about what Maggie would think, and start thinkin’ for yourself. We know better than anyone that the future ain’t always certain. There’s no time to overthink shit when you already know what you want. So tell me, what _do_ you want, (Y/N)?” 

It had been a long time since someone had asked you that question. Before, you would have brushed them off and made some lame joke about wanting to watch TV or go to a concert again. However, now, you didn’t feel the need to hide at all because you knew what you wanted and you were damn well going to fight for it. 

“I want Beta dead, my family safe, and I want Negan by my side for all of it. I don’t care what people think of him because I love him and if that makes me some sort of outlaw within this group, so be it. Enid once told me that I have lost too much to feel guilty for loving someone and she was right. I love him, Daryl, and I am _done_ feeling ashamed about that.” 

Daryl nodded, standing up straighter. Reaching out, he laid his hand against your shoulder. 

“Finally,” he said. “Finally, ya understand.”

“Understand what?” 

_“Yourself.”_

* * *

Negan had been dancing around it all day but he had to speak to Lydia. 

He had seen her wandering around, playing with the cats or speaking with Carol. He wasn’t entirely sure what that relationship was all about, but it made sense for the two of them to connect. Lydia _had loved_ Carol’s son. Negan had been worried about talking to the teen especially since she seemed to be avoiding you as well. 

You had become like a parent to Lydia and Negan thought perhaps she had begun to see him like that as well. However, now, after what he had done, Negan wasn’t sure of anything. 

Approaching her, he waited for her to look at him, but her eyes remained on the dirty floor. “Hey. I, um... I don't think you've eaten anything today,” he tried, feeling like an idiot. 

“I'm good,” Lydia said dismissively. 

“You know,” Negan continued. “I can't tell if it's just one of those _things_ or the craziness of us all moving to an abandoned tower... or if you're just avoiding me.”

“I'm avoiding you,” she said plainly, causing Negan’s brows to rise quickly.

“Well, _shit_ , that's honest,” he said. 

“You want me to lie? Make you feel better?” Lydia said, getting to her feet and narrowing her eyes at him. 

“No, I don't,” Negan said. “I’d rather you were always honest with me.” 

“Okay. Well, then you can give someone else the rat stew,” Lydia said. 

“It's not rat. It's possum. I mean, yeah, it is basically a big rat.” Lydia looked at him as if she was wishing he would just go away, but he had to say his piece. “Look, kiddo, your mom, I mean, she did some _horrible_ shit and there's no excusing any of it, but there were things about her that were complicated. In some ways, I wish you could have seen some of the truth that I did. Maybe then you would understand why I did what I did.”

“We all know why you did it,” Lydia said. 

_“I know,_ but if there's something that you wanna say to me, then you should say it cause this whole silent treatment shit ain’t working.” 

“Fine,” Lydia said. “Most of us wish you'd died, too.”

“Don’t you say that to me,” he said. “Not me. There was a time when you and I respected one another, when you would _talk_ to me. Now I get that you’re pissed, but don’t act like you’re a founding member of my hate club cause you’re not.”

“You don't get to tell me what to do,” Lydia snapped. 

“You're right, I can't. I am not your father, but I sure as hell ain’t your enemy,” he said. 

“Then what are you, huh?” she said, getting angrier. 

“I am trying to be someone who is there for you.”

“You tied me to a chair and left me alone in some swamp!” she hollered. 

“To protect you!” Negan said before lowering his voice. “Your mother was going to kill you as some sort of animal kingdom ritual. I couldn’t let that happen.” 

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Lydia rasped out.

“I know, I know,” he said, “but you gotta try to. You have to let this anger out. Otherwise, you are gonna drift further from these people, and I know you don't want that.”

“The hell do you know what I want, huh? Tell me. You're a selfish asshole,” Lydia shot at him. “You only killed her so they'd think that you're a hero. But nothing you do will _ever_ make you that here! Because you only care about yourself.”

“That's not true,” he said.

“Right, I forgot that you wormed yourself into (Y/N)’s heart. Though, that may say more about them than you, huh?” she said as the tears began to well in her eyes. “Why do you even care?” she asked. “Why do _either_ of you care,” she said. “You and (Y/N) look at me as if I need fixing.” 

“Is that what you think? That we want to _fix_ you? _Jesus_ , _Lydia_ , how could you think that?”

“I know you see her when you look at me,” Lydia said. “You see my mother in me.” 

“I see the good parts,” he said with a nod. “You have your mother’s strength and her resilience. No matter what she did with it, she passed that on to you and that means something,” Negan argued. “Lydia, you _have_ to mourn her. You know, you need to say goodbye. Otherwise, it's gonna eat you up from the inside. Just trust me on this.”

_“Good parts?_ How the hell can you tell me that there were good parts? I hated her!” she yelled, lashing out at him, hitting him in the chest. She breathed in a shaky breath, trying to control her anger, but she couldn’t. “I _want_ to hate her, so screw you for telling me I can't even do that!”

“It's okay, Lydia,” Negan said as Lydia began to cry, her shouts of anger turning into sobs.

“No! It's not okay!” she said, hitting him in the chest. “It's not okay! It's not okay!” Negan grabbed her into a hug, holding her close to his chest so she couldn’t keep lashing out. Lydia quickly fell against him, clutching at him as she cried. 

“It's okay,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “It’s okay.”

As Lydia sobbed in his arms, Negan held her and tried to make everything seem as if it was going to okay, but not even he could promise her that. 

* * *

It was well after Negan had calmed Lydia down that you found him at one of the watchpoints. 

“Dianne, give us a second?” you asked the archer who nodded and excused herself. You sat down on an old crate and invited Negan to join you. He did, his bat settling next to his feet on the floor. You grabbed it, feeling its weight in your hands. Negan didn’t say anything as you examined the weapon, wondering what its namesake was truly like. “Lydia seems like she’s settled a bit,” you observed. 

“She just needed to get it out of her system,” Negan said. “It’ll be a while before she’s better.” 

“I know,” you said. “I remember what it’s like to lose a parent.” 

“So do I,” he said. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” you said, spinning the bat in your hands. 

“Wasn’t plannin’ on being any place else,” he said. 

II know,” you said with a nod. Looking over at him, you handed him back the bat. He took it from you and placed it back on the ground. “I was thinking about something earlier.”

“What was that?” 

“There was a line in the letter that Carl left me,” you began. “It said, _‘stop trying to see everything through the scope of your rifle and start seeing what is right in front of you,’_.” 

“Sounds incredibly wise for him,” Negan noticed. 

“Well, that was Carl,” you said. “That line has stuck with me since I first read it. I never really understood what he meant until his dad died and then more recently when you came home.” Negan was quiet, his eyes focusing on you completely. 

“For so long I was trying to stay three steps ahead of everything,” you went on, “but I never took the time to match pace with anyone. I think that’s why it took me so long to realize that you and I are _never_ going to be the perfect couple. We’re not going to be the couple that takes nightly strolls or agrees on everything. We _are,_ however,going to be the couple that fights like cats and dogs and who are willing to risk everything for each other. I finally see that is what _this_ ,” you gestured between the two of you, “is supposed to be and I am sorry if you ever felt as if I was pressuring you to be someone you’re not.”

“You weren’t,” he assured you. “I was pressuring _myself_ into not screwing everything up because you _are_ right, we are _not_ normal in any sense of the word. But you know what?” he asked, reaching over to take your hand. _“Fuck_ normal. It’s so goddamn overrated anyways.” 

“That it is,” you said as you leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. He kissed you back before leaning his forehead against yours. “So, we can be not normal together, right? Cause I am not ready to go any further into his screwed up world without you.” 

“You don’t have to,” he said. “You’re stuck with me.” 

“Good,” you said, smiling softly. “I just hope we can do that without someone breathing down your neck with a weapon.”

“So do I,” Negan said with a soft chuckle. Suddenly, something dawned on you.

“Hey, do you have any idea what happened to Brandon?” Negan froze. “He sort of disappeared after you did.” Leaning back, he gave you a sheepish look. 

“Well…” Negan began. “The little psychopath found me on the road.” 

_“Seriously?”_ you asked. 

“He was some sort of ‘fan’ of mine, apparently. His old man was a Savior and he wanted to be just like daddy. Problem was, he was fucking crazy.”

“Go on,” you urged. 

“We came across a mother and her son. I helped them and that’s when Brandon told me that he wanted to either rob them or kill them. A fucking woman and her kid…” Negan said, rubbing at his brow. 

“What did you do?”

“Told him to get lost,” Negan said. “Tried to offer him some decent life advice, but it clearly didn’t stick. When I came back after looking for some firewood for the mom, Brandon had bludgeoned them to death with a tire iron.” 

“The kid, too?” you asked, shocked. 

“There was more blood on the ground than in their bodies, (Y/N),” he said. “So, I picked up a rock and beat in his skull before he could murder any more innocent people.” You were silent for a moment as Negan’s word resonated. Eventually, you just sighed and shook your head. 

_“Shit,”_ you swore.

“Yeah.”

“Fucking Brandon,” you said with a roll of your eyes.

_“Fucking Brandon,_ ” he agreed, but then was confused. “Are you not mad that I killed him?”

“Why would I be? I’d have done the same thing,” you said. “You don’t just get to kill a kid in cold blood and move on with your life. Though, I am surprised that you let him tag along as long as he did.”

“You and me both,” he said. 

“Were you going to tell me about that if I hadn't asked?” you wondered. 

“Eventually,” he said. “I just couldn’t find the right time.” You nodded. “And I should have told you about a lot of things.”

“You’re talking about your deal with Carol?” 

“Yeah,” he confirmed. “I know you’re pissed at me over that.” 

“I am,” you said, “but if I can overlook everything else, I can overlook this.”

“I am so sorry,” he said. 

“I know you are,” you assured him, rubbing his hand between yours. “You did it because you were doing the right thing. You should have told me though. I would have been on board in helping you. “

“I couldn’t risk it,” he said. 

“You’re a moron,” you said. 

“I know,” he said with a wink. 

“And I really, _really_ wanted to hate you when I saw you in that mask.”

“But you couldn’t,” he reminded you. 

“Never,” you agreed. Negan smiled and then reached up and placed his hand on your throat, running his thumb over your pulse point. 

“You do that a lot, you know?” you noted, gesturing to his hand. Negan shrugged. 

“Your pulse calms me,” he said softly. 

“Oh, and here I thought you were just into choking,” you joked. 

“Don’t give me any ideas,” he warned and this time it was you that winked. “You know, we never did have make-up sex.”

“Now is not really the time,” you said, gesturing around at the chaos of the tower. 

“Jesus, Teach, _not now._ What kind of man do you think I am?” you laughed, rolling your eyes. 

“Like you weren’t thinking about it,” you said with a knowing look. Negan just shrugged again.

“Sorry, I just really missed you,” he said. 

“What have you told you about apologizing,” you whispered. 

“Habit,” he said back before kissing you again. When you pulled back, you took your face in your hands and then your right hand slid to the side of his neck, feeling his own pulse. 

“He’s coming for us,” you said. 

“He’s all yours,” Negan said. “I will make sure of it.”

Just as Negan was about to bring you closer, Gabriel ran into the room. “Gabe?” you asked, leaning back from Negan, but not letting go of him. 

“The horde is coming,” he said, breathing heavy. “It’s time.” He then rushed from the room as you and Negan went to the window.

It was as if a tsunami was moving in, but instead of water, Death approached in the form of the largest herd you had ever seen. 

“Negan,” you said, worried. 

“I know,” he said, taking your hand in his as he beheld the sight. “Can you promise me something?” he said, turning you so you would look at him. 

“Anything,” you swore. 

“Just survive,” he said and you were reminded of something similar you had said to Lydia before the Hilltop battle. “I know what you are going to do and I will not stop you from taking your revenge on him, but for me, please survive.”

Reaching up, you took him by the shoulders and pulled him in for a hug. Negan buried his head in your shoulder as you took one last moment to be with each other before the fighting began.

“I promise.”

* * *

As Beta moved through the horde, his guardians protected him as they always had, but elsewhere, a guardian in their own right read a letter sent from an old friend. As Walkers approached the tower, Maggie Rhee picked up her bow and went in search of her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more to go...


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beta makes his final move against the survivors as the group prepares for the final showdown against the Whisperers and our story comes to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Swearing, Violence, Blood
> 
> Song I Wrote To: “Sanctuary” by Welshly Arms
> 
> Note: THANK YOU. That is all I can really say. I have never written something this long and I am forever grateful for the handful of you that have stuck with it for all these months. Happy TWD 10c premiere and I can’t wait to write even more for you though I may need a break for a bit! I hope you also listen to the song for this chapter, I think it fully encapsulates the relationship between Negan and the reader! ALL OFFICIAL DIALOG IS PROPERTY OF AMC

They say that Death rode on a pale horse as Hell followed behind, but they had never considered that Hell was with them all along and that they were only waiting for someone to swing the sword.

Your sword hung on your hip as the rumbling sound of the Dead crashed over you in waves. From the tower window, it looked as if the ground was alive with insects rather than crumbling bones and rotting flesh.

As soon as Gabriel sounded the alarm, you and Negan went off to help where you still could. Michonne was frantically searching for Judith who had run out after her uncle in hopes of helping. She only began to relax after Daryl had gotten through to her to tell her that they were on their way back to the tower.

They also had Kelly and Carol with them.

Gabriel was running around with blankets, extra weapons, and ever extra bottles of water for those he would be moving out of the tower as the herd got closer. You were starting to feel a bit out of sorts. You had been waiting for this moment since Beta had singled you out in the clearing during the fair and yet, you didn’t know if you were ready to face him for the last time, but you had to be.

At this point, it was either him or you.

The Walkers were a big problem, but then there were the Whisperers that moved within the herd. There was no way to properly single them out without wasting long-distance ammo. These were the days that you missed the armory back in Alexandria.

The only guns in the group were Gabriel’s shotgun and Rick’s colt python in which Judith carried. It wasn’t enough and you knew that. The only hope that any of you had was that Michonne and Gabriel’s plan of diverting the horde would stand up.

When Daryl and the others returned, Gabriel explained what he wanted to do.

“Is that even going to work?” you asked as you stood in the hallway.

“It’s the only thing we’ve got,” Gabriel said. “If we can get the stereos working and lead the horde away, it may be the only thing capable of drawing away this large of herd.”

“What about the Whisperers _in_ the herd?” Kelly asked. “Isn’t their whole thing herding the Dead towards a certain area?”

“Negan said that it’s more complicated than that,” you said. “It’s not an exact science. If they try to force the Walkers, they start to become more aware of the Living among them. It never ends well.”

“Meaning what?” Carol asked.

“Meaning I don’t like our odds,” Michonne said.

“Neither do I,” you agreed.

“It’s either this or we wait to be slaughtered,” Gabriel said. “And considering we got kids in here, I don’t like that idea at all.”

“Of course not,” Michonne said. “Okay, so we get to the wagons on the outskirts and we get them hooked up, then what? Where do we take them?”

“We can figure that out once we get them away from the tower,” you said. “Beta isn’t going to stop until we are all dead. He can’t take on all of us at once so he’s using his Walkers. This may be the only opportunity that we have to get to him.”

“Beta is not the only enemy out there,” Carol said.

“That’s rich coming from you,” you shot back and Daryl got between the two of you.

“Easy,” he warned. “We are not going to get anything done by fighting among ourselves. Gabriel is right, we have to get to the wagons.”

“We have to get through that horde before we do anything,” you said.

“We’ve done it before,” Daryl said and you quickly realized what he meant as did the others. Michonne made a face of disgust along with your own.

“Well, this isn’t going to be pleasant at all,” you said.

“Never is,” Michonne added, “but we gotta do it.” Frowning down at Paul’s coat, you sighed.

“Fine, someone find us some Walkers,” you said, “and make them extra bloody.”

* * *

“Have I told you yet that I hate this plan,” Negan said as you finished strapping your knives to your thighs and storing more in your coat. 

“Many times,” you said with a sigh. 

“And yet, you’re going through with it,” he said. 

“Like Gabe said, we don’t have many other options,” you said, turning to him. “Unless you know if any RPG’s just happen to be in this very building with useable ammunition.” 

“Afraid not,” Negan said with a frown. 

“Then it looks like we are shit out of luck, honey,” you said as you double-checked your weapon on your hip. “I know you’re worried about me, but I have to do this and so do you.” 

“Nah,” Negan said, disagreeing. “I’m not exactly an invisible force when it comes to these assholes. I’ll stick out too much, you’re going to have to do this part without me.” 

You knew he was right. There was no doubt that Beta had found Alpha’s head and knew that Negan was the last one to be with her. While Beta still wanted to kill you, right now, Negan was number one on his kill list. You were just hoping that he would be too distracted with his own vengeance to recognize yours. If you could keep hold of even an ounce of surprise, then this would be a whole lot easier. 

“I get it,” you said. “I don’t like it, but I do understand.”

“Thanks,” he said. You then pulled him in for a harsh kiss, putting all your passion into it. If this was the last time you held him like that, then you were going to make it count. Pulling back, you stared into his eyes, eager to see that fire. When you did, you gave him a half-smile. 

“Now or never, big man,” you said. “Are you with me?”

“Damn right,” he said before pressing a kiss to your forehead. He then pushed you back towards the main hallway where you were supposed to meet Daryl in order to don your Walker disguise. As you walked away, he felt as if you were taking a part of him with you and he prayed that part would be enough to keep you safe.

* * *

“Our plan is the same,” Gabriel said as Negan listened at the side. “Lead the horde away, just not from Oceanside as we had planned. Once the Walkers are clear, we evacuate to Rendezvous Point B. Luke, We ready?” Gabriel asked Luke who was standing next to Jules. 

“Yeah, yeah. Uh, technically,” Luke said with an attempt at a reassuring smile. “Okay. So, these are the final pieces that we need to connect to the wagon. But in order for it to do the pied piper thing that we need it to do over the cliff, we gotta get from A to B, and I gotta plug and plug,” he said.

“And then we should be good to go?” Kelly asked. 

“Hopefully,” Luke said.

“That wagon is on the other side of the horde,” Beatrice said. 

“Which is why we have these,” Daryl grunted as he and Jerry dragged in two extra-large Walkers into the foyer of the tower. 

“Oh man, this is just wrong,” Luke said. 

“But it works,” Gabriel said. “Trust me, _I know.”_ Negan smirked at that, remembering that time he and Gabriel had done the guts trick to get back into the Sanctuary. That time felt like another lifetime ago now that he was thinking about it. 

Negan stepped away from the group temporarily, heading to one of the vacant watchpoints. His eyes scanned the horde for Beta, but he couldn’t see the man amongst his Dead. If Beta was out there, he was staying out of sight for a reason. Negan never pegged the man as one who would lead the army. He was more of a free agent when it came to taking orders from his Alpha. However, now with Alpha gone, it seemed as if the Beta had finally taken command of the pack. 

It wasn’t very reassuring. 

Negan had seen some large hordes since this had all started. He had even told you about a particular one that scared the hell out of him. Negan didn’t think a tow truck would be able to get through this one even if it had a flame thrower attached to it. Michonne was right, he didn’t like their odds either. 

Taking one last look, Negan turned away and headed back into the fold. 

As he neared the main area of the fighters who were waiting to go out, he noticed you, soaked in Walker blood, trying not to gag. If it was any other scenario, he would think it was adorable.

It was a moment later that Daryl noticed Negan. 

“Hey,” Daryl called, approaching Negan, “why you clean?”

“I ain't goin’,” Negan declared.

“You've done this more than any of us,” Daryl said. “How the hell is this any different?”

“I am on the _tip-top_ of every skins' kill list. Especially Fee Fi Fo _asshole_. So, if the idea is to get through without drawing a shitload of attention, then I am the last person these people want standing next to them,” Negan said, not liking the idea of more of these people dying because of him. 

“That's a bunch of bullshit,” Daryl said, shaking his head. “You wanna be a part of this? You gotta put your ass on the line just like everybody else and (Y/N) needs you by their side.” 

“They understand,” Negan said. 

“Do they?” Daryl scoffed. 

“Yeah, I do,” you said as you approached. “I thought we could do this together, but we can’t. At least, not this part.” Negan nodded, agreeing with you. 

“We’re just leading the horde away,” Daryl said. 

“You are,” you said. “I’m not.”

Daryl understood your words immediately. Negan, who had already guessed your plan, was silent as he stood by your side. Daryl was shaking his head as he looked at you. You were one of his closest friends and he was just realizing how serious you were when it came to getting to Beta. He had been so focused on Carol’s vendetta against Alpha, that he had missed the signs of your own fury.

“No,” he said, “not like this.”

“I’ve already made my decision, Daryl,” you said. “You’re not going to change my mind. Look, Gabriel is staying behind to protect the kids and I need you to disperse the herd.”

“Are you hearin’ this?” Daryl asked Michonne who was nearby. 

“I am,” she said with a nod, “ and I am trusting that they know what they’re doing.” 

“Fucking ridiculous,” Daryl said as he stormed away. 

“Great, so if I die, he’ll be dancing on my grave,” you said as you watched him walk away. 

“Daryl will be fine,” Michonne assured you. “Besides, Daryl doesn’t dance,” she said with a wink and a nod before going to follow him in preparation to leave. 

* * *

You lost sight of Negan shortly after the group headed out of the tower. 

While you were still covered in the Walker guts, you weren’t leaving just yet. You had a plan and you needed to stick with it. Standing across from Dianne, you watched as your family began to move through the Dead. You could make out a few of them, but not everyone. Also with the sun beginning to set, you knew that it was only a matter of time before you lost all visibility.

Everything that had happened since that first wind storm, was suddenly echoing around in your head. You had lost people shortly after that night and it just kept crashing down like that tree that collapsed the wall behind your house. You weren’t even sure if your house was still standing at this point. Aaron and Alden had radioed to say that the horde had moved through Alexandria, trampling it. They were supposed to keep on them, but then their line had gone silent and nobody was hearing from them. 

It was making you nervous, not knowing where your friends were. You knew that Enid was worried, but she was staying busy, looking after the kids with Siddiq who was constantly hovering over Rosita and Coco. Considering they were the only doctors in the group, they would not be going out into the horde until it was clear. They would head straight for the meeting point and even then it was a risk to have them out there. However, you knew that they were strong fighters and that they would do everything to survive. They had proved that the night Alpha had taken them. 

The Fair seemed so long ago. That moment of you walking up the hill to see your friends and family on pikes still haunted you, but you used those feelings of horror and despair to keep your vision alive. The vision you had of your future with both Negan and Lydia by your side. 

You had always fought for family and you were not going to let Beta take that away from you. 

A sudden scream broke you out of your thoughts as Beatrice went down in the horde. Dianne was stunned next to you as you watched the woman being torn apart by Beta’s guardians. You knew that Carol had been with her, but you couldn’t tell if she was down as well. You couldn’t look away as blood and flesh were covering the Walkers as they feasted on your friend. 

Holding your head higher, you moved away from the window and headed towards the elevator shaft. Catching Negan’s eye who stood near Lydia, you nodded to him. He nodded back and with one final look, you grabbed the rope and began to propel down, adjusting your focus not on your family above, but the enemy below. 

* * *

“They're coming up,” Judith said, who was staring at the stairwell in horror. Gabriel pushed her back, holding her tightly.

“You all know what to do,” Gabriel said. “Dianne, you get the first group. Children and wounded come second. If Rosita argues, just come and find me.”

The evacuation went smoothly as Dianne got everyone out, even Rosita and her baby. It was going well, but Negan knew it wasn’t nearly done. There was more work to be done.

Not too far away from Gabriel, Negan spoke to Lydia. “You know how this ends,” he said with a sigh. 

“I don't and neither do you,” Lydia argued, looking up at him with those big brown eyes of hers.

“Come on, kid,” Negan said. “You being here when the shitstorm hits ain't changing what definitely is happening.”

“I'm not leaving,” she said defiantly. 

“They're never gonna trust me, you,” Negan said, knowing well enough that no matter who he wanted to spend his life with, he would never be more than what these people remember from eight years ago. “Doesn't matter what we do now. You can just slip out, down, and dance your way through the Dead.”

“So can you,” Lydia pointed out, gesturing to the Whisperer mask he still had in his jacket. 

“Like you said, I ain't no hero,” Negan said. 

“You could be,” Lydia prompted.

“Well,” Negan said, pulling her into his side. “I guess that's what I'm doing now. You be careful, kiddo, and you know what?” Negan then pulled out another mask from his coat, one that Lydia instantly recognized as her mother’s. “You take this and you use it for good, you know, if that’s something you feel like doin’, alright?”

Lydia took the mask in her hands and clutched it in a fist. 

“Don’t die,” she whispered. “Please, Negan, I can’t lose any more family.” 

“I ain’t plannin’ on it,” he said as he kissed the top of her head and then turned his back on the room. Lydia watched as Negan took hold of the rope that led into the elevator shaft. Not looking back, he began to descend. He didn’t stop until his boots found solid ground again.

Shoving the mask onto his face, Negan pushed out into the world, ready to face anything that it threw at him. Even if it was for the last time.

He was on the outskirts of the horde when he exited the building, but he didn’t see any Whisperers and he didn’t see you. He didn’t think you would be waiting out in the open so he figured you had disappeared into the trees or even the horde itself. 

Pulling the bat off his shoulder, Negan looked down at what you had coined _“Lucille 2.0”_. His hand wrapped around the end of the bat, feeling the familiar grip. With a deep breath, he held it close to his face one last time. “Thanks, old girl,” he whispered before tossing the bat into the horde of Walkers. He watched as it disappeared amongst the Dead and felt another weight disappear from his shoulders.

Drawing his knife, Negan began to move through the herd in hopes of finding you and the man you were going to take down. He just hoped that Daryl’s plan started to work and that the building behind him didn’t succumb to the wave of Walkers among him.

* * *

Something was wrong, that much you knew. 

You didn’t know what it was, but the horde had stopped moving in the direction of the cliffside. You could hear the crashing of metal and cracking of stone behind you as the horde moved into the building.

The only good thing was that only the Whisperers could move up into the building and you were just hoping Gabriel had enough fighters to keep them back. However, he was also trying to evacuate people so it could easily go bad very quickly. 

Fresh blood was splattered on nearby Walkers and you were praying that it was Whisperer blood and not the blood of your family. You wanted to stop and search for any bodies, but so far, you had gone undetected in the herd and you needed to keep it that way. 

Shouts of alarm came from the building, but you couldn’t turn back and so, you kept Walking.

It was well into the evening when everything seemed to slow down. You had been moving through the horde slowly, taking out any Whisperer that recognized you. It was easy to do, a few quick slashes and the blood would attract the Dead. However, as you killed more of them, they began to realize the enemy had infiltrated their own army.

It was a few minutes later that you saw a familiar face in the crowd. Magna moved behind a slow-moving form and then slit their throat. The Whisperer fell to the ground as Walkers fell upon them, and then, Magna was gone. 

You heard more sounds of choking as more Whisperers fell to the phantom movements of your friends and family. You could never pinpoint where they were in the crowd, but soon, you began to join in the stealth mission. Using your smaller blades, you cut down Whisperers, silencing them once and for all. 

When one went to stab you first, Kelly was there in a second, slitting their throat, and throwing them down to the ground. You nodded to her as you passed by and she reached out and grabbed your hand quickly before continuing on. 

Everything was going as planned, but you couldn’t find Lydia. You didn’t know if she had joined up with Daryl or had stayed behind with Gabriel. You hoped that Negan had eyes on her, but you didn’t know where he was either.

As the sun finally set and darkness fell, the horde began to thin and the enemy was finally exposed. 

Negan saw him first. 

Beta stood amongst the dwindling Dead acting as if he was the king of them all. A moment on the left, caught both men’s attention as Alpha’s mask moved through the crowd.

Negan shook his head at the move Lydia had made. If he wasn’t sure that she wasn't, he would have thought she really _was_ his kid considering how daring she was with taunting Beta like this. 

Beta stared at her in awe until she disappeared again from view. It was enough of a distraction for Negan to move in.

He knew you had to be close so with a smirk, he let loose his memorable melodic whistle, something he hadn’t done in a while. 

He just hoped that you would get the meaning. He was essentially sending up a flare in the form of a few notes. “Come get him,” Negan whispered as he approached Beta. “Hey, _shithead,”_ he spoke louder, gaining the attention of Beta. 

The larger man instantly locked onto Negan’s position with ferocity. Recognizing him, Beta charged right for him. Negan braced himself for impact when Beta threw a Walker at him. _“Shit!”_ Negan said as the Dead man fell upon him, its jaws fighting their way towards his throat. Pulling his knife, Negan finished off the Walker, kicking it away, but Beta wasn’t done. 

He threw himself toward Negan as the latter tried to get to his feet. Beta aimed his fist at Negan’s head, catching him in the temple and Negan went down hard. Blinking back the black spots in his vision, he focused back on the enemy above him.

_“For Alpha,”_ Beta growled. Negan stared him down as Beta raised his knives above his head, ready to strike true, but a sound from his left made him turn. He snarled as you came running from the horde with your sword in your hand. Beta didn’t have any time to move as you rushed past him, your blade slashing out to the side and cutting both of the man’s Achilles tendons. 

Beta yelled out in pain as blood pooled from his ankles. Negan pushed him off of him as you circled back. Kicking his knives from his hands, you reached down and shoved your blade into Beta’s shoulder. The same shoulder you had injured in your fight with him in Alexandria. Beta bared his teeth at you and that’s when you noticed the new mask on his face.

It was _half_ of Alpha’s _own_ face.

He seemed to be sneering at you as you reached forward and placed your hand on his throat, forcing him to look at you. “I’ll kill you,” he spat. 

“You make veiled threats,” you said, quoting what he had first said to you in the clearing as your friends were being slaughtered by his Alpha. “I told you that I wasn’t going to die like this. Not by _you_ or anyone.” Beta yelled, trying to get up and attack you when suddenly Daryl appeared out of the darkness. 

Pulling his blades, Daryl brought them down into Beta’s back, keeping him in place. The shock of pain sent Beta back to the ground. Blood bubbled at his lips and you leaned in closer, making sure your face was the last one that he saw. “Killer,” Beta spat at you as Daryl pulled his blades from Beta’s body.

“No,” you said as you pulled back and then in one fluid motion, buried your sword up into his chest. _“Survivor,”_ you corrected as you withdrew your weapon and kicked him to the ground and towards his own Walkers who smelled the fresh blood immediately. 

Negan and Daryl instantly, stepped in front of you as you watched the Dead tear apart Beta. The sound of tearing flesh and the growls of the Walkers had never sounded so liberating before. Negan slowly took hold of his mask and tore it from his face, letting it drop to the ground beside him. Daryl, who had been the first one to fight Beta, let out a breath that spoke louder than words.

They had won. 

“Now is it over?” you asked, leaning on your sword, 

“Yeah,” Daryl said. “It’s over. Come on,” he said as he passed Negan, knocking his fist against the taller man’s shoulder. Negan then reached down and took your hand in his and without looking back, walked away from the bloodbath that had ended the war.

* * *

The sun was rising by the time, you managed to find the group again. 

You, Daryl, and Negan found Carol first. The woman looked as if she had been through hell, but she lit up as soon as she saw her best friend. Daryl grabbed her first, hugging her close. It immediately reminded you of when they had reunited after Terminus. 

Looking around, you couldn’t find the person you had been worried about since you had dropped down the elevator shaft. “Lydia,” you said, “where is she?” Carol looked up from her moment with Daryl and approached you. 

“Rendezvous point,” Carol said. “She went looking for you. _Both_ of you,” she said, sending a look to Negan. You didn’t hesitate to start running through the trees. Negan was right behind you as you jumped over old roots and fallen branches. Your only thoughts were on Lydia and if she was okay. Seeing the break in the trees ahead of you, you slid to a stop, your eyes scanning the area. 

Negan arrived right behind you, but then, he froze. He felt as if the world was suddenly pulled out from under his feet. Everything around him felt on fire as he beheld who was kneeling in front of Judith, speaking softly to her.

Maggie Rhee. 

You noticed his hesitation immediately. “What’s wrong? Do you not see her?” you asked, still looking around for Lydia. 

“(Y/N)…” Negan said slowly.

“What?” you asked and then he was nodding over to where he was looking. Turning, your eyes found Maggie who had finally noticed Negan. The woman was staring at him as if she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Negan swallowed thickly as Maggie stared him down.

There weren’t many people in the world that scared him as much as Maggie Rhee did and he was not looking forward to the words she would definitely be throwing at him. “Ignore her,” you said.

_“(Y/N),”_ he said again. You grabbed him by his shoulders and turned him back to face you. He did, looking down at you with worry in his eyes. 

“Just for right now,” you said. “We need to find‒”

“Hey!” a familiar voice called out and you could have sunk to the ground at the amount of relief that flooded your system. 

“Oh, thank god,” you said as you turned to see Lydia running towards you. Her eyes were red-rimmed and she looked exhausted but she was alive and that was all that mattered. Lydia ran right to you, throwing her arms around you and Negan. You didn’t hesitate to follow suit, wrapping your arms around both of them. 

Your family. 

Negan squeezed both of you tight in his arms, finally letting his heart settle from all the adrenaline that was pulsing through him. “Is he dead?” Lydia asked as she was pressed between you two. 

“He’s dead,” you whispered. “I promise, we got him.” Lydia pressed herself tighter to you before she stepped back with a relieved expression on her face. You then grabbed her and checked her for injuries. Lydia was doing the same as she checked over you and Negan. When Lydia noticed the blossoming head wound on Negan’s forehead, she became worried.

“I’m fine, kiddo,” he assured her. “I’ll take a bruise over a body bag any day.” Lydia then looked from him to you and then back at him. 

“Does this mean you’re staying?” she asked, looking at him with hope in her eyes. 

“Nothing is going to make me leave you,” he said. “Either of you.” Lydia let out a breath as she moved in to hug him again, coiling her arms around his waist. He held her back and sent a wink to you over her shoulder. You moved and picked up his hand, pressing a kiss to the back of his knuckles, not caring who was watching. 

You would deal with her later. 

“So, now what?” Lydia asked.

_“Now,_ we start fresh,” you said, taking her hand in yours, Lydia leaned into Negan, her head resting on his chest. “And who knows, maybe we discover a little more about each other along the way.”

“I like the sound of that,” Negan said as he tugged you into his side. 

“Me too,” Lydia sighed. 

“Good cause I am not giving up on either of you,” you said, trying not to get emotional, but it was futile. Letting a tear fall, you smiled at them. “You’re my family,” you choked out. 

“Ain’t that the truth,” Negan said as he leaned down and pulled you in for a kiss. You kissed him back quickly, knowing there was a future ahead of you filled with more. “I love you,” he whispered. 

“I love you, too,” you said. “Until the end of our little universe.” Negan grinned at that as he pulled you and Lydia in closer, holding onto his found family. 

There was a lot more to come and you knew that. With Maggie’s reappearance, it was not going to be easy and there were always going to be more enemies and wars to fight. However, because you had the man you loved and a kid who was a hell of a fighter, you knew you were going to be okay no matter what the new world threw at you.

After years of feeling like an outsider, you finally felt whole and it was all because you took a chance and spoke to the big bad wolf. 

THE END.


End file.
